Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband hates me and is cruel to me

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Salams,
I am writing because I am so desperately lonely and sad. I have been married for a few months and have known my husband for a few years prior to this.

Ever since we have been married my husband treats me badly, he shouts and swears and loses his anger. This could be over anything, I may have expressed an opinion he doesn't share, or an emotion other than happiness or because I have tried to communicate with him over any issues such as speaking to me disrespectfully infront of his family.

We don't currently live together as we are searching for a house, so when we argue he tries to walk out and if I let him go the verbal abuse can continue for sometimes upto three days calling me vile names, severely putting me down and threatening to go to his family for a divorce to the point I feel so insecure he is going to divorce me.

It's gotten so bad that I now try to stop him leaving in an attempt not to face what happens when he goes but this is just as bad, he will bring up everything I've opened up to him about and use it to hurt me, accuse me of being a dirty cheating woman (I can't say the actual word he uses it's too vile), he will throw stuff and break things, get in my face and laugh when he sees me sobbing because he is hurting me so badly. I get blamed for everything that is ever wrong and he takes no responsibility at all.

He said I am always miserable but can't see that it's his treatment of me that makes me so depressed, he says it's because I'm a miserable and weak person. He says I don't make him happy or think of him and that I want life my way. I try my best to please him in everyway, even stopping wearing short coats when I go out of the house even though I always wear abaya, hijab and niqab. It's hard to be happy when I feel so abused.

I can't turn to his parents as they have blamed me in the past and say as a woman it's my responsibility to basically to keep quiet and put up with whatever he does. They have said I knew what he was like when I married him but does that give him the right to have me walking on egg shells and so scared to make a silly mistake such as not shutting his car door quietly enough.

He has told me over and over that I am worthless and weak, that I'm not a proper wife and he regrets marrying me.. I feel so sad and hopeless. I just don't know how to protect myself from this... Please help me.

anonmuslimah86


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27 Responses »

  1. He sounds vile. That's abusive and I've been through the same kind of thing but he was much more subtle twisted about it, so I didn't even realise he was doing it. This is abnormal behaviour especially in the first few months of marriage. I remember some members of my family siding with my husband and making me feel bad for questioning my husbands behaviour, I felt helpless and alone until Alhamdulillah they finally came to their senses. His family blamed me for eveyrhing and covered up for him even after he'd cheated on me. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree! You need to approach your family and Let them know what's happening. Be upfront and open about your husbands behaviour. It will only get worse. Either try to understand why he is like this, and help him to control his temper - anger management courses, support him etc or leave him. They way you have described him he sounds like someone who could become physically abusive once you start living together.

    Oh and I also got constant threats for divorce, it gave him a sense of peace to see me cry and beg him. Now that I've filed for divorce he's not cooperating to make my life even more difficult. Don't become emotional in front of him. Keep cool and calm, note eveyrhing he does and says, and then find a solution logically rather than emotionally.

  2. I empathise with you. My husband is exactly the same. My suggestion is leave him. He will never change. Men like them enjoy having the women in their life under their thumb. You are lucky in the sense that you dont have any children with this man. Consider what effect his behaviour would have on your children.

    Dont wait for advise, dont try to seek counselling, dont hope he will change. He will never change because in his minds eye he is "the man and is right always"

    Please dont blame yourself, his behaviour is not your fault. Every person has the ability to control their anger, words and actions just some people choose not too and then blame their partners for their behaviour. It is a flaw in your husband that only he can change if he realises how wrong he is. Go before you become too dependant on him, before you have kids and before he loses all control one day and beats you.

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Where is your own family in all this? I wouldn't count on inlaws to be supportive of your needs, or see it your way. In laws, no matter how close you may become with them, will usually favor their kin in the end. Your family, on the other hand, should always have your back. Why don't you tell them what's going on, and seek their support?

    Honestly I don't think verbal abuse should be acceptable in a marriage. It is just as destructive as physical abuse, and no one should live in a situation enduring it.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    Considering he married you, but now he calls you worthless, means he has no integrity as a man. He is someone who does not even stand by his own choices.

    Verbal abuse is not acceptable and is extremely hurtful. The fact that he laughs at you when you cry suggests he is sadistic and someone who uses what you disclosed to him as a weapon is not trustworthy either.

    I suggest that you seek help from your family and friends. This is no way to live. May Allah swt ease your pain, Ameen.

  5. Pray to Allah in middle of the night and do Istakarah , why do I say this because 1. as we know the 3 of the night Allah come to the lower Janna and ask His Angels how is asking and the Angels will say so and so is asking than Allah says give them Insha'Allah May Allah grant you good , 2. I know I guy him and his wife was having problems he come to talk to me and said I don't what is wrong to make the story short he find out there was black magic don on them , I'm not saying that's what going on what I'm saying is talk to Allah because Allah the heart of people Ask Allah and Tawakel Allah , sometimes we give evicted we out knowing everything and we don't need to know everything because is evicted to came on home but You are aloud to talk to Allah

  6. Assalamwalekum sister
    You really should inform your family. I went through something similar except in my case he did divorce me. My family was very supportive because they are the ones who know you since your were born and if you're husband wants to think the worst of you fir no reason let him... seek out your family and leave him if things dont change even after your family's interference.. don't wait for him to divorce you. Seek a khula... if there is no love. There is no point in you living in such a way... divorce is a very painful very tedious part of life but it is not the end of life sister... do not bring ego in the way Iof your marriage but your self respect is very important and you should keep it... men like these have a way of sapping away all your confidence... seek that back from your family

  7. asalamu alaikum,

    this is why, when seeking a spouse character is one of them. soo many women discard this, and go with attraction, chemistry despite how he is and this is how most end up. seen this happen far too many times

    you are only married for few months, damn still very early in your marriage. this is the most enjoyable part of marriage. if he is like this now, how do you think he will be in a year or two time? character is what makes a person, which cant be easily changed overnight.

    you said, 'he shouts and swears and loses his anger'? in most cases people who are like that soon escalates to domestic violence.

    i suggest you tell your parents, and never suffer in silence.

    ma'salama..

    • I completely and totally agree with br. Ahmed. Character is #1, we women do neglect that. remember a man who does not get angry is one of the best characters.

      if his family is saying you knew what he was like before marriage then was he the same? Did you think he was going to change? You must be desi to be going to his family.... They have no rights in you. Go to yours! They will protect you. They have love for you.

      And frankly the advice everyone gave you is sound. Divorce him before you have children. But make istikharrah first to seek guidance from Allah and make sure it is the right step. There seems to be no love from his side of marriage.

      • There is nothing wrong with wanting chemistry and attraction with a spouse and for women that is important since much of their intimacy is tied to their emotional state, but, of course not at the expense of character (understandable 100%).

        There are plenty of women that I know that are in the same situation as the OP and never met their husbands before their arranged marriage. Those women continue in their marriages because, culturally, they have no support from their families.

        • Just wanted to add that some people can be very manipulative. They show a different face before marriage - good character, a person of deen, great personality,'lots of respect and good looking. The looks don't change, but sometimes a persons true colours begin to show after marriage when they let their guard down because they have u now. This happened to me. But also I know someone who knew her husband since childhood - went to school together and then university. Got married, and that's when his true colours came out. He was abusive verbally and physically and she tolerated it it for years didn't tell her family, until one day she was beaten up so badly by him that she wasn't able to move and had no choice but to call for help. So in essence you don't truly know what a person is like until your married and living with them.

        • I agree attraction is important. Agreed not at expense of character.

          It's sad that ppl don't have family support. I couldn't imagine it. I'm of paki decent but my family is very much involved but i don't know how things are outside of my family. My family in Pakistan is also very supportive of their girls. When girl cousins got abused by husbands my uncles (various)were in their face and warned them of their behavior. So I find it sad that ppl have unislamic ideologies when it comes to their daughters. I hope this sister (if it's the same case for her) is strong enough to get a Khula.

          • There is just one thing i want to add when we are talking about choosing character in a spouse... saying prayers five times a day and beyond or fasting during ramzaan and even being a haaji doesnt necessarily make a man have a good character. A muslim man with a good character will be religious and perform all his duties but its not necessary that a man who prayers will have a good character. Because iman is more than just excercising on a prayer mat or not eating till sundown during a paticular month... one may know a lot of the Quran an not follow any of it truly... if one has true faith then he will be good all together... he will perform his duties towards Allah and also towards his wife.. i have seen a lot of men including my ex who were regular with their religious duties but full of pride and anger and devoid of any kind of humility or compassion.... so my advice to anyone incuding myself and InshaAllah if i ever have a daughter would be to look for character and not outwardly piousness. . They are two diffirent things and one thing i truly beleive in that if one is a good person piousness will come to him or her with time... it is important to be kind and compassionate and humble to be a good husband a good father and a good muslim... i dont mean by this that one shoyld marry somebody who is a muslim just by name and doesnt pray at all... what i mean is look for both.. they are two diffirent things and we should be able to see that diffirence....

          • I agree with sister abshar - outwardly piety means nothing if your hollow inside. My husband has completed hajj numerous times, he prays five times a day - never misses a prayer believe it or not. He knows Hadith and when I met him was going to study circles. It meant nothing because that's not the real him it's a cover up. Not to mention his family are 'pious' and work with renowned sheikhs and are in the media frequently - won't mention any names. Some people use Islam for their own desires, it's a cover up. I know atheists who have better characters and etiquette. It's important to find someone who has good iman, inside and out. But it's usually hard to truly know this until ur married and living with the person.

  8. OP: Ever since we have been married my husband treats me badly, he shouts and swears and loses his anger. This could be over anything, I may have expressed an opinion he doesn't share, or an emotion other than happiness or because I have tried to communicate with him over any issues such as speaking to me disrespectfully infront of his family......I have been married for a few months and have known my husband for a few years prior to this.

    Your husbands behavior has nothing to do with what you do. Most likely he behaves like with this most other people he interacts.

    • In response to aabshar: insert emoji thumbs up!!!!

      I agree character is deeper than surface. inshaaAllah I am also going to encourage my daughter to look for what you mentioned. My husband has anger and all and is also very arrogant when I try to explain certain aspects of Islam to him and does not listen to me but calls me an arrogant person and tells me that I believe I am a prophet and can decide who's going to heaven. Not to mention that he says I preach as a salafi does.

      Mine is not even outwardly pious. These are things I should have caught and that's why I agreed with bro. Ahmed. He prays once a day or so but values his sleep more even during the day. Now we also have halal meat haram meat issues along with following madhabs, fatwas, disciplining children... He'd rather Listen to what others say than me. They usually are not following what renowned shaykhs say but comes from their reading of Hadith and etc or their minds w/o proper knowledge of even Arabic.

      Unfortunately I feel this has also negatively influenced me and I am not so regular in my prayers anymore :(.

      At this point I just make dua about him and that my children don't get too screwed up!

      Good luck to you all

  9. I have read your post and I am going straight to the point.your husband is not worthy of you. ... Please please leave him before you have children or because more dependent on him.
    Lepords never change their spots,believe me his an woman abuser... Sorry to say this buthe needs to be put in a mental home, his not a man his a idiot who has no respect for woman. Your his Mrs and the least he can do if his got some sort of mental issues go and get help..
    If you live with him sister he will only abuse you more and more and once you have children he will then have you exactly where he wants... take care sister don't put up with crap. .

    • I have the exact same thing. I thought it was a phase, a product of stress... three years later i have broken bones and bruises all over my body. It can be over anything.. even as simple as the tea being too cold. Tonight it led to threats of murder because my crying was annoying him. Unfortunately, he manipulated me and made me get rid of all my friends and family. I dont have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to.

      • Find a way to get out. You cannot stay in that situation.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Get back with your family and friends. Does your husband have a sexual problem? I read some where insecure men with sexual problems beat their wives.

        You should leave him. What country you live in?

        • My husband and I have been married for four years.

          • Londonmuslims, pleae register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Salam Wael,

            I have a question about the queue. If it takes a month to get one's question posted how do we know that the issue is still an issue for the poster? Is the original poster asked about whether they'd still like their question posted before it gets posted? I'm asking because many times the OP doesn't reply to the comments they receive and I wonder if it's still an issue for them.

          • No, we don't ask them. When their turn comes, we publish. Most of these problem do not go away in a month. They are long-term issues.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Thanks Wael.

  10. Salam sister i feel very sad when i read your post as i am also going through similar problems and i understand what your going through i would really like to talk to someone but i have no one i can talk to, i wish there was a way i could contact you privately. I just hope that what we are going though soon comes to an end insha allah keep me in your duas

  11. I feel exact same married too Muslim have a baby with him, at beginning he was lovely, now I can't do anything right, I get called all sorts of names, he constantly says he regrets marrying me, he wants to take me and Lolah his daughter to Pakistan I really don't know what to do x

  12. Salam. Why are you putting up with this? He is treating you badly, and you deserve better. He has no right to be treating you like this, Islam teaches patience, tolerance, and kindness. He is not a man if he has to belittle a woman to try and satiate his ego. He is beneath you. I would advise you not to run after him when he is behaving like this - this only encourages him, and makes him feel entitled to treat you like this. Heaven lies at the feet of our mothers - this is the value of women in Islam - what is your husband doing? How will future children be damaged by this vile man? If he cannot behave like a proper husband and muslim, he does not deserve you. Do not little him try to break you - he is weak and pathetic. Allah has given you strength, and if he is mistreating you, you are not obliged to stay with him. Don’t be coerced into a life of misery because of what the local hill billies may say about it - Allah is giving you the option to leave him, they are not above Allah or Allah’s word. Think carefully, and stay strong - Allah is with you always.

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