Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Madly in love with a girl, but my mom drove her away

heartbroken, heart in hand

Let me tell you all my sad story which could otherwise be a happy one. Ever since, we have been in a relationship, I have changed myself 360 degree and have isolated myself from rest of the world. I have only found peace in my prayers to Allah (as she inspired me to come back on the right track) and to be with her (long distance relationship).

She was very inspiring and we dreamed the same dreams. She motivated me so much to pursue my post graduation dgree that I seriously started thinking about leaving my stable job (Al7amdulillah am really doing good and at a managerial job) in a reputed organization in the country.

I stopped all kind of clubbings, mixing with various girls, dancing, etc.) My only aim in these 10 months was to Pray to Allah, be with my gf through Skype and talk overseas and be home to study. There were few problems too in our relationship and those were due to the external factors.

One was my mom who never supported me with anythg and always have negativity and pessimist views about every thg I want to do in my life be it a girl I like or any dreams I want to go after. Knowing her very well, I denied my relationship with her her when rumor surfaced about us.

I just didnt admit to my mom since there were certain problems at my gf's end which under the process of getting resolved. In the meantime, my mom heard negative and fabricated stories about her from few of my close cousins whom I trusted a lot.

Actually, one of these cousins, who is a friend (I should say fiend) of my gf and he introduced her to me. These so called cousins of mine (especially him) twisted the facts and created her image infront of my mom as a girl who is rich and spoilt and whose main aim is to fool around with different guys. These are infact all false as you can read from the backgroud that I have provided to you earlier.

My gf always used to tell me that she is hanging out with my cousins to know them more so that she can blend easily into my family later on. In turn, I slowly started to mix with her sisters to get to know them more and be close to them. It is true that we had quite a number ups and downs in our relationship (most being it a long distance one and complications at her end) but we always ended up resolving those issues every time we met in person.

Few months back, we travelled together to few places and we became so much close that we started to think about getting married when the time is right. We found out that we were happy and compatible with each other and we even nursed each other when both of us were ill during the trip. Those bonding made us really close and we felt peace and happiness together.

In the meantime, my mom started pressurizing me to get married but I hesitated. She told me that she will accept any girl I marry irrespective of race, religion, culture, country, etc. but I politely told her that I would marry someone when it is the right time and I am ready to do so. I assumed that she will finally accept the girl I longed to marry.

It was a month back, when I went to my home country for a festive occassion, then the worst nightmare took place. That fateful afternoon was splendid for us as we were talking about our future plans to be with each other and her plans to be with me in the country where I am working currently through some job that she is in the process of getting.

It all happened in the evening. I was in the mall where she and her cousin were there shopping for the festive occassion. My mom who happened to stop by at the mall saw her just as my aunt (my cousin's mother) (the cousin who is her friend and introduced me to her) recognized her and that gave a chance for my mom to humiliate her in front of the public.

My mom verbally abused her so much that my gf got the biggest shock of her life and felt that our relationship has ended right then as she felt that all her dreams and plans to be with me got shattered and her self esteem got compromised. She felt that she cannot never be able to think of my mom as her mother ever as that angry face of my mom is haunting her.

She was so upset and shocked that she broke up all ties with me and told me to delete her from my life forever. Hearing such news and getting her upset text, I decided to end my life right then since my future looked bleak without her. I told my sister everythg over the phone and just as I was about to end my life, she tracked me down and saved me.

I was devastated and couldnt think anythg else but my gf as I truely believed that she is the one and the right one for me. She is the only one whom I can think of and even when we did Ishtikhara previously, we found very positive outcome of it. Plus, we strongly believed especially me that I came into her life all of a sudden and she used to tell me that I am giving her hope and light in her life.

Anyways, my sister eventually convinced my mom and made my mom realized that her action was all wrong and she called up my gf and apologized her. My gf was really humble and told her that my mom shouldnt apologize and that she is an elder person and she feels bad if my mom apologized.

Anyways, my gf kept on telling me that she is trying hard but cant forget that humiliation and that she lost all respect for our relationship and feeling for me has become negative even though I am not at fault. She only wished if I didnt meet her at that mall on the fateful day.

I begged, cried and try to come up with varios logic that its not my fault that I should suffer like this and that external forces are to blame for it and in the end she told me that just to satisfy me she will take a 6 months break from the relationship as she needs to focus on her studies fully with no distractions.

Plus, she says she doesnt know the outcome of these 6 months break...it can go either ways. She also told me that I have become a very weak and vulnerable and not the strong, charismatic, brave person that I used to be and which made her fall in love with me and how I used to be her mentor back then. My only fear is to see her with someone else other than me and that is putting me to the highest level of insecurity and I am imagining wild and sinful images which I really dont want to.

I started hating myself now and feel that I am the cursed one. I feel very much loss and helpless and hopeless. I see her in my dreams only whenever I sleep. Whatever I try, I see her only. I am giving up hope in my life and everytime I go from work, I feel in pain and cry everytime. I know it is a shame that a guy is crying but I cant help it since my love is pure, sacred and innocent. I have seen a hypnotherapist but I still have the pain and agony and cannot accept the reality. I never wanted my life to be so unhappy and in pain.

I was down with sickness for 3 months and now my mom is not well and is away in a different country for treatment and my relationship is almost over...what worst can happen to a person. Only the silver lining is...I am in good terms with her parents and am currently in talks with her mom to invest in her catering business which my gf doesnt want to invest since at that time, I had a different intention.

But I told her that I will invest and will still be persevarant in getting her in my life to which she says nothing. I have hit the worst phase of my life...a total rockbottom. I dont know what else to do. I thought of sharing my pain and agony with you all and only few persons I trusted among friends almost got tired of hearing my naggings.

I am adamant to do Umrah once it is opened Inshaa'Allah. I wish Allah would have shown me a miracle and get my gf back to me whom I treated and respected like my wife. Please advice me and also kindly pray for me. JazakAllah Khair!!!

- Blessed One


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5 Responses »

  1. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb brother..

    From what I have just read.. It seems to me as though this girl can't put her ego aside.. she can't get over what your mother did to her.. & I guess other factors which you referred to as "downs" in your relationship..

    for starters It's great that she helped you evolve from a non practicing Muslim to a practicing Muslim.. well done to her for that.. there's no such thing as "gf bf" in Islam brother.. & I guess for a reason as it's a bundle of complete mental stress!

    Anyhow.. I understand how you feel.. but to me it just seems as though you're trying to get back something that was never really yours.. she's not your wife.. & by the looks of it doesn't seem like she's interested in being your wife either..

    My advice to you is perform Istikhara & ask Allah *swt* for guidance.. If you get a negative sign then you know it's best to leave her to it.. & If you get a positive sign then you should prepare to get your parents to ask for her hand in marriage & leave the ball in her court..

    Meanwhile.. there's no use in sitting there sulking & ruining your precious life.. the more you discuss the issue with your friends or etc.. you'll find yourself constantly reminding yourself of everything.. so it'll be beneficial for you to drop the negative approach & divert your attention elsewhere.. until you don't get clear (Istikhara)..

    the choice is entirely yours.. we can only "suggest"

  2. Honestly I don't know what your going through. From my knowledge your girl friend is a Muslimah,right? If that being the case,maybe it is time to step into a more Islamic world rather than emotional stress. That same event is what's keeping you apart. Maybe you should try seeing the positive side of this.You can learn how stressed and worried you were when she shunned you, and it caused you to invoke Allah!Sadly the only thing I have to say to your girl friend is "expect the unexpected". Things probably would've went better if you explained to your girlfriend about your mom's,sorry for lack of a better word,problems.SALAM.

  3. Assalamualaikum brother,

    I understand that you feel sorry for what the girl faced and I know it was wrong. But the mother did so in order to protect her son from any evil, from the agonies of life. I have seen families shatter due to such things. I know people who have indulged in such relationships and went against their patents, and then suffured.

    This is not to discourage you, but tell you that there are possibilities such as this. You say the girl is religious, Allahu A'lam about that. You said she turned you to Religion, and that is good. But this does not necessarily mean that she is destined for you. Allah Helps His servants through anyone He Wishes, whether they matter in our lives or not.

    Brother, if you plan to do Umrah in order to ask her from Allah, the Niyyah is incorrect. Umrah should be done solely for Allah's Sake and not involving any extetnal factors. Yes, duas are something you should do, but Umrah is solely to Please Allah.

    In Islam, no relationship is honored before Nikah. So you going out together was Haraam, and her going with her non Mahrams was Haraam.

    Now, if you are sure about going forward with her, pray Salatul Istikhaarah and tell your mother that you wish to marry her. Remind her about what she said concerning letting you marry any girl. She should be made sure that the girl is right for you.

    She (the girl) has requested for time and she has the right to take it. Wait, have patience and trust in Allah. If she is good for you, you will find her return to your life, in sha Allah - pray Salatul Istikhaarah.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Salaams blessed one

    It wasn't the girl (your girlfriend) ego that got in the way of the relationship, it was the fact neither of you was honest with your parents about your relationship its your own fault because you both are to be blamed. Your mum only wanted to protect you and yes what happen was wrong but at the same time she was protecting you. If you told your parents then none of this would have happened. Your girlfriend doesn't want to be with you is because maybe she realised it was all wrong if you still love each other, you have 2 options either do nikkah or if it doesn't work out move on. You have too because as much as painful it is to you focus on Allah and may you get through this difficult time.

    Word of advise when you want something so desperately if it isn't meant to be, count your blessings that Allah is always with you and that you are blessed with whatever your given, something we humans dont always appreciate when we are at the worse feeling ever.

  5. dear brother salam

    it hurts a lot when a loved one is not with you. many of us have gone through it but that does not lessen your pain. you can only learn from them how they coped withit.

    for now, be patient, give her sometime. when one is deeply hurt it takes sometime to heal specially if it was a humiliation in public.she has shown good character by being very humble about your mom giving her a call. your mom on the other hand has been very big at heart to apologize.

    good point is that you are still in good terms with her parents, keep it that way. through them you still can approach her. be patient my brother, do istakhara as you dont know the future only Allah knows and that what you are seeking , Allah help and wisdom. remember that in istikhara you say that if it is good for you to make it easy for you , and if its bad for you( which is not what one thinks at that time) take it away from you. ( but see what you ask again) bring for me something that is better and make you be pleased with it.

    may Allah give you tranquility and ease of heart through this time. and what ever is the outcome you are satisfied with it.

    ameen

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