Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants a separation because he is bored

Divorced couple split in twoI have been married for 2 years, once our daughter was born my husband started seeing and speaking to other women and it's been like that for year now, we left the country to see if it will help and it did, but when we went back home for a couple of days he started again.

He says he is bored with our marriage, he says there is nothing wrong with me, am a great wife and a great mum, he says am better than most but maybe not for someone like him, he wants to have a separation to see what he wants.

Bare in mind this is his third marriage in under 5 yrs, he's been divorced twice the last one lasted for 6 months.

I don't want my house to be broken, I don't want my daughter to go through that.

My husband didn't grow up with a father, his father basically just had a lot of kids with different women not a great role model for my husband. Am at loss on what to do, I love him, and he can be a good husband and a great dad if he wants, I have seen it.

- Asia

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12 Responses »

  1. Ws sister. In the words of Oprah Winfrey:If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

    Looks like your hubby wants to have his cake and eat it. Give him an alternative. Either he should shape up or ship out. Remind him that anyone can make a baby for the fun of it but it takes a real man to be a father and a husband. Remind him also that a real man doesn't love a million different women but loves his woman in a million different ways.

    If he can't be the kind of man he should be then he's not worth having around. Cut your losses and move on.

  2. May I ask what on Earth lead you to believe that a man that has failed at two marriages, and looking into his third marriage, in less than 5 years is an ideal man for you to marry and have kids with?

    I'm asking, because nowhere in this universe is it normal for a person to get married and divorced three times in such a short time frame - didn't it cross your mind that there might be something seriously wrong with this man before you decided to marry him?

    Please don't convince yourself that this man is a good husband ("when he wants to be" - which he clearly doesn't want to be, by the sounds of your letter). Maybe you should just accept that you have married a man that's exactly like his father, accept your mistake in choosing a terrible man as your husband, and focus on raising your daughter into a young woman that makes better marital decisions than you do.

    I'm not going to advice you to work on your marriage, because your husband has already asked for a separation, and I personally think begging someone to stay with you when they tell you they don't want you is the lowest form of self disrespect you can subject yourself to.

  3. I actually disagree with the above (2 posters). Now my reasoning for disagreeing with them both Is as follows.

    1) You stated your husband has had 2 failed marriages In such a short time span (5 years If I recall), but do you know the reasons those marriages failed In the first place? Now I'm not asking you to "Take your husbands word for It as for the reason those marriages failed", but am wondering have you had any contact with his previous spouses? If not, than for all you know those marriages could've ended on a term that was agreeable to both parties (I know, kinda far fetching) but still plausible, correct?

    Now onto the husband himself, I'd like to ask, does he provide for you and your child? Is/Was he loving and attentive to your needs prior to you becoming pregnant and blessed with a daughter? Was he always by your side? Now If the answers to my questions are yes, and he's done a "360" (Since you've had your daughter), than sister (With the up most respect), without (Inquiring on your martial relations), did something change prior to you "Becoming pregnant" to after "Giving birth"? I realize as a parent that relationships/marriages must work around a " New born/Infant" and that "You the Mother" will be "Tired out and exhausted", that Is true, but these are the things that "Your husband and you must work out amongst each-other".

    My point Is this, If prior to you and your husband having your daughter, had a "Adventurous relationship" (This doesn't mean In the bedroom) but a "Fun out going relationship where you did everything together" but after the birth of your daughter "You/The Mother were now also splitting your time with your child" (As you should be doing) than It just seems that your, husband hasn't come to either "Terms or hasn't figured a way to get you back to the old/fun out going person that he remembers and wants you to be".

    Again, many things could be the cause of this, and for all I know, this man, Is (As the 2 above posters stated) and In that case you shouldn't have to deal with that, and it's his loss. Yet If the problem Isn't severe and can be handled In a "Islamic/Diplomatic manner" that by all means, you should first see that "Diplomatic/Islamic avenue", correct?

    Now again, my best advice would be for you to look over your marriage with him, prior to you conceiving your daughter, and after conceiving your daughter and evaluate on "What Is causing him to be acting In such a manner", If "You've changed" than It's his "Means of seeking attention" (Which Is childish) or It could be his means of a "Test" as he wants you to "Want him".

    Allah knows best.

    Yet I would seriously sit down with him and talk to him and find out "What It Is that Is making him like this".

    I mean, If a women Is doing her, motherly duties+Taking care of the house+Taking care of other business (In a manner which Is appealing to her husband) and the husband Is taking care of the wife In a manner which Is appealing to her, than that really Is an excellent marriage, and too get to such a marriage "Both Parties need to communicate", without communication you have a lack of communication and a break-down In the marriage.

    • Salam,

      You are right in saying marriage needs communication but you missed the point of what the husband is doing and its a serious problem. He's talking to and seeing other women while he's MARRIED and has a CHILD. He may be providing for her, but he's not there being a faithful husband and father. Instead of communicating, he does this act instead.

      A marriage is not always going to be adventurous and such. It's like a roller coaster especially with children involved. What's the point in having a marriage if you just wanna have fun? It's very irresponsible in having 3 marriages within this short time frame. If the first one or two didn't work out for whatever circumstance and wasn't his fault, then wouldn't the smart thing to do is wait a little more time instead of marrying again for the 2nd or 3rd time?

      It takes two to tango. If she does things for him to not be boring, then he must do things for her as well.

    • To be honest, however way you twist and turn the two-divorces-and-looking-into-a-third-marriage-in-less-than-5-years thing, there isn't one single positive or understandable angle to it. Either he has commitment issues or he has a pathological pattern of making extremely dumb and desperate decisions. Either way, it wouldn't be the kind of man I'd want to marry, or that I'd want for anyone I care about to marry.

      So, essentially, it reeeally doesn't matter why this man has been married and divorced 3 times in less than 5 years.

      • Well Said Lindita. I think the girl should divorce her ' mentally retarded' husband with a huge divorce settlement and alimony to the extent that he becomes bankrupt. By doing so, he will learn a lesson for playing with the lives of others.

  4. Your husband is not "husband material". Two failed marriages and one on the rocks within five years? It is better to divorce and have a working parenting relationship than for your daughter to grow up with you miserable and your husband doing whatever with whom ever he wants. Marriages work and sometimes people are not compatible and people divorce. Your daughter can learn that or she can learn that marriage is hell, you will be miserable and men cheat and lie. Don't waste any more time on this player loser sinful man. Instead of asking about what to do, consider asking about where you can get a good lawyer. For the record, if you are in the US, many states have legal centers, legal programs and if you are non-working or on a low income, you might be eligible to receive free legal services. If your husband agrees to make child support payments, give you some kind of settlement, take it and move on. If you are not working, start looking for a full-time job with benefits. Start to live within your means. It is not easy and can be a bit difficult. But living with someone who does not want you is horrible, and bad for your health.

  5. Sister, you ARE getting a divorce. No doubt. Accept it and start planning your life. Sorry.

  6. He is someone that can't stick to one woman- married or have a one-on-one relationship. It's a disease and he is following his father's foot steps. You don't want you daughter to be exposed to that.

    I have Muslim male relatives and family friend's that have openly said they don't see themselves being married because they will have a hard time sticking with one woman for the rest of their lives when they can be with multiple women. It's truly sad and these guys have good parents and role models but it's the environment they grew up in outside the home.

  7. Sorry to hear about this. It doesn't seem like there's much you can do. I hope things work out for you. Salam.

  8. The red flag for you should have been the two divorces!

  9. " he wants to have a separation to see what he wants."

    What about that statement do you not understand?

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