Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother-in-law making my life hell!


I got married less then a year ago and was engaged for 4 years and it was a love marriage. My parents love my husband very much and I do too. He would be described as the best husband in many peoples eyes Alhamdulillah. He respects and cares for my HUGE family that includes many extended people. He is really close to my guy cousins who are the same age as him and every single person in my CLOSE family (about 150 people) adore him. He is not demanding at all and never expects me to cook, clean or iron etc for him. But I love to do it for him. He supports me as much as possible with my education, me going to my family and other aspects as well.

Now the problem is his family. His parents are extremely cultural, not religious and are not educated at all. My family is the total opposite where education is the main priority for guys and girls. I agreed to live with him, his parents, his brother plus his wife and child and 2 unmarried sisters. I had no problem at all. Now the problem i am having is with his mother. She is the classic Pakistani mother who has devoted her whole life to stay at home. She spends her day watching Indian dramas and it warps her mind into a Hindu mother-in-law thinking basically. My husbands older brother and his wife moved out of his parents house a year after they married. This created a lot of problems with his parents and they did not speak to their son nor his wife for 2 years! And still to this day she is constantly bad talking about my sister-in-law as if it was her fault. Ever since I got married, my mother in law has been on my case! Alhamdulillah my husband has supported me to finish university and I am currently in the process of getting my degree Inshallah. My MIL on the other hand is angry because I am still going to school and even bluntly told me I am not allowed to go? But my husband told her straight up that I will be finishing my education because it is important for me and his future children Inshallah. I as well want a career and want to do something with my life. Now I am not home 5 of the 7 days in a week. 4 days I go to school and come home VERY tired and 1 day I go to my parents house. During the time I got married I did not go to school for a couple of months and I was at inside the house 24/7. I felt so oppressed  because she would get angry even if I went outside for 2 seconds to smell the air (I am not joking!) She constantly talks bad about me to her children and people back home, saying that I do not do work around the house, how I do not take care of my husband (how he is getting skinny because he is not eating) and she even had the nerve to tell me that I can only go to my parents house once a month! My husbands family do not talk to ANY of there relatives because they have a sense of pride in them. So my MIL and FIL do not have any relationships with their siblings. Basically my In-laws do not have anyone else other then there children. I on the other hand have a HUGE family Alhamdulillah and really look at it as a blessing so I have to go to parties almost every week. My MIL gets mad if she is not invited! and the funny thing is that she never invites people herself. Nobody ever sets foot into this house unless it is their children. In my parents home...people come over every day! She disrespected her other daughter in law that lives with us and her mother when she came to visit her daughter from America...ever since then my whole perception of my  MIL has changed. She thinks that her children are the best and that all her daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws are the bad people! She expects me to not go to school, not go to my family, not go out with my husband, wake up a specific time, make food for her, clean for her and have babies so that she has something to do with her day!

I am tired of her ways..I am tired of whenever I go out with my husband to spend the day out I have to come back home to an accusing and angry face! I am tired of her dominating my life. I am tired that the rules she implies on her daughter-in-laws are not the same rules she implies on her own daughters (which they have no rules, they are allowed to go out, sleep, do whatever and however they please...She doesn't even clean around the house and she is 4 years older then me!). I have tried countless times to make peace between me and her. She would go days without talking to me if I even go to my parents house for a day. My husband has tried talking some sense into her and he supports me 100% but now the problem is that he would not under any circumstances move out! I feel emotionally stressed, cannot pay attention in school and I am crying almost everyday. All the fights we have had up till this point is because of his mother! Now my husband and my fights are so bad that we have even considered divorce. Moving out does not mean that he will NEVER get to talk to his parents again:/ He can also financially support them, go over to there house every single day and tend to them whenever they need him. After all they are his parents and he has an obligation towards them. But he needs to balance me as well! I left my parents, job and everything for him and he could not do the same? You have to remember this was a love marriage! But he would rather get a divorce then actually move out of the house!

I do not know what to do. I feel crazy and deprived in this house. What can I do to make things better? I have tried ignoring her..not considering what she says..and trying to actually spend time with her. But nothing has worked...if one day I do something against her will she does not talk to me for days. I feel as if I am married to my mother-in-law rather then  my husband! Since she is the one who I end up spending everyday with. What can I do with my husband! I really do not want to regret getting married 🙁

Thank You for taking you're time in reading and answering my question. May Allah keep us all happy


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13 Responses »

  1. move out of your home and live seperately as your husband's elder brother did.As long as finances are there,you wouldnt have any problem.

    jannah is below mother's feet,but they dont say its below religious Islamic pious mothers not the mothers who are cultural.

    if you want to live peacefully,it better to move out.

    your MIL will speak bad about you after you move out but hey,she is already a pain now.

    you need to be patient and slowly make your husband understand this and maybe you can seek the help of your sister in law and ask her how she moved out.

    finally,do dua always.


  2. Assalam alaikum sister,

    It sounds like you have a gem of a husband - so please make sure you remember this and ignore all other things.

    If you continue living with his family, respect his family and be a good wife to your husband. Ignore what your MIL (or anyone) says behind your back and this may sound strange, but I wouldn't try to change them or make peace (directly) with them--the type of thinking they hold may just twist the situation around when you try to make peace with them. If you husband supports you, cares about you, takes care of your needs, that is what you should focus on. When he comes home, do not make the focus of your conversation about the silly immature things that went on in the day, but rather pamper him and yourself and enjoy each other's company.

    Meanwhile, without arguing, tell him that you want to live separately not get away from his family, but because you want to preserve the relationship in a respectful way and staying in that house is ruining it. Don't nag him, make your point, and don't let the conversation get heated. Tell him you would like this to happen in the next few months and that he can continue to be a support to his parents without living in the same house. Perhaps before you do this, talk to your father and ask him what the best way to approach your husband would be--the fact that this has lead to a divorce conversation is extremely concerning.

    Live your life. Ignore the backbiting & immaturity. Focus on your marriage and be happy with your husband. Do not LET anyone dominate your life with their negative behaviour--you simply don't have to think about them. Be patient and inn shaa Allah, your husband will come to see for himself that you need to live separately even if it is just down the street, but in your own house.

    May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.

  3. As-salamu Alaykum,
    It is your right to have a separate home, and I am not saying otherwise. But my advice is to avoid arguing with either your husband or your MIL over these issues. It sounds like you have a very supportive husband who takes your side when he feels his mother is wrong. If you are able to go to school and do all the things you need and want to do, then try to let the comments slide with a good attitude. I mean, basically ignore it and continue on with your daily activities. I'm sorry you have to go through that and believe your MIL is wrong, but it would be sad to divorce over this. Perhaps you can tell your husband that you would like to live separately but are willing to drop the topic for the time-being. Then when things are calmer later on, you might be able to have a more fruitful discussion in which he doesn't feel like he is choosing between you and his mother.

  4. Walaikum salam wrwb,

    Below are several posts addressing the issue, which unfortunately is very common in some communities especially Asian community. Please read the advice given by brothers and sisters in these posts to help you deal with problems you are facing with your mother-in-law.

    May Allah (swt) grant your husband and you wisdom to solve the issues peacefully and guide your mother-in-law to learn and follow religion properly. Amin

    Muhammad1982,, Editor.

  5. It is two years later and I am wondering what happened. I think that the son is not at fault for what his mother does. He loves his mother and she loves him. With this kind of jealous person, she will never love you or any of her other children in law, so you cannot expect anything different. So sad. From what you say, I expect she will love her grandchildren.

    You can put the homeopathic medicine in her water, which might make a difference. Lachesis is for jealous people. If she is angry, put chamomila and/or pulsatilla in her water. My husband has blood pressure issues. He was getting very angry at night, so the next day I put it in his water and he was smiling and waving good bye!

    I think you would have to repeat the dose of lachesis 200x more than once. Lachesis patients do not drink enough water, so toxins build up inside. Try to get her to drink more water, if it is at all possible.

    • Ayesha, this is the craziest suggestion I ever read.

      How can you put anything in anybody's drink or food? What if there was some bad reaction due to some allergy or medical condition? What if this herbal medicines interfered with some other medication they may be taking?

      What you have suggested and have done is simply criminal.

      • Hi Wow!

        Not it's not crazy at all.

        Homeopathy only heals your body system if it is the right medicine. Otherwise, it does nothing. There are no bad effects from homeopathy.

        For example, actea racemosa is for people acting crazy. One woman's mother was taking off her clothes in front of her son in law claiming she was hot at night. A sure sign of the treatment! She gave her mother the medicine and she stopped taking off her clothes. The wife did not want her taking off her clothes for obvious reasons... Did her mother know what she needed? Of course not!

        Lachesis for crazy talk to treat someone with high blood pressure whose system is poisoned by low kidney function is not necessarily able to diagnose their own problem. My mother in law gave it to herself in the hospital, but has now forgotten all her remedies since she has reached extreme old age.

        I use it for my children and my husband to cure all kinds of problems. If the kids cry for no reason, it is chamomila.

        But, if you have no knowledge of healing and you don't know what signs to look for, then of course you should not use this!

    • i realy like this suggestion

  6. I have same situation infact worst than I have no option to live srparately bcoz husbaand is only child.An other problem is tha with all these conditions I have to live with mil alone and husband only visits on weekends as he z doing job in some otger city.what shd I do..

  7. my mother in law made me hate the whole culture and religion...

    • "sad person", I'm sorry to hear about what you experienced. However, it had nothing to do with Islam, since Islam mostly definitely does not teach oppression or slavery to others. In fact, that is the opposite of what Islam teaches. What you experienced were cultural traditions that are common in the Indian subcontinent, regardless of religion. If you allow the evil actions of some people to drive you away from your faith, it is your loss only.

      Wael Editor

      • AOA Amna,

        you can pray! You have a good opportunity to use homeopathy. Look at Dr. Sharma/Dr. Homeo and look at the symptoms. My husband was the ONLY one of 7 children that his mother seemed to manipulate.

        Once, for my pretty sister in law, she left a pitcher of water with bleach out and my sister in law almost died, thinking it was cold water. She drank it and had to go to the hospital.

        You have a right to privacy in your own room. You can take refuge in your prayers. Cry when you are in sajda, and tell Him in your own language what is bothering you. Allah does not need us. We need him!

        Write a letter to Allah. He is always receiving!

        Ask Allah to give you your own home!

        AoA Sad Person,

        Always remember that culture is at fault, not Islam!

        Take homeopathy for sadness/depression or drink turmeric milk to bring you out of depression. It IS a depressing situation.

        At the mosque, I would get food for my mother in law and she would reject it and get her own in front of everyone!
        The mother in law feels old and looks old. She looks at her daughter in law and she looks pretty and young! She cannot compete with that! The mother in law is tired. The daughter in law is so fresh! There is a reason to be full of the green eyed devil!

        Sabr is patience. It is so hard to attain, but so valuable to have! Remember that your ONLY job is to please Allah.

        I told my mother in law straight out one day: You know, if you people don't treat me the way Islam subscribes, then you will just be treating me the same as i would have been treated if I had not become Muslim, so either way, I am not in loss. Meaning: I am used to that and you have lost the status you should have attained by being nice to a convert.

        In a very even voice, say what you mean. If you quote the Quran and ahadith, they cannot object!

        • Dear Wael and Allison-Ayesha

          Thank you for even reaching out to give me a response. I feel really lost and struggling to find a way how to remain patient. I have never been evil to people and never wanted bad for everyone. There has been bad times, but I have been protecting my family from bad people and I have lost my patience. I have always tried to do good even when the person is not nice to me I remain nice and polite. But here I found myself in struggle...It is a long story of struggle as I was hidden away for 5 years as a girlfriend. I know Islam doesn't allow relationship but we were in long distance and were more like best friends and supporters to each other while he was way away for work. During this time I tried my best to get to know her and become friends as he introduced me to her as just a friend. All these things hurt because my culture is opposite and requires parents to be involved if there is any relationship by showing them respect. However I was patient for all these years and seemed like she likes me and I like her. In fact I always done my best to surprise her and make her happy...take her out and be supportive. Until the moment we decided to marry and told his parents. then came all the requirements from their side. Do this, do that, have to be like this have to obey us, have to respect all our relatives and not think about your own good. She even told me I have to ask for permission in everything I do because thats what good daughter in law requires to do.Excuse me but what for? I don't see anything to look up to...If I do then it is my mum who gives me inspiration. There is not a single soul who doesn't adore her because she is real and tell people what she thinks. And she calls herself a good witch and giggles about it. She never lets anyone in sadness or struggle and always does everything to help others to the extent it affects her own health and guess what she is not muslim, neither christian or jew or something else, she is a good human and she loves God .....after all these requirements from in-laws side I have left feeling like I have been a horrible human and my mother has raised a monster not a good person and they are trying to fix me now and my moms job. She even telling me to stop talking so much to my mum because she is the one who I should pay attention more now because I belong to their family...hell no...I belong to myself and God. She think that by spending money on our wedding and doing it her way she is being nice to me but money has never been a matter to me as what I earn I give away to others always and try support my family as much as I can. I am really simple person and dont long for money and being rich. In fact I hate what money does to people. However she seems to think that since she is doing all this she has rights over me. My mother has taught me to be free and to never listen to anyone if they tell you to obey them. There is nothing but God who you need to obey and never a human because because we all are equal doesn't matter what age or royal blood. I don't even have respect queen of England because she hasn't given me a single reason to respect her for. We are all equal and all God's children. She has taught me to respect only ones who respect you and not because they are hundred years old. I have worked in a care home with elderly and seen people who are old and still acting like devils so why do I need to respect them. Despite I still showed them respect but it's sad to see them dying and not even realizing how much sorrow they brought to others ..I rather respect a child who has wisdom and heart in a right place and I will treat him with respect more than 100 year old who doesn't respect me. This is where I started to disagree with it and think that its all wrong and turning me into some sort of slave who has to obey just because their parents and muslim. Their bad parents if they do these things and I have no respect and never will. She has dragged me away from having good relationship and it will definitely show later on when we have our married life and she will not be involved by my side ever. I actually hate her, but I will remain fake polite just to keep it decent if that's what she wants it to be like rather than having a real relationship and common respect for each other as a equal human. It should be common sense for all of us doesn't matter if you religious or not religious we should all respect each other and don't try put someone on their knees. God doesn't want us many people have translated holy books in such a wrong way which makes me realise why others hate and choose to not have any religion. Because of this struggle I have realised I am not a muslim.. I am a God's child and he loves me and has put me on this world to be good, think good and do good. and it shouldnt matter what path I choose to better myself and it shouldnt matter to others or affect their thinking about me. this is why we are all in war by creating such differences and requirements. It makes people struggle and give up on their lives. I fear God but not because it is written in a book by another human.
          It is beautiful what you said Allison-Ayesha and I appreciate your comment but I think have found myself to stand over this by choosing my own path. And I m better as me just being me and not muslim, christian, hindu or something else with all the different sort of requirements and punishments if I don't follow it. I do believe now that religion is world's greatest business plan. Some people benefit from so much while others are blinded by something for the rest of their lives and follow it while missing out on all what life can give them .And it doesn't mean that you have to become can remain good and still take so much from life and be happy. I think God wants us to be happy and share the happiness with others rather than being miserable and obedient. I hope God forgives her and she manages to change her perspective even though I doubt it...I seen to many people dying and regretting their lives, hurting others etc. That gave me reality check to live life to the fullest and love others despite what their beliefs are as long as their doing the same for you. You shouldn't love someone and respect someone if they make you feel miserable. These people need life lesson to understand before it's too late to turn it back. I wish peace and love and good health to everyone.

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