Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My marriage is literally driving me crazy

Muslim woman in hijab

As salaamu alaikum dear muslims brothers and sister

I am 26 year old mother of one beautiful baby girl. Me and my husband have been married for 6 years.

My marriage theses past few years has had its ups and down which I'm complaining about as all marriages are not perfect, however over the years it has really gotten worst rather then better.

The first two years I notice he started to be secretive with his phone to the point where he would change his pin and take it with him everywhere including the toilet. Now I wasn't born yesterday and I know he was hiding something. I address the situation and this is when my marriage started to fall apart.

He started to verbally put me down. He would demean my character by calling me insecure and crazy and tell me it's all in my head. Now obviously him being so private with his phone did hurt me but the verbal abuse I got for simply asking him about it was worst. After a while I said what I needed to say how it made me feel and then I left it alone.

6 to 8 months later I would notice it started again with the phone issue so to save me all the hassle of his verbal abuse I checked his phone and discovered conversations between his and a former colleague. I know this because at one point we all use to work together so when I saw her picture and her name I automatically knew who she was. I was so upset to learn that he was talking to this woman but at the same time I wasn't surprised because he wasn't acting crazy over his phone for nothing. After a while I would just check and read their WhatsApp messages from time to time but not say anything to him. after almost a year of knowing this I decided to say something. The day and time I chose to talk to him I sat him down and as I was about to talk to him his phone was next to me and I saw an inappropriate picture of her pop up from his phone which alhamdulillah saved me a great deal of interrogating him because he is the time to lie and never admit anything and im the type to not argue or have awkward conversations because I don't like the bad energy honestly I can't take it. So as soon as I saw it I said who is she and why is she sending you inappropriate pictures. After a long talk of him mostly denying he talks to her or even doesn't know why she is sending him pictures it ended up him sleeping in the guest room for a week before he finally apologised and assured me he has spoken to her and called of the friendship. Along with that I decided never to look through his phone because not only did this cause me a great deal of hurt but it put me down lowered my self esteem and made me depressed. Because although I decided to stope checking his phone and asking him questions I knew it was not the end to this behaviour.

Moving on after I had our child he started to verbally abuse me. When we got into arguments he would use curse words and say horrible things about me and say I'm not a good wife. This further affected my mental state

after 4 years of marriage he started to physically assault me. Push and shove me during arguments. Try to chocke me by putting his hands around my neck and try his hardest not to chock or strangle me. He has  threatened to throw me down the stairs, threaten to beat me senseless. He would remind me of exactly what ways he can hurt me physically and tell me this is exactly what he capable of however I'm lucky he doesn't do some of the acts he can do. When I complain he would tell me that compared to other wives I should be grateful because he knows of other muslim brothers who treat their wives worst.

All this has lead me to be mentally depressed to the point where I'm finding day to day activities difficult because I'm always down and cannot function. I have become numb and don't even emotionally respond to his aggressiveness behaviour. The only time I'm truly happy and feel I can cope with things if when I'm doing things for my baby girl besides her I'm emotionally disconnected. I've always been a happy bubbly person. People use to tell me they were happy to just be around me because of my energy and how vibrant I was now all they do is ask me if I'm ok or why I'm sad. Or that I've changed.

my husband has totally broken me mentally to the point where I feel like I'm going crazy he will never change. I have spoken to him a million times and have addressed his raging behaviour/ his verbal and physical abuse to which he said he doesn't care enough to address it and he feels that it's irrelevant and he doesn't have to talk to me about those three aspects. He has also told me he will never apologise for what he does.

He also told me he is only in the house because of our daughter and makes it clear I mean nothing to him.

how can I overcome feeling this way when the man I'm married to treats me this way. I truly believe my marriage is doing me more harm then good. I was also recently given suspended leave from my job due to my mood and always feeling depressed as my job involves me dealing with clients face to face my CEO and directors felt that I was not coping well and told me to take some time of.

please advise

Rosalee

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7 Responses »

  1. Assalaamualaykum Rosalee,

    I'm so sorry to hear of the escalating emotional (threats, language, degradation) and physical abuse you are experiencing in the hands of someone who vowed to take care of you for life and be your way to Jannah.

    You write: I truly believe my marriage is doing me more harm then good.

    You are absolutely right! I think you need to seek divorce from this man and not look back. I think you are strong enough to do that, as you had the strength to write this post. Perhaps use this time away from work to start planning your future free of this abuse, and then give yourself time to heal before looking for another marriage partner who will love you and your daughter as you deserve as per Allah's instruction.

    May Allah give you peace of mind and joy,

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. Salam Sis u r a working woman and can take care of ur self and ur baby financially , why r u still with this man, it doesn't seem that u love him and he u, as u said he made the clear. This isn't a healthy environment to bring up a child in. Please consider leaving. May Allah help u.

  3. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    I completely agree with Nor and Mai, you must leave this man. He's clearly expressed and demonstrated that he has no real love for you. He's already physically assaulted you, so that won't stop. You are married to a monster that will get worse with time. His reasoning that you ought to consider yourself lucky because other brothers treat their wives worse is neither comforting nor encouraging. It is a serious red flag that worse is coming.

    You're young, so you have a full life ahead of you. Also, you are a working woman, so before his treatment of you gets you fired, leave him. You WILL REGRET staying with him, but you won't regret gaining your freedom and peace of mind by leaving him. A man like he does not deserve the blessing of a wife, much less a good one. I hope you make the right decision-leave.

    • I agree with nor, Lamar and Mai, so please sister no human being deserves to live a life of violence, so if he doesn't treat you right don't be afraid to pick up the phone and let your people know that you're no longer willing to live in the weakest of home. And your husband will surely want you back and regret and cry and be full of frustration but then it'll be too late because Islam says no to violence against women, if you continue staying there your child to will be mentally and emotionally disturbed.

    • I also feel the same what you have advised I want to know can she claim a maintenance for her and her kid
      Looking forward to get this reply
      Regards
      Sabina

      • I got married two years ago and I have a daughter, Alhamdulillah. The main problem between my wife and me is about expenses. I hope you provide us with a just answer so that I can be fair with her and myself.
        I am a clerk, my salary is 8360 SR. my wife is also a clerk and her salary is 1880 SR.
        I promised myself to save 3000 monthly for the future, after trusting Allah of course, and spend the remaining 5360.
        We are average people; I am responsible of spending on home and my daughter. My wife spends only on herself, buying clothes and gifts for her family. Her salary finishes after two weeks of taking it. I give her when her from my own salary when she finishes hers. Although her salary should be enough for her the whole month; especially that she does not spend anything on home.
        My young daughter needs to be in a nursery as her mother is working during the day. Nursery costs 500 monthly, who should pay this, my wife or me?
        If it is my responsibility to pay for my daughter’s nursery, then should I give my wife extra money for herself, which is not for home needs, over her own salary?
        Suppose that my wife left her job and stayed at home. How much shall I give her as personal expenses, not for home needs, to buy clothes and gifts, considering that she would spend 1000 to 4000 if she has the chance to do so!
        I wish you give me an answer including numbers to clarify the matter.
        Published Date: 2007-09-09
        Praise be to Allaah.
        Spending on the wife is one of the duties of marriage, according to scholarly consensus. It is part of living with her honourably and the kind treatment that Allaah has enjoined.

        Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

        “and live with them honourably”

        [al-Nisa’ 4:19]

        “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him”
        [al-Talaaq 65:7]

        “but the father of the child shall bear the cost of the mother’s food and clothing on a reasonable basis”

        [al-Baqarah 2:233]

        The one who spends on his wife will have a great reward with Allaah, if he meets the needs of his wife and children and takes care of them and treats them kindly.

        See also the answer to question no. 22063.

        Secondly:

        The wife has to obey her husband, and look after his house and children, by raising them and taking care of them. These are among the rights that the husband has over her, and she must do them for her husband in a reasonable manner. If she fails to do that – because she is working outside the home – then in that case some important shar’i rulings apply.

        1 – If she stipulated at the time of marriage that she would carry on working, and that she should be allowed to go out to work, and he agreed to that, there is nothing wrong with her going out to work, and the money that she earns from her job is hers alone. It is not permissible for the husband to take any of it without her consent, and she may spend it however she wishes, as has been explained in the answer to question no. 4037 and 21684.

        Her husband is still required to spend on her, so he has to provide food, accommodation and clothing for her on a reasonable basis.

        When he agreed to her working, he should have realized that he would have to resort to nurseries to look after his children when she is working, and that that would result in increased spending and financial burden. But the Muslims are bound by their conditions.

        2 – But if she did not stipulate in the marriage contract that she could carry on working, then he may forbid her to go out and it is not permissible for her to reject his decision. If she refuses then she has refused to obey him and she has foregone her right to maintenance. He may also stipulate that if she goes out to work, then she has to spend on the childcare costs or contribute towards household expenses, or spend on herself from her salary, and she has to adhere to his conditions if she insists on going out.

        In al-Bahr al-Raa’iq (4/212) it says:

        The husband may prevent the midwife and cleaner from going out, because their going out affects him adversely. He may even prevent them from doing any kind of work that brings earnings, because they have no need of that as he is responsible for his wife’s maintenance. End quote.

        Thirdly:

        As for the amount of maintenance, the guideline is what is sufficient, based on the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to Hind, the wife of Abu Sufyaan: “Take what is sufficient for you and your child on a reasonable basis.” al-Bukhaari (5364) and Muslim (1714).

        Attention should be paid to the husband’s situation, whether he is rich or poor, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

        “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease.”

        [al-Talaaq 65:7]

        See: al-Mawsoo’ah al-Fiqhiyyah (41/39)

        What is sufficient varies from one country to another, and from one time to another, but evaluating it should be based on the views of experts and the average situation of people. If the spouses dispute concerning that then the qaadi may judge between them by setting the amount that will cover what is sufficient.

        What counts with regard to what is sufficient is food and accommodation with proper facilities, as well as clothing and medical treatment. Anything surplus to that, such as gifts and luxuries, do not count, and he is not obliged to cover these expenses for his wife.

        We cannot define a specific amount. The spouses should agree on a particular amount or refer the matter to the qaadi to set an amount as he sees fit.

        But we encourage and advise you to be tolerant and deal with one another on a reasonable basis, without resorting to counting every riyal. Rather your attitude should be one of generosity. You are spending on your wife and child and they are the closest of people to you, and you should not be stingy for the sake of saving a little money or let it lead to arguments between you and them. A happy home is more important that saving for an unknown future, and perhaps winning your wife’s love by being kind and tolerant with her will remind her too of the necessity of responding to your kindness with kindness, and that will bring happiness and peace back to your home, and acceptance and balance in your spending.

        See also the answer to question no. 3054.

        And Allaah knows best.

        I'm unsure If I'm able to put links (If not I apologize)

        https://islamqa.info/en/103422

  4. Look, I'm a dude, and I live and believe this one point "YOU'RE NOBODIES SLAVE but your LORD's/ALLAH's", and the "LORD ALL-MIGHTY gave us FREEWILL. This situation, (I'm sorry to say), but "You've done to yourself". What I mean (Before you take It the wrong way), Is that "You let a human being walk all over you", correct/did you not? You let "Him get away with talking with another women", did you not? You let "him yell/curse and put you down", correct? Again, I'm only going by what you stated. This In turn "Has broken your will/spirit to fight back and stand up for yourself". This "breakage of your spirit", eventually leads you to "believing these "hurtful comments and you actually start believing you're worthless. Than eventually "You'll be at a stage where you have no will at all", because of all the abuse you've suffered.

    I don't know, what country/continent you are In (I'm new on this site, so I don't know If their Is a way to know or not). I only bring this up, as some countries have programs "Welfare/ODSP/Baby bonus" and ETC. You stated that "you were working", and had to be put on "leave" do to the fact of the "mental anguish you've put up with from your husband", correct? I ask you "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY"? I mean really, "WHY"? Who Is "he", I mean, come on (Lets be honest), he's only a "MAN", and nothing but a "MAN", you can get another "Better/Stronger/Faster/more Handsome, and a man who's Pious, and treats you the way you think you should be treated", correct? I mean 26 Is young (For you to think, you can't would be Insane). I mean, who Is "he/Your husband"? He works, (As you stated you all worked together correct) In the past? This lets (Me) know one thing and that Is "He ain't RICH" and even If he was rich "Who In the world Is he to put you down"? At the end of the day, you're a being (Human) I.E part of "CREATION", Is It not "Retarded for another human being (Who's also part of the same CREATION), to think "He's better than you"? Than If so, Is It not even more "Absurd to actually believe that which he thinks to be true", just caused he stated so?

    The man Isn't a "Nabi/Rasool/Saint" but a mere "MAN", who "Bleeds/uses the toilet/eats/sleeps", correct? He doesn't get "Revelations from the Sky", nor does "Allah speak to him", nor do the "Angels speak to him", nor does "Creation prostrate before him", so I ask you again (From the bottom of my heart), Who the hell Is he?

    Their Is one thing (That really upsets me), and that Is a "being" that Is "Doing wrong, and on-top of the wrong they are doing, they feel justified In doing that wrong, and on-top of that trying to take the (Will/Spirit) out of another human being by demolishing that persons will to move upwards and on-wards".

    Let me ask you, do you do everything for him? I mean, do you cook for him? Do you raise your child together (Forget him), do you raise your child by yourself? Is the house In-order (When he gets home)? If everything Is (Yes), and "He's being the way you describe him as being", than why In the world are you still In that situation? Just leave him (Get a divorce). Simple/plain and finished. Move on and do better, and never take him back (I don't care, If the man swears upon the HOLY QURAN), and goes to "HAJJ" and gives "Zakat", and does (A billion good deeds), all too get you back (Never take him back), forgive him (If you wish), but never (Forget what he put you through). Never forget the fact that he "Threatened you, choked you, pushed you, insulted you, and made you (Another being, feel WORTHLESS).

    Don't you ever believe you're "Worthless (Sister)", that's a ploy of the "Devil" and once you actually believe that "Than you're In trouble" as "Allah wouldn't create worthless beings", and "OUR Rabb" did favor "Adam (A.S) above all CREATION" remember that (As all the Angels In Heaven bowed to a man) on the commandment of "ALLAH (SWT)" and "ALLAH (SWT) wouldn't make HIS own CREATION bow to another of HIS own CREATION's If HE/ALLAH wasn't so proud of that CREATION (The Human being/Adam A.S), would he"? Always remember that.

    I wish you the best (In whatever you choose)

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