Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My marriage is suffering because of his lies

Confusion by Keenya Woods


Assalamu alaikum,

I belong to a well-to-do family, where education comes first. I am 26 and married my internet boyfriend 2 & half years ago in court without my parents' consent. After lots of struggle my parents somehow (for my sake-only daughter) agreed to organize our nikah. None were invited as they were very upset.

My father made some agreements with my husband's consent before the nikah for my safety just in case we seek divorce, as my father never trusts him. My husband lied to me and my parents about his qualifications(he is not even 10th pass &  me masters), even then I sat for nikah as he touched me before nikah. He uploaded my intimate photos with him on Facebook and joined all my school friends and my own brother to show them. Allah knows why he did this. After this incident my friends held a very low impression on me, even I am ashamed to face them.

My husband also use to maintain different accounts to chat with girls and enjoy their nude pictures. I stopped him, and he swears in the name of ALLAH swt but again continues so I left it. I married him as I had committed zina with him.

I went with him to a different country, stayed two months and came back home as he always reminds me of the "pact" (before nikah), shouts, and behaves abnormally with me, sometimes he becomes indifferent to me.

Now I am with my parents who are forbidding me to go back to him after hearing all these things. They are really concerned for me, even I'm scared he may in the future just throw me out of his life. He has had illegal relations over the internet with girls from different places with chats; I don't know whether makes calls.

Should I go back to him or seek divorce? He lies me to even now, he shouts at me, he loves me, but he has threatened me that he will never visit my parents.   Neither he nor a single member from his family visited me after hearing that my dear brother expired. My in-laws made phone calls but none visited,  and I am hurt.

I disobeyed my parents, but they accepted me by Allah's grace. I destroyed my career and my image in the society as he belongs to a caste that most people see with a degrading eye for their lies and cheating nature. He wants me to go back to him but  he will never come to take me or else he wants divorce. What should I do??


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11 Responses »

  1. OMG after everything that's happend u are still asking the million dollar question? If somebody asked you the same question what would you advise them? I do feel really bad for you as you trusted this man and after everything that happened with your family they still did your nika for your happiness. Seek divorce and get out is the answer to your question. I think he did this just to have sex with you and nothing else and is de-naming and humiliating you on FB to make you angry and chatting to other girls infront of you so you leave him. Stay with your family and don't go back to him. If he wanted you back in his life he should of contacted you to came to you. And your brotber passed away and nobody came? Putting your intimate pics on Facebook? Talking to and looking at nude pics of other women? Again, reading all this back what would you advise? Leave him. He is not worth it. Move on with you life listen to your parents, they only want the best for you hun xxxxxx

  2. 1. You committed a grave sin of Zina. You should repent for the same and seek forgiveness of Allah (Swt) for this.

    2. You hurt your parents utmost. you should, now when they have forgiven you, must serve to them to your best capacity. Inspite of your grave mistakes, not only your parents forgive you but they did their best to provide you a secure life. Would you still even think of standing with your husband who says that would not see face of your parents!!!

    3. You made a bigger mistake to marry him inspite of knowing that he lied to you and your family. You must have thought to cover up for the grave mistake done by you i.e. Zina but you actually plunged into sea of pain and problems, not just for your own self but for your family, especially your parents too. Do you even realize this?!!

    4. About his uploading your intimate photos, I don’t know what you did against it but you should have raised your voice against it. If still such things he is putting on internet or have threatened you that he would, then you must file a legal cyber crime police complaint against him. It will save you in future at least (especially when you take divorce or if he does it at his own at his will, right now or later)

    5. It is very much clear that this man is immoral, liar, insensitive, culprit. I don’t see any future of yours with him. Therefore, you should take divorce with him.

    6. You belong to an educated family, you claim to be a Master’s in terms of education. Education aims to make a person more sensible. Then inspite of experiencing all this, I wonder, how could you still say those words “he loves me”!! Are you nuts?!! ( I am sorry if I am sounding harsh but sometimes scolding hard words are required to get things right).

    Will you accept the so called love from a man who shows off intimate photos of his wife, their physical intimacy, who chats with numberless girls, see nude pictures of other women, keeps reminding his wife of the ‘pact’, who shouts, behaves abnormally or become indifferent!!! – I wonder- Are you a normal person?!! Do you have any self respect for yourself?!!

    Knowing and realizing each and everything, why you still have this dilemma - Should I go back to him or divorce?!! You should not have married him at first place, knowing his lie about his education.

    7. His family did nothing for you against his son (at least it seems so from your post) for whatever you went through. They do not visit you. It’s a clear sign that they are merely sympathetic towards you….that’s it…they don’t/wont do anything for you and you would merely fool yourself if you hope to get any help from them ever.

    You disobeyed your parents, caused them utmost pain and shame, you committed grave sin of Zina, you destroyed you career and your image in the society- Do you still want to sink further. Get rid of this manl and repent to Allah (Swt) and your parents till your last breath. And please, do not put a blame on some ‘caste’, its people who do wrong thing and it has nothing to do with some particular ‘caste’ how you made blunders….Get rid of this man and file a cyber crime case against him to save yourself further and improve yourself as a Muslim and serve your parents and repent to Allah (Swt) for the remaining life.

  3. This guy sounds like a ## ! Im sorry but if he respected u he wouldnt slate u all over the net! For goodness sake hes at loss because if hes showing your pics allover hes nt bothered what ppl think bou ur relationship as hes not serious, as no decent man would even show his wifes pic to a friend never mind slate it all over internet. Hard as it is you have to move on, this net relationship thing was dodgy fromthe start, they always warn you not to send personal stuff or meetup with someone until 100% sure these days u have to history check everyone even if u know them for years. This guys worthless, u have done alot for him and he doesnt realise what hes losing out on now, easier said than done: MOVE ON for ur parents sake, not only do u owe them this but make them happy, respect them always, pray and make dua for u n ur future and family and repent by asking for forgiveness from Allah SWT sincerely. InShaAllah hopefully things will become better and clearer. Allah throws things in ur way to see how u cope, its Allahs way of showing u right path, guiding u and making u stronger hun. Have Faith.
    Block all contacts with ur husband, but then again its ur choice.

  4. OMG ur brother passed away and they didnt come? Astaghfirullah. Not human. May Allah grant ur brother Peace and noor in Qabr and paradise. May Allah SWT forgive all his sins and give ur family Sabr Ameen.

  5. dear sis, before love comes respect for each other . ask yourself ' does he respect me' whatever answer you get is your answer to be with him or be without him.

  6. I'm sorry to hear what you
    Have gone throw!!! Honestly don't go back because he will never change and if a husband love his wife he would never ever put her personal pictures on facebook that is too low. My husband would never ever let me put my son pictures on Facebook how would he put my picture on there for everyone to see. He is playing
    Games with you, he doesn't love you and he might have done this to many other girls who knows. My point is open your eyes for Allah sakes leave him you r still young insallah you will find someone way

  7. Dear Sister,

    He uploaded my intimate photos with him on Facebook and joined all my school friends and my own brother to show them. Allah knows why he did this.

    I would like to speculate that He did this to get full control on you. I've met such breed of men before in my life. He happened to be my girl friend's ex lover. A pathetic human being who did this to capture full control over his Girl friend.

    However, my girl friend back then rationalized his wrong doing by passing an epithet, " He was merely insecure about me "

    This infuriated me beyond limits. For the first time, I understood that human being greatest flaw is his ability to marginalize his soul under the false pretext laid by the Satan. It shouldn't take you long to realize that your husband has all the traits of a gladiatorial maveric and you have turned a blind eye under the notion of Love.

    I'm not going to blame you. A trap was laid for you by the Shaitan and you fell for it because your scholastic ability was eclipsed triggering a rational lapse. I don't think a learned personality like you would have failed to arbiter a person whose education level was so much inferior to you.

    It is time that you seek to get your life in order. Quit being with this person and pursue further studies.. may be Doctorate or something. Shield yourself from the problems and be a support system for your parents. Seek ways to get back to deen, Siratal Mustaqeem. Insha Allah, Allah Most High will guide you and you would be able to find a new guy who will be better than your present husband.

    Aafa Allahu Annka!

  8. dear sis assalamualaikum , u know i was to engaged to a worst person like ur hubby but by allah grace his truth came infront of my eye before marriage i went through hell like pain thought my world came to an end but allah is always ther to tk care its upto to decide nd take a step, choose life of respect than so called love , a person who has no respect fr womenhood will never be a good husband if he had ever loved nd cared abt u he wud hv never touched u befr marriage open ur eyes use ur brain sis which allah has given u

    jazakallah khai

  9. Assalaamualaikam

    I am sorry to hear of your brother's passing. May Allah grant him peace and bring you and your family comfort.

    One thing that stands out for me in your post is that there doesn't seem to be a mention of love or respect in your relationship - a marriage in which husband and wife don't have that, is in significant difficulty. Although you had premarital relations with him, that doesn't mean you have to spend your life with him if you don't want to.

    I would maybe try to discuss the matter with your parents, and seek their advice.

    If you feel that you truly want to reconcile, I would advise you to be very cautious, and to make it clear what will and will not be acceptable in your relationship. For example, sharing personal information and having haraam relationships with other people would be a definite "No", while you might want to have a commitment to visiting your family at regular intervals. It might also be advisable to have such discussions through counselling, or through a marital advice service (some Islamic community centres have such programs), or through your families. If he refuses to discuss these issues and agree to behave in an Islamically appropriate way, then that would send a clear signal that he doesn't respect you or value your relationship highly.

    If you feel that the only reason to be with this man is that you have already committed zina with him and he has caused you embarrassment, remember that those are not reasons to stay in a relationship. We are told that we should look for piety and good character in a husband, but what you have described doesn't show these as being priorities for this man. While divorce is not encouraged, it is available without fear of shame or condemnation, for situations where a marriage has broken down irreparably, and does not mean someone cannot go on to remarry and live a happy life.

    Pray to Allah for guidance and strength, and remember that He is Most Merciful. Trust that He will guide you to what is best for you in this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon editor

  10. U deserve this,,
    Now all u can do is repent and swear that u will never repeat these sorts of sins..
    May Allah guide u.

  11. Assalamu Walaikum..

    Dee Aslam ,a repenter muslimah, Aisha, friend, Muslimgirl, Farrukh, zoya fatime, midnightmoon, Fahim hasan

    First of all thank you to all of u for making dua for my Dearest brother, May my innocent brother get the highest place in Jannatul Firdous, May he always rest in THE WARMTH OF ALLAH's HEART............ameen

    2ndly, yes I was wrong, I have shattered my parents but even then they have forgiven my, May Allah(SWT) also forgive me...ameen

    Dear bros. & sis.... I am now a divorcee...I thought several times whether I can patch up with this abnormal insecure guy, but this time , I dont know but I felt as if someone is holding my steps backwards. Never ever again with him,no, no , no

    Yes, my in-laws are inhuman, none visited to share our bad times then how can I ever expect any help from them in future. As a sister u all used some harsh words, for that I will never mind sincerely... as I can understand how furious u all are as being true Muslims....I regret now but its too late... my life if ruined..

    Do remember me in your duas.

    Jazakalla Khair.

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