Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband Resents me

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Asalamu Alaikum

I have been married for 11 years. My husband is from a different culture/country. We Always had minor problems especially about his control issues but it was a love marriage and I was determined to make it work, I loved him very much and for a long time he loved me.

He always had trouble being responsible but while I lived with him in his rental apartment after marriage he told me he will pay all utilities and rent etc. I worked full time and spent my earnings on the home, food, cleaning necessities etc and was also saving for a down payment on a home for us. I was unaware he was not paying the bills. I started to receive mail from debtors and collection agents about his debts as well as judgements and court orders about his debts. It occurred to me his credit was destroyed, he was tens of thousands in debt. I confronted him about this and he tried to lie and say it was someone else, not him. But I remember him spending excessively on home entertainment systems and such. We maintained separate checking accounts and I naively assumed he was paying his credit cards, but he was actually maxing them out with no intention to pay. He also would get parking tickets every week. Thousands of dollars a year in parking tickets which i hurriedly worked to pay off because he would not and I was afraid he would be arrested. He would talk about fixing his credit but never made any attempt. I would ask about it and tell him these things were haraam and it was unislamic, and he would fly into a rage. I avoided thinking about it by working harder and I always out earned him.

Every promotion, every achievement, even when I had earned enough money to pay for our house was met with resentment. He told me he fell in love and married me because I was a strong independent Muslim American not like the girls in his country. But everything he "loved" about me supposedly he grew to hate in me. My accomplishments he disparaged. He criticized my cooking and pushed me hard away from the stove. He said I was unfit to cook for his family when they visited. He said I was retarded and slow. He cursed my family and myself and my lineage and told me I was cursed by Allah.

My husband was raised in a Muslim country but never fasted at Ramadan no matter what. Maybe one day in 11 years of marriage.

We moved into our home and within a few months the electric company came to shut our lights. I quickly wrote a check for $1100.00 which I had been saving for furniture.

I had furnished his apartment we lived in as well as our new home and he said it was my duty because in his culture the woman brought the furniture. Long story short he kept deliberately not paying bills, not buying groceries, not ever having money to buy me even a small gift. When he wanted to go to his native Pakistan it was I who worked overtime to pay for his round trip ticket and presents for him to give his family members. I don't remember my husband ever saying thank you in 11 years of marriage-not once, but ok. I endured it. I didn't think about it. I praised Allah for what we had and for him as well. I felt deep down he was a good man. These were minor things, I thought. The verbal abuse which became more frequent was a minor thing I thought. I thought perhaps he witnessed this behavior in his own upbringing. I made dua for him to see his ways and get better with Allah's will. Never happened. The insults against my family-who lavish him with gifts and love him like a son-grew worse. His verbal abuse and beratement to me grew worse. He called me whore and stupid and the b word and anything you can imagine if I walked on the floor with my shoes on while getting ready for work because it made noise. When I asked him if he needed help paying the bills he would curse me. If he found out I got a promotion he would make fun of me and my "stupid" job. I found myself paying all the bills, managing the household, thriving at my job, renting out property to qualified tenants and fulfilling my husbands every need all while being cursed.

After 8 years of marriage Allah blessed us with a son. My pregnancy was good Alhamdulilah and I worked straight through until delivery. I never focused on the verbal abuse because I would choose to distract myself with my work. When I had my son I asked my husband if I could stay home to raise him. My husband agreed this was the best choice because childcare was expensive. Long story short we nearly lost our home. I was in tears when after 3 months I was forced to go back to work in order to catch up with the bills. When my son was 1 I attempted to stay home again but my husband had become a maniac. Not only was he cursing me but he was cursing me in front of my baby who was terrified, crying etc. he called me and my family trash, told me I paid nothing, lied to my face when we both know I carried him this whole  marriage and now that I needed him he was acting like he hated me. I went back to work again. I finally left again in January to be with my child at home again. My son was 2. Childcare is so expensive also and he works but I've no idea where his money goes. He is still behind. The electric company is sending notices except this time I have no money. I have been home for 7 months. I'm cursed, talked down to, my husband refuses to eat what I cook, he hasn't slept in my bed for 3 years. He has taught my son to curse and disrespect me.

I want khula but he laughs and says he will destroy my life first. I am depressed and I have some health problems now which I believe are from a broken heart. He will not give me khula. I am afraid to start over again after so many years alone and do not want to leave my child in the care of a stranger. I don't want to lose our home I worked so hard for. Most of all I don't want to be in misery anymore and don't want my son to see this abuse anymore. My parents never spoke to each other this way.. I pray but can not understand why he resents me so why won't he give me a divorce? He says he will take my son from me. Please give me advice I have no one I can talk to and while my family lends emotional support they will not give financial support. I want to be happy again and I want my son to love me. My husband tells him I am a bad mom all the time and I am no good. Salaam

Unsure

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7 Responses »

  1. Aa,

    My advice to you, is leave and don't look back. You have a massive life ahead of you. He is sick and does not deserve you. Allah SWT does not say you have to put up with that. There are good men out there. Havr faith, Allah SWT will guide you. Protect yourself and your son. Be strong and remain patient..but LEAVE NOW..don't waste another second of your life. My duas are with you.

  2. Assalaamualaykum Unsure,

    I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through in the hands of your husband. It is absolutely false that women have to earn for the couple, bring furniture to the marriage, not be given permission to divorce etc. These are just things he has fed you to keep control of you, as you yourself specified early on in your post.

    With his control issues, reckless spending, reliance on you for keeping up house, etc, it seems as though there is some kind of psychological disturbance present. His behavior could be intentional or unintentional, but the bottom line is that it is hurting you, the marriage, and the child.

    Since you have a job and earn, I think it would be best for you to move to your own place with your child and file for divorce. You do not need his permission to seek divorce. Your child will be more hurt watching and hearing all of the abuse than living with a single parent. There are many successful single parents and I believe you have it in you to be one of them. Further down the road, you may find a much more suitable match for yourself.

    Inshallah things will get better for you. This pain will not last forever but you have a decision to make to get yourself in a better position.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  3. Asalaamu alaikum dear sister,

    Once you leave this man behind, and you may have to go to a women's refuge to do so, you will wonder how on earth you ever put up with his toxicity for so long. I will tell you how you put up with him; because you have a good nature, because you thought your hard work and loving investment would be acknowledged one day, because your self confidence took a beating, because you wanted a stable and happy family life. Sister you can have a great future with your beautiful son but you need to leave him AND PROTECT YOURSELF in the process. He sounds like a vindictive person who will come looking for you. I am not in the US so I don't know how it works there, but save yourself and your child first. Then look at ways of getting a occupation order against him. Then legally try to free yourself from his debts so you don't foot his bills. Be SMART sister, be BRAVE. YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE. HE WILL NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR WORTH. ALLAH chose you to be His slave and He honoured you with Islam. Leave this parasite and be the mother and the Muslimah that you always wanted to be.

    Love Maryam

  4. Reading your post has made me really furious. Furious at your husband and furious at YOU. I know your intentions are good, Sister, but you seem so darn passive and timid in regards to your husband and your marriage. You seem to feel so sorry for yourself, and you seem to almost take pride in

    1) the time you have wasted on a husband that hasn't been invested in your marriage
    2) his abuse of you, and how well you've adapted to it
    3) being taken advantage of
    4) being the husband of the family
    5) enabling your husband's overspending and irresponsibilities

    I know you told us all of this to let us know what a good wife you are, and how invested you are in your husband and marriage, but I'm sitting here thinking (and I mean absolutely no offense to you, because I totally understand your intentions), "what an idiot of a woman". Sister, it's really not a positive thing that you have tolerated and enabled your husband's appalling and even haram behaviour for years, if not a decade. Even now you're passively waiting for him to make the changes ("he won't give me a divorce") - and guess what? It's not going to happen. This lazy man is not going to give you a divorce in a million years. If you want a divorce, YOU have to make it happens. Please don't take his threats seriously. Realistically speaking, what is he actually capable of doing to you? He's in debt, has no money and you have the law on your side in regards to your child. You really think anyone with an ounce of sanity will give custody of your child to another (man)-child like your husband? Courts will look at who's the most stable one of you. Clearly, it's not your husband. So don't be scared, he's just a little tooth-less dog that barks. Yes, he makes some loud noises, but they are harmless in the end of the day.

    I understand being "determined to make things work", but, surely, you reach a point (much earlier than you have) when you just realize that a one-sided marriage doesn't work. Stop waiting for him to change your life for you, it's something you have to do, yourself.

  5. Dear sis:) You seem like a very striving hard working lady and you don;t deserve it:) I had a husband as well who treated me like dirt, I was married with him for a year but he was using me only to live in the UNITED STATES of America since I was an American Citizen born Pakistan girl.His family was rude to me since i didnt have a degree but I am working hard for achieving it even at the age of 25-26. I am glad i didnt have any children with him and that he filed me a divorce after 4-5 months of our missed interriew of our greencard which we never showed up due to his abusive behaviors toward me . If you feel free to talk to me , YOU CAN . I WILL LISTEN TO YOU AND SUPPORT YOU LIKE a sister:) I am myself am a lonley girl who needs someone to listen:) YOU ARE STRONG. I request you to bend down on a janamaz and pray to ALLAH with painful tears to express your creator how much you need him with you. ALLAH tests those who he loves the most. 🙂 You seem like a lady who is was trying everything to keep her marriage:). I was also in love with the guy who I was married to ( arranged marriage) , he had everything that a girl dies for . I was never after his money of course , a girl wants her husband to support her financially so they can feel one and loved for.
    best of luck and plz try every way to get rid of this nasty man

  6. Your husband is a parasite who is draining you and your child financially and emotionally. He is a weight you cant carry around if you want a normal life for yourself and your child.
    He cannot take your child away from you through court. But he can trick and take him back to his country.
    Make sure you have your child's passport locked away. Give it to your parents. Psychos like your husband can stoop to any level.

  7. You have some choices. 1 standup for yourself and don’t ever let anyone to push you over. 2 you need to let him know that you are the boss and you make the rules since he is not doing his job by being a good husband/father and finically supporting you. 3 give him an ultimatum and stand firm on your decision. 4 leave him for a while and separate so he can struggle a bit without you in order to realize what value and impact you have on his life. 5 you can take your kid and based on these issue you can seek Khula and it will be granted. If you do move make sure you don’t tell anyone about where you are moving to because people talk and he will find you. The last thing you want to do on earth is to be depressed, feel sad, Have low self esteem. I know it’s easy said than done but trust me once you stand up to all this and hide your fears you can do it.

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