Islamic marriage advice and family advice

my husband stopped loving me and now wants a divorce

obsessed love

asalamu alaikum,

I am in such desperate need for some kind of help and advice on my marriage as i’ve tried every avenue, every option & every possible path to fix it. I have been married for almost 5 years, me and my husband had a love marriage despite my family not accepting. he came to my father three times to ask for my hand and all three times he was rejected bcus we were both only 18 at the time. we had only known eachother for 6 months & we wanted to make the love betwen us halal & neither of us wanted a haram relationship or to commit zina.. my fathers reasons for not letting us marry was bcus we were too young & my older siblings werent marriednyet. after months of trying to persuade them we wanted to do right by Allah & just make it halal they still refused..I read my ishtikara and vowed if it was negative i would let him go and listen to my parents but i had a postivie sign and a dream so i chose to marry him & my parents kicked me out of their lives for 2 years.

im those two years we were both happy and despite having our ups and downs we still remained strong alhamdulilah. I gave birth to a baby boy and my family still didnt care.. eventually when he turned 6 months they came around and we made amends. its been 5 years now and they absolputely love my husband & think the world of him.

 

throughout the years weve really been struggling financially, and his parents have always pulled us through and bailed us out of problems, however things got really tough and last month me and my husband had to move out of our rentd home and move back in with his family. everything was going okay and normal, but one day he woke up and decided to start staying away from me. he did this for 2 weeks and i just felt so confused, i honestly thought he was hving an affair. he was hurting me so much, i cried every night whilst he lay beside me and he did nothing. i kept asking him what i did wrong and he said nothing. he stopped speaking to me, spending time with me & just instantly changed from a loving and caring husband to a heartless, emotionless robot.

 

one day out of nowhere he came out with “i just dont love u anymore, theres no feelings there & i want a divorce” i was so shocked. he never ever spoke to me about this before or if hes been feeling like that for a while. we have a child together and im pregnant again after many many years of trying so hard. this was meant to be the happiest time for the both of us, instead it’s the worst and the hardest.

 

 

in the space of two weeks my life has changed, he is so ready to move on with his life without me, he only wants a relationship with our child. he doesnt want anything to do with me & i still cant understand it. he told me he loved me just a week before he came out with the divorce thing. hes moved back in with his mom and he kicked me out the house leaving me no choice but to go back to my parents with my pregnant self and my son.

 

despite all of this i still let him see our son and always treat him with kindness, love & respect. I always check up on him & make sure he knows he can talk to me and rely on me. i pray every single salah and do tahujjud every night without miss. its been two months now & he seems like hes made up his mind about me. We’re over but it still leaves me confused, we still sleep together occasionally, we still stay up and talk and sometimes flirt, he calls and texts me almost everyday & admits he misses my company etc. but still persists he doesnt want to be married anymore.

 

i feel as though bcus we both got married so young hes tryna get that old part of his life back. hes started hanging around with the wrong crowd, smoking weed & staying out til stupid o clock. i just dont know what to do about this anymore. I have tried to explain to him this isnshaytaan working on us, i have tried to get him to pray with me, his family has tried talking to him & evem my family have tried. he just wont change his mind about a divorce. he doesn’t treat me badly at all. we still have a very good understanding and some level of respect for eachother BUT how he wants a divorce over such a small thing is beyong belief! he hasn’t even given me a chance or tried to patch things up! he says theres no point and he cant fake it. i suggested we go out alone, pray together or gonaway together alone he refuses everything.

im so deeply and truly in love with this man even after all these years, i cant and wont be able to give him up like he did with me. i pray and pray but im so exhausted. im tired of crying myself to sleep, constantly over thinking, and hurting. im 3months pregnant and im so lonely and depressed. i have my son to look after but i feel like theres no one here to look after me. he used to be my everything and we did everything and anything for eachother. we fought so hard to make it halal and in an instant he wants to throw it all away. my parents are so supportive but i need my husband. hes all that i know and i want him back so much. i dnt know what else to do anymore.

 

hes been depressed for so long over financial worries and never dealt with it. he doesnt pray and if I mention Allah he turns the other way or laughs it off. he used to be so committed and on his deen, he never missed a prayer, sat in the mosque for hours & did ithikaaf every ramadhan & performed umrah out of his own will. i dont know how a person like that has changed into the kind of person he is now. everyone that knows him knows him of good character and soft and gentle. but hes become so materialistic and careless its hurtful for me to watch him like this.

 

as im still married i do my part and i try my hardest to be a good loving supportive and obedient wife but he no longer acts or acknowledges himself as my husband anymore. I literally have tried everything i know. please help me.

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

13 Responses »

  1. Assalamulakim sister, drugs have an effect on the mind. Weed kills brain cells and stops the person from being able to make sound judgements. Meaning its hard for them to make a right decision. People mix weed with other drugs so you do not know what is actually in the weed. Do not beat up yourself. We have to make our own decisions. You did nor make him choose that. Remember what the Quran speaks about one who severs ties of kinship. He may be wanting a divorce without a reason. Divorces are not a game. But Allah will judge. People play with the word Divorce but Allah takes their words very seriously. Keep praying and making Dua. Ask Allah to give you whats right for you in this life and in the next. This simular situation occured to me but i have three babies by the man. But now Allah has blessed me with a more handsome younger and loving Muslim man. I do not totally remember the hurt now.

  2. I'm happy you got this one husband . I'm so so glad.

  3. Your husband is very unreasonable when it comes to love. Does he understand that love has an expiring date and isn't something that lasts forever like in fairy tales where everything is all lovely. Love is more like a car which requires re fueling now and then. Sometimes we need to remind each other that our other half is special and we do this by doing romantic things such as going out for dinner, take vacation something along those lines.

    Your husband sounds like a very confused man who is clearly getting influenced from outsiders. If he wants to get a divorce, then give him nothing; no intercourse, no chats and only the door. Why sleep with a man who doesn't care about you. But as he is confused, I think the best solution for this problem is to have a break apart. for couple of weeks or months.

  4. Dear Sister. Struggle with it, but let this man go. He "kicked you out of the house" is what I base my opinion on. In marriage, couples go through serious difficulties. But those with good Iman make the effort to stay together to try resolve the problems they have And no decent man would kick his wife "out of the house", especially if she is pregnant. His haraam behavior is another reason why I would be happy if this loser told me he did not want me. It would be a favor. Get a good lawyer and do not hesitate being honest about your husband's bad behavior or wanting every dime for child support you are entitled to. Ask Allah to give you and your children His protection and bounty and struggle with your emotions to move on. A man who behaves this way does not deserve your love.

  5. Salam sis

    This is my advice but I could be wrong.

    He is going through a phase in his life where he believes he would have achieved more in life if he didnt focus on the marriage. I believe you need to let him have time for himself to see how chasing dunya wont give him happiness. He went from one extreme to another extreme. He has to come to the middle but he seems to be not mature enough to realise it. He wants to be in a state where he can feel he can take care of his own family. To a man finance is very important and as you grow older you dont want the help of others because ur ego grows and u want to be a man. He might be angry at himself for failing to be financially well or he is blaming you indirectly. He loves u but to him at this stage of life money is very important. Dont mention money to him at all and dont tell him what to do. If he dreams to have this amount of money, or this car then just support him. His mindset has changed from deen to dunya but he can come to the middle. He is laughing when u mention deen cuz he is sort of blaming deen for not giving him what others have. But Let him miss you instead of u running after him. The more u chase him the more u feed his ego and he might feel he can get someone better. Focus on your own life and tell him that he can live his life too but divorce is not needed. He has no reasons to divorce all he needs is time for himself to wake up. Dont bother him alot and dont let him have any reasons for a divorce. Focus on your deen, on your child, your health (go to a muslim gym) and if you get some free time do something part time to earn something. He is in a angry state where he seems to blame everyone for his dunya failures. Dont worry just focus on yourself and tell him to focus on his life as long as he wants. If u chase him he will see how weak u r and this gives him a ego boost nd he might think if he gets the success he might be able to get a better women. I wish you all the best, i hope this help.

    JazakAllahu Khayran

    • Masha Allah brother. You have given the exact help what is needed and your wisdom is commendable. You have figured out the exact nature of her husband and what he is thinking. I want to tell you that my situation is very similar to her but the difference is that, my husband moved on to extreme deen and left dunya completely. He has gotten into deen so much extremely that there is no middle ground now. Extreme of anything is bad. Pls pray for me too.

  6. Dear sister,
    Do not let come to you just for sex... that is not acceptable. you might say, but he is still my husband..well..remember he left you and told you he does not want to be married anymore..so what are you now? his sex doll who is available when he wants?? stand up for yourself and if you want to wait for him pray and make things clear for him that you are not a doll that he can ditch when he is tired.

  7. When I read your post, I stumbled upon the word "me" a lot. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me - it's all about YOU, isn't it? You even paint this villain picture of your husband while you paint a picture of a saint of yourself:

    Despite all of this i still let him see our son

    What on Earth are you talking about, woman? It's this man's fatherly RIGHT to see his son, regardless of how he feels about you, or how his relationship with you is. he doesn't need permission from YOU to see his own kid! You are not some kind of saint because you "let" your husband see his own child...it's not up to you to decide if your husband can or cannot see his son, unless there's a very good reason to keep him away (like if your husband is dangerous). He has just as much right to your son as you do!

    So, are you really a saint, or do you have something to do with the demise of your marriage just as much as your husband does? I just don't buy it that your husband suddenly woke up one morning and decided he doesn't want to be with you anymore - that's not how things work. For most people, it's a long process to reach the decision of divorce. But if you are as wrapped up in yourself as you seem to be, you obviously wouldn't notice the signs that your marriage isn't working for your husband. So it would come as a surprise to you that he wants out.

    I feel as though bcus we both got married so young
    Yes, that's a big reason why a lot of marriage don't work out: Because people get married too young. There are so many issues related to that.

    1) When you are young, you want very different things compared to when you are more mature. So the kind of spouse you wanted at 18 is often not the kind of spouse you want at 28...people divorce so they can find a better match for themselves. This is one of the main reasons why I would never advocate getting married early...too many divorce risks involved with puppy love.

    2) It's hard to start a marriage and a family on unstable foundations, like you and your husband have. Most young people have not finished their education, had a chance to develop their career and earn a good salary to support a family lifestyle with. The financial stress a lot of people that marry young face definitely ruin marriages. It certainly has in your case. Maybe your husband is just fed up with his financial problems and feels like it's his time to get out of his financial rut...not having to take care of a wife may give him a feeling of...relief.

    I'm not sure what it is you want us to help you with - you don't say what exactly you want advice about. So...you just want us to give you pity to fuel your self absorption, or what? We can't tell you why your husband wants to divorce you, that's a blunt conversation you must have with your husband. Whatever he says he reasons are, you can't do anything else but assume those are indeed his genuine reasons for not wanting to be with you. Don't fight his wishes...because there's nothing less attractive than a woman or man that begs. Just ask him if he really believes there's nothing you can do to safe your marriage, and if he flat out says no...take your time to grieve the loss of your marriage. And do whatever you can do to support this man in being part of your children's life. He clearly wants to be involved with them, which is great. You should definitely encourage his involvement and do what you can to facilitate your kids' relationship with their father,

    We live in 2018, you are not doomed just because you are divorced. You will surely be able to move on and, when you are ready, you can always be open towards the possibility to re-marry someone who's better suited for you.

    • First of all, I don't know whether you are a man or woman, in case you are a man, I can be sure that you are the most heartless one, and in case you are a woman then curse be on women like you who mocks others down while they are in pain. May the same situation happen with you and then the world will see what a loudmouth person as you have to say... Never seen a person more arrogant and heartless like you! Feel ashamed of yourself from now on, bcoz u are not even fit to be compared to animals (even they are more humble and humane than you)
      Secondly, she didn't asked for your opinion whether she should let her son meet his father or not, she is the mother and sole owner of her son so you don't need to command her that is her husband's right to meet the son. If rights are to be claimed here, then it's also the wife's right first to get a loving caring supporting husband, wife comes even before than the child. The child came out from the wife, he couldn't give birth to the child on his own, so its always the mother who will have the first right on the child, than father. It seems you are from other religion that's why you don't know the hadith and rulings of islam about early marriage to stay away from haram, so its better for you to keep your opinions within your head, here she wants islamic help in the light of hadith and quran and not someones personal opinion.
      If she is letting that kind of irresponsible man to still meet the kid, its her generosity,,, she can easily deny him as to when he is not capable of looking after her then why do he need to see the son whenever he wish to? World doesn't roam around according to this impulsive selfish careless man's wishes, that whenever he wished he married her, whenever he wished he made babies with her and now according to his wish he wants a divorce. You will only understand this female pain when similar will happen to you, and Allah knows well how to punish whom.

  8. ((Yes, that's a big reason why a lot of marriage don't work out: Because people get married too young.))

    This is blanket statement and you can't generalize it .
    Even people who got married after 30+ age too have marriage issues and lot of them have gone for divorces .

    Among U.S. adults ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has roughly doubled since the 1990s.
    As per this report maximum divorce have happened for adult 50+ age group.

    http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/03/09/led-by-baby-boomers-divorce-rates-climb-for-americas-50-population/

    • It's not a blank statement at all. Do a simple Google search, and you will find statistics - actual facts and numbers - that support my claim that people that marry young are of higher risk to getting divorced.

      • Also, your article doesn't really work in your favour at all. It just gives an insight to which generation gets divorced the most - but it says nothing about at what age the people that get divorced the most married. But when you think about it, baby boomers did get married much earlier than people get married today...so it makes sense that baby boomers are the ones that get divorced the most :).

        So basically, your article is proving MY point, not your's, lol.

Leave a Response