Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not supportive and his mother accuses me, what should I do?

problem marriage

Separation for one's spouse

Aslam o Alaikum Brothers & Sisters,

I hope everyone is well.

I am very confused about my marriage and would appreciate any advice on my situation.

I got married last year (it was a love marriage but my parents were against it as they thought his family wasn't very nice). Since being married my life has been hell. His mother and two of his sisters have been very horrible to me. His mother and I just didn't get along- she used to try and cause arguments between my husband and I as she would get angry if I went out with my husband in the evenings to a restaurant, cinema etc.

The situation got really bad and I felt she was deliberately trying to break up my marriage so I went to see a scholar. I was told that my in laws had made me drink a taweez and want to split me and my husband up. I was told to also play Surah Baqarah in the house as this would ward off evil gins. I started playing this and my mother in law got very angry and told me to turn it off.

That day we had an argument and I too ended up raising my voice. I felt guilty for this although I do not believe I was wrong but the next day I apologised to her. She did not accept my apology and walked away from me. She then called her daughter over and we had a huge fight. She was telling me to go back to my mum's house (whom she knows hasn't spoken to me since my wedding as they were against it), and said that she had no respect for me because of the circumstances I got married under i.e without my parents although she was fine with it herself at the time.

Alhamdullilah my family are talking to me again and have been back in my life for the last 6 months or so and I am so very grateful for that.

Anyway, that day after she told me to get lost and go back home she pushed me and her two daughters came charging at me shouting that they wanted to kill me and I was a b**** etc. Hand on heart, I have no idea what I am supposed to have done. I did everything for them, cooking, cleaning, washing, buying gifts. I never got anything from any of them ever including on my wedding day- not 1 single thing.

Since that night they moved out and my husband and I changed the locks. However, since then my mother in law has been spreading malicious rumours about me, calling me a pr******** and saying that I call men round to the house in my husbands absence (I usually work full time but have taken a few weeks off). My mother in law has said that she wants to ruin my life and will make sure my husband and I split up.

Every time his mum and sisters call him round to talk they end up badmouthing me. My husband gets angry but he comes home and takes his anger out on me. He was so angry and said scary things like he wanted to batter me and broke my phone. He sees red when he's angry- his family know this which is why they provoke him before he comes home knowing he will take his anger out on me.

My husband is not the most supportive husband, despite what his family have said and done he still goes back and forth to them and every time he goes they choose to badmouth me. I can't communicate with my husband, I tried to email him my thoughts and feelings and he said he couldn't be bothered to read it and deleted my email. I also asked whether we will be registering our wedding in UK law and he said he does not want to until he is happy with me and he will be happy when I start paying 50/50 on everything. I already pay half of the mortgage and do our food shopping, I buy his clothes and my clothes too but now he says he wants to split the bills too 50/50.

This I am really upset about. A woman gets married for stability and love and affection but I have none of these things. He can't protect me from his hurtful and disrespectful family and also expects me to pay half of everything.   I told him that this house has bad memories for us and we should move out, in fact everyone tells him this but he is more concerned about how much money he would lose rather than put me first.

I have a new job due to start soon and it is in another city. I was planning on travelling every day but now it seems more appealing to me to move to this other city. I do not know what to do.I was thinking if he truly loved me he would come with me and find another job there and if he doesn't he will not come with me.

Please can someone help me- I do not know what to do. I love my husband very much but don't think I can live the rest of my life like this. I have no support and am always feeling upset and stressed. I like to talk about things, communicate but he doesn't and now all we do is sit in silence.

~ saira Nabi

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10 Responses »

  1. Walaikum asalam sister

    I am sorry about your situation I truly understand what you are going through because I'm going through something similar, islamically your husband should provide for you he has no right over your money.
    As for your mother inlaw I think she has it in for you maybe you need some time away from her and you and husband should move away to different town maybe then she will realise her mistakes.

  2. Salaams,

    Let's talk about what you mean when you say you love your husband. I think it's safe to say that your love for your husband looks like this:

    -You wish that things could be the way they used to be when you first married
    -You wish he would change and start supporting you the way you deserve, the way you thought he would when you first married him
    -You remember him being nice at times, and wish he would be that way again
    -You wish he would start treating you with kindness and affection.

    Sister, I hate to be the one to put it squarely, but none of those is real love. What those are, those are wishes based on memories and hopes you once had, maybe you even still have them to some degree. What you are probably doing is envisioning a picture of the way it "could" be, and hanging on to that picture, loving that picture.

    Sadly, the picture you are in love with is not the reality. The reality is this:

    -he takes his anger out on you
    -he buys into the badmouthing his mother and sister say about you
    -he has threatened you
    -he has broken your phone
    -he refuses to communicate with you
    -he deletes your email when you try to reach out to him
    -he refuses to financially support you as a Muslim husband should (paying 100% of your basic needs)
    -he doesn't protect you emotionally
    -he is not affectionate and caring
    -he is indifferent to you leaving him and moving to another city

    Sister, if you look at someone who I just described, which are the exact details you attributed to him in your post, you can see that clearly you are in love with something that is not the reality. In fact, a person who fits this description doesn't deserve true love and devotion, in my opinion.

    It sounds like you have already made reasonable efforts to try to change the way he is being toward you, and they haven't worked. You have found hope and peace in the idea of moving on with your life without him, so I believe that's the direction you should follow. Yes, you will have to grieve the fact that things didn't work out like you wanted, and you will have to lay to rest all those hopes and wishes you've been hanging on to. That will hurt. However, the hurt of bringing closure to what's become a dysfunctional marriage is nothing compared to the heartache you would endure if you stayed with him, hoping against reason, that something will change someday. I suggest you make istikhara and ask Allah to make the way forward easy for you as you move into a new life on your own.

    -Amy Editor

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    i may sound harsh, but please dont get offended. i see alot of similar post and sister keeps saying love, love, but i love him. sis hell with false illusion of love. its more like one sided so called love from your side.

    you said "He was so angry and said scary things like he wanted to batter me and broke my phone."? when a person goes mad and berserk they will beat you till they kill you. since you dont have any children its good, cos you dont want them to be raised in that enviroment. you never know your in-laws might brainwash them.

    also just moving to another city aint gonna solve your issues. marriage is a 50/50 if one side fails to do their share most likely the relationship will break. sis you said "I already pay half of the mortgage and do our food shopping, I buy his clothes and my clothes too but now he says he wants to split the bills too 50/50."?

    in islam the man has to provide for his wife and take care of her, financially and emotionally. all your earnings belongs to you, he has no share of it. he aint doing any of that. also there is no communication, nor is he willing to make it work. so is it worth all the stress and hassle? stress can make a person ill, and if he cant take care of you when you are in good health i wonder what he will do if you fall sick.

    you and your husband should re-study islam from scratch. onece he learns his religion, his role as a husband in islam etc, he may become a better person inshallah.

    i think its best to leave a person like that if he is not willing to change and make things better.

    ma salama

  4. Aslam o Alaikum everyone,

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I guess deep down I know what I need to do. It's just so hard, I visualised a family with him left my whole world (family) to be with him and i'm just so sad i'm in this situation. I asked my husband yesterday what he would do if his mum and sisters called him round for Iftari. He said he would go. I explained to him that I didn't feel he should after everything thats happened because if he does they will not realise they have done anything wrong and will feel that he doesn't care what they say or do to me as he will always be there for them. I explained how I felt and that I don't feel i'm getting any support for him and he should not go to their house so soon at least give it some time for them to relaise their actions are wrong and fear they may lose him but he does not agree. That's why I now feel that I will always be second in his life to him- his family will carry on with their abuse with me and he will be normal which makes me feel alone.

    I know I need to walk away- its just so difficult.

    Thank you all again.

    • Asalamu alaikum,

      I know how you feel, its difficult to walk away but the first step is always hard, it will be worth it at the end.

      Ma salama

    • My dear sister, I know its tough.

      But maybe you can just move to your new city, move out and get a fresh start. Sometimes, its good to try to patch things up in marriage, but if someone is not even trying and just verbally. emotionally, and is threatening to beat you- that means he has zero respect for you.

      You should look up Yasmin Mogahid lectures on youtube. She has some interesting ideas about struggles in this life.

      You know the right thing to do, now just find your support system (ie your family,friends, people in the city you are moving too, etc), and get your courage from them and may Allah grant you with all the blessing in this life and the hereafter.


  5. I agree with sister Amy completely.

    Sorry to be a party spoiler but this is the result of " LOVE MARRIAGE ". For a fact, according to western ideology, most " LOVE " ENDS with marriage and in Islamic ideology, LOVE STARTS after marriage. Our prophet mentioned that " marriage without WALI's consent is void ". Marrying in haste against parents will, will normally be void of any blessings. They are against this marriage for a reason, BUT you didn't listen to them and got married yourself. This is the obvious result. But there is a solution to every problem. Pray salat al istikharra and Allah (SWT) will guide you from there.

    Sister before marrying, you thought He is the person of your life etc etc, you loved him soo soo much that you left your MOTHER, FATHER, SIBLINGS etc just to marry the person you blindly love and I feel pitty that now you are facing the OBVIOUS consequences. Its bound to happen. This is what love marriage is all about, its dangerous, disastrous, unhappy etc etc. If not all love marriages but atleast 95% of them are terrible. Your love for him was covered and disguised with affection and deception.

    Sorry to say but your husband's love for you is a false love I believe. If he really do, then he would atleast support you emotionally, thats the least he can do. But he ver did as you said. and instead, He is now asking for a 50/50. I see where your marriage is going. He is clearly taking advantage of you.

    and also you said and I quote "However, since then my mother in law has been spreading malicious rumours about me, calling me a pr******** and saying that I call men round to the house in my husbands absence (I usually work full time but have taken a few weeks off). My mother in law has said that she wants to ruin my life and will make sure my husband and I split up." Sister you have to realise that your mother-in-law is clearly doing somthing extremely terrible. This rumours can affect your life, and also after "IF" you divorce your husband. If you dont make any decision and let your in laws to the action and you just sit there silent then be prepared for the worsts.

    I advice you to pray 5 times, make lots and lots of du'as, pray istikhara and Insha'Allah you'll come to a better decision.

  6. Waaleikum salam
    sorry to say dis but dear sis you must move on,dis marriage is going nowhere,i know it hard but Allah is d best healer,make dua,pray alot and inshaAllah u will be happy again.
    I wish u d best from deep down ma heart

  7. Salam sister...

    I feel sorry for you and really feeling sad for your situation as I went through similar situation. My husband was my childhood friend. We was friends for 18 years and out of that 4 years in marriage. We are sole-mates. Once I Felt like a perfect couple and others also thinks the same. I'm was so grateful to Allah for matching me with him. We are now divorced and I'm very sad for that too. We are leaving at my mother in-law house and everything started when I and my mother in law had an arguments that 1 day and she accused me for beating her. She event went and lodge a police report with the advise of her neighbor. She got all the support from her neighbor, siblings, relations, friends & her son (my ex-husband). There were nobody to support me. Actually, I did 1 mistake which I said 'BITCH' to her accidentally as I loose control of myself and my neighbor heard that. I do feel sad and re-grates with what I've said. I never said such thing ever in my lifetime to anyone. I always try to have good relationship with everyone. My parents never teach me to become rude like that. But it just slip form my tongue as I went through a several stages of accusation from my mother in-law. Their neighbor gave my mother in-law a new log and ask her to lock the main gate so that I cant easily enter the house. This happen when I was staying in that house. After confrontation to my husband he feel upset and said that he doesn't trust me anymore. He also feel afraid to let me stay at his mom house as if i'm an abuser. I did apologies for what I've said to her in front of my husband as that is what he wanted me to do. But things dint get better. It only went worst as my husband expect me to be a perfect daughter in-law which his mother will love.

    I wish u d best sis and pray hard to Allah....
    May Allah protect your marriage....

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