Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband isn’t happy and I’m not either.

Angry husband, no love, husband turning away

I’ve been married four years. I have two kids. This marriage started out ok but is just deteriorating more and more with every passing day.

We fight all the time. He thinks I don’t respect his family and I’m not supportive of him financially (I stay home with the kids) and that I make no effort to save from the just barely sufficient budget he gives me. He always complains that I ask for stuff or money all time. Everything I ask for is for our kids. I don’t spend money on myself or the home (like anything not necessary) and when I do, I have to ask him!! I can’t get into every detail for obvious reasons but there is growing resentment between us.

He has stopped touching me, sexually and otherwise, since I was pregnant. I am super affectionate and he knows that and I’ve told him so many times I need to cuddle and just be close even when it’s not going to lead to anything. That fell on deaf ears. He has pushed me away from him during a hug or when we are just holding hands. That’s aside from rejecting any sexual advances. We sleep in separate rooms.

I am having such a hard time spiritually and I feel like I’m losing my way.

This is my second marriage (I was married when just out of high school to a guy who couldn’t get it up and we got divorced just months later bc I knew I couldn’t live that way). Here I am living that way now though and I don’t know that leaving him will be right bc there are other lives involved. It feels selfish. I am frustrated. I have trouble praying. I can’t understand why I get more attention from random guys outside than I do from the one that is halal for me. I have taken to masturbating to relieve the tension so I don’t fall into haram.

Aside from all of that he is always putting me down. He criticizes me all the time about everything and tells me I’m stupid (in so many words) bc he has a PhD and I have a liberal arts bachelor degree. I have done so much for him. I actually wrote most of the papers for his classes when he started that degree. I got him his green card and now citizenship and we went from a one bedroom apartment to a nice condo and he has a great job now. Suddenly I’m garbage to him and I’m past being hurt. I’m just sick of it.

I don’t know what to do anymore. We get into massive fights at least once a week and then we don’t talk for a week after. I suggested marriage counseling some time ago but he refused. Now I feel like I don’t even care enough to try it (now he wants to try it). My parents are coming out next week to talk to him to see if they can help straighten things out but I can’t even tell them some of the serious problems we are having (like we haven’t had sex in three years). I feel like I’m backed into a corner and I don’t know what to do.


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8 Responses »

  1. Your issues seem exactly same as mine that I had for years. What seems to have calmed things down is that she started listening to some of the really important things that I wanted from her and in return I started loving her and then she started loving me back. It doesn't sound like he has decided to love you yet and that's maybe not his fault... Try doing some things he wants and it looks like there's a few tings above that he has asked and complained to you about so try and do those things but dont throw it into his face after and give up quickly... Keep doing those things and then after a few weeks he will start to love you and then naturally you will fall In love. You both sound like you are not in love because you both trying to get things from each other but marriage is not about how much can I get from this person its about helping each other. But to get to that stage you need to address a handful of really serious issues that's stopping any love from growing like your disrespect his parents doesn't matter if you think you actually are the point is he thinks you are so ask him what you can do differently and he will tell you and that might be a massive barrier to him loving you. Similarly you have major issues in the way of love growing but understand that the husband has greater rights than you in Islam because he has to spend on you and protect you so you should do the first move. God wants to teach you to humble yourself more maybe Allah knows. Masturbate is better than haram and I'm sad your getting attention outdoor.. Don't seek this. If my wife wore make up outside just once or dressed in a way to get attention outside I would most probably not speak to her for 7 days and then divorce her. Try those things I've said I know what your coming from. When something goes wrong aswell try the 6 second rule from psychology. Count 6 seconds before you actually act.. That way your blood in your brain can go from the emotional side to the logical side in 6 seconds it's proven science and really works. I can see you being a very loud aggressive girl especially with all that hormone building up so try the 6 seconds.

  2. I read this and my heart goes out to you sister, sounds like you have tried everything with your husband, maybe it is best to pray to Allah(swt) and ask for guidance and follow your heart , when I say you heart I mean your true instinct. If your instinct is to leave this man after asking for guidance then leave and start a new life. If your instinct is telling you to stay that his behaviour will change then by all means make the marriage work.
    Maybe there is something that you both need to work on and Allah(swt) is testing you both and revealing flaws to work on in the relationship which may bring you closer to Allah(swt).
    If you feel this marriage is steering you away from Islam and you fear that your faith is weak whilst married to this man then I definitely would ask Allah (swt) to reveal what is best for you.
    In Sha Allah (swt) everything will be ok and maybe Allah (swt) has something better for you waiting , that could be a new start or a better marriage with your current husband. Only you will know what to do, put your trust in Allah (swt) and let him guide the way -to the right path.
    I wish you all the best sister.

    • In marriage leaving your spouse is difficult , but if your husband does not show love or appreciate you and it is having a clear affect on you, then you must leave the marriage as your children will grow up to learn that disrespecting women and been cold towards there spouse and not appreciating them is "normal" and it is not, nor is it Islamic.
      There are a lot of cultures who are twisting Islam to suit their desires and not following Islam -when mistreating their spouse and children, and refusing "to take responsibility for bad behaviour by blaming the wife for everything."
      A lot of the mother's of the men who get married have raised the men differently - by over praising them and making them behave with "a sense of entitlement".
      Unfortunately these men tend to grow up abusive (if witnessed abuse at home when they were young) verbally abusive and child like behaviour i.e. Crossing boundaries, not respecting their spouse, showing sign of extreme self centred behaviour, and cheating ( commiting adultery with other women).
      All of the things I mentioned above are not Islamic behaviours , they are the behaviour of "controlling men, who are extremely self centre with little regard for anyone else, but themselves."
      And Islam describes this as oppression.
      I read some of the comments left by others and would like to say, Sister if he is not willing to treat you with "dignity", "respect" and "love"in an "Islamic way" then leave him for the sake of you and your children. By putting up with "bad" behaviour not only are we as women agreeing to this behaviour but we are also saying it is "acceptable behaviour" to our children. Which it is not .
      The message is clear women who are treaty unfairly and are not valued or loved in a marriage must leave - it is hard and their maybe other similar characters (to your husband or female victims of verbal abuse) who will talk you into doing what is wrong and just accepting the abuse.
      Be strong Allah (swt) will help you and trust Allah (swt) sister something much better will be in store for you, but firstly you need to make changes.
      Divorce is an option and if your being treated poorly by anyone it is important that you remove yourself from the person, and set an example to your children.

  3. This is my view. Maybe I am wrong, but I doubt it. Your husband married you for a green card.

    Your husband probably did not expect that within four or five years he would have two children and his wife staying home. He had it in his mind how it would be, with you working and making a financial contribution into the household and no children. Then after a few years, he probably was going to leave you. It is almost classic Green Card Abuse.

    Your husband sounds like a little spoiled brat. A whiny man who is cheap and a human failure, unwilling to adequately financially support his wife. I would go as far as saying that you might be considering going back to work in order to make sure your needs are met since your husband is making it so difficult for you. That also may be part of his plan and the reason for his unwillingness to properly provide for you.

    Often people offer advice to women (and sometimes men) and say "be patient", that they will make dua for you and they sympathize with your distress. In Islam there is a concept of Hikman, or common sense. If someone is mistreating you, you distance yourself from them. That is how I function. I can fast all day and pray all night, but if a bill has to be paid, I have to work so it can be taken care of. If I am sick, I have to take medicine. Allah has given us tools and resources to help us solve our problems. Your husband is being a jerk, name calling, belittling and pretty much making your life a misery.

    Your mention your marriage is in trouble. No. YOU are in trouble. Your husband does not care. It is one thing to not get along. To prefer to watch a football game instead of a movie. To want to spend the holiday with your family instead of your spouses. To be a neat person living with an untidy person. But what your are experiencing is cruelty and is a form of abuse. Get out now and let Mr. Green Card pay child support and alimony. Don't continue to expose your children to this dysfunctional lifestyle.

    • I second that.
      Probably, married you for citizenship. Didn't have intention to be with you genuinely. He is mistreating you and belittling you because he doesn't love you and never wanted to be with you. He is making the matters worse, so you can leave him and then he'll blame you. I wouldn't be surprised if he lies to the court.

  4. Salam,

    Are you still seeking advice on this issue? To start I do think you need marriage counseling. You two also need to come up with a budget of what the kids need and what you need and write it all down. Beyond that you two need to sleep in the same bed. Leaving your wife's bed is listed in the quran as a punishment, this isn't how you two should be living together.

    I disagree that he married you just for the greencard. If he divorces you he's going to be paying for the two kids till they are 18. Most greencard only marriages don't come with kids.

  5. AoA,

    When the kids are small, they need attention all the time. It is tiring! Men do not have the same ability to put up with noise, demands and unruly behavior. This is not the sexiest part of the marriage...but he is only allowed to leave for 3 days. That is the limit for a fight. On the third day, once things have cooled down, you need to function in your marriage and talk.

    If he belittles you, in a calm voice, mirror his words, so that he sees himself clearly. Islam says we are to be mirrors to each other. Unfortunately, his reflection will look tarnished, but he needs to learn! You say: You are belittling me. When you can talk without sarcasm, I will listen to you gladly!

    When you ask for money for legitimate things for the kids and yourself and he gives you a nasty reply. Say: Are you trying to guilt trip me? Because it's not working. The husband is the provider in Islam. If you did work, all the money should go in your pocket, not his budget!

    The man is responsible for what goes on in his house. I am forgetting the Islamic word, but it really means that whatever goes wrong is his responsibility to fix--not yours.

    We went through poverty for 13 years. It was NOT fun. (But, my husband did not run me down and call me stupid.) During those years, my husband was like this because he was defensive about not having money.

    Tell him to make a realistic budget--which includes your needs--before you toss the marriage. And lots of men refuse to pay Alimony, so proceed with caution...

    My husband is not a huggie guy either. It drives me crazy! But, years later, I have a son who hugs me better than anyone I have ever met!

    • Stay strong Allah (swt) didn't not put us on earth to be belittled and except or tolerate bad behaviour, what ever comes to us which is bad- is from ourselves. It is what we except from others and do nothing about, it is easy to stay, be broken down piece by piece but much harder to walk away. The easy way is not always the way in which we receive rewards. I.e. It is easy to be "bad" do bad things it takes a lot to be strong and to do what is right.
      In Sha Allah Allah (swt) will give you the strength to do what is right.

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