Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Khula date is very near… but must I forgive him instead?

law fiqh marriage divorce

Assalam alaykom
I am going through a difficult phase..i got married  1 and a half yrs ago ( dont have kids). i am a business woman and my husband became my business partner right after we got married. Since then he hasnt provided me even with the basic necessities most of the time. He deals with all the finances and even has my ATM card. I still live with my parents and he came over whenever he wished. We havent even had our walima yet. He has been sending money to his family who are in another city but never gave me a penny. He sold my jewellery because he needed money and abused me verbaly, physically and emotionaly often. I never told my family about it until recently when he hit me at my parents home.

My family got aware of the matter and i cut off with him completely with the mutual consent of my family. My mother called his mother to tell her the situation but she never called us back. He then started apologising after some time and my father and i decided to forgive him. We called him home and then the next day he went for a month to see his family to another city. After he went the things became worse for my business, my workers left and i had orders to be completed. I requested my workers but to no avail, surprisingly. But then what i found out was shocking!!

 he actually started talking ill with my workers about me. One of them sent me his voice recording that he wanted to kick me out of the business and completely take-over. He had a plan!! I then filed for khula as i was convinced that he wasnt trust-worthy enough to be a husband as i forgave him once but he again took me for granted.

He is now apologising again that he will never hit me, provide me with a home and fulfill my rights as a wife. He shows affection sometimes and i dont know whether its fake or has he changed. All my inlaws live in another city and are not even least bothered about the situation. We are still sharing business. I am not sure if i must forgive him ornot?The final date for my Khula decision is very near.

aishah1234


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9 Responses »

  1. Asalamu alaikum,

    All i will say sister, some men are conniving. He realized whats going to happen so now hes trying to play sweet, saying he will buy you a house and all. Thats the least of your worries. Supporting you and treating you very well is whats real important. Dont be fooled by his act.

    ma salama...

    • i agree with ahmed SOME men ARE conniving. i sugguest you take sister sumaira's advice and let that men GO! his not going to change and i am sure his just after your money, if you've heard a recording of him saying he wants to take over your money, what more evidence do you want? please sister just let him go. ur better off without him. life is alreayd hard enough you dont need a men that makes it harder for you. i wish u the best .

  2. Sister,

    It seems your husband is more concerned about running the business than he is your marriage. Make Istikhara about your decision for Khula and do what is in the best interest of you, not anyone else.

    Salam

  3. Salam Sister,

    I would like to give you some advice based on my experience. I have been their but I have kids too! In my opinion people like this don't change, no matter how many chances you give them. It looks like he was only using you for money. You are his cash machine and maybe he does not want to lose this so he wants you back?

    The same think happened with me when I threatened divorce or khula my ex husband came back crying and apologising in front of everyone (Arbitrators from both sides). He promised to treat me and kids well and fullfill all his duties. Because i loved him and had kids involved I gave him another chanced and prayed to Allah that he keeps his word. I desperately wanted him to be a good husband and father. I cried night after night for him to change and fullfill his promise to me. I so desperately wanted my marriage to work!

    The first week he was an angel. Like a changed man so affectionate and kind and my wish was his command. He treated me like a queen. I felt like I was in heaven and thanked and cried to Allah with joy. Little did I know this happiness was shortlived! The very next week all hell broke lose! He went back to his old ways! Bills not being paid, out all night! No work, no prayers, affairs and abuse towards me and kids! I was totally devastated! It felt like my whole world was crumbling again!! Then I made the decision for khula and never looked back! Some people will never change!

    So sister think carefully before giving him a chance. As others have said discuss with family and friends. My advice would be No as he has no good characteristics of a good husband in him. He has given you nothing to save this marriage for!

    If you want to give him another chance for your peace of mind so that you do not regret it later then I suggest you do it on your terms! Make demands! He needs to prove that he is sorry by his actions, words mean nothing at this point. Tell him to sign over the business in your name, buy you a house and give you full control of the finance! he has to hand over the ATM cards to you ( his aswell) you will be in full control forever. if he really cares about you and is serious to get back together then he will agree. And we're not finnished yet. Once his done that officially you will give him a chance! And he needs to sign an agreement that if he falls short of his Islamic duties as a husband and becomes abusive etc etc you have right to divorce or khula and keep the Mahar!

    These men need strict conditions to keep them in line! He needs to know you mean business! And he can't just come back and mess you around again!

    If he doesn't agree to your terms then his intentions are clear. Then go ahead with the khula. This is my opinion, as I believe you have to deal harshly with harsh people, this is the only wat they will learn! And deal kindly with kind people. and of course pray loads beforehand!

    Good luck, may Allah take you to the right decision.

  4. Wa'alaikum Salam Warahmatullahi wabarakatuh sister Aisha,

    I am sorry to know about what you are going through.

    You do not need a divorce by khul'a (in your case), because khul'a is different from the normal known divorce (which is the right of the husband). An example for a khul'a, is when you see no fault in your husband (not in his deen, nor his character), but you wanted a separation for your own personal good reasons, (or because you both have realized that you are not compatible with each other), then you will have to return the mahr he gave you, or choose to pay him an amount less/higher than the mahr he gave you (perhaps, which could enable him to remarry), and then he will divorce you by khul'a (by saying something like this to you "I have separated you from me"). Khul'a is not added to the numbers of (the three times known) divorces, even if they both marry each other again in the future.

    Allah subhanau wa ta'ala says:

    "Divorce is allowed twice. Then, either honorable retention, or setting free kindly. It is not lawful for you (husbands) to take back anything (i.e. the mahr) you have given them (i.e. your wives), unless they (both) fear that they cannot maintain Allah's limits (e.g. to deal with each other on a fair basis). If you fear that they (both) cannot maintain Allah's limits, then there is no blame on them if she sacrifices something (her mahr or part of it) for her release (khul'a). These are Allah's limits, so do not transgress them. Those who transgress Allah's limits are the unjust." (Quran 2: 229)

    Also,

    The wife of Thabit bin Qais came to the Prophet (ﷺ) and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! I do not blame Thabit for defects in his character or his religion, but I, being a Muslim, dislike to behave in un-Islamic manner (if I remain with him)." On that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said (to her), "Will you give back the garden which your husband has given you (as Mahr)?" She said, "Yes." Then the Prophet (ﷺ) said to Thabit, "O Thabit! Accept your garden, and divorce her once." (Bukhari).

    In your case sister, you have good Islamic grounds for seeking divorce from your husband, or through the Judge. However, if you trust that he will change, then you can reconcile with him, as Allah subhanah wa ta'ala says in the ayah:

    "If you fear a breach between the two (couple), appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family (to see their case, and try to counsel them). If they (both) wish to reconcile, Allah will bring them together (but if they or she insists on separation, or there are clues that indicate that the separation is best for them, then those two arbiter (apointed by the Judge will rule separation between them). Allah is Knowledgeable, Expert." (Quran 4: 35)

    Personally, I think reconciliations are for couples that had good intentions initially, but are facing troubles in their marital life, and they both are sincerely seeking for help, through counceling, and willing to change. As for your husband's case, there are some clues (regarding his initial intention), which are very concerning, which make me doubt about his ability to change in the future. For example, you wrote "he actually started talking ill with my workers about me. One of them sent me his voice recording that he wanted to kick me out of the business and completely take-over. He had a plan!!" This is extremly very serous, and you need not to neglect it blindly--you need to share it with your parents and let them think about it with you, in order to make the right decision. For indeed, what he did shows that he has an interest in your business, not in you, and that he has a plan to achieve what he wants--who knows if he could change the steps of his plans in away that, you nor your workers won't find out anymore?! In fact, this is indeed a red flag, which you need to be careful about. Don't tell me, he says, he has no interest in your business anymore, and that he will change etc etc. As sister Midnightmoon said above speak with your parents about the situation and tell them every single thing, so that they could give you the right advice, inshaAllah, and also don't forget to pray istikhara as well, inshaAllah.

    Allah knows best.

    • Masha Allah brother great advice!

      Can you tell me in the scenario when a wife goes to the judge for divorce does she have to give the mahr back when the husband is at fault??? I.e not providing, having affairs etc??

      Jazak Allah

      • Jazaakillah Khair Sister Sumaira,

        The separation in this case, is called "faskh" (annulment) by the Judge. If the marriage has not been consummated yet, then she will return only half of the mahr to the husband, but if the marriage has been consummated, she will not return the mahr, neither full nor half of it--she will take the whole mahr with her.

        Allah knows best.

  5. Assalaamualaikam

    While we should try to forgive those people who do wrong by us, we're under no obligation to sit back and allow them to continue hurting us. This guy sounds like he has been thoroughly unpleasant and abusive. In Islam, there is provision for a woman (or a man) to divorce if they have good reason, and an abusive relationship would generally be considered a very good reason.

    If you are unsure of whether you wish to give your marriage another chance, it might help to speak with your parents about the situation and see what they advise. Personally, my advice is that nobody should stay in an abusive relationship. Also, pray istikhara - trust in Allah to guide you to what is best for you and to shield you from that which is wrong for you.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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