Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband tells me I am not good enough, should I leave?

verbal abuse, psychological abuse

I am a 24-year-old married girl. It was an arranged marriage. And it seems he was forced to marry me by his mom though he doesn’t have any love affair as such.My husband repeatedly says he regrets this marriage and colours of his life has vanished?

He had many concepts about his future wife and according to that I am the worst match for his criteria. He wanted a beautiful and talented wife and I have a bad complexion and I am just a homemaker rather than a talented girl.

He hates to show me to his friends and whenever we meet other family or friends he acts as if he loves me like anything and we are the best couples ever. That hurts me a lot.  Due to his constant bragging my parents came to know about these issues. And his mom already knows everything, as he tells everything to his mom and scolds her every now and then saying she spoiled his life.

And we had two major fights in which my family got involved and took me away from him due to physical torture. And he was very upset and wanted me back and my parents demanded he go for counseling and he went through and the counselor asked me to go to back with him.

In the initial days he was angel, but later again he keeps on saying this and mentally tortures me and keeps on saying badly of my family and tries to bring out new problems. Whenever we sleep together and make love he says I am skinny and have dry skin and that he doesn’t even want to love me.

I am being very helpless. But whatever he says when tortures me, he wants me to forget and again be the same old me with a happy smile.  I hate to be with him because I don’t know when he will torture me with his words.

He hates me also because I haven’t become pregnant since 2 years. I don’t feel like living with him anymore. And I am very scared to take a decision. Please help me anyone??

~Sana Akram

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8 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It's his fault for agreeing to marrying someone because of his mother and not because he really wanted to be with you. If he wanted to be with a different type of girl than you, he has no one other than himself to blame for it. Apparently, he is taking out on you the resentment he has against his mother or himself, and this is wrong. I tend to think that even if he had a "gorgeous, clever and talented" wife, he wouldn't even know how to treat her right either. Based on what you are describing about him, I don't think he deserves something 'better' than you, in fact he doesn't even deserve you.

    I am appalled that a counselor would urge you to reunite with him after he physically came at you. Even if he is no longer putting his hands on you, he is still abusing you mentally and emotionally which is not acceptable. If I were you, I would return home to your parents. Tell him that you will not consider coming back to him unless he starts treating you with the value you deserve, which means no more berating your appearance or saying he doesn't love you. He should no longer blame you for anything that he chose for himself. He should compliment you on your good qualities and treat you consistently, so however he acts with you in the presence of family is also how he should act with you when it's the two of you alone. If he doesn't make these changes- and not only make them, but sustain them for at least a couple of months- I wouldn't consider returning to him and might even request a divorce.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salaam Sister, leave him.

    Inshallah you will get something better if you put your trust in ALLAH (swt)

    He will destroy you emotionally... you deserve better.

    Love and Respect. Dua mein yaad sister.

  3. Salaam sister, this man is a hypocrite, and you should leave him, his treatment of you is wrong and his comments are sick, he fails to recognise you have feelings and keep talking of his perfect wife, but i will say this, despite everything before you leave, give him a last chance, sit down and lay it all out, accept you for who you are and love you or if not then lose you forever, given this situation he will either clean up his act and act correctly or decide that the marriage can go no further, but always present him with this ultimatum, divorces are disliked and one should do everything in their power to make it work before deciding no other option is left, pray to Allah and ask for guidance, i would recommend praying salat-ul-istikhara and asking if you should remain with this man or leave him, this decision will put your heart at ease and will be the correct one to follow. further i would like to say the gift of a child is from Allah, he is wrong to vent anger at you, it is Allah decision and one must pray and ask him, so do not dwell on his comment blaming you.

    I dislike men who treat sisters wrong and fail to aknowledge what islam has stated about the status of women and especially the wife in islam, but you are the victim of such a person and if after the ultimatum the man does not clean up his act and change himself, you would have no choice but to go back to parents and request a divorce.

    I pray your marriage works out, that your husband changes and you can live in harmony and happyness inshaAllah.

  4. Sister,

    I believe that you are already blessed due to the fact that you have not had a child with this man. There is a Muslim brother out there who will appreciate the amazing woman that you are. This man does not deserve you. Don't let someone of his small stature destroy your spirit. Go back to your family who it appears are very understanding and love you very much. Life is too short to waste it on someone who does not appreciate you and is destroying your self worth.


  5. Asalaam alaykum Sana Akram,

    His actions talk louder than his words and they are that of a cold and heartless human being. Even if he does not love you, he should respect you enough and love Allah (swt) to honor you and allow you to leave this marriage. He is weak and afraid of being alone, but when he has you, he treats you less than an animal because he only wants to "own" you and not love you. What he had said to you is demeaning and Allah (swt) is the Most Wise, knowing your beauty inside and out is what He created for the best.

    You are worth Allah's (swt) love, care and affection to be permitted into Heaven if you make the right choices in life, so who is this man to judge you so harshly? Does he know better than Allah (swt). Astigfirullah.

    Dear Sister, your complexion is only on the surface and your heart and piety in the wisdom of Allah (swt) is what matters. Never mind the fact that with some laser procedures and proper medications, you can reveal a clear skin tone in no time? Has this man ever made the offer to do such a ting for you? Instead of helping you be radiant as the Sun, he looms over you like a dark cloud of hail.

    The counselor who advised you was a charlatan to be sure, if knowing all these things, he instructed you to go back without ensuring that you were safe and that your self-esteem was intact. Any man that hits you doesn't deserve to see you again, never mind attack you with his words repeatedly.

    A man who values his friends more than the woman who is committed to love him deserves neither. If his friends knew of this, they would think of him as a disgrace if they have any morals and fear Allah (swt). His behavior is pathetic and that of an ego driven child.

    When he scolds his mother, he earns the Wrath of Allah (swt). Any man who treats his mother this way should seek forgiveness and repent if they fear Allah (swt). Clearly this man does not.

    The fact that he insults you during intimacy is disgusting. A simple moisturizer and lavish soaps with a water filter can cure dry skin conditions, as can seeking a dermatologist. Has this man taken those steps to help you? Of course not, he's only self centered and mean.

    The Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) said that when a man approaches his wife for love making, that he do so with sweet words and kisses. This is they way of love making in Islam and your husband is definitely misguided from this Straight Path. Also, many Muslim men would love to have a skinny wife.

    You can give an ultimatum of change, if you wish, as a demand of separation during these next months apart, which he should try to court you properly. Separation is not just a means of sleeping apart, but a time for him to work on his problems and show you that he loves you, will treat you fairly and genuinely wants you as his wife. His attitude must change towrds his mother and your parents as a condition of reform, as well.

    However, ultimately, I am of a different mind on this from other posters: you have endured enough abuse. It is time to pack your bags and seek refuge with Allah (swt) by staying with your parents as another separation. I see no hope of reconciliation based on his past actions of false changes. Eventually, this will lead to divorce in time. All you are doing is suffering more torment at his hands by staying with him.

    No woman wants to be treated with such disdain by such a shallow little man. And by the way, any servant of Allah (swt) is more beautiful and worth more than all the treasures of this Earth. You are that special!

  6. Assalamu alaikum,
    First of all no one should be forced to marry anyone, its his or her choice.
    and a good husband, a very good husband would love a girl who is humble and he wouldn't care if she is beautiful or not, and he would not call her bad names, and he would comfort her in anyway.
    it is your choice if you want to leave him or not if you believe that you will be happier if you leave than you should. And again you should not be forced to marry anyone.

  7. On the authority of Abu Dharr al-Ghifari (may Allah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) is that among the sayings he relates from his Lord (may He be glorified) is that He said:

    "‘O My servants, I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another. O My servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance of Me and I shall guide you. O My servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food of Me and I shall feed you. O My servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing of Me and I shall clothe you. O My servants, you sin by night and by day, and I forgive all sins, so seek forgiveness of Me and I shall forgive you. O My servants, you will not attain harming Me so as to harm Me, and you will not attain benefiting Me so as to benefit Me. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as pious as the most pious heart of any one man of you, that would not increase My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to be as wicked as the most wicked heart of any one man of you, that would not decrease My kingdom in anything. O My servants, were the first of you and the last of you, the human of you and the jinn of you to rise up in one place and make a request of Me, and were I to give everyone what he requested, that would not decrease what I have, any more than a needle decreases the sea if put into it. O My servants, it is but your deeds that I reckon up for you and then recompense you for, so let him who finds good praise Allah and let him who finds other than that blame no one but himself.’"

    It was related by Muslim (also by at-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).

  8. salaam

    i am 21 years married for last 6 Months.
    (Remainder of question deleted. Alina please log in and submit your question as a separate post. Editor,

    SisterZ Editor

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