Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is a borderline and my in-laws are just worsening it


I'm having huge problems ever since the first day of my marriage. My husband is a victim of borderline personality disorder due to which our relationship is terrible. He has angry outbursts and frequent mood swings. Plus, he has extremely low self-esteem and can't do a job. He is suffering from depression all the time and keeps sleeping. When I try to push him to do something productive, we end up in a fight.

That said, my father-in-law is just worsening the situation. He is a control freak and has treated his son like a slave. He controls his life and doesn't give independence to him. My husband is almost 30 but my father-in-law treats him like a kid. He asks for his full day report everyday and tells him what to do and what not to do. He frequently scolds him in front of me and the family, which makes him feel so unworthy. But my husband still doesn't see the problem. He never stands up for me in front of his father-in-law. He is too weak to take my side. My father-in-law disrespects me and my family and says the most hurtful of things. He tries to control my life too, what should I do, where should I go and not go. Sometimes, I feel like a second wife to my father-in-law, instead of being a wife to my husband. My father-in-law supports the entire family financially. This has given him the right to control me and my husband completely. We don't have any freedom in our decisions. My father-in-law's authority means that he feels free to shout at us and force us to do the things he wants to whenever he feels like. His controlling and narcissist attitude is the reason my husband has a low to non-existent self-esteem. My father-in-law has been doing this to him since childhood.

When I ask my husband to start working to get some independence, my husband says he can't handle stress and pushes me away telling me I'm pressurizing him. Even when I talk very gently, my husband says I'm putting pressure on him. Because he has a borderline personality disorder, our communication does not go well. Whatever I tell him is altered by his mind into something completely evil and different. I tell him it's okay if we live a life of poverty, as long as we have independence, we have the freedom. But he says he can't live a life of poverty and wants to live a comfortable life. I tell him that I'll work then to support him. But he dislikes me working as a woman and is more comfortable living off his father's money than living off mine. Sometimes my husband starts hating me so much for just a simple reason like ordering an extra pastry for him (just out of care) or not putting the utensils his way in the kitchen. And yeah because my husband is sleeping most of the time, he shows me hardly any affection. I've failed to deal with his emotional and psychological abuse. Can anybody please help?


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4 Responses »

  1. Sister ,

    The question you need to ask your self

    1)How long i am going to stay like this ?
    2)Do I have a backup support from parents in case of I move out from husband's house ?
    3)Do i have enough skills to get a good paying job to survive on my own (if parents support is not there)
    4)Are there any positives in current set up (despite having negatives) like having big house ,room ,money , security which
    you might miss if you go out and try to start your life on your own from zero .

    You need to think and decide wisely in cool and calm manner .

    Some times what happens over a period of time these father,mother in laws becomes old and automatically loose control .But you might not be sure how long it will take .

    Discuss these things with your parents .

  2. Communicating with people that suffer from mental illness and personality disorders is not always straight-forward. I think it might help you and your husband talk to a psychiatrist and psychologist about your problems. Family can be a great help, but in the end of the day, they are not professionals that know how to deal with psychiatric and psychological issues.

  3. I have a different question, have u ever thought what will happen when ur gather I law can no longer work and provide for the whole family then what.

  4. Dear sister, I feel like you are a good person. From your message, you really care about your husband's low self esteem which is a good thing. You are supporting him. I also had low self esteem due to my step mother who is the same way as the father in law you described but worst than you can imagine. You need someone supporitve. I feel bad for your husband and I feel like he is so messed up due to his brought up which i do believe affects you. It has affected me

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