Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother abuses me and my wife

in laws, cooking, baking, mother in law, strict, abusive

I am living with my mother and younger brother (joint family). I got married with her consent out of family 4 years ago. We have a successful relationship andd two kids by the blessing of Allah.

My mother has had a bitter tongue, she abuses whenever she gets angry mostly on minor things that occur in daily routine. From the day first of my marriage she included my wife and her relatives in the list. There have been several wars due to her behavior. I happened to be the cushion in between. My wife always says that she cannot life in this torture and I always manage to silence it for the time being but the silence does not long last.

As per our Islamic teachings if the wife demands a separate accommodation she is rightful. On the other hand it is man's responsibility to look after his parents.

Should I leave my mother or not ?


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8 Responses »

  1. Salaam,

    You should leave your mother and find alternative accommodation for your wife and kids.

    Leaving your mother does not mean abandon her, you can still look after her but that does not mean that you have to live under the same roof.

    You can still fulfil your duties as a son living elsewhere.

    If you stay with your mother, the situation between your wife may start to affect your marriage and it seems like you are in a lovely healthy marriage Alhamdulillah and you don't want to jeopardise that.

    Plus your mum has your brother living with her so it's a no brainier really.

    Hope this helps.

    Take care

  2. Salam brother
    Tbh I agree that you should live separately somewhere nearby and not too far. But before moving I think you should talk to your mother alone, tell her that you will be there whenever she needs you, and remember to be there as it is your duty and your siblings to be there for your dear mother.
    You never mentioned anything about your father! The current situation seems to be bad if you are getting abuse from your mother, and yet could get possibly worse if things get bad to worse with more frequent abuse thrown at you and your Mrs. Anyway I believe there is two sides to a story and you should be aware of that too, please don't ever think of your dear mother who give you birth to be a bad person as it could be something which your wife or you are doing to upset her, maybe knowingly or unknowingly only Allah knows, it could even be hormonal problems. 7
    Women when one gets married sometimes can't see eye to eye and become cruel to each other, and that means its not just your mum you should blame, you need to also be aware of what could be happening at home while your out at work.
    Younger women especially after having kids need and want there own place then they can do whatever they would like, not in a bad way but having your own space might make your Mrs feel more in charge of her life.
    Anyway the bottom line is move out in a nice loving way with reassurance to your dear mother and keep in close contact with her always. One can never have a second real mother once she's gone she's gone, please do look after her well,and respect her always.
    You have no choice but to move on as you have kids and want your marriage to succeed, but be careful and keep up with your duties to your mother, don't leave everything to your younger brother.
    Dear brother best of luck and may Allah bless you and all I mean all your family.
    BTW I have no mother and would give anything to have my mum back.
    Allah hafiz

  3. Ok what!!!! Brother you can still take care of her if you live on your own. By your logic , no one would leave their house until they die all in the name of taking care of their parents, which is not realistic.

    If your brother is very young and she's very ill, then that's a different story. I pray that Allah guides you through this problem and that you find a happy medium inshallah.

  4. You seem like a nice brother who is concerned with justice and deen mashallah,

    i have to agree with the other comments, your duty to your mother doesn't involve living with her, but you do have a responsibility for your own mental health and that of your wife's, best to try and move out with your wife, it seems she has been very patient, if the situation persists it is likely to deteriorate your relationships further both with your mum and your wife, and you don't deserve to live this way either brother!!!

    You can get somewhere nearby if possible and visit your mother everyday, she might appreciate you more when you are not living with her, you never know....

    I hope you can resolve your situation, i can imagine how difficult it is too have a family member who acts in such a way especially a mother, i guess we just have to be patient and hope for reward from our lord ( as difficult as that is) stay strong brother.

    I wish you and your wife all the best

  5. Aright,
    I have same situation, my mother really did gave me very hard time as well, but i am the only son. my sister who is still un married lives with my mother and my father lives overseas.

    with the consent of my father i had to leave the home, and so i did. This made situation more worse, as she doesnt want to see me again. but with the passage of time, she is now meeting with me, but never wants to see my wife.

    my wife really tried to smooth things out Alhamdulillah, but every now and then my mom started creating problems again and one day she asked me not to bring her at home. this story took about 5 years to reach on the current situation where my mom doesnt wants to see my wife at all. and now my wife asked me that i should not force her to meet and she needs break in order restore her respect. my wife asked me this favour after 5 years of consistent effort towards setting things right.

    now the problem is that my mom never askd to see my kids, i have 2 kids i didnt mentioned earlier, my wife is now in a situation she says that i have no guts to send my kids alone to there grand mother, and its a fact too that my mom never asks for them. my 5 months old son, my mom didnt even looked at him as yet.

    my wife says if she wants to meet our children she will have to talk to her mother(my mother in law).

    what i am concerned about is, i really struggled to set things right and have peace in my life on both ends. my mother has almost destroyed everything, but i have never stopped seeing my mom. i go there every now and then and have to face her sour words too.

    What should i do ? i dont know, i dont want to take the anger or wrath of Allah, i want my kids to be obedient and saleh, i and my wife tired our best to set things right for about 5 years, and after 5 years my wife asked me that she needs break for her respect now.

    my father is palying no role any more he is kind of not happy with my mom too. my sisters wants me to take my kids to my mom but then i would have to take this step on cost of my wifes trust and then the life would be another hell for me if that happens....

    Pretty confusing right ?

    the Question is finally ... how sinful i am in the Eyes of ALLAH!.... 🙂 and what should i do " 🙂

    • Dear Assalam o Alaikum

      you do not have to get permission from your wife or from your wife mother to take your children to your mother.

      In Islam Father is the prime guardian of children , cant you know even a mother cant stop feeding an infant without the permission of infant's father.

      whether is take 5 or 10 or 15 years , your wife tried to settle things up , OK nice you wife cant go there anymore ... but this does not mean that you cant take your children to meet their grandparents !!

      take you children to meet ... whatever is the response of you mother ,,, fulfill your side of duty ... be kind and just ... Allah will do the rest in sha Allah.

  6. my son is sad with me on some petty matter, he is 19years and in college, i love my kids and wife. the problem is now he dont say salam to me intentionally when ever he comes home from outside. that annoys me alot. please tell me what to do when ever he does things like that.

    • Be patient with him. He's at a difficult age. Try to talk to him about other things that may interest him. If he likes football, take him to a game. Just try to maintain a connection with him and wait until he matures a bit and grows out of this stage.

      Wael Editor

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