My mother confessed to me she’s been having an affair
Asalam o alikum
I am very confused about this situation I hope I will get some advice about what to do it's like just today my mother confessed that she had been cheating on my father from the last one year and though my mother and father have been married for the last 19 years and nothing like that ever happened before. So since I am their elder daughter it hurts me to know that and I just want to make things right .
Today she started crying and told me everything. She said she repents and she has prayed for forgiveness although she was going to tell my father about this but I told her not to tell him because I don't really want him to lose his trust but in general she asked him if he would forgive her for anything that happened he said he will because anytime if something ever happened my mother would always forgive and I myself could never expect this but now the it seems like things are complicated.
She said she is married to him and I asked how I said was it any legal marriage or did you sign any paper she said no and she said she did it because she thought as she was involved illegally with that guy she married him so she could get divorce for him and become my father's again. Alright now according to me all of this doesn't make sense. I don't have much knowledge but I guess what she said that's only needed after "talak " right? I mean she was not divorced with my father even after that illegal relation she was still his wife right?
She said something like it makes women haram on her husband but just a relation doesn't need you to do that right? and on the other hand I don't think that would be a marriage, like there is no clear evidence of that marriage and plus I was just reading one article and it said that if people are in illicit relationship and want to get married, they should be ordered to make istibra'. This means that they must separate and have no contact with one another for one full month until it can be established that she is not pregnant.
So I don't thing she separated for one month - so would that even constitute a marriage ?? I mean that was just verbal yes or no and no clear evidence ? I just kept telling her that was not a marriage she said she thought it was and she kept asking him for divorce but he didn't in fact now he keeps black mailing her that he has some videos and recordings that he will show to my father.
I tried to calm her down and I told her nothing is going to happen and that I will help her. I said I will talk to him myself and make him see that he can't make us distrust you no matter how much he tries and I know even if my father will know everything he will forgive her I know he will get hurt at first. I am just so confused can someone tell me how do I stop this guy ? and should I count that as a marriage? I want to see my parents happy together I love them so much .
I hope someone helps me. I have no one else to tell and I have to make it right on my own so please someone tell me I am so worried.
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Salaams,
I think it was wrong of your mother to involve you in what she has done against your father. As you can see, by telling you she has only put you in a conflicted position between both of your parents. Also, she is bringing to you confusing issues (they seem even confusing to me) and asking you for answers and advice, which you of course are in no position to give.
If she really is having difficulty with what's she's done or what to do now, she should consult with a friend her own age at the very least, if not a therapist. You should not have been put in the middle of this, and I feel badly for you because now you have been given information that you can't just erase out of your mind.
For your own sake, sister, and for your mother's, I would advise you to no longer talk with her about this matter. If she approaches you again about it, tell her that what you know already is too much for you and you can't deal with anything further, and ask that she consider going and talking to a counselor or a friend of hers. I would also suggest thinking about seeing a counselor yourself, because in a sense this is traumatizing information for you to have been given and leads to a lot of complicated emotions and thoughts that usually require some help in sorting out. Also, if your mother keeps asking questions about marriage and divorce, tell her she needs to take that matter to a qualified imam or scholar because they would be the only ones able to sift through all the details and give a clear definition of what things are in her case.
I just want to let you know that you DO NOT have the responsibility to make it right, and if I were you I wouldn't talk to your father about any of it. This is a matter between your mom and dad only. They need to work it out in their own way, whatever that ends up looking like. In an ideal situation you would not have even known about this, and it's shameful that she confessed this to you. Do the best you can to separate their marital issues from your life (again, this is where a counselor could help you a lot), and try to stay out of the middle of it going forward. If either one of them try to bring you back in, try walking out of the room or telling them that you are not going to discuss these matters because they are not your business.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam. I am a girl of your age and I do feel your pain. The first thing I'll say is you should follow what sister Amy said. This is a huge situation and its too big for you to handle at this age. You shouldn't be abused because definately, this will disturb you for the rest of your life if you get involved deeply. However, you cannot leave your mum in such pain to deal with alone. I advise you talk to a close elder person whom you both know and can talk to your mum privately. Once you join her with someone she can talk to, then stay away.
Also, I think your mother should tell your dad as soon as possible becoz according to Islam, there are some conditions she must follow before approching your dad again. Staying with him now is like zina, except if she follow those conditions. Now that she has repent, she must seek forgiveness from Allah and from your dad. He must forgive her before they can stay together lawfully and she must follow those conditions (I think a purification bath) but please do ask someone more knowlegeble as I am just a teen like you. May Allah make is right for you and her. Please do not ignore your mum until you find someone for her, a mother is a mother nomatter what she does. Thank you. 🙂
Asalaam alaikum,
I think Sister Mu'meenah put it right as to what you should do, but so did Sister Amy. It's a balance to figure this one out, but here's where I hope my advice can help.
It looks like what happened is that you mother had an affair, felt guilty and to continue it, this guy convinced her that they could get married and have twisted infidelity, which is NOT a halal marriage. She would have had to divorce your father and wait three months without any physical copulation with your dad in order for her to be Islamically divorced, and then only would should be able to marry anyone else legally. I find it difficult that your mother does not know this, but whatever.
The fact is that her affair partner is a liar, a manipulator and a cheater. Anything that comes out of his mouth should be shoved back in. He wants to continue using your mother for his pleasure and will do anything to keep it that way, so tell your mom to suck it up and face the music, because this would have never happened if she didn't get involved. It's not great to be the one to say this to her, but that's where she put you. It may sound cold blooded, but this is not your problem and it's going to be one heartbreak after another from here on out. Have her call the police and get a restraining order on him immediately.
Your father, when faced with this news is going to become sick, angry and heartbroken. He will be devastated. If this man shows him any videos of your mother in a compromising position, your father may become violent. I don't know what can be done about this, but your mother has caused a lot of turmoil and it's hard to know how your father will respond.
Here's the hard part: no matter what you do, you cannot make this right. You cannot heal or repair the relationship between your father and mother. You can't stop this "other man" from being a jerk and at times, you will feel utterly helpless. Yet, this isn't your mistake and though it affects you, it's not something you did to cause it. This is one of the hardest lessons to learn about life and the people you love: sometimes you have no control as to how bad it gets screwed up.
There are going to be times when you'll want to yell at your mother for what she did. You may even hate her in some way. You'll look at your father and you'll cry for him, you'll feel ashamed for him and you'll know all you can do is to hug him and love him as best you can. Your mother will be in tears, crying constantly and your siblings will be angry and confused, too. Sometimes you'll feel that you just want to leave and go away.
However, where you are emotionally, psychologically and spiritually will be tested with every passing day. This is going to be tough on you and at times, it will be hellish to be caught in the middle of all this. Children suffer so much during this situation and I can promise you that the only who will know your pain is God. Let your parents handle this and take your tears, confusion and heartache to Allah (swt).
When it gets to be too much, find a quiet place and kneel before Allah (swt). Tell Him everything that bothers you, how you can't take anymore and how you wish it could all go back to being the way it was. You'll ask Him "why!" You'll cry as you await the answer.
Maybe this will help: the only reason 'why' is because other people made bad choices, mistakes and sinned. There was nothing you could do to stop it. There will never be anything you can do to make it stop, either. Those people will live their life, but you have a right to live yours', too.
I want you to learn something from this: God is your Savior and love Him, first. Because if you do, if you're always conscious of Him and aware that He is closer to you than your own jugular vein, you'll never do these stupid sins, either. That's the only lesson to take away from all of this. It'll make you stronger, though you didn't ask for it to happen this way.
I wish I could say more to you. I wish I could fast forward time and let you know that five years from now everything will be better, but I can't. So place your trust in God and learn to find peace, solace and refuge with Him. For the time being, He will be the only one to understand you. Allah (swt) loves you more than anyone or anything. He always has.
I'll keep you in my prayers. May Allah (swt) take care of you and bless you each day. He's always there for you.
AOA.
In my opinion.The marraige of your real father&mother is only effective,till if ever your father divorces.
As per Islamic Laws a lady can not get married with any one else,in the life of her husband.So what over your mother did that is a sin and not a marraige in any way.The other man can not become her husband.Unlike a Muslim man who can have two wives,a lady can not have two husbands,at a time( as per Islamic Laws).Why?This is a separate issue&can be discussed lateron.As far as affairs with a second person are concerned,she must ask Allah&her husband to forgive her&should not be blackmailed any way pl.We are humen being,and we must refrain from cheating any one,
Syed
I go with Mr. Professor X. my advise is same word by word. Please follow it. good lak.
Walekum asalam I think what she did grave mistake and you should tell your father about it he have every right to know since he's been her husband for last 19 years and have been providing her I am not saying he did something new, every man provide for there Family but still he was always with her they were both together in happiness and sadness he may forgive her if only you tell him since father love daughter's the most so don't let your mother tell him but if you really love your mother than beg you're father to forgive her with crying face he might forgive her because of last 19 years and that she gave birth you his daughter a man couldn't have any more happiness than having daughter in the world but as a man I think he will forgive her after giving her "talakh" so that on the day of judgement Allah also forgive her but if he doesn't forgive her and than give talakh than on the day of judgement she will have to handle pain jahanum wish even after they got separated you will still be on good terms with both parents and of you have little siblings than told them truth after they become"baligh" and have understanding of feeling and emotions because right now no matter what you say now of they little they will definitely support your mother without any second thoughts but in reality your father need support the most since he just forgive the biggest mistake of her life and believe me after you forgive someone you will always have second thought that why did you forgive her so also remind him that reason were past 19 years and his children