Islamic marriage advice and family advice

The man I wanted is marrying someone else; was it divine destiny?

Heartbroken, broken heart



I met a Muslim man at a social event at the end of last year and he wanted to get to know me. At first I did not give him much attention and rejected him as I did not know him well and I was scared about his intentions. After a few weeks, he mentioned that he is looking for a wife. I slowly got to know him at some social events and felt he was right for me. I decided I wanted to get to know him more and we arranged to meet.

However, the day we were supposed to meet, I got sick and had to cancel. I was sick for a couple of weeks and could not meet. When I tried to arrange another time to meet him, he made an excuse and stopped contacting me. I later found out that he had met another Muslim girl in that time and now they are getting married. Before I heard they were getting married, I did dua that he would become interested in me again but it did not work.

I keep thinking that if I had not gotten sick or if I had got to know him from the start instead of delaying things, he would have chosen me. I know I should not have regrets but I am 32 and unmarried, and feel my time to have children is running out. I have met some other Muslim men since then, but none of them are interested in marriage. I feel like I have missed my chance as this man was ready for marriage. I have done dua for many years for a good Muslim husband but it has not happened.

Did I get sick because it was predestined that this man would meet the other woman and they would get married? What should I do to stop being depressed and feeling like my chance at marriage has slipped away because of my own actions?


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9 Responses »

  1. Alsalam mu Alaikum sister.I really fell sad for you for losing this big chance.But if you knew this man wants to marry you u could have told him to come and meet your father and ask your hand in marriage in the way of islam instead of making this meeting you could have not losen this chance.But you have done a mistake by making this arrangement to meet each other because you are still non-mehrams to each other as you both are not married yet. i thick this the reason why you fall ill on that day because you were about to do a sin.I really fell bad for you for losing your chances of marriage and the age is passing by please try to ask Allahs forgiveness and always pray for Allah to help you and choose for you a good husband.& inshallah i will be praying for you too.& may Allah accept your prayers & bless you.

  2. Sister there is no point 'what-if'ing.
    It is shaytaan that is making you think this way to upset you. So dont let him win on this one InshaAllah.
    You and this guy were not meant to be. It is as simple as that. You got ill, you couldnt change that so please dont ask yourself 'what-if.'. Do not blame yourself either, if you and him were meant to marry your getting ill would not have been an obstacle. Likewise if you were not meant to marry, your full availability and lack of obstacles would not cause you to marry. Its not your fault.

    Trust in Allah in this one. I know it hurts but with time InshaAllah you'll move on. There are plenty of other brothers out there and InshaAllah once you have healed a bit then continue your search. Just avoid meeting guys without a mahram present for your own protection. And of course stop contact with this brother if you still have contact. Also if you search in a manner which is pleasing to Allah InshaAllah He will bless your marriage and make it easier for you. Do not panic about marriage. It is better to get it right a bit later than rush and marry Mr wrong.

    Recite this dua regularly:

    "Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A'yunin waj'alna lil-muttaqina imama."

    "Our Lord! grant us in our mates and offspring the joy of our eyes and make us patterns for those who guard against evil." (25:74)

    I pray that Allah swt gives you the best spouse.

    Sara Editor

  3. Salam
    I dont know whether this would be convincing bu sister

    Whatever happens , happens for good

  4. Dear Sister,
    Its really funny to read your line that you lost the chance because of your own actions,you didnt get sick because of your own will,it was by Allah...
    And if that men really liked you and wanted to get married he could have waited for u atleast for a month,if he was so eager he would have tried to contact your family,i think he was really not interested he planned for the marriage so soon for the reason he could blame you...dont feel depressed you deserve a better person than him...whatever Allah does is for our Good,he was not made for you thats an end of the story,we cant emphasise on this relation as its not in our hand...the women is made by the left rib of his husband.
    Hawwa was created from rib of Adam. Qur'an says it is Adam who disobeyed his Lord and acted ignorantly Thus Qur'an says "And Adam disobeyed his Lord, and was disappointed" (20:121)

    You are made for someone and your beauty private parts and charms are reserved for the only person that truly appreciates and loves you - your husband. The Holy Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, 'O Muslims! I command you to behave well with your wives because woman has been created from the left rib of man.

    Why to worry sister he has made a perfect partner for you pray to Allah he'll listen...
    You can recite this ayaat of quran and then pray to give you a nek loving partner.
    Allah Ta'ala says in the Noble Qur'an, 'And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them,and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in it are signs for those who ponder.
    Allah hafiz

  5. Ponder over these two hadiths inshallah.

    What Allah decreed and what He wishes will be done.
    [Muslim 4/2052]

    "And avoid using the word, "if," for that opens the door for the acts of Satan."
    Recorded by ibn al-Sunee.

    Was salaam

  6. the same thing happened to me but it is a bit worse, someone i refused went to backbite on me to discourage the brother i fell in love with. i stopped every contacts when i saw he changed his mind about me. i kept avoiding him when i learnt he was engaged. it took me months to get over with this and by pure coincidence i met him just before ramadan.

    here he was, asking why i disappeared and saying how nice it was to see me again. i didn't understand his attitude. then someone told me he postponed with the other girl.

    i spent my whole ramadan struggling to focus on my fasting and trying to not have hope again. i met him two weeks ago, again it was pure hazard, i didn't even look at him, just answered to his salam and fled.

    i keep asking Allah to help me, to help me forgetting him since he's not for me. i keep asking Allah to help me to be patient till He sends me the one that's right for me. but i'm 39 and about to turn 40.

    it's impossible to describe the state of suffering that is mine. i've been wanting to get married and have my own family for 19 years. tired of making the same duas and seing time flying by, i've tried twice, marrying guys i didn't like just to protect my faith. it didn't work out.

    and here i am, nearly 40. don't even know if i can still have babies. the only brothers interested in marrying women my age are in their 50's or their 60's. otherwise, since i'm attractive i get plenty of haram propositions coming from everywhere.

    i know i'm supposed to be positive and remain a happy believer no matter what but what pleasure or purpose can you have in your life if you're an aging single muslim woman ?

    to make it even worse, i can't rely on friends or relatives, my self esteem is now so low that i'm avoiding people not to bear their judgement and comments.

    how can you remain thankful and faithful when you're looked at and feel as if you were cursed ?

    how can you worship properly Allah when you can't help crying everyday because loneliness slowly chokes you ?


    • Sister Nour,

      First of all, at age 40 yes you can still have babies. At age 42, I'm not so sure.

      Secondly, I can understand the feeling of loneliness choking you. But it is normal to feel
      lonely. Allah SWT has created us with the desire to be loved and the capacity to love others. We are not wired to live solitary lives.

      Unfortunately, that is the fate of many Muslim women. I know that is small comfort, but finding a Muslim spouse in a non Muslim country is like finding a needle in a haystack, especially since Muslim women cant "look" for a spouse but must rely on the goodwill of third parties for introductions.

      Have you tried to envision a future alone? In other words, have you tried to accept a life without a companion and children? I know that is heartbreaking, but it may make things easier. We can't fight destiny sister. I am a year older than you, and yes I've been making dua for most of my adult life too. But there comes a time when we have to accept "what is". You were not destined to spend your adult years with a husband. Maybe you will in the future, but this is what Allah has written for you, for now. I don't mean to give you false hope, because the reality is that most unmarried Muslim women over age 40 do not get married, but you never know. You might get married when you are 50, 60 or even 70.

      Have you thought of getting your eggs frozen?

      Try to fill the lonely hours with work, volunteering, and exercise. Get lots of sleep. Avoid scenarios that draw attention to your single status -- I find weddings, baby showers and bridal showers extremely painful now, so I usually decline invitations. And it helps. Trust me sister, the years will fly by.

      I wish you the best!

      • assalamu alaikum
        its really good to see you. I want to tell you one of the main reasons I visit this site is to read your comments and post. It is very soothing to the heart. jazakallahu khair and eid mubarak dear sister.

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