Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband told me he wants to marry my close friend

second wife

AssalaamuAlaikum

I am an American Muslim woman. I married my husband later in life, both of us have adult children and grandchildren from previous marriages. We have now been married for 9 years. He told me he wants to take another wife (she is about 8 years younger than me but she is in her mid 50's and I am in my 60's.) She is a close friend of mine, I have had a sister relationship with her for over 27 years.  She has not answered his request for marriage but she is considering it, praying on it because she would like to be married - she has been divorced and without a husband for over 20 years. She lives about 2 miles from us. Our paths always cross. My husband has only known her as long as we have been married. I have prayed on it and continue to pray for guidance because I know by Allah he is allowed to have another wife. If he marry her it's like he is marrying my blood sister. But she obviously does not feel the same way. If he marry her I will see them together, he will be making love to her and then coming to me. How do women deal with that? And when I see her I will know they have been intimate - How do you look at another woman holding your husband's hand and smiling lovingly in each others' faces? I'm praying for guidance on what is best for me. If I stay in the marriage how can I emotionally cope? Is there a guide or text from a woman's perspective on sucessful polygmist marriage? Thank you.

nureddin


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19 Responses »

  1. please...do not commit suicide ..i am a normal girl who is not from a well off family but i am any how dealing with my problems..my life and my family is always having financial problems ..and sometimes it becomes frustrating ..but Allah gives us problems so that we come back to him ...i know this is your hard face going on ...but if you don't gather yourself now no one will be able to help you...you do not need anyone's help ...many people may guide you but no one..can know what you feel other than Allah..your sisters are good...but you are different and there is nothing wrong in being different...i don't much sit on net ...but just saw your message ...see this world is a trial now if you control ... Allah will reward you later..and when you are trying to help yourself out of these problems ...you will understand in your heart that actually someone is giving you the strength to bare it ...that is Allah ..in your heart...no matter in what situation you come...never loose hope ...it is you who is thinking that every way is blocked ...but actually there is always a way ...you just have to find the key..to that way ...built your love for Allah so strong ..that nothing else in this world should matter to you...the only thing now you focus is that you should not displease Allah.. don't cry for love.. Allah loves you seventy times more than your mother ...keep yourself strong...and try to please Allah ..and trust me you will get help ...talk to Allah ...he will reply you ...please be strong ...

    • Salaams,

      I'm not sure you responded to the right post- there's nothing in this one mentioning suicide?

      Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
    الحمد لله رب العالمين
    السلام عليكم و رحمت الله و بركاته

    AlSalaam

    Responsible men and women are garments of protection for one another. A man is given a degree above a woman because he protected women and provided for them from his means. Marriage is a meeting of minds. In the case of women : a valuable woman reminds us of the espousal of the WARSHip of Allah. From the WARSH reading-recital of Qur'aan elongating the "Ya" in The Opening of our worship of Allah Alone and asking in adoration only of Him by turning to Allah so that Allah turned to us.

    The Path favored is that of Paradise. Where by straightness to the True Sovereign Allah Huwa Allah Muslim men have made an unseen corner (placing a diadem (crown on the head of each of his women and keeping)) every believing woman out of sight from another believing woman. That is the tented pearl of the believer sixty miles in breadth in Paradise. 60. Al Mumtahinah (That Which Examines). From Qur'aan and Hadith. Paradise - one heart - is made from the earth.

    Every woman is to be given her own residence in likeness and support. The share of a male by his time but the splendor of one many faceted gem of light the light of Allah. Where all women ---- 1 ---- the pleasure of Allah.Bismillah..و الحمد لله رب العالمين

    The better the cut the better the light and de lights. Many women for one man ..The Beauty of the Righteous and the Ranks of the Elite.
    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيــــم الحمد لله رب العالميــن الرحمن الرحيــم ملك يوم الديـــن ايــــــك نعبد و ايـــــك نستعيىــــــن اهدنا الصراط المستقيـــــم صراط الذين انعمتْ عليهم غير المغضوب عليهم و الضآليـــــن آميـــــن

    قل هو الله احد الله الصمد لم يلد و لم يولد و لم يكن له كفواَ احد " .. احد احد " !!

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/my-husband-told-me-he-wants-to-marry-my-close-friend/

    Family are those you know by houses of honor.

    • Um-Madden with due respect, your reply made no sense to me .

      I am very interested in what knowledgable people on this website has to say. this question that how woman cope with this has bothered me too. ( iam not in any situation like this)

      as far as i understand .... one doesnt. Hazarat Ayesha was still jeolous of Hazarat Khadija even though she had died long ago. also she didnt use to tolerate when other wives used to send gifts(food) to Prophet.

      I guess in olden days women had no choice ( specially financially) but to share a husband. but this is my immature , non-knowledgable view..... a woman's view.

      • بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
        الحمد لله رب العالمين
        السلام عليكم و رحمت الله و برجكاته
        جراكم الله خيرا

        Aisha Ra was told very sharply by Muhammad S (صلى الله عليه وسلم) when she spoke against Khadijah Ra on how he could love an old woman with swollen red gums and I (Aisha am better and young) : She supported me when none supported me and all gave me the lie. And she gave me children when none of my wives have given me children.

        It looks like the truth of Islam is the first to be supported by the true. True to the true is the fact that most women are ungrateful to their husbands and deficient in religion and intelligence. From the saying of the Messenger of Allah.

        It was not as midnightmoon said in his excellent post at the end that Fatima wished not to share her husband Ali with another woman. But wisdom to avoid the painful reality of living fresh memories and oppression from Unbelievers. Her father the Messenger of Allah said to Ali : The daughter of Muhammad and the daughter of Abu Jahl (the father of ignorance and "the Pharaoh of this Umma") cannot live under the same roof.

        As far as my friend , Amy having difficulty understanding several responses that is why a forum posted questions and responses to specific postings. As Amy did to sara's post at the top. For clarity to all. How can I answer clearly with an understood response when there are no specific questions to "several" ..??? "responses"... Happy is the one responding first and breaking ice at its thinnest point. Leaving thick Ice that others can skate on. Avoiding the cold and dark plunge into freezing waters. The breakage of the thin. And submersion to a chilly death.

        Thank you ALI YOUSUFF for your response. Most excellent are Islamic points to both spouses (man and wives). May Allah reward you. و الحمد لله رب العالمين

        • Assalaamualaikam

          Your assertion that most women are deficient in religion and intelligence concerns me that you may have a somewhat inaccurate perception of Islamic teachings on the differences and similarities between men and women.

          Women make up approximately half the world's population, and we are just as capable of being successful in terms of intellect and deen as men are. Women today hold demanding careers in almost every field of work - you don't even need to look at a newspaper for the proof of that; just look at the work done by women who contribute to this website, eg. Medicine, Science, Law, Education, Psychology...

          In some parts of the world, women have fewer opportunities to obtain an education, but that doesn't mean they are less intelligent.

          Midnightmoon
          IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • Salaams,

      Sister, I also have found that several of your responses have been difficult to understand. I'm not sure this is helpful to the OP or other readers. Is it possible to try to make your points clearer and easier for most to understand?

      Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • My husband married another woman and he has us living under the same roof together. I am his first wife, not legally but we married at the masjid with witnesses by an Imam. I am not happy living under the same roof with the other wife, because he and I always fight because I see he's not being equal with us regarding his time, and he can't afford to get us both our own places. I don't know my rights in Islam about this. I pray to Allah all the time for guidance. My advice to you is to ask Allah's guidance on this, and be sure he can provide each of you with separate homes.try not to be selfish in how you approach this. Think of your friend as well, how does she feel, would she be better off if your husband marries her? Think about the conditions you would like to set for him before he takes her as his wife. He doesn't have to have your permission to Marry a second wife, but you can set conditions before he marries her. Pray about it first though, before you set any conditions, that they be fair and just conditions. It's always hard when your husband wants another wife, but it is his right. Don't blame your friend if she says yes, she's probably very lonely, and she probably wants to know that you won't dislike her if she says yes. The greatest love is being willing to give up something you care about, for the happiness of another.

  3. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    DEAR SEE THERE IS WOMAN BY NAME IN THE MYTHOLOGY OF INDIA CALLED SEETHA-
    AND THE CONCEPT OF HINDU MENTALITY IS THAT THE LAW OF 2ND MARRIAGE WITH 1ST WIFE ALIVE IS A CRIME AND THERE IS PENAL CODE FOR THAT-
    THE THINKING MATCHES THIS FEELING How do you look at another woman holding your husband's hand and smiling lovingly in each others' faces?
    COMING TO YOUR If I stay in the marriage how can I emotionally cope? IN REPLY I WILL TELL YOU IF YR HUSBAND IF HE WOULD HAVE GONE FOR SOMEONE AS FRIEND AND DIDNT TELL YOU HE WOULD BE IN VERY BIG SIN.
    NOW HE HAS TOLD YOU ABOUT A HALAL RELATION AND IF HE DOES IT THEN YOU MUST BECOME HAZRATH AISHA BECOME TRIUMPHANT AND WIN JANNAH ...YOU ACCEPT HAPPILY A LAW FROM ALLAH AND SO THERE IS REWARD FOR YOU IN THE REST OF THIS SMALL LIFE LEFT AND IN THE PROCESS YOUR HUSBAND IS ATTEMPTING A STEP WHICH PUTS HIM IN GREAT RESPONSIBILITY OF EQUALITY AND YOU ATLEAST IS NOT PUT ON THIS ACID TEST-HE HAS TO BEWARE AND PASS EACH DAY IN VERY CAREFUL EQUALITY OTHERWISE HE WILL LAND UP WITH HALF FACE WITH FLESH AND HALF WITHOUT FLESH ON THE DAY OF JUDGEMENT-
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMp8h7ucTWk
    http://polygamy411.com/where-do-you-fit-in-polygamy/

  4. Allah SW guide you strengthen your family sister.

  5. assalamu alaikum

    sister you do NOT have to live in a situation that is not for you if you dont want to be in a polygamist marriage. if you cannot live like that YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DIVORCE... it is a privilege for certain men of a priviliged financial status to do. Can you husband afford 2 homes? and maintain you BOTH? IF not then he cannot.

    speaking from experience, i married a few years ago to a man that was already married. he moved me to his country and we currently have six children. his first wife has separated from him because she first consented but as time went on she couldnt deal with the jealousy. also, if i couldnt deal with it i would leave and just because they have the option doesnt mean that you have to go for it if you dont want to.

    there are LOADS of single men out here and i wouldnt believe the hype of less marriageable men. I am happy but being african i am accustomed to this as many do it in my culture...but IT ISNT for everyone...most people i know in polygamist marriages the women are not happy...or end up divorcing.

  6. Salaams,

    I'm not sure there's a "manual" on how to cope with polygamy. Everyone who enters it has to find their own way and make it work. The only other option is deciding it's not for you and asking for a release from such an arrangement. I think a lot of women end up getting into counseling just to find the support and therapeutic tools to deal with the level of emotions that polygamy creates.

    One thing I do know for sure, though, is that your husband (if he does take your friend as a second wife) should not be holding the hand of either one of you or looking with passionate love in the presence of the other. That's disrespectful to both of you. Part of maintaining two separate households is keeping any traces of affection or intimacy out of each others' views, no matter how close you and she may be.

    The crucial thing that makes polygamy work is the man keeping the equality as well as he can, and respecting the boundaries of his two wives and families. This may be especially hard to do in your case, since you and your friend are so close and it will be that much easier to "share stories" about your mutual husband. It may be natural for you to go to one another if you are having marital difficulties, and that can confound the position of authority your husband must be in to you both.

    I was in polygamy for a very brief length of time, but it was still one of the worst experiences I've ever had to work through. For me the best way to deal with it was to journal journal journal about everything that I felt and thought. I also saw a counselor myself. As it happened, the polygamy ended almost as soon as it began but despite that there are lingering scars that I suspect will always haunt me. Despite that I do believe that polygamy is something that can be successful if all parties involved are equally committed to making it work. There are some families (although they do appear to be a relative minority) who say that polygamy has enriched their lives. Maybe that will be the case for your husband, your friend, and yourself, or maybe not. That's something you will have to do some soul searching to determine.

    Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Honestly, I understand your pain I wouldn't want my husband to be with someone else or make love to them even though they can have up to 4 wife's is just so painful !!! Insallah Allah open a better door for you!!

  7. Sister,

    I certainly admire any sister who is able to accept her husband taking a second wife. I personally could not and would not accept it. For many I may appear selfish however, I am not willing to share my husband. If my husband did choose to marry a second wife as it is his right per Islam, I would never stand in his way and I would want him to be happy. I however would leave the marriage because in my opinion, I deserve better. May Allah guide you in your decision and may he make things easy on you.

    Salam

  8. Assalaamualaikam

    I think it's important for you and your husband to discuss this - inshaAllah once the two of you have an open and honest conversation about the issue, your options should become clearer.

    Why is he wishing to marry this woman? Does he want to marry her to provide for and protect a woman who is currently alone, does he want to provide her with companionship and marriage for the sake of Allah? Is he maybe thinking that as you are friends, it might be easier for you both to adjust, or that you could provide companionship for each other? Understanding why he wishes to take a second wife may help you both decide what to do.

    It's also important to clarify what the living situation would be. For example, is your husband imagining a single happy family all under one roof, where his wives are best friends? My honest opinion would be that this is very unlikely to be a successful approach; if this is what he is imagining will happen, it's important to address this. Be sure that you understand your rights in relation to a polygamous relationship - such as your right to your own home and your own private life with your husband.

    It may also be worth speaking with your friend about this, to figure out how you both feel about the idea of being wives to the same man. You mention that she is considering it because she would like to be married - does she want to be married in general, or to this particular man? If she is considering saying yes out of a desire not to be alone rather than a desire to be married to him in particular, then she might want to take some time to re-consider and potentially look for alternative ways to address this issue. It would also be important to establish boundaries - eg: the two of you agree not to talk about your relationships with your husband; no intimacy in front of each other; clarifying expectations such as family events, holidays, what happens in urgent situations (for example, if you and your husband are having an evening together and she has a fall while home alone, would you be accepting of him going to help her, and vice versa?).

    While it is a man's right to have more than one wife in certain circumstances, it is a woman's right to refuse to be in a polygamous relationship. Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her) was not willing to be in a polygamous marriage, and her father The Prophet (peace be upon him) supported her in this matter. If, after discussing and considering the issue, you decide that you do not want to be in a polygamous relationship, you are entitled to inform your husband of this; he may re-consider, or the two of you may decide that divorce is necessary. I would urge you, your husband and your friend to pray istikhara and ask Allah for guidance. May He guide you all to what is best for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  9. While it is a man's right to have more than one wife in certain circumstances, it is a woman's right to refuse to be in a polygamous relationship. Fatima (may Allah be pleased with her) was not willing to be in a polygamous marriage, and her father The Prophet (peace be upon him) supported her in this matter.

    Dear Midnightmoon,
    salam.

    what are those certain circumstances. where can i read this story of fatima.
    I always had this question in my mind that women is all compromising and soooo giving . why did Allah had to test women with polygamy. no human being can tolerate that. why Allah asked women to tolerate it. afterall we dont marry just so that we clould be associated with a man. I feel God is so unfair asking woman to share their husband.

    how will men like if they had to share their wife. they cant even tolerate their ex being married to someone else, let alone their wives.

    Also . please dont get me worng, it is only to increase my knowledge of religion. Why did Allah not set an example through prophet of marrying one woman at a tme. why did prophet keep so many wives.

    he himself had more than one wife but when his daughter asked not be in a polygymous marriage he supports her ...? . why didnt he say to his own daughter that Allah has given the right to man to marry 4 .

    please , please dont take my questions in a wrong way. I love my religion, but there are few things that keep botheing me. like all these questions above.

    Jazakallah khair.

    • @ friend : Thank you for asking, the exact same questions have been bothering me for a long time as well.Hope we get a logical response, without being labelled as infidels or heretics :p

    • Assalaamualaikam

      The account of Fatima's (may Allah be pleased with her) life and marriage should be included in any detailed biography of The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), so I'd recommend visiting your local Islamic bookstore and picking one up - that way you can read these accounts in the context of the life of The Prophet (peace be upon him).

      If we look at the life of The Prophet (peace be upon him), we can see examples of how we should aspire to act in virtually every circumstance we can imagine. His first marriage, to Khadija (may Allah be pleased with her) was monogamous, and then later he had more than one wife. The circumstances of polygamy are important to consider, as are issues of fair treatment and interpersonal relations - as polygamous relationships were to be deemed permissible by Allah, it makes sense that The Prophet (peace be upon him) would have such a marriage, as we are to look to his life for examples of how best to live ours - by studying how his marriages were conducted and how he and his wives treated each other, we can see how we are meant to behave in such circumstances.

      Allah has decreed that in certain circumstances, polygamy is permissible, but He has also shown that it is the right of a woman to say "No; I don't want this" - at that point, a couple could discuss the matter, decide to remain monogamous, decide to proceed with marriage to another woman, or decide to separate if their feelings on the issue are non-negotiable.

      Rather than seeing polygamy as a test or a trial for women, if we examine the historical context, we can see some reasons why it would be to the benefit of women in some situations. For example, in a time of conflict, where many men fought and died, women were left widowed, orphaned, and without men to marry. The world was dangerous and had a history of exploiting vulnerable women - a woman without a wali would be especially vulnerable, and would also not be able to have a family of her own if she could not marry. In that situation, would it be better for women to live alone and risk exploitation, or to be part of a polygamous marriage in which she would have her own household and the opportunity to have a loving husband and family?

      While the above was written thinking about the time of Our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him), you can also see how it would apply to other times throughout history, and even in the present day.

      Sometimes we cannot see the reasons for something that Allah has decreed, but we can trust that His guidance is for our benefit and protection. I'm a recent revert, so there are still many things I need to learn about our faith, but one thing that I find helps me to learn is to first accept that while I may not know the reason for something, it is Allah's will so there will be a reason for it - then I can study the issue without having a strong emotional attachment to one viewpoint, and even if I can't understand it, I can trust that it is Allah's will and accept that as reason alone.

      My personal feeling is that it's important for us to ask questions about things that we do not understand or that we feel strongly about - if we don't ask the questions, how will we find the answers? What might help you is to join a sisters-only study group or class in your community, in order to learn more.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

      • Dear Midnight moon,

        Jazakallah khair for the reply.

        i am glad as an editor and a responsible person on this website , you took question as an understanding towards religion not as a criticism.

        I once asked one of the editors of this website about something in the Quran ..... All he had to say was that that he doesnt know. but he went further to say that I shouldnt be asking questions as it is critising religion and questioning God.

        Thank you for sharing your view about it. I guess for me this is the answer.

        Sometimes we cannot see the reasons for something that Allah has decreed, but we can trust that His guidance is for our benefit and protection.

        May Allah bless you and increase your imaan and knowledge ( and mine too)

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