Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Husband is different after marriage

Muslim woman in hijab

Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh brothers and sisters,

I am a newly wed Muslimah of 4 months, Alhamdulillah. I choose my own husband (it was not arranged) but I have slowly became less happy with the relationship. I was with him for many years before our marriage but it was long distance so we never really got to know each others bad habits. Don't get me wrong I want to fix things but I am losing hope as his behaviour becomes worse each day. I know and understand that nobody is perfect and I accept there will obviously be issues and arguments between us. But my fears of us not lasting are getting the best of me. I dont see divorce as an option because I dont want to divorce. But I also, understand Allah always knows best and sometimes things are decreed for us.

He often drinks, and chooses to stay out late with friends. He hasnt been actively looking for employment since he currently does not work. To top things off he becomes aggressive when upset although he does not physically hit me, he manages to frighten me. He always accuses me of cheating when I try to prove my loyalty and innocence to him he continues to assume and accuse anyway. I tried everything providing all passwords to my phone, laptop, and all my apps. Nothing changes his mind. I try to make him understand that all this time spent on negative things is not good for our health as its very stressful and I have breakdowns at least once to twice a week. I tried suggesting we go to a local mosque since we could use some guidence but denied me.

I try my very best to be understanding and patient but his mum calls upto 5x a day to see how he is and to ensure i fed him. I understand she cares about her adult son but its sometimes irritable since she scolds me sometimes for not making sure his errands are done. We dont have much privacy since shes always calling. How do I gently address this issue without being disrespectful or hurting anyones feelings? Please advise me as I have no idea how to deal with him stressing me and to make matters worse to gentley address his mum?

Jazallah khayr


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9 Responses »

  1. Let this be a lesson to all the readers out there. If you have loving and caring parents who have your interests to heart, trust them to find you a better spouse than you can find yourself.

    You had an illegal (Islamically) relationship with a non-mahram, you did not know him and now that you have married him you have discovered his true character. But I'm afraid it's the mistake we see time after time, young Muslims in haraam relationships, doing haraam things deciding to marry the person they have been sinning with in a hope for a future and a better life. If you start off with someone in a haraam manner the foundations are being laid. Sure some may change, but often they don't.


    Now that you are married, as he is doing haraam you must strictly say to him to cut out the haraam activities. If he does not, you should refuse him intimacy (be careful though, some men can get aggressive and violent) and if he still does not. Seek guidance from the elders in yours and his family. If he still does not change and act in a halal manner, seek divorce. Do not try that until you have tried everything first. But if you need to divorce so be it, you cannot spend your life and raise a family in an environment with someone drinking alcohol etc.

    • Very good advise brother. Unfortunately muslim men and women come to this site only after finding out the hard truth about trusting someone over the internet and marrying them.

      May Allah give wisdom to the youth to stay away from haram relationships on the internet.

  2. Sorry there was a error on the post

  3. If you really did talk with your husband for a long time before getting married to him, how come you didn't know what his good and bad habits in daily life are? How come you didn't know what he does with his time? Didn't you talk about these things as you were getting to know each other?

    Anyway, your relationship sounds interesting to me. On one hand, your husband is like a big man child that needs babying and looking after from you and his mother, on the other hand he tries to act like some macho chauvinist caveman that wants to control his wife, like she's his property.

    I honestly don't understand why you tip toe around your husband and treat him like a vulnerable little child you don't want to upset. Neither do I understand why you feel the need to prove your innocence to him and hand over your passwords to him - is he doing the same thing for you? Giving you all of HIS passwords? The bottom line's not normal for a husband to ask his wife to give him all of the passwords to her online accounts and electronic devices, nor to constantly accuse her of cheating.The fact that he regularly does that, unfounded, makes me believe he might actually be the one with a guilty conscience. I mean, if he's out drinking with his friends all night why wouldn't he also be sleeping with other women? Alcohol and casual sex often go together. I'm not saying your husband IS cheating, I'm merely trying to put things in perspective for you.

    I think people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. You are very leniant and soft with your tolerate his childish behaviour when you shouldn't have to, so he treats your badly. You need to respect yourself more before demanding the respect of your husband - when you respect yourself, then draw some boundaries. Tell your husband to get a job, or go live with his mother until he can contribute to your household, like a man should be doing. Tell him to stop drinking, or go live with his drinking buddies if they mean more to him. Tell him you need a man for a husband, not a stroppy teenager - and that if a stroppy teenager is what he wants to be, then....again, he should go live with his mother who can raise him and look after him until he's an adult. That's a mother's job, not a wife's.

    As for his mother, it sounds like she, too, is babying this guy. Even more than you are. I mean, why should YOU run HIS errands for him? Again, he's not a child, and you are not his mother to do that for him...I'm sure you must have your own errands to run, as most adults do.

    If you feel like your mother-in-law calls and meddles too much...honesty...just don't pick up her calls. Once or twice a day is plenty to accept...and I would advice you to not report on yourself to your husband's mother. Why would you tell her what you do and don't do for your husband? That's absolutely none of her business! If she asks you if you have done this and that, honestly, just tell her you'd rather not tlak about private affairs with her.

  4. @ MelinaTheRussian
    U hit the nail on the head!! I totaly agree with u. I hope this sister also understands this and do somthing about her husband n his mothers behivour.

  5. Salamunalaikum sister,

    When I was reading your post, I had to stop and think very hard to remember if I posted this myself or if its someone else's post because it sounds exactly like how my life was!! I also married a man that was my own choosing and not my families, I also was in a long distance relationship with him for many years before we got married and I brought him to USA. My husband was also babied like crazy by his family and was not working. My husband was also very jealous and would search my phone constantly. I also was completely hopeless for the future. Until I made things change. Alhamdululah, my husband is now working full time, he helps me cook (actually does most of the cooking in the house), he helps me clean, he comes with me whenever I go to my dads house, I go for coffee with my cousin/co-workers whenever I want to, etc.

    How did I accomplish all of this? I stopped doing things for him and made him start doing things for himself. I stopped giving him attention and soon he would give me attention. I actually stopped cooking and cleaning for weeks until he got off his bum and started cooking and cleaning. I honestly stopped caring; I thought that I brought this upon myself and now I must live with it... divorce is not an option so I literally stopped caring. I wouldnt have relations with him, I wouldnt even move a muscle if he started arguing or fighting. I would just put on my headphones and watch a movie or read a book or something until he would just be embarrassed and go away. I completely stopped talking to his family... to the point that his family thought that we broke up and he is living on his own. Because I couldn't speak to people who raised this man child to not have any respect or manners or work ethic and I still don't talk to them, maybe once every few months. I got my confidence back and he realised that in this world of 7 billion people, he was the man that I chose and he needed to step up because at any given moment, he could lose me. I am a well respected woman. I brought him to USA on my own without anyones help but Allah. I take care of my father and my brother. I work full time and I make very good money alhamdulilah and for my to be married to some lazy paranoid disrespectful man was just embarrassed... not just for me but for him too! So soon, he started to realise my worth.

    Wallah I am not saying now we live in lala land and were happy all of the time. Of course not, sometimes we still argue and sometimes I still want to leave him but then alhamdulilah, I pray and Allah gives me the strength to move forward. Slowly, after seeing his improvement, I started to love him again. I'm still not back inlove with him, but I love him.. I love him for all of the years that we have been together, I love him for his improvement, I love him for the hardhsips that hes gone through in his life, I love him for standing by my during my hardships and having my back in the worst and best times of my life. But... loving someone and being inlove with someone are 2 different things.

    I hope with all of my heart that you work things out with your husband because I completely 100% understand what you are going through! Divorce has been made sooo easy in this world that we live in that people just get divorced, left, right, and centre and I understand that when 2 people cannot get along with eachother and they have done everything they can to stay together, the best thing to do is divorce. But when people like me and you marry men who we chose ourselves, we will always for the rest of our lives be told by our family and friends "we told you so" and "you chose him yourself, how did you not know he was like this," and thats just as painful to hear as living with a man who is not who you thought he was.

    And I just wanted to mention something to "MelinaTheRussian," - Being with someone long distance, is very difficult. It is difficult in that you don't see them everyday, you don't know what they are doing, you don't know who they are with, you really don't know them all that well because it is very easy to lie over the phone... not even lie but not disclose everything. What man would say over the phone, "I'm really lazy and I have trust issues and I like to drink and I come home really late all the time, etc." nobody would say that. People will say things you want to hear because maybe they really love you and want to keep you or who knows why but that's the reality of it and for you to ask this sister why she didn't know him for all of these years is a little ignorant.


    • This is brilliant. We can't change others, we can only change ourselves, and they will be forced to adapt in response.

      However, I disagree that there is a difference between loving your partner and being in love. I think "being in love" is simply physical attraction. The idea of "being in love" as some magical, wonderful state of existence is a Hollywood construct.

      Wael Editor

    • Dear Lilly.
      It's actually quite easy to tell if a person is lying over the internet. I never assumed a person would tell the truth about his or her bad habits when trying to impress someone online, but there are clever ways to figure people online out, instead of just taking them on their word.

      Also, it's a good idea to never marry someone you have talked to online too soon after you meet them for the first time in real life. It's a good idea to take one's time to get to know the person offline, too, to make sure they haven't fed you with misinformation about them. There's nothing wrong with wanting or taking your time to know what kind of person you are potentially marrying. Marriage is a life-long, serious commitment...just like you would never pour your entire savings in questionable investments, you shouldn't give your life to someone you don't even know. The problem with many Muslims is that they rush in to marriage in order to avoid sin...because Muslims often believe it's sinful to even talk to someone of the opposite sex. How can you expect a marriage to be happy and successful if you are, essentially, marrying a complete stranger off of the streets? Marriage is hard enough when you marry your best friend, I can't imagine how much struggle a marriage with a stranger must be.

  6. Relationship in today's society are usually hanging on sometimes by family and control or because one person loves them...We must have proper communication with are spouses especially trust
    ..But the root for an awesome relationship we must have Deen in are lives. Fear of Allah is the root of everything....from this we become simple in talk speech life honesty. ..Love for all...peace n tranquility. ....Halal must be observed and stick to salad n quran!

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