My mother is mean to me and I feel empty inside
I have been married for 15 years now and my husband has been good to me, I really cannot complain. He has respected me, my parents, and my siblings and fulfilled his duties with them.
Unfortunately, I am so sad and depressed because my mother is making me feel so bad to the limit that it is affecting my life. I know she loves me dearly, but I do not understand her behavior sometimes.
She had a tough childhood and marriage. She has been divorced for 25 years now and is living alone, and is close to my brother and sisters who live closer to her. I live in another country thousands of miles away, and quite frankly I want it that way because I cannot support anymore the blames and criticisms and living in the past (she says things like I love my father and help him financially even though he made her life miserable, she has done a lot for me...). I always listen to her and never answered back to her, but I feel that she should let go of the past. What am I doing wrong?
- I do send her money every month, and contributed the 2/3 of the house she bought.
- I only call her once a week and when I do call, I feel almost sick in my stomach because I wonder what she is going to reproach me with this time.
- When she learns (most of the time from my siblings) that I have sent some money to my dad she is furious and does not even talk to me on the phone or is very cold.
- I am very ashamed sometimes because she has been so disrespectful to my husband at times, but he has tried to keep his cool and never answered back. He has tried to please her several times by naming our first child after her, giving her the first deposit for her house, welcoming her in our house (cooking for her, buying her clothe, offering her spa treatment to rest....)
But now I sense that my husband is fed up, and he is ready to fight back. I have become very sad and quiet because of this situation (it is on and off- it is like my mother is playing with our emotions). We always try to stay humble and go back to her by doing our duties, however now my heart is empty. I feel very empty and really want to stay away. I have my own problems that I am trying to handle myself without involving anyone, and dealing with her is depressing and heavy on my marriage.
I know it is not right to think like that but I am tired of these emotional games. I tried to explain my feelings to her a year ago, and she and my siblings did not speak to me for a whole year. I was alone and very hurt and stopped talking and sharing a lot with them. I feel like totally detaching myself and cutting contact to regain my sanity and focus on my own family. Before I used to be happy because they were happy, but every time there is a problem it reflects on my mood toward my husband who has not done anything wrong to me.
What should I do? I feel bad that I am having these feelings and it has changed me a lot.
-soukeyna
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Assalam alaikum sister Soukeyna,
It was really sad to hear about you situation especially because it sounds like you are doing your best to make all those around you happy. It is natural for you to feel how you do when there is an unnecessary rift being caused between yourself and your husband. May Allah strengthen your bond with your husband fill your hearts with more and more love towards each other, Ameen.
I would like to say that it is no doubt difficult to handle your mother because it isn't the expected behaviour of a mother, but nonetheless, some mothers are like this unfortunately. The challenging thing to do is to put your efforts forward as your duty towards your mother, but do not worry about her reaction or feelings--she is responsible and in control of those things. You are responsible and in control of your own actions and you have burdened yourself with how others are supposed to feel and react--Allah will not burden us with more than we can bear, but sometimes we burden ourselves with things that are neither in our control nor our responsibility.
It is too bad that whoever is informing your mother about your relationship with your father, because, since they are divorced, these relationships should be kept separate and respected. You don't mind a thing anyone says--remember that Allah will reward you for your efforts and He sees all.
I am not sure if you really need to be spending money on your parents, your husband and you probably know better about the situation, but I do think you need to give your marriage full attention. Perhaps it should be a bit of a "time-out" period between your mother and husband. Just play it cool, talk to your family (as you don't want to cut ties), but when they become critical, either respectfully say that you want to talk about something else or cut the conversation short. I am not sure arguing with them or justifying yourself will be productive from the sounds of it. The part you are doing wrong is listening and then keeping it in your mind and heart--listen with one ear and let it out the other. With constructive criticism, there should be discussion of what a good daughter/sister you are--and if there isn't, you have to set up boundaries to not only protect yourself, but protect your marriage--and do not feel guilty about that.
Starting now, shower your husband with attention and love and give your marriage 110%; set your boundaries to protect your family; do your duty to please Allah; do not feel guilty one bit about the happiness you feel in your family.
May Allah ease your difficulties, Ameen.
Assalam alaikum Br. Wael,
Just to let you know that my comments are still on moderation 😐
You mentioned it was not done by the site, as I understood--but is it possible to change/fix it?
JazakAllah.
Dear Sisiter,
I can understand your emotional pain and suffering because of your mother. As your mother had a tough childhood and marriage, this has affected her personality severely. Its natural that she doesn't like your helping your dad financially. its really hard to let go such things. It seems your mother is undergoing some depression. you must arrange for her consultation with some doctor preferably some Muslim who can make her understand and accept things in light of Islam. I also feel that your helping your dad should have been secret(so i would suggest that in future try to keep it a secret) and i could not understand why your sibling had to disclose that to your mother unnecessarily?? when you tried to explain your feelings to you mother and she didnt talk to you for sometime, it can be understood but why you siblings also did that, i get this question in my mind? I am unable to make out the intentions of your siblings, who inspite of standing with you and appreciating you for what that you have been doing for your mother inspite of sitting thousand miles away, they stood with the mother for NO valid reasons! you need to assess your siblings' feelings and motives.
Masha-allah your husband has served your mother like a son and now your mother has ruined this relationship and you are torn between both of them. when he has been good to you and your mother as well and now when things are getting ugly between both of you then i think it is wise you for to focus on your family (your husband & kids) first and do not get too much into your mother's matter. you just do the best you can do for her and that's it. leave everything on Allah(Swt). If your mother is not realizing but Allah(Swt) is watching everything. when you have to call your mother, prepare your mind to hear usual negative talks and pay no attention to them, try to divert the topics while talking, talk about Islam, your kid etc. Do not stress yourself because of all this. Remind yourself that you are not JUST a daughter but a wife and a mother and a home maker too and you have your duties to them as well, if you stress yourself, it will affect not just you but whole you family. your taking stress or feeling pained will not better your mother. Be practical in this.
i am not married though but i am also having a tough time with my mother. we dont get along as such. my mother has flaws and faults too. things had got too ugly between us that we didnt talk for almost two years inspite of living in the same house. just like you i felt for her but she made things too difficult and complicated for me just like your mother.
but now i realize that we should follow what Quran says to be good to parents if even they are not. they are not going to be with us life long, who knows when they or we die. Even if they are not good to us (who knows may be we are at fault too without realizing - for example, to be too sensitive also become a fault, sometimes we get blind for one reason or another) we should just do our best in light of Islam and leave everything on Allah(swt). Thinking too much, feeling too much, concerning too much give nothing to anyone, it just makes us more pained and stressful. now i have taken initiatives to be in good terms with my mother, i have got rejection couple of times, sometimes,i have felt like to give up. sometimes she says such negative or weird things that i feel so stressed that i will like to give up everything, just to disconnect myself from her. but then i remind myself she is my mother, whatever i am today, i got through her. but now i try to have a balanced thinking and behavior towards her. if she says something (which i dont agree to or if its some kind of blame on me) i just ignore that thinking like ' its her opinion', ' allah (swt) knows what the reality is. That's it. I still have a long way to go to have good relation with my mother but insha-allah i wont give up, i have realized that disconnecting helps nowhere, if i keep trying, insha-allah i will get success or atleast i will be saved from feeling guilty for not trying in future (especially when they are gone to almighty).
In your case, your duty are first towards your husband, your kid and your family, then you can focus on your mother. just keep doing your best and leave everything on Allah(swt). And yes, if possible, arrange to take your mother to some psychologist for her depression treatment.
Hope i will be of some help. Take Care
Your Sister
Sister Saba has rightly said "Allah will not burden us with more than we can bear, but sometimes we burden ourselves with things that are neither in our control nor our responsibility."
ASSALAMALAIAKUM-
DEAR SOUKENYA IN MY EXPERIENCE OF 50 YEARS THIS IS MY REPLY-
THAT USUALLY THE NATURE OR YOU CAN CALL IT FRUSTRATION ITS VERY HIGH IN DIVORCEES AND MAY BE THIS MIGHT BE THE REASON FOR THE BREAKUP ALSO THEY USUALLY LOOSE TEMPER VERY FAST AND DONT THINK TWISE THAT THIS WILL BREAK THEIR MARRIED LIFE AND FINALLY THEY LAND UP ALONE, IN 25 YEARS THIS HAS BUILT UP MORE AND BECAME VERY TOUGH-
YOU HAVE TO BE FAR AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE SO THAT YOUR LIFE IS NOT EFFECTED WITH YR LOVING-HUSBAND AND IT IS NOT FARZ TO SEE YR MOTHER INSPITE OF ALL YR HELP-
REGARDS
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Your husbands rights over you are greater than the rights of your mother over you.