Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not in love with me

Love, but not "in love"

Love, but not "in love"

I have been married for three years and my husband tells me that he's not in love with me but he loves me unconditionally..  I don't know what to do.

We have no kids..  He believes that because he's not in love with me, it's never going to happen because it should of happened in the beginning of our marriage. I believe that love comes in time.

I don't know what to do about this situation.

- Heba

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7 Responses »

  1. MashaAllah, you are loved unconditionally - there can be no greater love than this!
    Dont stress sister, what does "in love" mean anyway? It means different things to everyone. Dont get caught up on it, relax, enjoy the love ;0)

  2. Ps: What he is saying about children is rubbish - dont buy it, he is trying to control you emotionally and get you to try and "win him" - I would try completly ignoring such statements for a month or two and appear completelt unaffected by it and see what happens -

  3. Dear Sister Heba,

    What is the distinction between "loving" someone and being "in love"? Does it really matter? These are just words. If he is good to you, treats you kindly, is considerate and caring, and is generally a good husband, then what does it matter what words he uses to describe his feelings?

    On the other hand, if he is "in love" with someone else, or if he is withholding his affection from you, then you have a problem.

  4. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I think a lot of the problem in marriages in general is that we have unrealistic expectations of what marriage is all about. We have a Hollywood / Bollywood image of man and woman looking into each others' eyes and falling in love (and then often falling right into bed!) and then they live happily ever after. The reality is far different.

    In Islam, marriage is based first on a shared belief in Islam. After that, the couple should have compatibility with one another. This does not mean they must be madly in love - after all, if you have a correct Islamic relationship, you will not have kissed or even held hands with the other person, so how can you love him? What you start out with in an Islamic marriage is belief, respect, and potential. Then, you have to strive hard to develop a life together and build the mercy between you, by worshiping Allah, having a permissible income, and staying away from the haraam. The physical relationship between you helps to cement your bond, and you will develop love and affection for one another. This "love" may not be the head over heels love of all the movies, but it will be a love for the sake of Allah based on respect and shared values. This can be a much more enduring love, because the passionate love of Hollywood can fade easily over time if there is no foundation of Islam behind it.

    If he loves you for the sake of Allah, you are in a wonderful position because this will help ensure he fulfills his duties to you, inshAllah. If he fears Allah, he will always support you. And you should support him as well, and help him to be a strong Muslim.

    Now, I'm saying all this because I presuppose that you are both practicing Muslims who fear Allah and who will work to keep your marriage strong and intact. Now, I cannot get into his head and I do not know what is going on in there, but inshAllah he is being truthful with you, which is better than telling you sweet lies.

    The fact that you do not have children is a totally separate issue from love / lack of love. Children are conceived by sexual relations, regardless of the feelings of one party for the other. You see people who barely know one another having sexual relations and then conceiving a baby. So what I would recommend to you is that you have a physical done to rule out any problems that prevent you from having a baby. If you get a clean bill of health, then insist that your husband does the same. If he refuses, thinking it is "your" problem or he just doesn't care to have children, you must insist, because it is your right to have children if you are physically able. Ultimately if you find out there is nothing physiologically wrong with you, and he won't go to a doctor, you might have to deal with the difficult decision of staying married to someone who cannot father children. Of course, sometimes you cannot find a medical reason for why you cannot conceive, so even if he won't get checked out he may not have a problem, but he should at least be willing to take some tests to make sure. It may be something as simple as bad timing - a woman is only fertile for a few days out of any month, and if you do not have a terrible active sex life you simply may be missing the fertile times. Please see the answer to this question to get more information on fertility issues:

    I feel that, if he is being honest with you and you with him, that you certainly have a marriage that can be a strong one, even if he is not "in love" with you. Love is a fickle thing, and a stable marriage based on shared faith, respect, and hard work is a more solid foundation than one based on romantic love. Yes, some people have all of it in one basket, but in the real world, that is more the exception than the rule. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,


    • Salaam Alaikum Sister Noorah,

      i was wondering if i could email you personally rather than publicly on the site?
      thank you, salaam

  5. Asalamualaykum sister,

    It is possible for men to love more than one woman at a time hence why Allah permits men to marry two, three or four times. The love they share between these wives differ greatly. Even our prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had greater love for Aisha (Ra) than his other wives but he still loved all of his wives. What we women perceive as love may not be the same perception to men. So he may love you for a quality that you possess and he also has the capacity to love other wives with other qualities they possess. In conclusion for a man to be "in love" with one woman is not in their books. We may be asking for far too much emotional support from them.

  6. you mean, he respects you but not emotionallyattached to you?

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