Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother is forcing me to wear short clothes!

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Assalamu Alaikum.

I'm a 14 year old girl and recently, I've been taking Islamic Studies classes in my school and I found a few—well, a lot of new things about ruling in Islam. One of them was covering your ankle as it is considered to be an awrah and another one is not wearing Hijab makes you a non-muslim eventually after you hit puberty. So, I've been desperately trying to convince my mom to let me wear a hijab. However, she doesn't let me wear one and says that I should wear hijab after I get married with the permission of my husband. [THIS IS INTOLERABLE] I kept quiet on that matter and kept on whining to let me wear a hijab. A few days later, when I refused to wear short clothes, she got angry and told me to dress like a behenji and a hijabi. (no, I'm not an Indian. We just happen to know the term). Not only that, she also forces me to post pictures(which show my legs) on fb.

She was never like this before. She always wanted me to wear Hijab once I turned 16. If I wanted to wear before, she would have let me. But now, all she cares about is society and people around us. "What will my sister's daughter say? What if people underestimates us? Oh that girl in the airport wore that, you also have to wear that! Wow, look at this picture! I'll dress you up like that." These things can be constantly heard from her.

I always try to keep my cool as she is my mother but sometimes, I behave rudely with her because of this and I know that it is bad but I make up with her as well. One strange thing is that, she prays 5x a time, along with the Qiyaam al-Layl(night prayers). She even fasts on mondays and thursdays without Ramadan. She sees dreams which come true the next morning.

It's all very jumbled up! If she is practicing, why doesn't she wear a hijab? I heard girls refusing to wear hijabs to their mom but here, I myself want to wear but my mother doesn't want. She wants me to wear short dresses, shorts with short sleeves top and even push-up bras.

What should I do? I'm earning so many sins. I feel very bad, I want to wear Hijab and repent for the days I haven't wear it.

Don't tell me to talk to her about this matter, because she wouldn't listen to me and never let me wear hijab until I'm 18. When I'm 18, I'll be an adult and I can then take my own decisions in US. My father and brother agrees with the decision of me wearing hijab, just not only my mom.

Another Question,

I find it very hard to wake for Fajr prayer, what should I do? Even when my mom calls (I don't know if she does-as I'm sleeping) , I still keep on sleeping. When I wake up, I always get very late or lazy to pray.

Thank you for your time.

saltyysun

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15 Responses »

  1. Salam sister you are a good girl and shaitan is trying to destroy your innocense.Yes he can come through those you love because of weakness in faith. But Islamically no one can stop you from obeying the orders of Allah!!!Not even your parents.So try to use wisdom and go along with it and makeup excuses..You are young so living under thete roof is a big test for you.Build your Iman and learn quran and connected to Allah .They say dua is the weapon of a believer!!!!!!! One who obeys Allah oders and helps Allahs deen .Allah will help you especially your purity.....It said one of the people that will be under Allahs shade on the day of judgement will be the youth....hadith....

  2. Im sorry but if my mum was like your mum i would fight back and not listen to her. Also if i chose to wear hajib i would and will no one has a right to tell me what i cannot do even the right thing being halaal. Your mum needs serious mental health assessment i would referral her to a professional no offence. This is more shocking behaviour and certainly not islamic. To have a mum like this i would be worried.

    • Samina: Also if i chose to wear hajib i would and will no one has a right to tell me what i cannot do even the right thing being halaal. Your mum needs serious mental health assessment i would referral her to a professional no offence.

      OP is only 14 years old. You are saying Hijab is halal but you don't wear it. OP can start wearing regular clothes to cover herself well instead of shorts, short dresses and push up bras.

      I have a feeling some women/girls may wear burqa style clothing because they don't feel comfortable with their body. OP can do what ever she wants when she is 18 or gets married.

      If a girl is very active in Internet chatrooms, FB, skype etc, it may makes little difference whether she is .......... I think suggesting her mum needs serious mental health assessment is going a little bit too far.

      • @SVS Whether she 18 or 14 she has her own mind in fact this girl is very brave masAllah she sounds alot maturer than she is. I do not agree with any parents making their children do things that they are not comfortable with. Her mum should be the one protecting her child not exploring her which could cause her izsaat/RESPECT. I too started to wear hajib and every woman should have the right to wear clothes suitable for them with islamic law.

  3. OP: I've been desperately trying to convince my mom to let me wear a hijab. Not only that, she also forces me to post pictures(which show my legs) on fb...It's all very jumbled up! If she is practicing, why doesn't she wear a hijab? I heard girls refusing to wear hijabs to their mom but here, I myself want to wear but my mother doesn't want. She wants me to wear short dresses, shorts with short sleeves top and even push-up bras....

    Start wearing hijab at home. so your mom will get used to it. Say no too short dresses, shorts and push-up bras even at home. Only pictures with hijab on the facebook.

  4. i have a feeling your mom is trying to live her youth age again thru you by making you do things she wished to do. may be she wants you to be seen as a modern pretty gal. i have a feeling she may be dressing as young woman too and seeking attention......

  5. Salaams-
    In my opinion, you may be held accountable for what is going on. You need to be tougher and stand your ground. I mean it's not like your mom will walk over and yank the modest clothing and hijab off of you, now will she? Put it on, no matter what she says. Sure, she will most likely be VERY upset/disappointed at your decision, but believe me, you would much rather face her anger and disappointment than potential punishment in the hereafter.

    I hope this helps you and your situation.
    ~muslima01

    • First of all, I know she wouldn't do something like yanking off my hijab but it's just that I need to have something that can be used as a hijab. I don't have enough money to buy myself modest clothes or even a scarf. I'm only 14, and I live with my parents in a country which is not like USA—where you can get a part-time job to earn money. I'm dependent on my parents, until I finish studying and get myself a job.

      • I am sorry to hear that sis. I am 14 as well and I can't imagine what that must feel like. At this point the most you can do is pray to Him(swt) and keep making dua that He makes things easier on you inshallah. Sorry for being rather judgemental earlier, I guess I didn't realize the seriousness of this. Inshallah Allah sees your efforts and rewards you for at least trying.

      • Salam Sister,
        You can ask your father for money or explain the situation to a Muslim friend and ask for help getting a scarf. Which country are you located in?

  6. As-salamu Alaykum,
    I think you should talk to your father and explain the situation to him in more detail. If he lives in the same home, I am sure that your father knows what is going on, but maybe he does not realize how much these things are affecting you. Hopefully he will support your choices and make it possible for you to wear hijab along with more conservative clothing. As the man of the house, he is in a position to have a serious talk with your mother about these issues. No one should be forced to pose on FB, much less in clothing that is revealing or uncomfortable for any reason.

    Regarding Fajr prayer, make sure you go to bed early and set your alarm for the right time. If you have the intention to wake up, it will become easy for you, Insha'Allah. If you have a close Muslim friend, perhaps you can call each other each morning and hold each other accountable. Usually, the hardest part is getting out of bed...so if you can at least get yourself out of bed, the rest should not be a problem. But if you are in the habit of staying up late at night, you should break this habit.

  7. Assalaamualaikam

    Is it possible that your mother might be behaving like this in an attempt to protect you? There are some unpleasant and closed-minded people in the world who can react negatively to seeing someone who is "visibly" Muslim (eg. someone wearing traditionally Islamic clothing), so her pushing for you to wear visibly non-Islamic things might be due to concern that these people might upset you. This isn't to say that she's right, though - it would be better if she could encourage you to wear hijab and dress modestly.

    But understanding why someone holds an opinion can help in changing their mind. If your mother is concerned about this, it might help if she sees some positive role models of sisters who wear hijab - maybe talk to her about a sister who has done well in her line of work or one of your favourite school subjects? Maybe you and she could start going to a sisters-only study group or a charity project through your local mosque or community centre - inshaAllah there should be plenty of sisters there who dress modestly, and being surrounded by positive examples of women feeling confident to wear modest clothing might help your mother see that this is a good thing rather than a potential problem.

    Rather than having the clothing issue become a stand-off (this can cause people to hold to their original position much more strongly, out of pride), talk with your mother about her choices and encourage her to come to compromises with you. For example, if she picks out a knee-length skirt for you to wear, you could say that you were thinking of wearing a top that she likes but that wouldn't go with that skirt - and suggest an ankle-length skirt instead. If she wants you to wear a short sleeved top, you could agree but say that you want to wear it with a cardigan as well, keep the cardigan on, and then comment to her that although you liked the pattern on the top, the material wasn't very warm, so you might want to wear it with a cardigan next time as well. That way you're encouraging her to see your own clothing choices as part of your developing identity and style, and to appreciate the practical benefits of modest clothing - such as staying warm! Gradually, inshaAllah she should come to accept your own personal style choices, and she might even start to suggest modest clothing choices herself...

    Your father might also be able to talk with your mother about this. Don't try to set them against each other, but you could ask him about why your mother has these opinions - maybe say that you heard in class about how important these things are, and it confuses you that your mother seems so opposed to them at the moment. Rather than framing it as "why is she wrong?", explain that you're trying to understand what your teachers told you and why you're getting different messages at home, so that you can be sure you do the right thing. InshaAllah your father should then be able to help out, and he might be able to explain why your mother has these opinions.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  8. Salam Saltyysun,

    I am the only one in my family that wears hijab. Majority of people from my community do not wear hijab. I am the only one in my work place that wears hijab.

    My dear mum dislikes hijab. My sisters dislikes hijab. My brothers dislikes hijab. My aunts dislikes hijab. My uncle's dislikes hijab. Most of my cousins dislikes hijab.

    My mum too wants me to wear fitted and minis and reveal my hair. My sisters says instead of hijab I should wear wig to cover my hair. Others say to wear some sort of hat.

    Literally everyone around me have negative opinion about hijab; but yet I wear it.

    And Alhmadulillah with grace from Allah swt many people likes the way I wear my hijab. I get many complements. And these are the people that don't even like hijab for themselves.

    I always wear loose garments and opaque. And with my hijab I give full coverage to my front.

    At the beginning wearing hijab was extremely tough for me. My mum, my brothers and my sisters made me cry so muchhhhhh over this hijab. I was pretty much your age 14ish that I realised I need to wear hijab but I was always scared to wear because of my family! I started to wear hijab much later (at age of 27!).

    My mum says that if I didn't wear hijab I would have been married by now. To which I agree. I did used to get proposals before wearing hijab. But now I don't. However, I don't find it shocking because I already knew that majority of the guys from my community doesn't like hijab. So i was prepared to face the consequences; and I sincerely want to marry a good practising Muslim brother from my own community that wants his wife to wear hijab for the right reasons. I am now Alhmadulillah 32! But Alhmadulillah I still look very young for my age. And of course I am worried that I am still not married, because I really want to have a good Muslim family of my own.

    Anyways sister, despite all the worldly minus points on hijab, I would still encourage you to wear hijab because it is fard in Islam and if you do wear it from good heart you will definitely find ways to be stronger to face this world ( ie. your respected mother) with hijab. I wore my hijab unexpectedly. Not in a million years my family expected hijab within family but now they have me as an hijabi. They don't like hijab but yet they are nice to me just the way they used to be before my hijab days.

    The way Allah swt made it easy for me, in Shaa Allah HE will make it easy for you too.

    Xxx

    Ps. Please don't be mean to your mother. Wear hijab but do not disrespect your mother. With time your family will understand your choice and will accept you with your choice.

    Also, the sooner you wear hijab the more focused and practising Muslim you will become (I.e you will be more mindful of your prayers and behaviour), in Shaa Allah. - This was and still is the case for me - i have become very mindful, Alhmadulillah.

    Best wishes. May Allah swt make it easy for you, ameen (:

  9. I had the same problem. I was 12 and my sister was 15. My mother wouldn't let us wear it and when we confronted her she just made fun of us so we did it anyways. My dad helped us buy the hijabs. It's ben 3 years now and I am 15 and my sister is 18 and she is still angry and tells us that we will go to he'll because we don't listen to her but wallahi it was the best decision I have made in my entire life!

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