Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband was involved in drugs and crime – but he says he’s changed now…

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

He's broken my trust - I don't know if this can be repaired.

Salaam walaykum. I've caught a stressful and serious my marriage,to stay or to walk away...

I've been married for 5 years now, and have a son. The problem is I feel my hubby and I are incompatible.

I found out after I met him, most his friends were not Muslim, and actually criminal in a way. My hubby once got incarcerated for bank fraud and possession of wires and equipment, but he assured me that he  was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He got out, and yes I believed him. He'd smoke weed sometimes, and I'd ask him about why - he said he'd stop and it's just recreational.

A year into marriage our son was born. He got yet again involved with gangster friends, and also even started taking part in substance abuse. I was unfamiliar with that kind of situation but I suspected something was not right. I spoke to him about it and even our families. He agreed that we'd move in with family, as they had space and accommodation in their yard for us so he could mend his ways and get away from the environment that had such a bad influence on him.

I thought things were ok, as he started praying and seemingly getting back on track. But one day I got called by the cops about  an incident of stealing he was involved in. I spoke to him about it, I was seriously disappointed. A few weeks after that I found out he was still on drugs, I yet again called an extended family meeting. We came to an agreement that he'd be rehabilitated and I should separate from him until he was ok, because even physically he had deteriorated.

I did that, but he soon gave in to that habit and ran away back to where he lived with the bad influences. After a few months he came back, at this time he had lost his job and even finished all his package money, and asked for forgiveness. I took him back, only because of my son, for him to have a family that is intact - other than that I just do not wanna be with him.

So I've been reunited with him but see him so differently now. I distrust him completely, dislike him, and actually feel angry at myself for getting back with him. I just feel I'm just settling for mediocre, as now he is unemployed, not educated and just.... really not that motivating. On my side, I obtained my degree regardless of the mess he put me through and I'm now earning a small income.

I've lost all respect for him and wonder if I made the right decision by taking him back. Is my son enough reason for me to stay? Will my hubby go back to his ways or has he really changed now? And I know for a fact that I don't love him. Our conversations can't come together, our worlds are just so different... I've been contemplating asking for khula, but I think about my son. But something in my heart is telling me to call it quits, as it told me on my wedding day not to go ahead, cos history has a tendency of repeating itself. On the other hand he has been praying, reading quran, and trying to be good, but I look in his eyes and just don't trust him any more.

Please advice me on this one, it's really eating me up and has had me highly confused and as a result I'm always unhappy, this causes me to just be short temperd with him and that is not allowed in Islam, as he is my hubby.


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5 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    It makes sense that your husband would come back when he lost his job and all the money he had. That is completely expected.

    No, your son is not reason enough to take him back. In fact, I think you are damaging your son's upbringing by allowing your husband access to him for obvious reasons.

    If you husband is truly serious, he will work hard, get a job, get a place, enrol in classes to help with his addictions and basically do anything to set the record straight for his son. Why doesn't he do that for his son---and the reason he isn't is because the drugs and his lifestyle are blinding him--and he is very selfish.

    I do not think you should financially support him in any way--as you would really be enabling him--and you are basically teaching your son that he should grow up to be like his father and that is acceptable.

    I also think you should seek counselling for how to cope with this situation. It would be very draining and emotional--so you need extra support.

    May Allah swt ease your pain and help you through this very difficult time, Ameen. May Allah swt protect your son and raise him to be among the best Muslims, Ameen.

    • Very adept response, mashallah. This man is using her and standing as a poor influence for their son. InshAllah such a supportive family can help the sister get on her own feet while she separates from this disaster case of a man.

      I pray that the actions of the father do not influence the son in any way in the future. Ameen.

  2. Be very careful sister, drug addicts have been known to steal and even commit violent crimes to get access to drugs. If you have only a small income to support you, I doubt you can afford to be robbed by your druggie husband.

  3. Assalaamu Alaykum,

    Sometimes we think because we made istikhara and got a positive result to marry someone, that means that we are supposed to always stay married to them no matter what. That it means Allah always wants us with that person. Sometimes that's true, but sometimes that is not. In the course of life, things change and people make choices that can affect what could've been a different outcome.

    When a couple marries, the woman is given to the man as a trust by Allah. The man is responsible for treating that trust with care and protection. It's a test for him, and he can pass it or fail it. When he fails, the game changes. The woman's rights have been denied, and when that happens it is considered exceeding the limits Allah has placed. That is wrong, and if someone does not truly repent for their wrongs (which usually includes some degree of changing from the old choices that caused them to err to begin with), they can lose the barakah and the trust they were given before.

    I think in your case you need to make istikhara again. Your husband has failed you in many ways, repeatedly, over a lengthy course of time. There is nothing compelling you to continue to blindly trust him based on that track record. Even a hadith advises us to take care not to be bitten twice by reaching in the same snake hole.

    I suggest you initiate a separation before you decide for something more permanent. Put space between you and him. Ask him to live somewhere else, or you go stay somewhere else. Only agree to resume living together if he makes the changes you expect and maintains them over a satisfactory period of time (months, not weeks). If I were you, I would place a number of conditions on him to fulfill- such as rehab, counseling, employment, and whatever else you feel is appropriate. If he fails, you can know that perhaps he is not willing nor capable of giving you and your son what you both deserve. Then you can re-evaluate where you feel Allah is leading you at that time.

    Be aware that if there is potential for him to get better, it's going to take a while to demonstrate that. You didn't see this pattern as clearly as you do now except over several years. It may take a couple years for you to be convinced that he is away from the destructive habits. If you don't feel you can or want to wait that long to know for sure, then ask Allah to show you clearly what the reality is with him, and to guide you to what is best for you and your son.

    Finally, I just want to say that so many of us grow up with dreams of having kids and remaining in an intact family. So many of us didn't have that or saw a lot of broken homes with our peers. The reality is, the chances of a child growing up to adulthood in an intact family is less likely than it ever was. Many kids grow up as products of divorce or other difficulties. It's a reality that isn't likely to change any time soon, but it doesn't mean we should despair. Humans are highly resiliant, and we've weathered all kinds of cultural and social changes that have impacted us negatively. We re-shuffle our norms and expectations and move forward, and your son will be able to do the same, in shaa Allah. The most important thing you can give your son- whether you stay or go- is a strong faith in Allah and knowledge of how to worship him. Focus your time and energy on that and you will be giving him a coping skill he can rely on no matter what happens with his father.

    -Amy Editor

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