Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband wants revenge after divorce

"Can I ask Allah to have my revenge on him?"

"I have repented, but he still wants to use it against me"

Very soon after my marriage, I realised that my husband was not the man that I had thought him to be. I had hoped that he would be someone who strengthened my deen, while having a deep faith I was lax in my daily practice. I hoped that by marrying this man my own practice would be strengthened and that our future family life and children's upbringing would be strongly guided by Islamic principles.

He turned out to be a shallow, callous man. While going through the motions of performing his daily salah, he worked on systematically belittling me and destroying my self esteem.  What his motivations were I am not sure- one thought is that the man is in fact a closet denial himself. His marriage to me and the subsequent birth of our daughter in effect gave him a cover for his own insecurities. In the eyes of society he no longer had to fear being exposed, afterall he was now a family man.

In the early years of our marriage I was young naive and did not understand what I had done to deserve such callous treatment. I was terribly lonely and hurt. Although doing well in my career and loving my young child, I was an empty shell of a person.

Very unhappy I decided to go abroad for post studies with my child....largely in fact intent on leaving him and resolute on obtaining a divorce.My parents opposed this and he joined me, the callous treatment continued and intensified. As my child hold became older she also became a target for his misbehaviour.

I regret to say that a dear friendship with an old childhood friend,who offered me sympathy and advise became more than it should have.. We very briefly (for a few weeks) and with much  misgiving on both sides  became romantically involved. Since ending it we have never contacted oneanother

My husband discerned a difference in my demeanour, perhaps I appeared stronger, less tolerant of his behaviour, accused me of having an affair. I denied it....

My question is 'yes I wholeheartedly know that I have transgressed and am praying everyday for forgiveness- there is no excuse for it.... However, why does it seem that my transgression should absolve my husband of his mid deeds. In part , and I do not want to make excuses, his treatment of me led to me feeling so unhappy that I sought solace elsewhere.

I have finally left him, particularly for the welfare of my child. In  retaliation he is threatening to expose what he suspects. I deeply fear what impact this could have on my child. Alham du lillah she has developed into a young teenager with a real love if the deen, and her practice and knowledge, and clear faith has helped to strengthen my own.


Some words of comfort and guidance would be much appreciated







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11 Responses »

  1. Dear sister ,

    Regarding your below question ,I am putting my views
    Why does it seem that my transgression should absolve my husband of his mid deeds

    1)First you have accused him for being homosexual .Was he really Homosexual ? In case if was not then it will go as serious accusation .

    2)You went to abroad studies with your daughter by leaving him behind in home country ? As a husband he has allowed you to go ? If NO then you have crossed some boundaries .
    If you say he was CRUEL husband and don't deserves to be asked then you should have settled the issue FIRST and got divorced FIRST and move to other country .

    3)Was he really bad father or its just your allegations ? If he was at least an average father then it was wrong from your side to keep him away from her daughter .You says her father was bad influence to her but what is your own influence on her ? Your own character of extramarital affair with other man despite getting married had good influence on her ? Think about that .

    4)Good that you are changing your self ,Divorce is fine if you cant stay with him but keeping your daughter away from real father is also cruel thing . How much bad he is subjective now considering your own transgression.

    5)Do sincere Tauba and dont bother about your husband's revenge act .If you make good relation ship with Allah then things will be solved insha allah .

    • Critic: First you have accused him for being homosexual .Was he really Homosexual ? In case if was not then it will go as serious accusation .

      She said "What his motivations were I am not sure- one thought is that the man is in fact a closet denial himself."

      This is what she thinks based on his sexual and nonsexual behavior towards her and/or with men in general. I don't think she told any one that her husband his a homosexual.

      Only a person with low self esteem can belittle others and try to hurt them.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Nobody deserves to be treated cruelly, and if you had concerns for the welfare of yourself and your child, you were within your rights to request divorce.

    Each of us is accountable for our actions, so your transgression is yours, and his transgressions are his - one doesn't cancel out or excuse the other. Alhamdulillah you have realised you acted inappropriately and are taking steps to repent. He still had no right to treat you cruelly. Some people in this dunya may view it as one sin excuses the other, but we are told in Islam that we are each responsible for the actions we choose, and stand alone before Allah to account for them.

    With regards his threats to expose what he suspects, bear in mind that he doesn't have any evidence - even if he were to start telling people, when they ask "where's your proof?" he won't have any. Some people may be interested in his backbiting, but more people will disregard it, as he cannot back up what he is claiming. If you are challenged about it, you can simply say that you are not interested in discussing the matter or engaging in gossip, and walk away.

    Make sure that you and your daughter are safe and have the support you need. If he is not a danger to her, then he has rights to see and communicate with your daughter, but the priority has to be her wellbeing - if contact would be harmful to her, then it may be best to arrange supervised or limited contact only.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • Poorly constructed and one-sided comment. Atleast the first two comments addressed the important points.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        I'm not sure what your concern is.

        The sister has requested divorce due to feeling concerned about her safety and her daughter's welfare. Women have the right to ask for divorce if they have a valid reason.

        She acknowledges that she has committed a sin. But her sin doesn't mean someone else's sins get cancelled out. We are all accountable for our own choices and actions. So, she shouldn't worry about whether he will be held accountable or what gossip might get said - instead, she should focus on her own repentance and on making sure she and her daughter have appropriate support, while respecting his rights to have access to his daughter.

        Midnightmoon editor

      • How is the comment "one-sided"?

    • AaA was banned. See post:

      I don't see an issue with replying to other people's comments, but he has never offered his own advice. Instead, 99.9% he criticizes posts made by females which then generate negativity and depict his own insecurities. I don't see how it is, in the least bit, productive when this is a repetitive behaviour.

  3. Don't worry about him exposing you. Remember Allah is the best of all planners. Allah swt conceals our faults and your ex can threaten you but without the will of allah he cannot expose you. Protect yourself and repent sincerely inshallah and ask allah swt to hide what you did. You have nothing to be afraid of

  4. Read the post again to understand question properly as your answer doesn't make sense.
    You didn't grasp what she is trying to tell.

  5. OP: In retaliation he is threatening to expose what he suspects. I deeply fear what impact this could have on my child.

    How much does your husband know? Your fear is BASED on what you know. Your husband would have told you what he knew, if knew some thing. Relax and move on.

  6. Sister

    Salamalaykom, if u know u can make it work for the sake of allah swt
    With ur husband, with u being the one to lead and b the muslim
    Role model, and keeping ur sin between u and our merciful
    Creator Allah swt, then do it for the sake of Allah swt and ur repentance
    BUT if u know there is no hope , or it will make u less in faith and practice,
    And ur husband does not pray or fear Allah swt, then u gettn divorced
    Is something only u can decide

    Give it time, and make ur decision that pleases Allah swt

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