Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is porn addict.

divorced family with child, divorce couple with baby

Assalamualikum everyone.
I am a Muslim girl aged 32, and live in an Islamic country too far from my motherland. I have been married for some good nine years now. I Masha-Allah have a daughter of age 8. But the problem is that my husband has been an addict to Porn videos, movies and songs and I don't know since when!!
It's an arranged marriage and we didn't know each other before getting married. He is very rough and serious person from the very starting. And honestly telling that I don't think so we two understand each other so well up till now! After I got pregnant in my motherland, he moved to this Islamic country where we live now. After my delivery, I also came here with him, which is about 8 years ago.
After we came here, I started feeling alone because he used to have night shifts and my daughter was a baby then. My husband earns well and gives me enough to spend but the problem is we have NO CONTACT at all. We don't talk, we don't sleep together, we don't go anywhere together. apparently, I am locked up in the home. He drives our daughter to her school and picks her back. He also didn't allow me to do any job here (although the principal of my daughter's school offered me to teach in her school.)
HE SITS ON HIS LAPTOP ALL NIGHT AND ALL DAY LONG. And once, two and a half years ago, I caught him watching porn on his laptop. I was so hurt!! Which is ineffible. I felt so heavy at heart and weak in bones and stomach when I got to know his reality. I really hated him at that point of my life. I felt so ugly. I wanted to puke. I couldn't sleep and couldn't eat anything properly! Once I went to another city with my daughter and when I came back I saw our bathroom filled and messed up with his urine all over the floor. It smelled so bad that I threw over there. I felt dizzy and weak so poorly.
I didn't talk about it to him. He knows that I know that he watches porn. But i never talked about it to him. I didn't tell him how I felt about it. He doesn't sleep with me no more. We have no sexual life left. I know he has fallen a prey to porn, he is a patient now. Whenever I try to get close to him he pushes me away with his legs. He hits me with his hands so I cannot get closer to him. My daughter watches this happening to me. And once she started crying like hell. I couldn't control myself and I also started crying in another room.
My husband has become a patient. I searched the negative effects of porn and found most of them in him. When I married him, he was fair and handsome. But now he's fat, dark and ugly. He eats too much of the meat. His appetite is out of control. He has irregular sleeping patterns. He doesn't take bath for weeks. Cleans his hands with his shirt and hair after eating lunch or dinner. GIVES his daughter NO TIME AT ALL. once my daughter came to me and said daddy doesn't love me mama. And bursted out crying. I couldn't see this happening. My heart was bursting at that time.
I cannot help this man! I have prayed in namaz for him since years. I have done umrah asking Allah to bring him back to sirat ul mustaqeem. He doesn't offer any of his prayers at all since years. I asked him to do so and he started calling me molana and said I should keep my lectures to myself. He avoids talking to me. Avoids discussing anything.
All of this is having a bad impact on me and my daughter. He has ruined his life and now is destroying my and my daughter's life.

He is a chain smoker. Empties two to three packets of cigarettes in a day. Keeps sitting at one corner of our living room. Watching porn all the time. Having no interest in me, no interest in his daughter's life. He is Either sleeping, Eating, watching porn or is in his office.

God forbid, I once checked his phone and read his messages where he had a group chat with his friends and everyone was using so filthy language for girls. Sending each other nudes and abusing each other. Using that "F" word so often. I can't tell how much I cried that day.

He is destroying his life. I feel pity for him. I don't hate him but I literally don't like him anymore. He doesn't know what is he doing to himself!! He doesn't know that not only he but his wife and his daughter is also being affected.

I think he is living in his very own fantay world of porn. Where he is binding himself. He needs a therapist. But who will tell him that he actually needs to go for a therapy? He doesn't listen to me when I ask him to offer his prayer. he thinks I am not being his supporter but am against him. Feels like I am living with a heartless person. With no emotions. No fear of Allah. No responsibilities. No love. No desires.

I cannot change him unless he wants to change himself. And he has no idea what sin he's into! He thinks his life is going just fine. He cannot look at himself with our eyes and cannot see what a mess he has transformed himself into.

My heart is honestly blocked while writing this.
I cannot stay with him here no more.
I want to leave him. My health is getting worse day by day. I just want to move out of this dirt. He asks me to go back to my own country (from where we both belong) and that he will keep sending money. I think for the betterment of my daughter's future and my own mental and physical health, I should leave him for an year or so and go back to my country. Because I can't take this no more!!

Heartbroken_muslimah


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12 Responses »

  1. First of all you need to talk to him! At the end of the day you have a daughter with him and youre going to spend the rest of your life with him.

  2. Assalamu Alaikum Sister...Does he offer 5 times regular prayer?....If he is not willing to have physical relationship...you have no meaning to live with him. Say thawakkal Alallah & discuss with him seriously....May Allah Subhanahu Watala bless you with s happy life....

  3. Assalamu alaikum sister

    Indeed you are suffering but so is your husband.

    Believe it or not, this problem began or was allowed to fester by your husband working night shift as Allah has created the nifty for rest and the day for sleeping as he not?

    So when the money was pouring in it seemed fine but now what!

    I am not blaming you but your husband in his years of being single and most likely being somewhat unaware of prom being zina committed it to relieve himself and his nafs and mind developed an addiction to it.

    That he worked nights reduced his ability for his soul to recouperate and has escalated ever since.

    So these 2 things are the cause of the problem you are now facing.

    First thing your husband needs to do is acknowledge that porn is wrong and working nights is also wrong despite any good intention he might have.

    Once this is in his brain he can then stop his bightwork and then turn himself of porn.

    Now you have the picture you also need to help him, but it will become easier when he stops working nights. If you leave him do not expect that he will get better or that your marriage will get better- in fact both will get worse.

    Marriage is sacred and it is for each partner to help the other in the religion and to make a path to Jennah.

    You have enjoyed the haram money he has been making right, so know that your attachment to that is part of the problem too.

    I recommend you and your husband have a real honest chat about the money about his state and about how you feel. He does not sound too bad or evil, just far from the haq at the moment.

    Tell him to take some time off from work, like at least a month but better a bit longer. Go somewhere all of you together where you can relax and talk and enjoy having each other.

    Be nice to him and try to be generous to him but be honest with him also about telling him what you want.

    If the money is more important to you then he gives it to you so no point complaining but if your marriage and your family and Islam is more important to you then give these things the priority and try not to be hypocritical about it. You might have your own addiction to money as well might he.

    Also you need to give the process of change some time. Have this talk and have this kind of talk whenever you feel the need. If you value your marriage then value your husband, he is not going to hate you if you are nice to him even if it might seem that way and your first attempts. Tell him to join a gym, he won't want to while he is working nights but he needs to give this up.

    Do all these things and if you and him are sincere in doing it for the sake of Allah then Allah will bless your marriage and our love in each of you right hearts for each other or otherwise cause you to separate. If the case is the later then it is because either both of you are wrong or one is on the right path and the other is no longer their like or a believer.

    Masalama

    • Not exactly...? SALAT guards you from all evils not reading quran.....eating meat was a big key to the puzzle....meat is a quality that is hot and if eaten too much can be very dangerous...especially sexually. ....this why the sahabas were semi vegaterian. They were strict in there diet. Dayshift is preferable but everyone situation is different....I'm a surgeon that works late at night..and is married to an Alima....so understand that iman is the foundation 1st.

  4. Assalam o Alikum sister, no doubt you are living in a hell and it's also ruining other aspects of life too which people don't really focus.
    just think about it that either you will continue to live like this or you need change right now.
    obviously you need change.
    so before taking any major step just have a nice conversation with him and tell him every thing that what about our future . porn is severely addictive but does porn is giving us anything . does by just watching porn makes us everlasting calm or gives us forever enjoyment.
    it's just a last for few hours. it is because you have time , I am 100 % sure if in that time slot you have a job or work you wouldn't watch porn.

    Tell him about Akhirah that Jannat is more beautiful and more enjoyable living than this earth..we are here just for 60 70 years and our actual life starts after death.

    Sister prays alot for your husband. Just ask him if he would leave porn for Allah .
    Allah blessed him with beautiful daughter. work on her for her bright future.
    Sister have patient and consistently prays and push your husband in a wise way .

    May Allah swt bless you with peaceful life Ameen.

  5. Maybe his interest in porn is not the cause, but a symptom of another disease. You describe a complete loss of interest in everything but his carnal urges like eating, sexuality, and of course his drug addiction (I mean the smoking). Based on your description I find it possible, that he has either a kind of schizophrenia, or some kind of a progredient brain disease; in these typically the most complex functions are (including social skills) are affected first, while the urge to satisfy basic needs and doing things which do not require much thinking can remain intact for a long time. (I have met somone with progredient dementia who already had serious memory loss, but could still drive a car.) A very important information was missing from your account: how old is your husband? Because the older he is, the higher the chance of developing such a disease.
    Look for further signs of this! Is he capable of solving a cross-word puzzle for example? Or a shudoku? Is he capable of any meaningful conversation, which requires some differentiated thinking? If he is purely a porn-addict, than these capabilities should remain intact. An angry reaction if you try to make him do such things may only be a kind of defensive reaction because of his incapability to do it, like a child reacting with anger to a task it is overwhelmed with. It may be very useful to contact a relative of him, who has known him half a lifetime and - if possible - even invite this relative to stay with you for a few days to evaluate the changes in his personality (for example your in-laws, his brother or sister). If you find that his intelligence has decreased, a neurologist / psychiatrist is to be counsulted.

  6. You can divorce him you know...Don't let your dreams shatter life is short...so be the best you can be...You got Allah and that's what counts at the end of the day....quran and sunn ah will protect you...be good and clean for in these times it is really bad our there

  7. So why are you still there? Its affecting your daughter why are you still there???

  8. Assalamualaikum Sister.

    Men watch porn to escape from a married life or troubles elsewhere or just out of boredom. If he's addicted to porn, treat him like a patient. Be interested in his hobbies, life, these videos, etc. Slowly wean him off porn (like drugs) by entertaining him, indulge in his fantasies, even share some of yours. The addiction/ obsession he has for PORN will SHIFT TOWARDS YOU. Wear lingerie he likes, talk & walk like those pornstars, act the way likes in those movies BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY DON'T JUDGE HIM. He's sick and you must treat him with KINDNESS AND PATIENCE. Sister while in his fantasies he will be most vulnerable, that is the time you should THE MOST UNDERSTANDING.

    If you apply this sister, In-sha-Allah, he will LOVE YOU MORE DEEPLY THAN EVER BEFORE.

  9. Leave him. He's a disgusting animal; you are living with a pig.. How can you do this to your daughter?! Please, get yourself and her away from that nasty man!

  10. OP: And once, two and a half years ago, I caught him watching porn on his laptop. I was so hurt!! Which is ineffable. I felt so heavy at heart and weak in bones and stomach when I got to know his reality....... He doesn't sleep with me no more. We have no sexual life left. I know he has fallen a prey to porn, he is a patient now.......We don't talk, we don't sleep together, we don't go anywhere together. apparently, I am locked up in the home..... His appetite is out of control. .....He has irregular sleeping patterns. .....He doesn't take bath for weeks. ....He is a chain smoker

    You saw your husband watching porn one time and you think he is addicted to porn. There are no specific effects of porn. You need to go for a couple sex therapy. No sex life means your husband may have a some kind of sexual dysfunction. How your sex life came to a stop can help a therapist or physician get some idea about the cause of the problem......Was your husband a chain smoker when you married him?....What changes you noticed in him after he stopped having sex with you?

  11. Sister! really felt sorry for what had happened to you. It's time to move on. Since you have a daughter and you tried to do your best ( I think). Go back to your country before it is too late. You can't help him unless he changes himself from within.

    Allaah knows the best!

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