My mother in law accused me of talking to her daughter’s husband
Assalamualaikum,
A plant known as 'Mother in Law's Tongue'
A couple of months ago my mother in law accused me of talking to her daughter's husband in front of my dad, husband, kids and my brother. Which is tottaly un true.
I'm on so many depression pills. I used to look up to her cause she prays. I still am trying my best to forgive her but somehow I can't. Its like I don't want to talk to her.
I am a type of person who doesnt hate anyone but this time I feel stuck. I feel like I'm dirty and my heart is dirty.
Pleaseeeeeeee help me!
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Salaam My Sister,
I am sorry that this episode has broken your heart in this way. Gossip and slander are evils that no one should ever have to experience. Unfortunately, there are many people racked with boredom and have little to do with their lives and so create strife for others so they may have some drama to enjoy.
I am concerned as to the level that this has hurt you. Sometimes, we make an internal decision that because we are upset, we must embody that upset to the maximum level. Therefore, we associate the act of not-being-upset-any more to showing the world that an action didn't hurt us. What this means for us is that we literally stop ourselves from enjoying our lives to "show how upset we are" and we continue to embody those feelings because it enables us to remain angry with the person who has wronged us.
My sister, you don't have to do that.
Getting over this problem, and recovering emotionally is not the same as accepting it, or being OK with it, or forgiving it, or anything like that. Getting over it is simply a personal declaration of freedom, and a statement that "this has no power over me".
Often, we feel that by continuing to be upset, we are punishing the person who upset us, when actually, the only person who really suffers is the person who is upset. The best revenge for an attack on your well being, is to continue being well and disempower the source of the aggravation in your life. The best way to prove your innocence, is to continue behaving as you always did and flatly deny any allegation and stand strong in your truth with confidence.
It is OK for you to not trust your mother-in-law and it's OK for you to feel wary and betrayed by her. These are natural reactions. What is not OK is for those reactions to have the power over you that they are having, and for you to feel that you cannot continue in your life with this in your history.
People can be harmful sometimes, but that is a part of life and something that we have to make our peace with. All you need to do is stick a label on her: "cannot be trusted" and carry on with your life with this extra knowledge, and not let it have any power over you.
I advise you to free yourself from this burden of being upset, and recognise that not-being-upset any more is not the same as saying "I don't mind that you did that". Not being upset any more is simply an improvement on your personal well being, and forgiving is something you do in your heart.
Forgiveness is the act of being at peace with whatever happened. So first you must really connect with the fact that whatever has happened already, cannot be changed - no matter how much you suffer over it. Then you must understand that your anger and upset is consuming YOU, not the aggressor in your life, and recognise that any grudge or anger or hatred you have towards another person because of something that cannot be changed is an act of self harm. Once you have recognised that the only person suffering is you, you must have a sincere desire for freedom and good health and gift it to yourself by accepting that it doesn't matter what you do - history will not be re-written. After you have done that you must let it go, and focus on the life that you want for yourself in the here and now and the future, and stop looking back at what has already been. If you can take yourself through this process, them inshaAllah you will begin to feel a looser, more relaxed feeling in your stomach and chest where all of your upset is tying you up in knots and you will be able to let it go - let it be free, release it.
What's done is done - don't give any pain or upset a longer life by nurturing it, feeding it and revisiting it all of the time.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Wow... What a response:) It even fits to my situation. When others try to upset you and they see that it
affects you, they get happy. And at the end, they win and get their triumph.
That's very sad, but unfortunately the truth.
Salaam Naji,
You're right. And the sad thing is that all the time we upset, losing sleep and feeling knots in our tummies - the other person is having ample sleep, enjoying their lives and getting on with things.
This is why we must learn to let some things go - otherwise we would be upset all of the time and never enjoy our lives. We will always find something to be upset about, so we must learn to let go - otherwise we will be upset all of the time.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
SubhanAllah sister - beautiful response from sis Leyla- my familys always going on at me about how i never let things go - to the extent that it can cause me physical pain- I have to wait until I've forgotten (usually a few hours to a day for a minor incident)!so I know I have a major problem wit it - your post realised how important it is to learn this. How does a person (who is oversensitive - and has difficulty letting things break a lifelong cycle and learn this?) Do you have any tips MashaAllah you seem to know this stuff well.
Salaam SR Muslimah,
Yes of course, many people have issues with oversensitivity. I imagine that if people have told you this, there is nothing major going on (such as beatings etc) so I will try to explain how to handle yourself in the day to day situations that sometimes hurt our feelings:
Imagine a sticky label that you can write on.
To overcome oversensitivity one must first of all recognize that it is very difficult to talk to someone who gets upset all of the time. In order to effectively communicate, we must communicate 100% of our message: sometimes that message is complimentary sometimes that message is offensive - but good communication will have everything in it. Therefore we must recognize that whatever is said to us is: communication. So when someone is speaking to you, instead of interpreting what is being said according to the emotions it is triggering inside of you- stick the label on it: "this is communication and I must understand it".
Next, understand that the person who is speaking to you , with you or about you - has no idea what will trigger you (into upset) or what will not trigger you into upset. Therefore, it is highly likely that the person speaking does not INTEND to upset you. That means, they have upset you by mistake or by accident. It is very unfair to be upset with someone because they made a mistake. So when you feel yourself getting upset, stick a label on it: "unintentional" - and then if you feel that there is an intentional insult - clarify: "are you insulting me right now? because that's what's coming across" and give the person an opportunity to explain.
It is also important to understand that once you have become upset - you have withdrawn yourself from the communication and you have lost the opportunity to understand, and communicate back. Once you retreat into your emotions - the person speaking to you can only make one conclusion: "she is sensitive". They will not understand what upset you, why, how and they will not be able to clarify what they meant and what they said etc etc - so not getting upset and withdrawing actually facilitates resolution. Instead of withdrawing into pain, step forward and clarify: "what exactly do you mean by that?", or "are you insinuating such and such?" You are likely to find that by standing your ground and insisting on clarifying the messages that come to you - you will start to understand people better.
Thick skin (i.e: resistance to upset) actually makes people a great deal easier to get on with- and the next thing to understand is that everyone is different, and everyone is coming from their own world. Someone with a lot on their mind may be unusually snappy and blunt (at that moment), someone who is having disrupted sleep may be grumpy: basically, there are a million reasons why someone may be acting or speaking the way they are, and other people's behaviour is rarely about YOU - most of the time, other people's behaviour is about THEM and what THEY are experiencing. Therefore, being as immune as possible to tone of voice, way of being, behaviour of others etc - actually makes you an easy person to get on with, because you allow people the space to not be perfect and nice and lovely all the time. (because no one can do that right?).
If someone is being grumpy, snappy or not nice etc to you - stick a label on them "clearly having a bad day today" and give them space. Don't interpret their actions as being upsetting or offensive because their behavior is probably unrelated to you. It may be that they have a headache, or a deadline, or a burden, or other stress that is affecting their behavior.
Once upset has occurred the best thing to do is try and make peace and get on with your life without it being completely destroyed by the upset. Get your label out, and stick it on the problem: "not worth it". Look at the other things in your life and stick the label on: "worth enjoying", "blessing", "love it" - and achieve a balanced perspective of how much time and energy you are investing in your upset when you would get a much greater return from your happiness. Stick a label on yourself:"peacemaker" and work to keep peace by being compassionate and loving people even when they do things that upset you. Sick labels on others: "good heart, but can't keep a secret", "great for fun, but don't trust with money!", "great friend - guaranteed to be late" - we don't have to cut people off because there are negatives about them - there are negatives about all of us and that is just the way it is. Part of loving someone is to accept and forgive them for their flaws.
If you stay upset, you will lose relationships because conflict is an inevitable part of knowing people - so if you can't get over it, you will end up without it. Forgiveness is an act of generosity to the person and to yourself.
Of course, there will always be communication breakdown. There will be upset and tears, and arguments and so on - these are a natural part of life. But as long as we recognize that what is going on is not 100% about you or 100% about them, and that all communication contains some complementary things and some insulting things -and that sometimes people are on good form and bad form and that this is largely out of most of our controls, inshaAllah you should feel better and be able to get on with people better, and have more happy time for yourself as well.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
MashaAllah beautiful reply and very useful - Its going to require a lot of work and self -training - im like a brick wall but I will definetly give it a go and keep positive InshaAllah 😀
May Allah swt reward you immensely for this -
Peace,
Sarax
Im sorry about what you mother in law said sister. If you can try to let it go - I know this is easier said that done. At least busy yourself with useful activities.
You know the truth sister and Allah swt knows the truth.
"When man wakes up in the morning each day, all parts of the body warn the tongue saying, ‘Fear God as regards us for we are at your mercy; if you are upright, we will be upright and if you are crooked, we become crooked.’" (At-Tirmidhee)
This is the importance of protecting ones tongue. I also wanted to mention that Aisha RA was slandered. She trusted in Allah swt and consigned herself to His will - and Allah proved her innocence. SubhanAllah.