Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband’s family ignores me…

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My husband's family ignores me and my attempts at building a relationship with them.  He doesn't seem to recognize that his family's behavior is not proper.  He says that people are busy and I need to try harder, that I'm too sensitive, that I'm the one with the need to be on better terms with them so I need to be the one to work for it or that as the newest member of the family (7 years), it is my responsibility to befriend everyone.

He thinks it is perfectly normal that his younger brothers & sister-in-laws (SILs) tell friends when they are coming to town but not us.  We hear from others about their lives.  The 2 brothers are close but don't reach out to us via email, text, or phone.  They don't respond to my emails or texts.  For Eids, we call them, they never call us.

When they are in town (twice a year), we visit them at his parents house and they are all busying doing whatever they are doing and do not talk to us so we end up sitting in the living room by ourselves, or playing with their kids, while his brothers and sister-in-laws spend time on computer or on their phones. Or they may sit in the living room with us but texting friends.  He'll have a little bit of a conversation about current events with his family while they completely ignore me even when I try to participate in the conversation.  One would think that these people just don't have social graces but they act friendly and conversational with friends and extended family.

Is this normal behavior to not talk with someone?  Could someone be so busy that they can't spare an hour to sit down with eldest brother and bhabi?  I thought with time, things would change but even after 7 years, no one talks to me and ignores my attempts at joining in the conversation.  I'm educated, well read, conversational and have many interesting things to talk about.

This isn't normal, is it?



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8 Responses »

  1. No dear its not normal but i think you are definitly overreacting.

    you sound really desperate and thats annoying to them .i guess. i mean why do you desperatly want to spent time with them , if you see they are not interessted??? dont you have a life of your own??? dont you have friends??

    i think its time to make some friends. if you see his family is not interessted to talk to you stop stalking (email,calls)them dear, no one said you should even meet them. next time just dont go and dont meet them , or if you do have to go, get your phone out and be "busy" on your phone, since you cant force people to talk to you and its annoying!! i mean why do you even care??let them live their lives and you get a life of your own........

  2. Dear Sister,

    Fist of all be thankful to Allah that you are in such a good position. As you might have read questions on this site from so many other sisters who are in such a bad position that they live together with their in laws and constantly have to deal with abuse (both verbal and physical abuse) from their side. But they suffer and stay because of the children or for some other reason. May Allah make it easy for them.

    Whatever good deeds we do , we do for the sake of Allah and not for getting anything in return. If we get something back for our good behavior then good, if we don't get any good behavior even then good and we continue to do the good deeds.

    We have to change the perspective. Think of, you trying to keep good terms with your husbands family as good deeds and Inshallah Allah will reward you for that abundantly in the akhira.

    I think your expectations as a big bhabhi of the family was higher and your husbands family haven't lived upto your expectations. Maybe you have already accused them of being unfriendly or maybe they can feel your negative energy and negative attitude when you meet them. Hence they try and keep away from you to avoid further damage in the relationship. If you be friendly with them without expecting anything in return there is a good chance the situation will change. After some months/years they might feel more comfortable towards you and open up more, but untill then you have to keep trying for the sake of Allah.

    Perhaps there might had been some issues with you or with your husband in the past. Or they might have had some problem with your husband before he married you, so they don't want to be friendly with you as well since you are his wife. But it's wrong to just doubt about someone, it's better you clear that with your husband and if he says they didn't have any issues then believe him.

    As you have very rightly come to an Islamic website for your answers I would like to quote some Hadith and hope you will take action according to Islam and not what other people say.

    Prophet Muhammad (Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) said in the Hadith that is in the books of Iman Bukhari, Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi, and Ahmad, narrated by Ibn Omar (Radhi Allahu Anhu). He said (Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) "The person who perfectly maintains the ties of kinship is not the one who does it because he get recompense by his relative. But the one who truly maintains the bonds of kinship is the one who persist in doing so, even though others have severed the ties of kinship with him".

    The Prophet (Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) also said reported by Imams Ahmad, Abu Dawud, At-Tirmithi, and Ibn Majah, "There is no sin that Allah (S.W.T.) more readily inflicts the punishment for in this life, in addition to what Allah (S.W.T.) keeps as punishment for the sinner in the Hereafter, than the sin of transgression and cutting off relations with relatives."

    There is a hadith of the Prophet (Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) that was reported by Imams Ahmad and (Muslim in similar words) when a man came to him and said, O messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I keep good relations, but they cut off relations with me, I forgive them, but they oppress me, I do good to them, but they treat me badly, should I get even with them (treat them as bad as they treat me)? The Prophet (Salla Allahu Alaihi Wa Sallam) replied: "No, If you do so all the relations will be cut off this way. On the contrary, be generous and keep in touch with them, you will always have support from Allah as long as you stay this way."

    And the most important thing of all is dua. Keep making dua that Allah puts love in all of your hearts towards each other. Allah is the one under whose control are all the hearts of this world, so ask Allah and be sure that your dua will be responded one day.

    May Allah bless you with Peace and Happiness.

  3. Dear sis
    I don't understand why you are worried about your in laws not talking to you much. Does it really matter?
    I don't understand why you would force yourself on them to talk to you, You should give salam then ignore them too if they talk to you that's fine otherwise leave it be. Don't go around trying to bend backwards in order for them to talk to you. Your happiness lies with your husband as long as his good to you that's all that matters. If your husband doesn't really think there is a problem then you shouldn't worry either.
    These days ignorance is a bliss.
    Please get a life of your own and make friends and keep busy in your own working career.As long as your husband is okay with you, doesn't matter what your bhabhis or brother in laws say or think.
    Personally I think the more you try the more they play up and become more ignorant. I'm sure there is more to life then chasing after unpleasant useless people. Families which don't value you are People and people who don't talk to us , we ignore, because they mean nothing.
    Sometimes I think some in laws are just full of themselves, too much power big headed people. Salam is ones duty to say as every Muslims greets each other, then after that it doesn't really matter whether what happens.
    Just be happy love and enjoy your life without stress from your in laws, as in laws will do your head in when trying to figure them out.
    Stay happy stay blessed and stay close to your husband and may Allah bless you Ameen.

  4. Salams Sis,

    I am going through the same problem as you so I definetely wanted to comment on your post. I've not been married as long (3 yrs) but the in-laws have not really treated me right from the beginning. I dont live in the same city as the in-laws but recently, I went to see them in their hometown. The first people I went to see was them, with gifts even and his mum just totally ignored me. All she did was talk to her son, regardless of the fact that I came to see her from far away. I never been so ashamed and hurt in my life.

    Till this very day, I remember everything thats happened between them and me, but you know what sis, I realised I just dont care anymore. I do what I can- I called them on Eid, wished them and just talked normally. My in-laws could have been much worse and alhamtillah, Im blessed with a husband who doesnt listen to them or demand that I talk to them regurlarly.

    So sis, Im telling you from experience that you worrying, stressing and complaining to your husband isint gonna take you anywhere. No matter what, its his family and hes gonna fight for them till the end. Learn to realise the positives and live your life. Greet them as you usually do, wish them well, do good to them and if they ignore you, just remain quiet. Insha'Allah, a time will come when they realise your worth. Remember, Allah will ask you about the actions you did and Allah will question them on the wrong they did.

    I hope you come to realise the goodness in all this and always remember, life is a journey. Some people are not worth giving all the attention. I wish you all the happiness. May Allah increase the love between you and your husband and ease your difficulties. Ameen.

  5. Consider this a blessing in disguise sister 🙂 usually in laws destroy households by interfering too much into people's lives. Just let them be. So far you reaching out to them and trying to connect hasn't really helped, so now do the opposite, focus on yourself, your husband and your marriage. I'm sure you have other friends and family who you can socialise with if your in laws don't want to communicate with you. I can understand that you want to be a part of the family, I know it can hurt when your ignored but to be honest you seem to have so many othet good things going for you why would you want to keep wasting time on people who don't seem to care?
    Personally I think enjoy your life, be amicable with your in laws , there's no harm in texting/calling them on eid or other special occasions even if they don't, it just shows your the bigger person but don't do beyond that. If they don't want you involved then that's fine, you don't have to put any effort into it and don't have to feel guilty about it. Enjoy your life and spend good quality time with your husband 🙂

  6. Slms Uzzie,

    No its not you, they are just darn right rude!!! There is no other explanation, the fact that you call them for EID and they cant reciprocate tells me that they are a bunch of uncouth people!!! Stop trying so hard and let it be, have your own friends and enjoy your own family(your mum and dad brothers or sisters), there's not much more you can do, and your husband needs to stop telling you that you need to work harder, that is just madness, you make yourself happy, and if they ignore you when you around them, then keep yourself busy, I had the same issues with my in laws, the problem is we try so hard that they end up walking all over us, so now I see them when they call me I don't go out of my way, and guess what... I'm treated like a madam... don't look for acceptance... let it be, you occupy yourself, I found when I was in your position I would always be the one washing the dishes and keep busy.... don't let them stress you, if they don't want to tell you that they are in town, take it as it is there loss not yours!!! and smile all the time because you know you are a better person!
    Take care sweetie

    • I love your response 😉 and second that,

      Sister don't chase after them but remain civil, try and meet some sisters maybe at the local masjid and let them enjoy and appreciate you and all of which you have to give,

      As horrible as your situation is, spare a thought for all those sisters who would wish to live on a different PLANET to their in laws, and count your blessings my sister,

      I bet your amazing company, not everyone appreciate little gems like you 🙁 but inshallah busy yourself with people who do 🙂

      Make lots of dua to Allah to bless with you with company and don't forget to thank him for saving you from the nightmare that in laws can be...

      I hope inshallah your situation resolves soon

  7. Assalamualikum
    My Inlaws also only talk n keep relation with my husband and children's. I do their every work all house work cooking cleaning etc. but I feel I m only for this at home. I m not involved in any family or financial decision . But for this my Inlaws involve n follows my sister in law( my husband's sister ) though she is married. I feel so alone n sad. Plus my elder brother in law live separate. My Inlaws parents live with me.But they always comes at my home for thier vacations that time also I was treated as if I m nothing. My brother in laws'S wife also ignores me and my children. She talks when my Inlaws parents or my husband is infront. But when we are alone she totally ignores me n my kids , never talks to me at all. I always tried to maintain healthy relation with her it she never ever welcomes me to do so. I had complaint about her so many times to my husband my in laws but they think I m only wrong they shout to me only . I feel so alone n upset. That what I do , why people behaves like this with me. But my brother in laws'S wife doesn't treat this way with my sister in law. In fact my sister in law are so close to her. They do thier every plan together. I always tries to mix with them but they together avoid me. N they create disruption in front of my husband that I m arrogant and I only had fault in me.
    When my brother in laws family goes back I feel so frustrated . At night I suddenly wake up, can't sleep, I only think why why why I m treated like this? What's my fault, if they have any problem to me why they don't clear it. I also asked them directly but I wasn't given any answer .
    Please someone suggest me what I do so that I don feel sad and I don't wake suddenly at night ,

    Also one thing my parents Inlaws are also have lots of good feelings caring to my brother in laws wife, I appreciate this but I want they have same feelings for me also.

    They always do backbitting of me with them. I caught them do many times . N asked why? But again I was given feeling that I m bad , I only have problem?

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