My husband is unfaithful and lazy – I’m considering Divorce
Assalam Mualiekum.
I realized that there are many topics regarding this topic but not being able to share my problem and asking for someone else's perspective is killing me inside. For I feel trap and am looking for some answers.
I am 25 years old now, when I was in my teens all I cared about was marrying a religious man. From another state a man proposed and we were just six months apart in age. At least I heard or knew that he was Hafiz Quran and with instant I said YES. We were engaged for 2 years so we could both finish school. We both got married when we were 20-21. I moved in with his family and leaving my family behind in another state.
Six months of marriage was beautiful till one day I found his phone and emails talking to a girl he used to like before marriage. I cried and cried and my heart was broken. The conversation was not a normal conversation in fact were very sexual. (Note: this woman he was talking to was also married). So I took this matter thinking you know we've only been married for six months and I will give it a time with time he will grow to love me. I emailed that woman and asked my husband to stop. Husband said sorry- and later found his email to her saying that "one day they will be together inshallah."
As time went by nothing improved. He didn't talk to that woman but he opened up dating sites and would always talking to strange women. I wish it was normal conversations, but his conversations consisted of exchanging nudes, sexy conversations and later lead to phone conversations.
In the mean time I tried to be the best wife. (mind you, I still lived with in laws and had so many problems with them) They wouldn't let me go to to my parents or anything. In the mean time I finished my school, had a baby and tried to get a job for a better future).
We finally moved out after three years and I really thought it was a new beginning. We had a year old son. But again life was the same. Every time I would express my pain to him and told him I will involve adults he would cry cry and beg that he promised he is changing for Allah and for me. I would believe him all over. In meantime year went by. Nothing improved in fact it got worse so worse that I went to depression and was going crazy. Finally it was ramadan and I cried and cried to Allah to help me because I no longer could take it and would give me a sign that I do things according to Allah and make the right decisions.
I finally found my husband's phone (mind you he would never ever let me touch his phone) but I got hold of it. I found the same girl that he talked to about four years, and this time she was divorced. Their conversation consisted of we will have beautiful family, my fantasy is to be with you, you are so beautiful and am sorry for not marrying you, blah blah blah.
My heart was broken (he had this conversation with her after we had a talked and he said he was going to change). I made a call to my parents they were shocked to discover the news and called me over.
Now I am here after two months (this man who I thought was good man never prayed after marriage, this man who was supposed to finish school lied about going to school or work). He is now with his parents and I am here. Now his excuse is give me a chance remember, you can always leave me if you want to. I promise I can change. It is like the same thing over. He says he was away from Allah now he will be close to Allah and we have one son. He says he was drunk in his sins and that he always smoked weed. He says he will get a job (may be I don't know where since he never went to school and will try to school now.) I have hard time believing that since he has been telling me the same thing over and over again for the past four years.
My dilemma is that in four years you didn't love me or cared about me why would you love me now? In four years I supported him so much and only Allah and he knows and he agrees that I did and you didn't change what is there to say he will change now. In four years he had no realization he has a son. Also I feel like he wants to be rescued from his parents because he never got along with them either and is using me.
I am so lost and confused. My parents say they left the decision up to me and I should have left him long time ago (my parents are very conservative so this coming from them means something). I am relying on Allah to make the decision for me and put in my heart what to do for I don't believe in him or trust my husband. He cries just like old time and I am not sure if I should believe that.
I don't want to make wrong decision in the sight of Allah, and I am so afraid of future. What if I never get married, what if I get married and my future husband is a cheater again, what if my son life gets ruined?
But I realized how in four years I was so unhappy and depressed and now that I am here my soul is free which I have never experienced it before when I was married to him.
Thank you for taking your time to read this and I tried my best to make it short.
May Allah reward you.
Sayras
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Salam sister,
I'm sorry for how your relation turned out to be. I want to give you few advices
1. Before making any decision, make sure you will stand by it and you're not in anger and then leave it to Allah SWT.
2. Patience is what is required here
3. Your husband was cheating on you for 4 years. How can such a man improve (unless Allah SWT wants). It seems you have lost trust on all man. Not every man is the same. My point of view is look for someone who will accept with your kid.
May Allah SWT HELP YOU .
Salam,
Your Muslim brother.
Salaam,
I think you made the right decision. I am sure you have read countless stories on here about men like your husband- they never change and you gave him four years of your life- sister, you have been patient enough. Just move on, Alhamdulillah you have an education so you can support your self. Do not rush into marriage again and not because someone prays 5 times, know the Quran, etc. that automatically makes them a good person. Just take care of your son and your self for now and trust Allah to take care of the rest.
Salam sister,
Four years is a long time and you have been very patient. You sound very logical and reasonable. I trust noone will blame you if you choose to divorce. He said he will change and you know that it is only a lie but a way to justify to himself and his family that he gave the marriage a try. When you really choose to divorce him one day, the ball is in your hand and he can let go of any responsibility. He will be free and feel no guilt to marry with this "divorced woman.'
You are very young and you still hold a good future , do not let this disappointing marriage to mess up with you life. If all you said is right without bias, you know by heart the answer is obvious. I respect you highly that you put Allah first, then pray istikhara to get a unbias decision. I trust Allah will guide you to the right path.
May I also ask who pay the bill in the family? Or are you the bread winner? How could you both survive if he has no education or no work? This part, I do not understand. If he has no shame to let you work and pay the bill, then this kind of men is good for nothing.
Salam sister,
I'm sorry for the situation your in. I'm not sure why men like our husbands actually get married in the first place! I've been through something similar so I can relate to your story.
Your husband doesn't sound like a responsible man and he has been cheating on you. He has repetitively shown remorse, whether it is sincere or not only Allah knows, but he has continued sinning.
I know it's hard to do this, I have found it very difficult also but in situations like this you need to give yourself some time, gather your thoughts and really think things through logically, not emotionally. Tell your parents everything and seek their advice. I found this to be very helpful. Throughout my marriage I had been bottling up everything in an attempt to make my husband look good in front of my family, it's only recently that I have truly opened up about everything and it has shocked my parents about how badly my husband and his family treated me. It helped to talk to someone I trusted, my parents, who I knew wouldn't say or do anything to break my marriage unnecessarily. It helped to organise my thoughts and see my husband and his family for who they really were, it also helped me realise about any mistakes I had made, though i had made none to actually end a marriage.
Also, words are cheap, you need to judge your husband by his actions. If he really wants things to work out he will go out of his way to get you back. Will he try counselling to work through any issues? Also, is he willing to be completely open about things eg letting you have all his passwords, see his phone etc to win back your trust. He needs to show you that he is willing to do absolutely anything to win you back and restore the trust.
As an outsider and someone who has been through something similar I would say leave him and try to move on for a better future. Would u really be able to live with a man who so comfortably has been lying to you for four years and having sexual relations with another woman, a married woman!!! They both deserve each other - for all we know her husband probably left her because he found her cheating on him!
Anyway, think of yourself in this situation, put yourself in his shoes how do u think he would have reacted if he found u having an affair? I doubt he would tolerate it!
Do istikhara and ask Allah swt for guidance and then make your decision. You've given this guy four years worth of chances, you've got to draw the line somewhere. May Allah swt make it easy for you and the rest of us ameen
Salam sister how are you? How are things now?