Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband never spends time with us

Husband is going astray

Please I need help with my marriage. I have a baby, he's 10 months old mashaAllah. The problem is that my husband doesn't spend time with us as much as he should.

We live in the same compound with his parents and he is very close with his dad. His dad is a very active old man but his relationship with his wife is not as strong as he and my husband. We can't even spend time at weekends because he goes out with dad 3 times leaving no space for us to be together, even during the workdays immediately my husband comes back from work he rushes his food and quickly run off to his dad.

I spoke to him about it but nothing has changed. He's not affectionate at all, he has a short temper that makes it difficult to discuss some issues with him.

I am honestly just done, am struggling to be happy everyday but am just not happy and bored all the time. He's never satisfied and nags more than women do.

I need some advice please but if he won't change I am thinking of divorce. I feel like am wasting my life with him. I just want to be happy and I want to be able to share my life with someone who cares for me and appreciates me in his life. Even on the first Iftar of Ramadan he didn't even eat with us he was with his father, he came in later and stayed for 30 mins with us then prayed and went back to his father. I was so hurt but I didn't say anything. I don't like to argue and fight that's my nature. I am always struggling just to get his attention, I feel like am unimportant to him. I love him but I rather be happy than in love and miserable. What do you think I should do please? I don't even want to have another baby with him because am not sure I want to spend my life with him anymore.


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12 Responses »

  1. Your husband is a good son for a father.but he is not spend time with you and your child.if he does not care about you and your child then you choice to do islam a husband has many rights for his wife and wife have too equal rights for her husband.a wife and husband relation is not just a sexual relation in is a natural love which come from least you face to face with your husband and ask to him what is he want?if he decide he give you divorce then do.but if he want you then you need to discuss about this problem with his father and mother and with your father and mother.divorce is permissible in islam but allah hate divorce.

  2. Salaam aleikum sis,

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Have you sat your husband down and explicitly told him how you feel about things? Chose a moment when he's not on his way out. Be clear on how this is making you feel. Tell him that you miss him and that you'd like to spend time with him, just the two of you and your baby. Don't mention divorce. Read about the rights of the husband and wife together and were you can rectify things. Make him feel included in your team and work together to find a solution together. You said you say nothing to avoid arguing. It's not about arguing but communicating how you feel and it is important you do this.

    What is the reason for him to leave you alone for such long periods of times. Is his father unwell? Is your husband not coping with being a new father himself? Perhaps you could ask for his help and let him look after the baby to appreciate the hard work you do all day and that let him realise that he needs to spend more time with both of you. Find solution and make dua that you are able to solve this together.

    When did things change? Has he always been like this or is this something new?

    You deserve to be treated kindly and with respect. He needs to make time for you and your baby. It can be difficult being a new mom and lack support. Who else do you spend time with?

    If you have tried speaking with him, and he does not seem to understand then suggest he goes to marriage counselling with you. If he still is not willing too then see if there is someone impartial that you can both approach for advice.

    Don't think of divorce at the first stages but think about solutions to bring you close together again and involve him.

  3. You need to try getting your husband to understand and tell him you feel lonely. And maybe you should talk to his father and say I don't feel happy because he isn't spending time with you. And his father should needs to understand and help his son see the way. And if all else fails then you should get some advice from your local imam and a last resort, last last last resort you may need to separate and find someone who appreciates your effort and time.

  4. Thank you all so much brother and sisters for ur good advice. I have spoken to him about how I feel he knows how I feel because am very open with my feelings as I am a very sensitive and emotional person. Sometimes I even hint to him that his son misses him I even tell him we miss him in a nice way with a smile on my face but he will just apologise n say I will come back earlier today and that's all and even when he's with us he's always on the fone chatting or making a phone call that takes very long duration.i only spend time with my son from morning till even thinkin of getting a job mayb if I start making money he will appreciate me more. I knew he was close with his dad before marriage I even talked to him about my concerns for how close he is with his dad he said he always with him because he's not married but wen we get married it will reduce which hasn't till today.i feel cheated because he has changed from before marriage he's not the same caring man I knew n I don't really kno wat happened somtyms I try to get him to talk and tell me if its somthing am doin he doesn't like but he will say there's nothing I even asked him if he still loves me and he says he still does so am just confused.wen I try to talk to him calmly he gets upset but he tells me he's fine and den he starts to ignore me. I just don't kno wat he wants from me.His dad is not Sick he's perfectly healthy n very active am not saying he should not see his dad but I feel Its too much n unfair to me n my baby. I feel like the love I have for him is diminishing day by day am praying to Allah at night n all day but I still keep feeling the negetive feelings.the more I complain and talk to him the more I feel he's getting disinterested. I can say my husband doesn't really kno me because he never makes the effort to ask questions about me,almost like he doesn't care to know. Even wen I try to initiate some conversations about me he starts to have attitude and we end up talking about him. He has been like this from beginning after marriage. I remember even on our first night he went to his father and came back around 11 at nyt. One thing that is bothering me more is how so unaffectionate he is and am a very romantic person so this is also affecting me n making feel unloved. We even sleep in seperAte rooms I told him from beginning its unislamic for couples to have seperAte rooms in the early marital times but he didn't listen I tell him to b prayerful not to allow shaitan come between us but he only does wat he wants to do. One time wen I was pregnant my little brother in the university in turkey came home for the break he wanted to come to my house from the airport n spend the night before Goin to my parent house in another town 2hours drive from were we live but my husband did not allow him I felt embarrassed n ashamed n very hurt till today it's still pains me wen I remember. He stayed with my aunty. And whenever my brothers or sisters want to come and spend weekend or to visit he start getting upset n putting me in a very awkward situation. Now all my siblings don't like to com to my house and stay long even for a day which is sad. They don't tell me how they feel but I kno by their expressions. I never Thot my life will be like this. Am so uncomfortable living with his family they are not very welcoming they differentiate a lot and I com from a very close nitt family with my brothers sister n parents I luv them so much and we are close with our cousins and aunts. But here at my in laws they don't like people no one comes to visit. I feel really sad and I feel I will never be able to fit into this type of living.he never approaches me in a romantic way. The only way I kno he wants to be sexual is wen he lays beside me n scratch my back. At first in the beginning I Thot he's shy cos he won't do anything until I approach him n am also shy n I want my man to approach me romantically but he didn't so I approach him n he won't really do any thin just to rub my back. Am sorry if am revealing too much but am just frustrated and confused in this marriage. Am clean I keep the house always clean people around giv me compliment and admire me n tell me am a good mother but I never get one nice word from my husband he only taunts me. I even spoke to an imam but without my husband because he will not agree to meet anybody. He said I should pray on it and tell my husband how I feel And still no progress. I just want to b happy. I will take all ur advice InShaAllah n I will work with it. Thank you very much.

    • Aoa,
      Sighhh I'm sorry for your pain and I truely understand because my husband has the same issue spending time with His family instead of building on his new one, no one asks them to leave their parents but why don't they see the woman waiting at home wanting to share their thoughts and plans for life and implementing them.

      I wont give a suggestion because I'm struggling with the same case I wish if you fond an answer or a solution you'd share it with me.

      Its easy for people to say be patient , patience is the toughest virtue to practice and a wife shouldn't be the only one practising it in the marriage! Its not fair !

      I wish Allah SWT makes it easy for you for your baby and may you find happiness in your life Ameen

      Prayers and hugs!

      • My dear sister May Allah find a befitting solution to our problem. I feel better knowing am not the only one Goin through this situation. I keep praying each day for Allah to show me the best solution or way out. May we find peace n happiness in our lives soon.

      • I too am going through the same thing been married for two and half yrs and have a 13 month old baby after the baby was born me and my husband have changed he is always nagging me and spends most his time on the phone due to his work and me and my son are just there his mum takes full advantage and his father as the mother treats me and my son badly and if I do a little fault they tell my husband so he shouts I feel so alone as my family don't live near also. I can't even tell my mother because the parents listen. I am only allowed to go down the street and back if I go out I feel so lonely. When my husbands ill the mother tries to make me go deal with my son and she tries taking care of my husband don't get me wrong thts his mother I don't have a project but I can see she wants me and my husband to move away. My in laws want us to split.

    • Hello dear. I am in the same situation as you. I cant believe wen i read ur message. My situation is so alike. In my case my husband refuses to hve a child now. And he does similae things, he doesnt spend time with me. Doesnt take me out. We wr even sleeping in seperate rooms for months. We had a love marriage and he ws a totally different person then. But post marriage its like im living with another person. I love him. I dont wish to divorce. But at the same time i am not happy with my situation. And i hve spoken to him alot over it. He doesnt change.

  5. May Allah Guide you!!!!!!


    Does he treats you well? Try to discuss in a best manner( I find that you are already doing) .Does he prays the obligatory prayer punctually?. If he does not then ask him to.
    You ask Allah during tahjud ,Be sincere in obligatory prayers . Pray Allah as you are in front of him.Pray as it is your last prayer. Trust Allah that your supplication will be answered by Allah.

    Ask your husband that you,him and ur kid will sit for 10 mins everday to read Riyadhus saliheen / Munthakabh Ahadith. I myself tried the above books.I find munthakab hadith with more hadith regarding virtue. Munthakab hadith by maulana Yusuf is compiled of authentic hadith regarding manners and virtues.When you sit together then it will make you and him realize where we stand towards Allah. There are so many beautiful hadith in that book.

    Do astaghfar. Fear Allah as we are supposed to.

    keep ur self away from music,movies .Haram brings only evil and leads to jahannam. Every good deed brings barakah and will take us closer to Allah .

    Have patience and try the above .If Allah wills he will open his heart.

    If it still doesnt work then talk to your parents .Tell them what you are going through. Discuss with any elders who are pious not just praying and haj but who is really religious in your family/ outside.

    Its not allowed to sleep in 2 rooms.You have your right to live your life.Dont take stress. Allah will make it easy. Your intention is good so please choose the right path so Allah will guide you.

    May Allah help you and give you happy and successful life in here and after.... Aameen

    • Ameen. Thank u for such a beautiful advice. He treats me ok somtimes but he's mostly always criticizing,nagging on little things around d house and very short tempered. Am confused with his behavior a lot. Because one minute he's smiling and the next minutes he's angry. I will take ur advise n continue prayer to Allah for his Devine intervention. I will buy the Hadith InShaAllah n I pray my husband can have time for us to read it together cos he never has time for us. Also he's not religious and doesn't pray on time always n that also scares me n I told him to try m change many times but still nothing has changed till now. Alhamdulillah.

  6. Asalaam sorry to hear about ur situation sister but ill be bluntly honest with you. Your the only one in this relationship. It doesnt matter what you do ur husband will never change. I know, I'm married to a man very sumilar to him and I myself am considering getting a divorce. You can put in all the effort you want to satisfy urself that u tried everything. But thats the point, ur only trying why isnt he making an effort? The marriage is both of yours so why are you only suffering n why isnt he changing towards you? U've told him hes making you unhappy.

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