Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband want polygamy due to my infertility

Salamualaikum to anyone that may be able to offer me some advice.

I'm having an extremely difficult time in my marriage and am writing for advice as I really have noone to talk to about my problem except my husband and one female friend..  But my husband has stopped allowing me to discuss the problem, because he feels like we have talked enough and my friend and I have a difficult time talking because I do not speak arabic and her english is okay, but not very well when I really need help and advice and understanding.

. Here is my problem..  I am an american women whom became muslim 8 years ago..  I married a muslim man from Egypt 10 years ago..  After I became muslim, we began trying to conceive a child because both my husband and I really love children and have so much love in our hearts to give kids..  But, after years and years of trying, we have not been able to have children..  My husband and I have both been tested, and the problem is determined to be mine..  The doctors say that I could carry a child to term, but I cannot naturally conceive..  Well, I wanted to try invitro fertilization as soon as I heard this news from the doctors, but my husband refused..  And this drug on for several years..  He would not allow me to look in to invitro and he would not consider adoption..  At that time he began bringing up polygamy, but I told him how much I was against it and did not think I could ever accept it in my life..  I understand that this is the right of the women to decide whether or not she can accept this in her life..  Well, my husband and I were both 42 when he finally decided to allow me to see a specialist about invitro fertilization..  But by then, the doctor said I was too old and that the probability is that the procedure, which is very expensive, would most likely fail on me..  So, that was it. My husband would not allow me to see any other doctors to see if there were any other opinions.. 

Then for months, my husband just seemed so down in spirits and depressed, and when I would ask him to speak to me and tell me what was wrong, he would just say "nothing" and would not share anything with me..  My husband is a very honest man and I really feel he would never lie to me..  He had not recently brought up the idea of polygamy, but he did tell me stories of other egyptian men here in America, that had taken american wives, but then secretly went back to egypt and married muslim women and impregnated them..  They kept the wives secret from each other..  I did not have a fear that my husband would do this to me..  I trusted him implicitly.. 

So, coming forward to March of 2007..  My husband had an opportunity between jobs, to go home for a visit..  His parents are aging, and I encouraged him to go and spend some relaxing time visiting with all of his family..  I really was supportive of the idea, and did everything I could to help him prepare and plan for the vacation..  The plans were for him to stay at the most 45 days and then return home to begin his new employment.

After he was in Egypt 1 week, he called me, and out of the blue he said to me "can we talk about something"..  I said sure..  And that is when he brought up his need for children again, and told me that he promises that he had no plans when he left for egypt of even thinking about this, but when he got there and realized all his younger and older brothers all now had children and all his friends were married and having babies and even his youngest neices and nephews had gotten married and expecting children..  He said it just HIT HIM HARD..  and made him realize that he cannot wait anymore..  He told me that he will be trying to find someone to marry him before he comes home.. 

Well, needless to say, my world fell apart..  I understand culturally, that expectations in marriage are much different in my american culture than those of middle east, or I should say those of egyptian culture because I cannot speak to other middle eastern muslim cultures..  But my husband has explained to me many many times over the years that we have been married, that although marriages in their culture are loving and respectful, there is not the same weight of value of love and romance and monogamy, as there is in my culture..  It has always been hard for me to understand the way in Egypt, you choose your future spouse basically by their "stats".  Things like, who is their family, what is their education, how do they look etc etc etc..  Love or romantic feelings play no part in selecting your mate for life.. 

My husband feels like he is doing nothing wrong at all by expecting me to willing accept and be supportive of him choosing another wife..  And after I got so hysterical, and sick (I became ill for days after he told me. - throwing up and not sleeping for almost 72 hours straight..  I could not stop crying and my head just ached so badly..  I tried to explain the emotion of love.. .  And the feelings of jealousy to him, but in his mind, there was no reason for me to be acting the way I was..  He wanted me to believe that nothing at all would change between us..  He would continue to care for me, and be supportive of me, and spend time with me in America..  The only difference would be that He would have this other wife and family in Egypt and he would have to spend time with regularity there..  He couldn't undestand why I could not just look at that time whenever he would be away from me in the future as a "vacation" much the same as this one was supposed to be..  I tried to truthfully tell him why I could not..  I tried to tell him that I would not be able to forget that he had kissed and made love to another women..  I could not forget that he shared intimacies that were to be reserved for me, his wife - his soul mate, with another women..  I tried to get him to try to imagine how it would feel, if I asked him to accept that I wanted to spend half of my time with another man..  Please don't get me wrong - I know that there is no way that this would ever happen as Islam does not allow for such a thing, but I just wanted him to try to understand the emotions I was going through..  He proved to me that even though he says he loves me and cares for me..  It is not in the same way that I have loved him for 10 years..  If it were, he would not find it so easy to suggest this new arrangement..  He assures me, that he would ONLY be marrying this new wife for the purposes of having children, not for love and not for sex..  Of course, he does not deny that those things will be taking place, he just wants me to forget about that..  He even want me to be so accepting of the new arrangement, as to say, his children with HER, would be my children too..  This has been a frequent discussion in our marriage since we have not been able to have children of our own..  We discuss alot about, how often I am called upon to care for my aging and ill parents..  I live only 1 mile from them, and I am with them nearly every day in some capacity - to help care for them..  They are both pretty ills and really aging quickly..  So, we often (my husband and I) say, who will take care of us when we are that age..  Well, my husband has figured it out...he will marry someone else and have children so they can take care of him..  What really saddens me, is that these egyptian men, and maybe other men of other cultures as well, feel totally justified, in going to their countries and making these marriages and conceiving children and then leaving them there for the mothers to raise..  I understand this is not very uncommon in those cultures, but to me it's unthinkable..  When Mohamed and I were planning to try to have children together, it was for both of us to be involved in their upbringing and helping to mold them into the little people that God wills them to be..  I cannot imagine how women of those cultures are OKAY with this type of arrangement..  My husband has also gone so far as to say I am being selfish, for trying to ask him not to consider this "right" that he has to have more than one wife..  He says he has sacrificed so much to stay with me over the years, that he really anticipated I would be supportive and happy for him when he finally brought up the idea with me again a few weeks ago..  When I asked him what he meant by what he has sacrificed by staying with me and not leaving me when we first found out that I had difficulty conceiving a baby..  The things he says he sacrificed are that now, it will probably be more difficult for him to find someone that is accepting of his situation..  He will not probably have to pick one that's not too pretty, and maybe a little older, or maybe not too educated..  When he began saying things like this to me on the phone I just became hysterical..  Crying and moaning and just feeling like my world was crashing down around me..  Poor Mohamed..  It's not enough that he has a loving devoted wife that would do anything in her power (aside from polygamy) to make him happy and feel loved..  He's been forced to sacrifice his ability to have a young, beutiful, educated, fertile, bride..  I don't know why, but I have not yet gotten to a point where I'm angry..  I'm still just so hurt and bewildered an lost.. 

I have no doubt that I could survive without my husband..  I am a professional, and I have supported myself asking no financial support from my husband whatsoever thoughout our marriage..  I have paid for our home, and I pay our bills all I asked was that my husband save for our future and for our retirement so that we would be comfortable..  I have never asked for any financial assistance from him..  He has always been willing, but I told him it was not necessary, and that saving for our future was just as important to me.

Now look where I am..  My husband has saved for 10 years, and with that savings we have bought a home in Alexandria Egypt.. .  But now, I'm facing having to stay in a marriage in which I will be perpetually sad, unhappy and depressed because of feeling of not being enough for my husband and feelings of jealousy over him being with another women..  Or I lose every one of my hopes and dreams and future that I had planned with my husband.

. I'm so lost..  I feel like I have no where to turn..  I cannot speak with my parents about this, because they would never understand..  They do not understand Islam, and definitely would not be supportive or understanding if I were to tell them that my husband wanted to bring another women into our marriage..  In this country that is illegal.

To add more terror and insult to the entire problem, when I became so upset and cried so hard, my husband blamed me for the terrible stress that HE was under in Egypt..  I told him at least he had his family to lean on and to help him through this difficult time. I am all by myself with noone to talk to ..  And I have to try to keep myself composed every day to go to work and not allow the people there to see, the turmoil in my life..  I'm jeopardizing my job and my health because I am so stricken by this turn of events in my life..  My husband said to me last week, that now, since he sees that I cannot be supportive of him and submit to his request, he wishes that he would never have told me about it..  He says he should have just DONE it..  and I would never have realized..  I don't know how he could belive that, but he says he could have kept it a secret from me if he had wanted to..  it's clear to me, that although I though he really.  KNEW me and knew my heart, he must not..  If there was any way that he thought that I would be able to accept this....he must have been living with a stranger for the past 10 years, and not me...his wife.. 

We are now at the point of discussiing divorce..  Not becuase either of us wants a divorce, but because we can see no other way to make this stop hurting me..  And also, he doesn't want me to tell him that I would at least TRY to see if I could accept it and then after he marries someone, have me tell him later that I cannot take it and that I want a divorce..  He said I either must commit to accepting the situation now forever, or we must divorce before he finds the new wife..  Because if he approaches someone to ask her to marry him with the situation as it is now, with him having to tell her she is a second wife..  He doesn't want to be "stuck" with that possibly less-desireable wife, if I change my mind in a few months or years..  When if I tell him now, that I cannot accept it, then he divorces me, and the new wife never even needs to know about me..  See...its' all a win win situation for him and a lose lose lose lose lose hearbreaking, distressing, depressing, burdon for me.

Please inshallah, if anyone can offer me words.  of guidance or maybe just kind words of understanding and help with acceptance, I will really appreciate it..  I'm sorry this post has gotten so long.. I had much to say..  And I apologize for the poor grammar..  I didn't not take the time to type in good context..  I'm just sitting here trying to hold back the tears long enough to get the words down to send to you.

Salam alaikum, and thank to all for just even lending an ear to listen to me..  I realize there is probably not much advice that can help soothe the way I feel..  But I'm willing to listen and try.




36 Responses »

  1. Dear Lamees,
    Assalamoalaikum.May Allah ease your pain,Guide and protect you and make this difficult trial easy for you.I am going through something similar.Married for 22 years.TTC FOR 22 YEARS- 44 years old now (problem was mine.)Husband is silently resentful, feel sorry for him also.I dont think I'm in aposition to offer you any advice as I'm looking for insight myself and some answers as I never thought my prayers would not be answered. I just wanted to contact you and let you know that I can feel your pain.

  2. Asalamu3alakum... I cannot say i feel your pain, but i do empathize with you. your story brought tears to my eyes. I am a palestinian but have lived in America the majority of my life. I understand where you are coming from. To you it is unthinkable as it is to me. i understand the culture and religious side of his point of view as i understand yours. Nothing you are feeling is wrong, selfish or make you any less of a Muslim or a woman. You are brought up so differently than he. I wish there were some words that would make you feel better but there isnt. The pain will be there and it will take time for you to forget. I cannot imagine how you are feeling and will pray that Allah will give you the strenght to get through this hard time. Dont get down on yourself. It was Allah's will for this to happen, and inshallah you will have a brighter future ahead of you with many happy days and the love of another that you so desire. Allah is with you and i will be more than happy to hear you our anytime. this is the first time i get onto this site and the first entry i read and comment on. if you know of a way to contact me through this, i will be more than happy to give you the shoulder to cry on. Allah is with you. Asalamu3alakum

  3. Dear Lamees, courage! It is a difficult situation, but not a hopeless one. Men are like the shadow-when you try to run away from them-they follow you, when you follow them-they run away from you. So, crying on the phone and trying to convince him to stay with you, will only make things worse. You are a strong woman and you have to show some stamina and self respect. Act stoic and accepting of the spilt, and tell him you are ready to divorce him if this is what he wishes. Do not put any preassure on him to stay with you. Do not call him. Ask him for a clear deadline to fill in the divorce papers so that you can move on with your life. I can guarantee you that your independent and confident attitude will make your man rethink his decision. He would be intrigued what/who made you so strong. Believe me, after 10 years of marriage it is not easy to spilt with a woman, no matter what your man may think. Act proud and independent to gain his respect now. At present he knows you need him desperately. Desperate behaviour is a big turn-off to men, do not do it. Do not beg and cry (I know it is hard) and do not try to please him, this will only lead him to despise you even more. You know Jesus has said "Do not throw your pearls to swine, because they will trumple them and turn against you". Check this link, quite a similar story, you are not alone, girl. Courage!

  4. salam alikum,
    I'm sorry about the situation you are in now. Insha Allah after every hardship comes ease. I don't have much advice to give, but there are some resources for foreign women married to egyptian men go to this website and then go to to the community section, there you will find some e-groups with some wonderful women who have helped me tremendously with some of my struggles. There are a few americans who's husband has more than one wife, and some against the situation, but these groups are sure to offer some support and love insha Allah.

  5. Dear Lamees,

    Your situation is very sad but not unique. What happened to you is called in Europe "Bezness". It is a word construction from German 'Beziehung' means relationship and from English 'Business'. You can search for it in inet. Muslim men from poor countries marry women from wealthy industrial nations and if they have the western citizenship and enough money then they bring the Muslim virgin to build a "right/real" family. I would say your Muhammad had only married you to get the American citizenship. He had no allowed the invitro fertilisation because he had no (more) wanted a child with you. It was a big mistake from you no asking financial support from him because 1) a muslim man is obliged to support his wife if she works or not and 2) due to that he could have save all his money and secure a livelihood for his new family in Alexandria. The new house there is not for you. According Islam adoption is forbidden. What your husband have told you about love, namely 'love plays no part' you shoud finally believe; it was no joke. The influence of their family is enormous even if the sons support them from abroad and often from the money of his foreign wife. Insiders can never understand this behavior. Many women have become ill and landed in psychiatry. Although you are converting to Islam but your education and ethics are not islamic. I would say your Muhammad still has some sympathy to you in comparison to others. The real mistake was not to make a good elaborated marriage contract. As your husband has already taken his final decision you can do three things in my opinion: 1) to accept the situation without hysteria, you will not win just get sick, 2) to divorce and forget everything and 3) you are waiting until he marries and then bring a charge against him at court because of polygyny. The third solution leads to a war and all the solutions to your hurt and suffering. It is better if you ask for professional help and go to therapy. Be strong and reasonable, you can only count on yourself. Be not pride and proud, they are sin in islamic sence but keep your dignity. I wish you to find the strenght to go on your way. Good luck!

    • TAMAR you are insane, why would you tell a lady to bring up charges against her husband if he marries a second wife. You can't make some thing haram if Allah has made it halal. It's about following your religion not what YOU like or dislike. I can't believe that such people exists on forums to destroy people's lives

      • Name-calling: never a good idea. I'd say the man who put this poor woman through this ordeal has (temporarily) destroyed her life, not a person commenting on her situation. Frankly, you follow the laws of the land you live in, and as an American Muslim woman, I don't think polygamy should be practiced on US soil. And lastly, he deceived her; it's not about making polygamy haram, it's about empowering yourself as a woman and exercising your God-given rights. Don't encourage women to be victims and berate those who try to empower them. No truly religious man would put their wife through this for purely selfish reasons.

  6. "Assalamu-Alaikum"

    Dear Sister-in-Islam,

    I read your whole story & just I would suggest you to keep some patience concentrate in Dua after Fardh Salah may Almighty Allah bless u peace & guide u correctly.

    Allah Hafiz,

  7. please can you contact me Lamees, i need to speak to someone about my problem and seem to have the same problem, my story is simular and i would like to speak to you before i loose my mind. my once happy life is going form a great life to me being homless. please please contact me (contact info removed by editor)

  8. As Salaamu Alaikum Lamees,

    I have experienced what you are going through and it is monumental. I am an American female Muslim who converted approx. 23 yrs. ago. I was married five of those years before my husband married another woman against my desires.

    I know you are terribly distraught, are in extreme agony, and are overwhelmed. It's a traumatic situation that you are in, but you will be OK. It's won't easy at first, as you see, but it will get much easier, if you hold onto Allah real tight and don't let go-with hardship comes ease. It's been almost 2 1/2 yrs since I've been living polygamy and trying to survive. I'm doing it and you can to.

    You love your husband very much from what you tell me and I believe your husband loves you tremendously, as well. Otherwise, he would have just divorced you and began a new life with someone else.

    I believe if you give your husband consent to marry another woman to have his child, as extremely difficult as it will be, it would increase the love that he has in his heart for you even more than you could imagine. It would make your bond much, much stronger. He'll always look at you remembering the sacrifice that you made for him, which is special. Not many women would do it.

    He would love you deeply for giving him his right to have children, which indicates you put your selfishness aside. He'll know what you sacrificed for him. Never lose focused though. He should truly be seeking to please Allah by setting your selfishness aside and allowing her husband to practice polygamy as made permissible for Allah and seeking Allah's good pleasure.

    If it pleases Allah, your husband will stay married to you, as he loves you. He's going to marry the other woman for child bearing purposes.

    I threatened divorce numerous times and one day my husband said he'd give me one, not because he wanted one, but because he was exhausted with dealing with the situation and seeing me in so much pain. Sometimes we threaten divorce often so our husbands will plead for us to stay with them, which we think is them showing their love for us. However, it's a very dangerous thing to do, as one day he might say yes he wants the divorce and mean it. If he divorces you, you might be more devastated, miserable and alone.

    I know your pain. I experienced every aspect of it. I'm still feeling it, but it gets better. The pain lessens as long as you beg, plead to Allah for His help.

    This is a major test for you. Allah say-do you think you would enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before you. This is your test-it's huge. It might be your road to Paradise. You can do it!

    I formed a support group at for women like you and me and others. You could read my story there.

    I pray Allah makes you strong and drawer you closer to Him, bless you family and ease your pain.

  9. I am an American Muslim man. I found this post searching Google on "polygamy Egypt". Please, don't take my words to be unkind. I propose that you are not a victim of your husband here, but rather a victim of our native culture--if you can call it that; I think it odd to call such a purposefully manufactured and utterly twisted culture "native". But, it is true. You are what you are. I don't doubt your pain or your right to feel it. But I do think its wrong: not on your personal account, but on the account of our culture--for having taught you this. It is sad.

    You will certainly find plenty of feminist sympathizers to tell you what a schmuck he is, how wrong he is and how wrong you are. But lets look past our own nafs and seek Allah.

    Personally, I am not comfortable thinking of Rasulullah in the negative light in which my own culture portrays him. Yes, he did have 12 wives (and assured the Muslim man's right to polygamy). Yes, he did own and distribute slaves. Yes, he did marry Aisha as a child. All of these institutions have vast potential for abuse. But that does not make them intrinsically wrong. So what makes it right in one time or place but wrong in another?

    I will tell you two things that modern American culture has almost completely eradicated from its culture (and working hard to erase from the world): honor and shame. Without either, there is no Islam.
    Honor and shame are the cornerstones of an Authority vested in the family.

    American culture has abrogated familial authority under the guise of the "rights of women and children". Husbands and fathers are no longer the defenders of our families rights and honor, as is naturally so. But now these manufactured "rights" are pitted against the husbands and fathers. And for what? Ultimately, because the unfettered American woman is the greatest consumer the world has ever known.
    This is the nature of America's "culture".

    I think your husband did the right thing, knowing it's such an issue with you, telling you up front and not doing it in secret: that is the honorable thing to do.

    You may think your husband is being selfish, but sons are truly a rightful source of honor. And to many the lack of them are even a source of shame.

    I know it is hard for you, but it is not impossible for you to bear.
    I think it would be wrong to let your nafs (predicate upon your non-Muslim culture) to either stand in the way of his rightful desire to have children of his own or to destroy your marriage.
    Indeed, loving humility in good cheer through this ordeal might do well to wash away some of the latent American arrogance of our native culture from your soul.

    اÙ"žÃ˜Â³Ã™"žÃ˜Â§Ã™"¦ عÙ"žÃ™Å Ã™Æ’Ù"¦ Ùˆ رحÙ"¦Ã˜Â© اÙ"žÃ™"žÃ™"¡ Ùˆ بركاتÙ"¡

    • Why are daughters not a source of honor according to you?
      Anyway Muslims are instructed by Allah to not place pride in wealth and children.

  10. salam alaykoum,

    wallahhhhhhh your story touched my heart so much. i just want to tell you that may god ease the pain for you inshallah cuz you dont deserve this from a man that you trusted all this years....after all what you did to him, he just let you down...oh my god...i feel sick to know that there is people with no heart and no feeling, i doubt that he was honnest to you and like somone mentioned in top, he have just used you to get his citizenship.... sorry darling i know that hurt but this is the reality that you are facing now, as i mentioned earlier may allah ease your pain and may allah punish him.

  11. Just hang in there. Rely on Allah n hav faith in Allah to remove your jealousy n selfishnes which ar Haraam in Islam. Your husband luvs u very much. He cld hav taken a 2nd wife within 1yr but he stayed 10yrs b4 he did n its only 4kids sake. Be part of this futur n family n enjoy the blessin of kids wid him

  12. Slms i am in a similar situation n underst your pain sister. Pls dont listen to all those who tell u to end ur relationsh. Its taken 10yrs to build what u hav n believe me it sounds like ur marriage has a solid foundation. Time heals al pains n wid compassion n unselfishn of heart comes mor blessing from Allah grantin u HIS LUV

  13. Inshallah Allah wil increase the luv betw u n ur husband. It took me one month to accept wid Allahs Help n total Relianc on Allah today i am lookin 4ward to enjoyin my new family n luv of lotz of stepchildren. Allah is wid those who ar PATIENT.

  14. seriously all you woman out there allowing this disrespect to happen need to take a step back and ask yourself if this is right?! IT IS NOT RIGHT!!!! I am not muslim, nor would I ever be - religion I am sorry is the root of all evil in this world. A man should love, honour and respect his wife - when you marry you take a vow. Any man that wants to have another family has little if not no respect for his current wife....

    Lamees, you're an american - stand up strong and find yourself a good american man that would love you and put you on that pedistal you deserve, not someone who wants to run off to another country and have babies with another woman. When my husband found out we couldn't have children because of me, he did nothing but support me. It should be the same with you love.

    good luck and remember you deserve the best in life,

    • Chantelle, I almost deleted your comment, but I decided to publish it so I could educate you. Most Muslim men respect and honor their wives, as much as or more than non-Muslim men. A good Muslim man does not drink, gamble, use drugs, hit his wife or go out and marry another woman, leaving the first neglected and ignored. In Islam we know that Paradise is beneath the feet of the mothers. So a man should cherish his wife. My father has been married to my mother for 45 years and has never cheated on her or abused her.

      It's a mistake for you to make this about religion. Plenty of non-Muslim men cheat on their wives, beat them, drink or use drugs, or abandon their families.

      It also has nothing to do with being "American" nor not. I am Muslim and American. American is a nationality, while Islam is a religion. Americans come in all sizes and shapes, and all religions.

      You need to keep in mind that this site is especially created for people who are having trouble in their marriages or with their families, so they can get some advice. So you might read these posts and think, "wow, these Muslims are messed up." But that's not an accurate portrayal of Muslim families, as the many healthy families and happy marriages are not the ones writing to this website.

      • You are wrong about all Muslin men not using drugs, drinking or beating their wives.Also wrong about all non- muslim men using drugs, drink alcohol, and beat their wives. I find to be ignorant and hypocrate of your side. There are many sinners in this world as there is many good people too. Being religious does not make you perfect. Let God be the judge of us all.

        • Rachel, I suggest you brush up on your reading comprehension skills. I never made any such statements. Read the comment that I was responding to. Chantelle claimed the religion was the root of all evil, and that the poster should find a non-Muslim man who would respect her.

          I countered that good Muslim men do not do those things. If they do such things, they are not good Muslims. And I said that "plenty of" non-Muslims behave this way. Not all, by any means.


  15. Dear Lamees,

    I just got to know about your problem and as a new muslimah, I understand where you're coming from.
    I'm about to get married and I took sometime to think about the wedding contract and what I'd like to be in it. At first, I thought about putting in the contract that my husband couldn't have more than one spouse - which would be me - but then again I thought it would be wrong to prohibit him to use a right given him by Allah subhana wa t'ala.

    I believe that at this point of the game, there's no point telling you what you should or shouldn't have done. You have to think what you'll do from now on. Apart from praying to Allah, there are a couple of things you can do to help you out of this situation.

    I think the first step is understanding that we only have the power to define and change things pertinent to ourselves and not the others. And when dealing with other people's matters, we often tend to force situations, even though we don't mean to. I suggest that instead of expecting him to give up the idea or trying to come up with a solution to the matter, you should try to calm down a little and reflect about the entire situation - and by that I mean to see how it's best for you to deal with it.
    Making a list of actions you can take to change or improve the situation might help.

    The second step would be assuring that the efforts you made to maintain the household while he saved money for your future were not in vain. Speak to your husband and ask him to assure you the property you have in Egypt will be yours. And by that I mean having a document stating that your husband and you are the co-owners of the house.

    The third step would be studying Islam - and this is a very important step.
    Knowing what your rights and his rights really are is the best way to improve as a person, as a muslim and also the lives we live.
    It is his right as a muslim man to have up to four wives if he can equally treat them all. This would mean spending the same amount of time with you and with the other wife; maintaining your household and hers and assuring they will have all they need; providing care and love to both of you.
    Make sure your rights will be granted to you the same way his will be granted to him.

    I truly understand that after 10 years of "exclusivity" it is complicated to deal with the fact that his attention, care, devotion and etc will not be only directed towards you. It will take a lot more efforts from your side to keep the relationship happy, balanced and life as nice as it has been with him being exclusively with you. And that the situation gets even more delicate because of the fact that, despite your wishes, you are not able to conceive.
    He should understand that and support you in any means you need - and this point you must make clear to him: you will need his full support.

    Sister, please keep in mind that we have the power, and only we have the power, to overcome the difficulties we pass through with the help of Allah. Preserving the integrity of our body and mind through these times is mandatory to overcome them. Seek refuge, help and guidance in Allah at all times.

    Insh'Allah the few words I wrote will help.
    Wa salam!

  16. Assalamu aleykum,

    I am reading things here, which make me confused a bit. First of all the other marriage can't be looked at as "just for children"-it sounds like the other woman would have no other purpuse but to concieve-stagfirullah, let's give the other woman her equal rights to be looked upon like a human being.

    Dear sister,
    I feel your pain as well, though my story is more complicated, but probably less painfull.
    I wanted to write you about a story, in which a pious believing woman searched for 3 other wifes to marry her husband, so she can serve Allah better, pray more and meditate more.
    Sister! You are responsible for your body and soul, Allah lent it to you for a while to take care of it. Don't hurt yourself by being hysterical, and never forget that these are whispers of you know who.
    Whenever you feel you will cry or think about another wife, listen to Quran inshaAllah, study Islam, and put a lot of effort in knowing more about Islam, on loving Allah better and better. If you strenghten your Eman well enough, you can take burdens, you never dreamed about. Don't forget...this is a test from Allah Almighty, and you have two choices to make: accept it, or leave it. The third one (crying) is not an option, because it is just weakening your soul and body, nevertheless your Eman. Pray to Allah to guide you, help you and give you strenght and patience. Make Allah the first priority.

    May Allah heal your hurting heart dear sis! amin

  17. If you truly love your husband as you say you do, set aside your earthly jealousy & allow him his wish. We walk this earth for a very short time and it seems that he has has given you a considerable amount of his time, love & patience...And now he asks you for "permission" to father children. Based upon your differences, your future with him is unknown. It seems to be a no win situation for you but only if you have feelings of self-pity. For your husband, he has asked for the chance to start anew -to find what he feels missing from his life.
    You hold the power to give him children AND love. Forget what he needs to do physically & try to work through it. It will be your greatest gift ever to your husband. Your Allah will grant you many "brownie points" for your unselfish act of kindness & generosity.

    I will add that I am NOT a muslim. I was raised Christian but have adopted many muslim practices without even realizing it. I believe in one God & the rewards a good life will bring. God bless you and may you find peace with your husbands decision.

  18. Assalamu aleykum,

    I converted to Islam about 3 months ago b/c a Muslim man educated me about the religion, and about a month ago he proposed marriage to me. And I accepted for I grew to love him. However upon learning more and more about Islam I found out it is the right of Muslim men to marry up to 3 more wives. That totally destroyed me, and every time I think about it I feel jealousy, anger, frustration, and sadness. I have irregular menstrual cycles and probably a VERY minimum possibility of conceiving in the future and he knows about it, he said it would be no problem to adopt if necessary. Yet he refuses for me to stipulate in our marriage contract that he is not to take more than one wife (me). So just recently I told him if he doesn't accept, its better our engament be over, and so it's over, and I’m heart broken. I’m not perfect, and nor are you, so it’s natural to go against this at least in your own life case scenario, you don’t want to share your husband, God knows what you’re feeling and what you’re going through, he might not reward you but I guess you’ve done other good deeds in your life in which you will be rewarded. In your case I’d go for divorce, life will just not be the same, it’s impossible to treat both wives the same, he (your husband) could try his best to make both of you feel loved and comfortable but at the end he will always prefer someone else, that being in intimacy or affection. Whatever is meant to be is meant to be, so may God help you find your true path.

  19. Sister ,


    Do what ever feels right in your heart ...if you are troubled by husbands actions make your position known and the consequences (its not haraam to want to divorce a husband if you don't feel comfortable with the situation, althoughts its always better to put that stipulation in the marriage contract soo many young women just don't do it !)

    its obvious you have strived hard to help him acheive all he has aacieved and now he wants to spend that new found wealth. Do whats right for your children and your sanity ..if you can take the future head on with him and the 2nd wife go ahead by all means , if not make your case known. My 2 cents.


  20. Dear Lamees,

    Assalamu Aleikum, My response to your problem has been very late but let me hope my idea will somehow assist you. Let me begin with a prayer for you that Almighty Allah makes the right decision for you. My dear Sister I understand the situation under which you go through but the mere fact that you converted to Islam, you are obligued to follow the Islamic law "Sharia".

    Islam is a total submission to the will of Allah. So Whatever you do, first ask yourself weather you are in line with the principals of Islam. Devoce is allowed in Islam but it the most hated act by Allah. so try as much as possible to avoid devorce. afterall It is not sure procedure to get the right partner. From all your explanations, there is an indication that your husband still loves you and you still love him. Then why reach at devorce issue.

    Your husband did not commit any sin to marry another wife. I would therefore recommend you to accept polygamy and stay with your husband. Let him take all the responsibility of taking care of you. Dont give him anyother chance to save without fulfilling all what he is supposed to do for you.

    If the problem of failure to produce was on the side of your husband, then Islam allows the woman to devorce and get another man but since it is on your side, then polygamy is the best solution.

    I kow how painful it is but since it is a right to men, We need to accept it. I am also going through the same agony but I am soon getting recovery after two years.

    So dearest sister, be patient because Allah is with those who are patient. Pray to Allah to give you "only good things in this world and only good in the hereafter" This is the best Dua.

    Please reply.

  21. Salamu Aleikum my dear Sister,

    First of all, i agree and disagree on many points that have been made. Your husband, as you wrote in

    your statement, didn't take the financial responsibility he should have taken- and didn't

    pay the bills. That's completely unislamic- it would have been his duty. Some Muslim men out there

    make their lives so easy for themselves- just picking out the cherries of the bowl which they like.

    Life is not a bowl of cherries- and Shariah as well. We can't violate one law and take another

    that suits as well. His imaan and credibility as a pious muslim man have to be questioned.

    If he expects this sacrifice from you which demands a lot of committment, discipline, inner jihad u nafs

    etc. where are his sacrifices? He didn't allow you to carry out the in vitro fertilization..... ,

    didn't support you financially.... I agree with the brother who wrote that he didn't want children with you

    from the beginning. Otherwise, why would he forbid it? If you really love your wife and want children with

    her , you would even walk through Jihannam with her.

    Secondly: Yes, your husband may be right that in Egypt , Iran , Lebanon and many Middle-Eastern countries,

    social status, beauty and education are reasons for marriage. Not so in Islam. The most important criterion

    is Deen, regardless if the person lives in an upper part of town or lower part of town etc. , poor family etc.

    This makes it a cultural problem rather than a religious one and therefore the question if a Muslim man

    is allowed to marry up to four or not doesn't even have to be discussed. Love and romance exist in Islam,

    very much so. Our holy prophet loved his first wife Khadija so much that he used to cry whenever her name

    was mentioned. The year after her death was known as the year of grief. He said she supported me when

    nobody else supported me and she gave me comfort when nobody else did. Isn't that love and romance

    when someone cries years after his wife's death?

    There are so many Arab men out there whose hearts are full of passion and love for their wives. They don't

    betray them, they go on romantic holidays with them, they celebrate Valentine's Day with them and still,

    they have monogamous relationships. Maybe 1% of Muslims around the world follow this tradition.

    And believe me: Qu'ran doesn't recommend it, rather allow it with restrictions, but very cautiously.

    Surah 4/129: And you'll never be able to treat them equally, however much you try.

    Don't think that something isn't ok with you, it is a normal female inclination that you don't want anyone

    to enter your harim. You want to be the one and only for your husband; many people refer to Rassol Allah

    and his many marriages. The truth is: The majority of his wives were widows, older than him, with 1 or 2

    exceptions. The main purpose of his marriages was solving political and social problems in Arabia.

    So the ideal situation is a monogamous marriage and not marrying someone younger because of

    Shawa. If he wanted a family with you, he would have urged you to try the invitro-fertilization. I agree

    with the brother that he just wanted to collect money and build a family in his own country.

    Don't cry one single tear for every tear you cry is in vain. Every moment you think of him is a wasted

    moment. Try to sort things out for yourself and forget him. A man who has serious intentions to

    engage in polygamy has to be very religious and have very good morals. Polygamy is not for everybody

    and as he has already neglected his duties in the past, god knows how he's going to treat you in a

    polygamous relationship.

    Insha allah you're going to live in a relationship full of love and romance , compassion and joy with a real

    Muslim man- who will love you for the person who you are: American and Muslim, faithful, with a heart

    full of ma'arifa. This is not about culture. This is about finding your soulmate, your backbone who will never

    do zulm to you. Who will die for you.

    Peace and Insha Allah you'll be able to overcome this situation of agony and pain.

  22. Jannah, said , "This is not about culture. This is about finding your soulmate, your backbone who will never

    do zulm to you. Who will die for you."

    I say if you find someone willing to "die for you" , I'd run like the wind away from him. Truly our living, our dying our prayers and our sacrifice should all be for Allah the Lord of the worlds. Allah test some of us by means of others. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or life on this earth. All marriages come with trials. I wouldn't recommend anyone advise any woman to look for a so called "soul mate." What is that anyway? - just an often repeated word that sound good.


  23. Hi Lamees (Wael) how are you and your sitution now?
    I am in a similar position in many aspects and dissimilar in others but in total shock at the moment and researching everything to try to understand the two sides of this problem.
    Did you accept or resolve your problems? I am English and have been married very happily to an Egyptian for 10 years. I am not muslim although I respect nearly everything and continue to learn a lot through his religion. I can not have children and he accepted this initially. He has now changed his mind and wants a second wife to have a child although he reassures me he doesn't want to lose me. You know the rest of the story.
    I am also a professional, have paid all the bills here and contributed a significant amount to a property in Egypt. I love and so far have trusted my husband and believe he loves me but have told him he has now to make his decision and choice because I can not live in a poygamous realtionship. I am awaiting his response but the subject has not come up again. I am fascinated to know how you have coped. Whatever has happened I hope you are now happy, proud and confident.

  24. I am interested in marrying a muslim women who is facing infertility or divorce /difficulty due to infertility . I am 50 years old business man .

  25. If your husband truly loves you and wants a child with you, then, he would have accepted the in vitro fertilization. It's not in the Koran that artificial fertilization is illegal. Accepting polygamy will cost . Could you imagine yourself paying for somelse's kids. Plus, there are plenty of other men ou there. If your husband sleeps with another woman without your consent then he has already committed sin in his heart and with God. Remember that you are still young and can have a family of your own.

  26. SA Could the administrator of this site please find a way to connect all of us who are going through the same problem? IT would most likely be a relief to those of us who have no one else to talk to about this and we could commiserate with each other and hopefully find some relief with each other. As Americans we need this tremendously. Thank you.

  27. Salaam
    Im sorry but i dont think alot of ppl here would like wat im saying
    Im frm the uk born and bred,
    As a muslima i cant deny wat Allah has made halal even if it goes against our emotions and feelings, we forget emotions are temporary it wont be good to make a decision based on emotions Allah SWT made polygamy halal, and we cant make it haraam for men, we can only remind dem dat dey are bound by shariah to practice being fair to all der wives,
    Allah is testing u my sister, he tests everyone in different ways the stronger the test the greater the reward, have patience i know its easier said dan done try and think calmly esp abt divorce would it be something easier than staying married to him? Dont let emotion get in the way of ur decision.
    Having children is the right of both husband and wife and althoit sounds harsh but he is well within his rights to try and have a child in a islamic manner, he is seeking halal means ie a marriage
    Put ur trust in Allah, and seek his guidance
    May Allah make it easy for u sister

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