Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband ignores me and he is blind for my pain

Muslim woman in hijab

Salam aleikum. My story is.long and painful. I really need to share my problems with somebody and I need help to find solution. I feel really depressed and hopeless.

I am convert in Islam and I feel I have nobody to protect be, just because I don't have Muslim family.

We are together for 15 years with my husband and we have two infant kids. I feel like my husband doesn't care about me and my feelings. He hurted me so many times ( he lied me all the time, he breaks his promises).  when we fell in love,  his family knew but they thought that he would never marry for foreign girl, they thought he would just play with me and then he would throw me as garbage.

He has good heart,  but he is very weak and he obeys his family. He can not stand behind his decisions. He promised me that he would bring me to his country and we would live happy. He promised me that his family would change their mind when they know me better.

But this never happen. His family never tried to connect with me. Many times he has visited his family in his country and he left me and our kids alone without providing us with money.

His sisters speaks English, but they never tired to became closed with me. I tried many times to talk with them,  I regularly sent photos of the kids to them. Everyime my husband wants to his country I sent presents for them.

They are really cold with me. They neglect and ignore me.  My husbands told me they are so good people,they are angels,  they would love me so much. He made me to have expectations.

Most of the years I stayed quiet and waited for them to change. But the last 2 years I lost hope and patience.  I directly asked them why they ignore me but they answered it isn't true.

I cried so much because of their attitude. I feel unwanted,ugly, nasty. Many times my husband asked them to pay me attention. They said him they have no time for me, they have no Internet ext. ( but at the same time they have time and Internet to write comments to their Arab sister -in-law with whom they live in the same house. They write her so nice compliments and that makes me jelous. But behind her back, they told my husband she is stupid,lazy, bad...

My husband says his family always speaks good words for me ( but I dont believe them as I know they write compliments to their sister-in-law and in the same time they talk she is stupid and lazy.)

I don't need false compliments I need honesty.

All this year's my mother-in-law never talked with me. She often speaks on the phone with my husband and she never wanted to say even Hello. This really hurts.

My friends tell me it is not a problem because I have never seen them and they live so far. But for me this is problem. I expected them to make a relationship with me.

Many times I asked his sisters why they act with me in such way. And they never give me appropriate answer.

5 months ago his younger sister promised me that they would change. She sweared in Allah they all would change. I felt so optimistic but after she promised me this,  she never talked with me again ( 5 months she didn't find time even to say me Hello,  but all the time she is so active in Internet)

This evening new scandal between me and my husband happened. I wanted him to say his family how they hurt me and that every day I Cry because of them.  but now he say me he doesn't see any problem,  they are so good with me ( they even dont want so speak with me)

I realized the main problem is in my husband. He doesn't take me seriously,  he is blind for my tears and pain.

I told him that now I want to change myself. I cannt force his family to pay me attention  so I decided to stop waiting for them and not to talk with them anymore. And he said I am bad, I want problems, I want so separate him from his family.

I dont want to separate him prom them.  I just want Me to forget Them. I tried everything and I failed. SO I dobt want to spend another 15 years in hope they would notice me. I told this to them,  but they say I am in mistake and they didn't make me anything bad.

I really want me to forget them. I am tired.  I wanted them to accept me and to be my family but I realized this is not possible.

Even my husband is against me, he is blind for my pain. He thinks just for his family. Form morning till evening he speaks just for them, how good are they,how beautiful. He makes ne jelous, I mean nothing to him,  I am just a servant.

 

Shilan1

 

 

 

 

 

 

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11 Responses »

  1. Sister, please consider divorcing your husband. Men will continue to mistreat their wives if they can. There is no such thing as a good mean husband. Or a good, but unkind husband. If you are in the US, make plans. If not, find a way to return home. You don't even realize it, but you are isolated. That is a red flag. Why keep thinking that after 15 years your husband will or wants to change his ways. Change and improve the quality of your life now while you can.

    • Salam. I don't want to divorce, really.
      I want to find a solution.
      Yes, he did some really mean acts but I know he did it because he was afraid of his family.
      He doesn't did it because he is mean,but because he is weak.... And because he is weak I don't feel safety.

  2. i disagree with divorcing comment of that lady do not lisent to this lady who is asking for divorce , my opinion is that you did everything you can to make them accept you looks like indeed teh fault is of your husband he should be your side same way he is at his family side but if he is not standing by your side so its clear he is not doing his job but do not worry sister Allah is with you he love you more than 70 mothers you just need to focus on your deen do salah daily read quran daily no matter even in english but at least read one to teo page daily do zikar daily and spend time in your children and stop asking your husband to make things better he seems faild for 15 years its their mistake not your you did your best so do not think about them whenever they will realise they will talk to you be with you one day they will realise their mistake and they will be ashame of their self and they will run for you even more harder than you run for them in these 15 years just work on your deen and teach your kids deen all will be fine soon insha Allah Allah is aware of everuthimg people do i will pray for you

    • Thank you for your answer and advise.
      Now I am in processing of changing my thinking. I have to value myself. For this 15 years I felt like I am not good enough, I wasted so long time trying to make them like me.
      Now I have to like myself first.
      I needed their love and attention. I was alone, I have no Muslim family and I expected them to open their hearts for me, to see my pain.
      They have made their choice, now I choosed to forget them.
      I told his sister I am very insulted from the way they have ignored me and I dont want any further contact with them.
      My husband is a little bit schoked and he still can not believe I would succeed to stand behind my decision. if they try to connect with me I wouldn't answer. I don't need their false promises and empty words.
      I want to increase my imaan ( my imaan also suffered because I felt ugly, nasty and unwanted). I want to spend more time with the kids - the last few month they had seen me anyway unhappy, nervous and crying. My kids deserve a happy and smiling mother.
      I have to increase my confidence too
      I have to change my thinking. Although everything I know I am a good person and my husband always says that.
      May be someday I will be able to forgive them. Because I am the person who needs this. That don't care if I talk with them or now. But If I have anger in my heart and soul that destroys me and my imaan.
      The time will show what would happen.
      Assalamu aleikum we rahetulla we barakatu

  3. Are you sure he doesn't have a second wife in his country? If he keeps going to his country and visiting his family. You need to be strong and tell him that he is failing his duties as a husband in taking care of his own wife and infant children.

    • No, he doesn't have another wife in his country. I'm sure.
      He goes there just to see his family. But he hasn't t been there the last 5 years because of the war ( Syria).

  4. Assalamualaikum dear sister when you tried your best and still they treat u badly or neglect then stop expecting i only feel u must expect from Allah not from humans as i have gone through this pain and now i least bother about it as whatever i do its only for sake of Allah and trust me if u overthink it will only spoil ur life and u are blessed with two kids be happy with them think of ur kids focus on ur family and i request u to stop breaking ur relation with ur husband just because of others somtime tricks are played to break relations so keep urself clam pray and love ur husband and kids be happy for what you are as its not your fault so stop punishing urself and dont discuss with ur husband about his family no person will ever like to here wrong about there family so focus on your real life thats ur kids and love them as they need u more than ur inlaws and i request do not think of divorcing astagfirullah or thinking all unwanted stuff ... this life is test and Allah will reward u for ur patience take care and take care of ur kids :)Trust your husband and love ur kids plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    jazakallahukhair

    • Salam, thank you for good words and advise.
      Yes, you are right - overthinking is a source of depresion.
      Now I feel a little bit better. We have talked a lot with my husband.
      Sometimes he admits that his family is " a little bit strange " with me, but he doesn't know exactly why. He says " they are not bad, they are just stupid"... But I replay why they are not stupid with the other daughters-in-law, they are trying to live in peace with her and the same time they don't think it is necessary to be good with me too.....
      I told him now I'm going to change myself. I will try not to think so mush why they did so and so... But I don't want ever to talk with them. Many times I asked them to change, but they had withdrew my asking. I didn't exist for them, now I want them not to exist for me too.
      My husband thinks I schould'n quit. He thinks I have to try to give then another chance.
      I dont want them to hurt ne again. I gave them so many chances but without any result.
      My husband says it is not Islamic if I don't forgive them. But I cant forgive. Their attitude hurts me. I have spent 15 years of my live in tears because I felt unwanted by them.
      Now I DONT WANT THEM TOO.

      I want to spend my time in positive way with my kids and husband.

  5. Salam,

    You're trying to create a long distance relationship with people that don't have English as their native tongue. Your sister in law lives with them so of course they have a relationship with her. You're not even in the same neighborhood. I don't see them being cold to you I think they're just prioritizing the relationship they already have with you husband and that's it. If you lived with them then yes, you would probably be talking to them more. But as it is, I would just stop worrying about this. Don't take it as them ignoring you, take it as they're in a different country and you're probably not going to be able to build a long distance relationship.

    • Salam.
      My husband thinks the same way as you. He says I have no priority because I am far away from them. But is it to hard for them just to say "Salam" from time to time?!
      The reason they bear their daughter -in-law is because she is from their culture. She has brothers and relatives to protect her interest. So my in-laws definitely don't iike her but they feel obligated to bear her with all her bad sides.

      My husband says I schould'n be jelous of her, because nobody of the family likes her but they are obligated to serve her.
      He thinks if me and his family meet, they would like me because I am honest,not lazy and good mother. But now I think I can never trust them and they are hypocrites.

      They are blind for everything I do for my husband and kids and in the same time they tolerate the other daughter- in- law with all her awful deeds.

    • Salam.
      My husband thinks the same way as you. He says I have no priority because I am far away from them. But is it to hard for them just to say “Salam” from time to time?!
      The reason they bear their daughter -in-law is because she is from their culture. She has brothers and relatives to protect her interest. So my in-laws definitely don’t iike her but they feel obligated to bear her with all her bad sides.

      My husband says I schould’n be jelous of her, because nobody of the family likes her but they are obligated to serve her.
      He thinks if me and his family meet, they would like me because I am honest,not lazy and good mother. But now I think I can never trust them and they are hypocrites.

      They are blind for everything I do for my husband and kids and in the same time they tolerate the other daughter- in- law with all her awful

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