My husband hates his stepdaughter
I got married to someone from Pakistan. Neither of us were happy in this marriage, he became very violent with me as did I. Then, I made the worst mistake of my life, I was seperated from him and I met someone else. I began having an affair, astagfirullah. Then my parents told me I have to give my husband another chance so I did, trying to finish my affair.
It still did not work with my husband and I regretted having an affair. I tried to end the relationship at the same time applied for a divorce. The person I was seeing became very psychotic, he began chasing me, hitting me and blackmailing me. Then I discovered I was pregnant, which was a nightmare. I didnt know who the father was, the police got involved. They locked this man away and my husband and I were getting divorced.
I had a daughter who my husband made no attempt to contact at all. He thought it was his daughter but had no interest. When she became four, I got married again a week after, I got married. My husband became jealous of her and my relationship, he began hating her. I became very upset, pushing her away sometimes, I even hit her which I hate myself for. Now my daughter is nine and my first husband is trying to have contact with her.
My life is a mess, I can't tell him of my affair and have to let him carry on believing the girl is his. My current husband has caused so much misery in my life that I sometimes look at my daughter and think she is becoming mentally ill. I told my current husband of my mistake so many years ago that he uses that against me. I want to leave him and bring my daughter up. I have three sons also from this marriage, I am so scared that if I leave him he will expose me.
I ask Allah swt to forgive me of my sins and to help me. I have made such a mess of my life, I just don't know what to do.
~ Aysha
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Assalam O Alaikum sister Aysha,
Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing. May Allah (swt) make a way out for you and help you make the right decision in your life in future (Amin). I don't know if I have answer to your problem but I will try insha Allah my best. Unfortunately, you made so many mistakes in your life starting from the affair with the man. You should never have gone down that path at all; if things weren’t going well between you and your husband then you should have sorted your problem by yourself or by involving the elders. The only reason I can see why that other man became abusive with you is that you told him everything that was going between your husband and yourself; which was another sin. Quran (2:187); Allah (swt) described husband and wife as each other’s garment; meaning that they don’t expose whatever goes in their family life; not even to their family members unless there is a problem which requires their attention/intervention.
Remember sister! such men are not your well wisher; they are there to quench their own thrust. They would love to see you miserable; so that they can have some fun astaghfirullah; unfortunately they are good at sweet talking and can lure the most intelligent/wisest of sisters who are vulnerable especially when they are going through problems with their families (Parents, husbands or in-laws). So, whatever the outcome of your current situation; please remember that no man except your brothers/fathers/guardian is your well-wisher. Build your Faith by studying more and more about the character of great Muslim women; role of woman as mother, wife etc.
I don’t know if finding out about who is the father of your daughter is going to help either you, the man who you had affair with or your ex-husband; in fact it will create more problem in your life then their already are. What if he isn’t the father and the other man is? The other man will bad name you further and could cause serious problems in your life right now. What if your daughter finds out about your past? She surely won’t be happy knowing that you have been having affair while married (if your ex is her real father). You will not only loose the respect as mother but also she will blame you for her father not having around in her life when she needed him the most. No man would like to know that the girl who he thought was his daughter is NOT HIS (if DNA testing proves that he isn’t the father).
For your own sake you can try to find out but it won’t change anything for good but will further torture you; fact is that she is your daughter and is innocent in all this. It doesn’t matter who the father is and she deserves to be loved, cared, looked after and treated well over all. You should never have told your current husband about your past as Allah (swt) commands us to conceal our sins; and you can see the logic why?
The only reason your husband is behaving this way is because of your past which you opened up to him. I would suggest that you should allow your ex-husband to see his daughter; after all he has the right to see her as he thinks she is his daughter. You should not hit your daughter; rather speak to your husband and find out why is he behaving like this? If he is jealous then you can suggest him to see a therapist together or seek the help of your local imam. If your husband still doesn’t change then you must divorce him no matter whatever the circumstances because if you continue to live in current environment then it will affect your children beyond repair. Repent to Allah (swt); make a lot of duas, do charity and offer tahajud prayer as much as possible. Regarding your situation I would also recommend to do istakhara to help you make the right choice for yourself and for the future of your children.
May Allah (swt) help you in these tough times and put mercy, love and care in your husband’s heart for all your children. (Amin)
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com