my husband rejects the idea of joint bank accounts
I've been married for about a year and my husband has just now told me that he will not entertain the idea of having a joint bank account or even a joint credit card. He did not tell me this before we got married and before I agreed to stay home and care for the children.. Now we have a child together, but this new information puts things in a whole new perspective.
I do not accept the notion that I must refer all my purchasing decisions to my husband. in advance. or risk being stuck with a bill I cannot afford to. pay and my husband is unwilling to pay it.
I cannot justify being at the mercy of someone else's desire to give me money simply because he is my husband, especially when I am a professional and if I worked I could make enough money to spend on myself as I am accustomed to spending without having to turn to my husband for money. When I said I would stay home, this is not what I bargained for.. I would. never. make big purchasing decisions without consulting with him, but I expect some measure of financial autonomy within a fixed budget for most of my day to day expenses.
Also, I expect to be consulted as to how much of "his" money we should save and how much we should spend. He may be earning it, but if he expects me. to stay home to support him and the children, then I should at least have a say in how to spend what I could have earned if I were working, even if he keeps control over. the difference of my earning potential and his.
After all, even husbands and wives quarrel and when he quarrels with me, he will be inclined to reduce my budget and/or not pay my bills. Then what do I do? And what happens after a lifetime of sacrifice and toil caring for. him and for our. children? What if I am discarded in my old age and my husband has a jumbo retirement fund that he saved while we were married that. I must take him to court to share in? This seems to me ridiculous and unfair.
I'm not interesting in wasting my life and then regretting it afterwards.
I don't want to make money an issue - especially when there is enough for us to live comfortably. But, I am seriously questioning our marriage when he trusts me so little that he will not even give me access to any of his earnings. Meanwhile, he. expects me to sacrifice mine.
This isn't the only issue in our marriage, but it needs to be resolved before I can tackle the rest.
Am I expecting too much? How can I resolve this tension between us without letting it destroy our marriage?
- tryinghard
Related
Tagged as: financial decisions, financial independence, joint bank account, money, paying bills
Asalam alaykum sister,
You need to consult an elderly person (within his family, friend or a religious leader) that can easily talk to him with wisdom.
He will change for better (insha ALLAH).
ALLAH knows best.
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Technically, your husband is within his rights. In Islam, men are completely obligated to provide financially for their families:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because of what Allah has preferred one with over the other and because of what they spend to support them from their wealth.” [Sûrah an-Nisâ’: 34]
So he is actually completely fulfilling his obligation to you as a Muslim husband by bringing in the income while you are dedicated to taking care of the home, which you say you agreed to do.
That being said, I, as an educated, worked-all-my-life, dynamic American Muslimah, absolutely understand the powerlessness you feel at not having control of your economic life. You have gone from being an independent woman capable of paying rent, feeding and clothing yourself, and seeing to your other needs, to be in a dependent state. It can make you feel like a child waiting for her weekly allowance from Mom and Dad. It is incredibly difficult to give up this control. If you have issues of trust in the marriage, this makes things worse.
Of course, this is something that should have been discussed before marriage, but now you are married and have a child together. I think you must sit down and look at the situation objectively. Are you more stressed at the PERCEIVED loss of control? In other words, is he acting in a fair manner towards you, giving you sufficient money to buy food and household items, but you just feel angry that you have to ask or that you can't simply take what you want? Is he dealing wisely with money? Did he buy a new refrigerator without asking your opinion and you are angry, not with the fridge, which works and replaces an old broken one, but with the fact that he did not consult you? You are obviously looking at the issue with far different eyes than he is. He sees that he makes the money, so he makes the decisions. He does not feel the need to consult with you because, after all, he is perfectly capable of buying a refrigerator, or a house, or a car....
From the tone of your e-mail I feel that there are bigger issues than money in your marriage. The money thing simply symbolizes your lack of control and your lack of trust. Why would you think that he would "discard" you in your old age? Has something in his behavior showed that you cannot trust him, or are you allowing Shaitan to play on your fears? You have to look at yourself before you look at him. Does he treat you like a child all the time? Is he condescending towards you? Does he belittle you and think you are only around for food, sex, and making babies? Or does he treat you in an honorable manner, talk about the news with you, enjoy your little one, joke with you, and show affection towards you? It may be that the financial aspect of his behavior is the one area you are going nuts about because it is the one area in which you fear loss of control, so you are allowing this one aspect to overwhelm all the positive parts of your marriage.
You should sit down and write down all the positive aspects of your husband. What attracted you to him in the first place? Is he a good provider? Does he pay the bills? Does he have a good job that is permissible in Islam? Does he love his child? Does he honor his parents? Also, is he religiously committed. He and you must be praying the five daily prayers, and he must pray the Friday prayer in the mosque. You must fast in Ramadan and he must pay zakah on his earnings. If he is doing what he needs to do to please Allah and provide for you, then I think the issue is one of control, and you must ask Allah to put love and trust for your husband in your heart, and let go of this fear of financial control that you have.
You have a lot of thinking to do. It is not easy to give up control where money is concerned, but if you really work on detaching yourself emotionally from this issue, you will be a much calmer person. You married him willingly; if you don't trust him now, if you feel he will take the money and run, why did you marry him in the first place? If he has given you no reason to distrust him, then he is fully within the bounds of Islam in controlling the money and you must ask Allah to give you patience and serenity, and let your husband do his duty. And Allah knows best.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
As Salaam-u-Aleikum, Sister “tryinghard”! Sister Noorah’s observations and opinion is “right on” but, unfortunately, you as well as several amongst us are faced with situations that are a part of the bigger problem with Islamic marriages (and divorces). I wish to address this important issue somewhat so the “powers that be” may incorporate and implement strategic protections that, in the marriage contract, reflect fair play, equitable reciprocity, contain decretal language and enforceable mechanisms that prompt compliance:
Many Muslims, whether imams of mosques, Qazis performing marriage ceremonies, or professors of religion, are not sufficiently familiar with Islamic law; nor have they a decent understanding of the “contractual” significance of Nikkah. This ignorance, of one’s marital rights and responsibilities, is a fundamental contributor in the escalation of marital strife and the rate of divorces amongst Muslims particularly in the US and the “West”.
A common admission is, “If I had only known of this beforehand …”, or “But the Quran/Hadith says such and such on the rights of women, but my marriage situation is just the opposite …”, etc. as husbands ignorant of divinely decreed wife’s rights (or indifferent to them), have available unmonitored recourses to exert even tyrannical influence on those in their care to affect obedience.
Islam and Islamic practice is not intended to be this way. There are numerous passages in the Holy Quraan as well as Hadith that command fair play intrinsic and extrinsic to marriage. But who’s going to enforce conditions when the “Lord and Master” of the house is an autocratic tyrant (or the wife is a shrew set upon mind games and control)? Especially since conditions, expectations, etc., are not formalized in writing?
Before getting a Drivers License, one is required to be cognizant of the Rules of The Road so they may conform to required behavior in traffic, e.g., courteous driving, Right Of Way, defensive moves, etc. as well as enforceable, punitive consequences for infractions. More importantly, so is a prior understanding of rights, roles and expectations for those making a formal commitment to a lifelong sanctified relationship that determines the integrity of the family as a social unit.
So, specifically, what conditions does the Islamic Marriage Contract list in writing aside from the obvious, viz. that is pursuant to Islamic Law? It lists the names of the couples, the two witnesses, and amount of Meher. That’s, pretty much, it! I have never seen an Islamic Marriage document that lists specific conditions previously agreed upon that formalizes the wife’s demands which, if not catered to within a certain time period, would terminate the contract and impose some clearly specified compensation be paid to the wife if the husband was is in violation (other than an implied, general reference to “Islamic Law”, the Quraan and Sunnah).
There are (Islamic) Jurisdictional distinctions that establish, in the marriage contract, the woman’s demands formally, in writing, as conditions contingent to her agreeing to enter into an essentially sexual relationship with her prospective husband (the Arabic equivalent of “Nikah” is SEX), for instance retaining for herself, the right to divorce her husband. It's called "keeping the ’ismah in her hand." She may list a host of other (negotiable) conditions, e.g., he shall not marry another during the validity of this marriage, he shall not leave the country unless his wife and child(ren) accompany him, he shall not allow his parents or any relatives to live with them, he shall gift a furnished house (or car or whatever) exclusively to his wife (or whomsoever) before consummation of marriage, he shall be financially responsible for supporting his household …. Etc., etc., and the Meher shall be such and such payable by a certain date.
It should be the duty of every official authorized to perform marriages, to inform all of these rights that would anoint Islamic marriages with the true color of a legally recognized and enforceable contract. The situation becomes even more ridiculous when the knowledge base of officials sanctifying Islamic marriage contracts is a tad below ZERO! A Family Court in Virginia deliberating on whether Meher should be equated to a prenuptial agreement relied on the “Expert Testimony” of an Imaam who stated erroneously that Meher is “Bride Price”. Duh! The Judge stated correctly that slavery has been abolished for quite some time and booted the case (and hopefully also the Expert Witness) out of court!
Foreign (US/”West”ern courts) may consider enforcing Mehr as a prenuptial agreement but face opposition since all civilized jurisdictions prohibit any marital agreement entered into involuntarily or without proper legal advice. It is a common law principle, that agreements made out of duress or undue influence are voidable. Because Muslim women typically marry at a young age, lack formal education, and are ignorant of legal consequences of their actions, US case law recognizes that duress and cultural pressures are involved in the formation of Islamic marriage contracts. (And WE know ignorance also plays a stellar role)!
It is not my intent to present a detailed dissertation of one’s marital rights, responsibilities and methods of compliance. I’d be hogging bandwidth! Suffice it to say that it is CRITICAL that officials authorized to perform Islamic marriages be required to undergo training on pre and post marital rights and responsibilities as a prerequisite to earning their License. That they be required to produce documentation to show that these facts have been explained to the couple and the major players. The marriage documents should be rewritten in a legal format that would clearly be recognized as a contract. This would go a long way in ensuring that all concerned enter into matrimony “with both (starry?) eyes wide open”.
salaam
we r in a similar boat. after almost 7 yrs of marriage n 3 children i supported my husband hru grad school. even getting food stamps so we would have money to eat, and taking school loans to buy clothes for our childresn. now that he finally has a job, he doesnt want me involved in the financial planning of 'his' money at all. i consider it a huge slap in the face. n a reality chk. it is 'his' money..the chk is in his name ot mine. n if he decides not to include me, is so easy fo him to do. now im hinking i need a job and a start on my own 2 feet in case of anythin. im so heart abou all of this. such an insult.bu hes righ, its 'his' money...what a way to get a reality check
Dear sister, I thnk the issue lies on him not trusting you. It's true that usually men deal with financial issues but still. Ask him do u not trust me? Do u thnk I will run away with the money? Do u thnk I will spend all the money on myself and forget I have family to bring up. Do u really thnk i will waste ur hard earn money? If he says yes or doesn't answer u, just tell him, put child in day care, because am goin to find myself a job. Inshallah it doesn't go tat far.