My Husband needs a child.
This is in Panama, where Salma spent her first two years
I am a Muslim woman British and white, married for 7 years to a wonderful black African Muslim man. I am 20 years his senior but despite all these differences we are committed to each other. He, however desperately wants a child which I can't give him as I can't have any more children. I have 3 children from a previous marraige. I truely want to help him resolve this problem.
We have looked at finding a surrogate mother but British women to help in this are hard to find and unreliable, that is they change their minds quite often. I know that a surrogate Muslim woman is not permitted in Islam. so he would have to get married again. I suggested that we look for a Muslim woman who already has children and is divorced or has lost ther husband. The reason being is that I know he would be basically marrying not for love but for procreation and I feel that although he would treat her honourably. I wouldn't want her to be lonely or feel unloved.
We have a very difficult problem to solve and I hope that the Muslim community can give some constructive comments and hopefully some practical advice.
Thank you
~ChickenSuit
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Salaams,
Perhaps I am oversimplifying your predicament, but why hasn't adoption be looked at as an option? I realize some families don't "qualify" for this, but in that case there is also fostering. I don't believe that having biological children should be the only option considered by those who want children.
However, if he has his heart set on having a child who is his by blood, and the two of you are in agreement that he can take a second wife for this reason, I believe it's only fair that this is communicated clearly to her (along with the fact that all her other marital rights will be met as well) so that she can give an informed consent to this arrangement. It may be that you find someone who is not looking for "love" either and would be comfortable being strictly a dutiful wife and mother, insha'Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam
I am a convert also and to my understanding in order to marry another wife, according to the Quran, a man has to treat her equally as he treats his first wife. Wouldn't marrying just for procreation be against the teaching? Please correct me if I am wrong.
And I do agree, that there is always an option of adoption and fostering. I am looking into it myself, inshaAllah.
Shanez
Salaams,
Women and men both have a right to raise a child. If the one you married is unable to have children, then you may divorce and remarry someone who can. Since men can take up to 4 wives, this is also another option for them to take a second wife and have children with her.
Equal treatment means financially providing for both the same and spending equal amounts of time with them. You must make sure each wife has the same amount of food, clothing, has shelter of equal value, and all their basic needs are met equally. If you give a gift to one, you must give a gift to the other, but it doesn't have to be the exact same gift. If you spend so much time with one, you have to spend that same amount of time with the other.
Inequal treatment would be like housing one wife in a mansion, and making the other live in a shack, or giving one $200 a week for food but the other only gets $30/week. If one wife has a child, the father is still obligated to provide all of that child's needs, but those needs are considered as separate from the maintenance provided for the mother.
Hope that helps to clarify.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sister,
Women are designed by Allah (swt) as mothers , but that does not mean all women will be mothers in their lifetime, some will beg and cry to become mothers and others may hate to become mothers and yet others full of love and joy on becoming mothers.
All of which are meant to be a trial for mankind.
Kindly read and contemplate on:-
42:49 To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan).
42:50 Or He bestows both males and females and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is Full of knowledge and power.
Adoption is a "secondary option to marriage". Eventually the two will grow old and at one point in time they will need people to look after them, who will do that for them?, if they had no children from their own lineage?
Now here you wish to overcome this by adopting a child and raising it as your own. Obviously, by giving security and guidance to an orphan, you may be doing a good deed on the other hand you must understand that you were only a “custodian for that child” or a foster parent and NEVER his/her natural mother.
Children “looked after” ( adopted in the English sense) in this way, are not legally, socially and morally your children. You are in no way permitted to allow the child to think you are his/her mother, nor are you allowed to attach your name or surname to the child.NEITHER YOU CAN BE MAHRAM TO THAT CHILDREN. PROPHET SAWS ADOPTED ZAID (R.A) AND he never gave his name or he was treated as mahram .
Zayd was called his son as was the custom among the Arabs before Islam. But Islam abrogated this custom and disapproved of its practice.Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) was the first man to express this disapproval in a practical way. WHY HE DID THAT SO THAT HE CAN REMOVETHE TABOO IN THE SOCIETY THAT ADOPTED ARE NOT THE SAME AS REAL CHILDRENS.So he married the divorcee of his "adopted" son to show that adoption does not really make the adopted child a real son of the adopting father and also to show that marriage is lawful for divorcees.
Incidentally, this very Zaynab was Muhammad's cousin, and had been offered to him in marriage before she married Zayd. He refused her then, but after she was divorced he accepted her for the two legislative purposes: the lawful marriage of divorcees and the real status of adopted children.
Why?
Because : such children are not your blood relations and have no obligations as a son or daughter has towards their natural parents as the parents have towards them, in the decree of Allah (swt)
58:2 If any men among you divorce their wives by Zihar (calling them mothers) they cannot be their mothers: none can be their mothers except those who gave them birth. And in fact they use words (both) iniquitous and false: but truly Allah is one that blots out (sins) and forgives (again and again).
Because ALSO GO THROUGH 8:75
And also Another verse from quraan 33:6
The Prophet is closer to the Believers than their own selves and his wives are their mothers. Blood-relations among each other have closer personal ties in the Decree of Allah than (the Brotherhood of) Believers and Muhajirs: nevertheless do ye what is just to your closest friends: such is the writing in the Decree (of Allah)
"You cannot break the laws of nature, you can only break yourself against them."
SO I WOULD REALLY SUGGEST THAT HE SHOULD GET MARRIED TO ANOTHER WOMEN that is the best way to get a child which you can call of your own ,as there is always a difference between an adopted and biological child. If things don't work out even by him. then u can go for adoption .Inshallah summa inshallah u taala things will work out .Ameen.
Jazakallah khairan
Mazedul,
Looking after an orphan child or someone else's child is a great thing to do. Our Rasool(sws) himself was an orphan and was raised by various relatives after his parents and Grandfather passed away. There are so many children without parents in this world, if they were not adopted, who would care for them? SubhaanAllah Brother. We are recommended to adopt children and I hope to do so too one day insha'Allah.
There are conditions to adopting though (NB: Islam adoption is different to non-Islamic adoption). Some of the conditions are: that child's lineage must not be hidden, he must retain his father's name and he will not have inheritance rights upon his adopted father.
The website you have pasted in your comment correctly states that the pre-Islamic type adoption is haraam - i.e. where people would take someone else's child as their own and give them their own name etc, this is not permitted.
This article may help you understand better:
The Prophet(sws) once said that a person who cares for an orphaned child will be in Paradise with him, and motioned to show that they would be as close as two fingers of a single hand. An orphan himself, Muhammad paid special attention to the care of children. He himself adopted a former slave and raised him with the same care as if he were his own son.
However, the Qur'an gives specific rules about the legal relationship between a child and his/her adoptive family. The child's biological family is never hidden; their ties to the child are never severed. The Qur'an specifically reminds adoptive parents that they are not the child's biological parents:
"...Nor has He made your adopted sons your (biological) sons. Such is (only) your (manner of) speech by your mouths. But Allah tells (you) the Truth, and He shows the (right) Way. Call them by (the names of) their fathers; that is juster in the sight of Allah. But if you know not their father's (names, call them) your brothers in faith, or your trustees. But there is no blame on you if you make a mistake therein. (What counts is) the intention of your hearts. And Allah is Oft-Returning, Most Merciful."
(Qur'an 33:4-5)
The guardian/child relationship has specific rules under Islamic law, which render the relationship a bit different than what is common adoption practice today. The Islamic term for what is commonly called adoption is kafala, which comes from a word that means "to feed." In essence, it describes more of a foster-parent relationship. Some of the rules in Islam surrounding this relationship:
- An adopted child retains his or her own biological family name (surname) and does not change his or her name to match that of the adoptive family.
- An adopted child inherits from his or her biological parents, not automatically from the adoptive parents.
- When the child is grown, members of the adoptive family are not considered blood relatives, and are therefore not muhrim to him or her. "Muhrim" refers to a specific legal relationship that regulates marriage and other aspects of life. Essentially, members of the adoptive family would be permissible as possible marriage partners, and rules of modesty exist between the grown child and adoptive family members of the opposite sex.
- If the child is provided with property/wealth from the biological family, adoptive parents are commanded to take care and not intermingle that property/wealth with their own. They serve merely as trustees.
These Islamic rules emphasize to the adoptive family that they are not taking the place of the biological family -- they are trustees and caretakers of someone else's child. Their role is very clearly defined, but nevertheless very valued and important.
It is also important to note that in Islam, the extended family network is vast and very strong. It is rare for a child to be completely orphaned, without a single family member to care for him or her. Islam places a great emphasis on the ties of kinship -- a completely abandoned child is practically unheard of. Islamic law would place an emphasis on locating a relative to care for the child, before allowing someone outside of the family, much less the community or country, to adopt and remove the child from his or her familial, cultural, and religious roots. This is especially important during times of war, famine, or economic crisis -- when families may be temporarily uprooted or divided.
Allah says in the Quran: "Did He not find you an orphan and give you shelter? And He found you wandering, and He gave you guidance. And He found you in need, and made you independent. Therefore, treat not the orphan with harshness, nor drive away a petitioner (unheard). But the bounty of the Lord - rehearse and proclaim!"
(Qur'an 93:6-11)
***
Insha'Allah this will help you understand that to adopt an orphan child is not haraam, infact it is halaal and recommended.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
Thank you for that expansive explanation, sister. I would also like to add that in the US, adoptions can be open or closed. An open adoption would easily fit all the Islamic provisions described above, and are often recommended unless the child's wellbeing is in question. Adoption often ensures a permanent situation for children in foster care, who are always at risk (at least here in the states) of being re-assigned due to various reasons. For that reason, a lot of couples foster parent first, and then perhaps adopt a foster child if they have made a special bond with them.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
"Allah says in the Quran: "Did He not find you an orphan and give you shelter?"
SubhanAllah. Right on. Caring for an orphan is the sunnah of Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Nabeel,
You have made a very big and baseless assumption against Br Wael accusing him of saying things which he clearly has not said or even nearly implied. And this is not the first time you have done so. How do you know that Brother Wael knows nothing about this topic? I find your tone and manner of speech extremely disrespectful and arrogant, you repeatedly make assumptions, continuously argue, try to force your opinion on others, stamp your opinions with halaal and haraam. And you ignored clear instructions not to publish your email address and invited a 14 year old sister to email you in private. Since you keep trying to argue your point on petty matters, what was so right about that? My patience is running out with you.
You have made your point more than enough times, so just let it be and move on, otherwise your comments will be deleted.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Nabeel - For the record, marrying a woman and treating her well is a sunnah - that is highly recommended. Marrying more than one is not recommended at all unless a man can do justice with more than one. And marrying more than one is a very big challenge for any man who takes it on.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
"Do not mix up two different things ,, and dont try hard to prove ur point by making it look as true."
Basically, don't do what you do.
"you are trying to say that prophets sunnah of marrying an another women is wrong?"
No one said that, or even suggested that. All that has been said is that it's NOT the ONLY option.
It's sad, no one on here is trying to rank things as one better over the other, except you and Mazedul. The poster seemed to be asking for options, and that's all we are trying to humbly provide. It's not up to us to tell them which option is better or worse, because honestly it's going to depend on their distinct family situioant which none of us know about. What might be a good option for them, might not be a good option for you, and vice versa. Please try to be a little more open minded.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Okay, hold on! Is someone testing me to see if I'm paying attention? That's me in that photo at the top, kissing my own daughter when she was a baby...
Mazedul, this is not the first time you've been harsh and rude with others on this site. I'm telling you one time, if you don't moderate your tone, you'll be banned here. It's okay to disagree, but it's not acceptable to tell someone who is answering in good faith that her answer is "disgusting". Even if someone makes a mistake, in Islam we correct them with kindness and wisdom.
Islam allows adoption and even encourages it. It is in fact a recommended deed to foster or adopt an orphan in Islam. There is a great reward for it, as has been mentioned in the Quran.
What Islam has done is to place certain conditions on adoption, including:
1. The adopted child should retain his own surname, rather than take the adoptive family's name.
2. The adopted child should be aware that he is adopted and should know his own lineage if possible.
3. If the biological family is known, the ties with them should be maintained.
4. The adopted child will not automatically inherit from the adoptive family; however they can designate up to 1/3 of their wealth to the adopted child if they choose.
5. Upon reaching maturity, the adopted child must be considered non-mahrem and appropriate conduct followed. However, if he was adopted as an infant and nursed by the adoptive mother, she would be his foster mother and therefore a mahrem.
It's dangerous to spread this creed of "adoption is haram." The Muslim world is full of millions of hungry orphans. There are very few deeds better than adopting one of these orphans and caring for him/her.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hmm, that was me ;O)
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Nabeel,
Whats with the 'caps'? Its suggests you are shouting and its also really annoying to the eye.
You've made your point based on your own understanding and other people have made their point. So now leave the author of this post to make her own decision.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I must've missed it. I didn't see anyone arguing with what you posted, brother Nabeel (at least not on this thread lol). I thought the arguments were against Mazedul's assertion that adoption was haram.
However, I don't see how whether a child is mahram or not has anything to do with whether or not they should be taken in and cared for when it's needed.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Brother Nabeel,
I have deleted your recent comments as they were offensive. Can I request you to be careful with your words and stop dis-respecting others and writing in Caps; If you want to highlight something you can bold it so that others can see it clearly. Secondly, their is not point leaving e-mails to contact questioner/poster whether they are 14 or 40 because we don't allow that here on this forum. Again, please be respectful to editors too.
Jazak Allah,
Muhammad1982,
IslamicAnswers.com
Why would you post something which you took from a biased apostate website and then reccommend people to go to it on top of that?
I implore the Editors to please remove the link that was provided concerning faithfreedom.org posted by Mazedul Shakil, as it is blasphemous to the Holy Prophet (saw). In fact it is a site constructed to attack his memory and status and that of Muslims, as well. I seriously question why someone would post such a site in the first place.