Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mum disowned me!

Crying Muslim Woman

Asalamualaikum all,

I am in a predicament and I need advice. So, we have these family friends (a husband and a wife) and they have helped us a lot, financially. Anyway, yesterday, I was not in the right frame of mind as my exams are in May Insha Allah and I was not in good mood. Anyway, like I said the husband (family friend) called us yesterday and all I said was 'what does he want' before my mum picked up the call. After the call, my mum started saying to me that 'you are so ungrateful, these people have helped us so much and you say this about them'. As I wasn't in good mood, all I said was 'so what, I didn't say anything wrong'. After hearing this, my mum started saying that 'you are a very bad girl, someone helps us and you talk behind their back'. I said 'mum, you do the same when you are not in good mood, when someone calls us, and you don't feel like talking, you say the same things' (I said this by yelling).

Then my mum got angry and said 'how dare you yell at me' and threw her mobile phone at me. It hit my knee and it is still hurting. I said 'mum, have you become crazy?'. After I said that. My mum started verbally abusing me and then she got up and started attacking me. She pulled my hair to the point I felt like my scalp will separate from my skull (and she knows that I am so concious about my hair, my hair are so thin that in the sunlight, my scal is visible, I cry because I am still young and my hair are so thin, but my mum didn't care and she pulled on them so hard that still as I'm typing this, my scalp is hurting so much). Then, she tried to strangle me, I still have red marks and scratches all over my neck. Then, she slapped my face and scratched left side of my face and my face started bleeding. Then, she scratched my hands that the palm of my hands started bleeding. And, then she kicked me several times. I was so fed up by the time she stopped that I actually told her to continue beating me because what else could she have done to not hurt me. My face was bleeding, my hand was bleeding. Then she went downstairs and was yelling that how dare I called her crazy. My sister went to her. During all this my sister was trying to stop her. Then, my mum said to my sister that she is disowning me by taking Oath on Allah and that she wants nothing to do with me. She said that she doesn't care if I go away as she has severed ties with me. Then, she said that 'this bitch is still not self-sufficient, we are still feeding her from our money and she dares calls me crazy'. She also said that she doesn't ever want to see my face. My sister was also taking her side by this time.

At night, my sister and I share a room so I was laying down in pain. My sister came and went to sleep. I cried all night long. But, my sister didn't care. She didn't even ask me if I was ok. As I couldn't sleep. I got up, made wudhu and prayed to Allah to forgive me for yelling at mum and calling her crazy. I was angry and I just wanted her to know that she also speaks behind other people's backs. But, according to my sister as she is our mum, I have no right to question her. I also asked Allah to make mum realise that what she did was wrong. She beat me so much that I bled. I broke a rule of Islam that I misbehaved with my mum and I asked for forgiveness from Allah. But, my mum also broke rules. She beat me on my face which isn't allowed and she severed ties with me.

In the morning when my sister woke me up (I had just gone to sleep because I couldn't sleep all night as I was in pain). My sister could see that my left side of the face is completely scratched and bruised. But, she didn't show any care. She went up to mum and I could hear that she was telling mum about me that 'she cried all night because of the pain' but my mum said 'I don't care, I have nothing to do with her, she isn't my daughter'. Then, my sister came back in the room and I told her that I was crying all night, you didn't even care and my sister responded with 'I was angry, because you misbehaved with mum so I don't care'. I told her that as misbehaving with parents isn't allowed then hitting children isn't allowed too and there are circumstances in which you can hit but hitting on the face isn't allowed at all. She said 'I deserve it for misbehaving with mum'.

Now, they are both in the other room and I'm here crying as I'm not a kid. I'm 22 years old. And, she beat me so badly. I have my exams next month and I can't even concentrate and they know it is my last year in Uni. I feel so depressed. I already suffer from depression, migraine, anxiety and panic attacks. And, some years ago, I had a stroke too.

I do realise that I have an anger problem. And, this isn't the first time where I raised my voice while talking to mum. We have had arguments before too. And I have apologised every time. But, is my mum justified for beating me like that and severing ties with me? I am her daughter and I wouldn't ever do that to my own kids. I feel very bad and I have cried and repented in front of Allah. But, I know if I apologise to mum now, as she's very angry, she wouldn't care or listen. That's why I want to give her time. But, is this it? Has she in real disowned me? Is she allowed to? I'm scared.

LostForever

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26 Responses »

  1. If it were my mom, you would be in coma by now so count yourself lucky!

    You're also lucky that your sister didn't join in to give you a good smacking!!

    We're are Muslims and we NEVER TALK BACK or disobey our parents!! What your mom does affects your mom. It gives you no right to disrespect her and then rob it to her face like that!

    When you said you're young I thought you meant 15/16.But 22, come on!!

    Give her time to cool down then approach her , go down on your knees and sincerely apologise to her!

    • This is more worrying than the post. No she shouldnt count herself lucky, that was a terrible over reaction by her mother.

    • You are WRONG.

      "1) It is prohibited to beat children such that it harms or injures them. The beating or smacking should not cause injury, and it should not be in the face or on to a lethal site; rather it should be on the shoulder, legs or the hands, which would not cause him to die. It is also prohibited to hit on face as Prophet forbade it.
      2) It is prohibited to beat children for ones own desire to punish in anger rather than to discipline them.
      3) It is also not allowed to strike more than 10 times as Rasuallah forbade it."

      Stop acting foolish and bringing your culture into it.

      Her mother had no right to do such a thing.

      In my eyes, her mother deserves the same pain she inflicted on her own daughter.

      Eye for an eye.

    • What you have just said is utterly disgusting, you can’t say she’s deserved that when we know you’ve probably spoken back to your parents too don’t judge someone when they’re trying to seek help if you can’t say anything good keep your mouth shut

  2. Your mom has a psychotic disorder. Don't do anything. Just pray to Allah.

  3. OP: husband (family friend) called us yesterday and all I said was 'what does he want' before my mum picked up the call. After the call, my mum started saying to me that 'you are so ungrateful, these people have helped

    Where is your father? I don't see any thing wrong with your question "what does he want". Aren't your mom, you and your sister non-mahram to this guy? You can never tell what is going on this guy's mind. Does he call often? Does he try to talk to you and your sister?

    Your anger and your mom's behavior shows there is a lot of stress in your family. You need to calm down and your mom will realize what she did was wrong and try to make every thing normal.

    You suffer from depression, migraine, anxiety and panic attacks. And, some years ago, you had a stroke too. I am sure you have fully recovered from stroke. Problems (depression, migraine, anxiety and panic attacks) you have are some times related to bad childhood.

    It is very important you concentrate on your exams

  4. Sister,

    Go to your mother and apologize. Do whatever it takes to make peace between you. In the end of the day, no matter what...she is your mother. I buried my own mother several months ago. Her death came quick and unexpected. I look back and think about the things I could have done for her or said to her. Alas, time is no more. You only get one mother. Each day that you wait to talk with your mother, will simply make it harder. Just do it. Go and make peace with your mother. You will feel better and be at peace with yourself for it. Allah hu alem.

    Salam

  5. As Salam O Alaikum sis

    First thing..

    - If that family friend of yours has helped you all financially. My question is Why ? Where is your father ? You dont have a brother ? No one is earning in your family ? Where that family friend of yours called ? On your landline or your moms mobile ?
    Why did your mother get so hyper ? If the question asked by you was genuine even though you were off mood.

    - Why did your mom get so fussy when all you asked was What he wants? Why did your mother get aggresive on that sentence. Did you require monetary help at that moment too ? If not why had he called ? Thats so foolish to get agressive upon.

    No mom would like to hurt her own kid this way. Not even an animal (mom) does like that with her own kid no matter however big he / she becomes. This is really troublesome even to read.

    You please let her take her own time to cool down and then sit and talk with her peacefully. Is there any other trouble going on around within your family ?

  6. Dear Sister,

    I feel for you as we (all six siblings) too have been subjected to parents' torture since childhood. I had my knuckles of both hands beaten to blood by my mom when I was 5 or 6 just because I failed to answer her a simple math question 3-2.5=?. She once hit my sisters' head with a plastic tray so hard that it broke in half, and yes it was PLASTIC, not glass. She often used to lock me up in my room and gave beatings for hours. The worst part is that after she had enough, she used to come hugging us and say "Please don't let your dad know that I beat you.." and we being little kids used to be like "okay mom don't worry". Now that we've grown up, we've realized she never wanted our dad to know how brutal she had been. She was once about to stab a full-sized scissors in my eldest sister's neck when I jumped in and saved her. Today, I don't blame my sister if she hates my mom to bits. Our mom made sure to keep our dad from knowing about her beatings and if any of us secretly complained him, he never took us serious and responded by "All moms beat their children so your mom is no different".

    As a result of those beatings we saw an aggression being developed in our personalities as we grew up. This aggression has completely destroyed our confidence and we don't possibly seem to get rid of it. We are all short-tempered adults and fight with one another over little things. We have no concept of "tolerance". We get caught up by inferiority complex if any of our friend/colleague brags about his/her parents loving and pampering him/her even after he's a grown-up adult (by adult, I mean an age group of 22-26). This aggression has negatively affected us in many ways. I have often shouted before my mom and dad while arguing with them but every-time that I gain my senses back, I repent to Allah. This aggression has become a part of my nature and I am completely helpless to overcoming it.

    There is also a positive side of it. We are all more than determined (InshaAllah) to not be like our parents when it comes to bringing-up our own children. My wife is in her 7th month and alongside praying for her health and easy delivery, I also pray to Allah every moment every second that he give us both the "hidayat" and never makes us treat our children the way our parents treated us. We are more concerned about us being the best parents that we once wanted our own parents to be like. To me, being the best parent doesn't mean buying you the most expensive thing out there. If your child comes to you and shares every bit of his feeling and whatever that goes on in his/her mind and later-on finds himself at ease by doing so, that's when you've won your child's confidence. That's when you can call yourself THE BEST PARENT.

    The only thing I have failed to understand is that most parents nowadays don't even think where their actions today would lead their children tomorrow. But sister, that doesn't mean we turn against them. Allah has defined certain boundaries for us when it comes to treating our parents. Being good muslims, we should never cross those boundaries.

    My dear sister, please forgive me if I have not been able to give you a proper advice as I myself am seeking one. The best I could do was to lessen your stress by sharing my personal experiences with my parents and to make you realize that there are people out there you who've been through more than you had.

    • Brother i am so touched how you have managed to bear torture of ur very own mother and still never told ur dad.. brother i am sure you will be an amazing dad dont worry, take very good care of ur wife try to avoid aggression, read duas of reducing aggression they will help
      .. INSHA ALLAH every thing will be fine

    • This was really inspiring to read. Thank you for sharing your experience! I too want to become a parent one day and can relate to wanting to be a good parent by sharing a close bond with my children where they feel they can tell me anything. I had a difficult childhood in terms of bullying at school and then a difficult relationship with my mum and want to be there for my children as an emotional support while they grow up. I wish you all the best with parenthood and pray Allah blesses you with a happy healthy baby. Ameen

  7. Asalaam alaikum. I pray youre feeling better. This was sad to read. You said what does he want- yes its quite rude. we have close family friends and it was disrespectful to speak that way. However, your mother over reacted majorly. Do you end up in situations like this often ? You also acted foolishly by continuing to answer her back. You did say something wrong. You were in a bad mood because youre tired from exams that doesn't give you a reason to speak to people that way on the phone, you could have just passed the phone on, its what I do. But we're all human, we say things when were tired. You added more fuel to the fire by saying 'mum are you crazy' yes she over reacted majorly! She should not have done those things to you. They were extreme. I would say try not to engage her or she will do this again, if she hasnt done this before already. We all slip up sometimes, If she starts to get angry, just say OK and walk away. Leave the room, go to your own. This wasnt a normal reaction she had. We dont know the backstory but if she does this type of thing often then you need to distance yourself and be good to her give her her rights but do not allow this to happen to you. Apologise and leave it at that.

  8. Salam sister.

    I hope you are well and have recovered. Your story resonates deeply with me and I can almost feel the situation you are in. It is very difficult to keep your cool when you are already stressed out but that is the most important thing. I struggle with this too but just try to remain silent as if both people are arguing then it just adds flames to the fire. If one of my parents gets angry with something I say I just try to remain quiet and wait for them to calm down. Then at a later time try to explain the situation from your point of view. Yes you were wrong to answer back but it seems like you have acknowledged that and repented to Allah so I don't know why some people are making such harsh judgements. I seems like you live in a stressful family environment which I know can be difficult especially when trying to get work done. You need to explain you have work to do and how important it is. You have to tell people your situation and not just assume they will understand as often they won't.

    Try to speak to someone about your issues outside of the family if you think that it will help. Go to see your GP about your depression and see if they can give you some therapy to help. Or if you go to college or university go to the counselling service there. It will give you someone to speak to and get things off your chest. It can be difficult to make that first step to seek help but at your age you need to start taking responsibility of your own health and taking control of your own life. In sha Allah.

    I agree with you about her not hitting you it is not permitted in Islam (not in that way anyway) and parents have a right to be loving to their children and give them guidance and respect. Don't challenge them but try to get them to see this and your mum will probably stop her abuse as she will feel ashamed for her actions. Pray for yourself and your family members.
    May Allah guide us all and help us in our struggles. Ameen

  9. I myself married a married man my parents disowned me i am 41 years old,i have suffered alot my daughter died of cancer and nobody was there for me i spent so many years crying,i asked for forgiveness so many times from my parents yet they still didnt forgive me,since i was 17 my parents disowned me over 20 years do i really deserve that big punishment ,my sisters constantly rub it in my face how i have nobody and they have family,they even said if you kill yourself you will do us a favour,i suffer from severe depression and anxiety i am alone ano suffering,do i deserve this,i am alone and lost in this world

    • Zubeda, no, you don't deserve this. But you will have to accept that your family are not kind people and that you will not get the love you need from them. If you have good friends, then strengthen your relationship with them. If you're not married, seek a good man for marriage. Build your own circle of family and friends. May Allah make it easy for you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Salaam thankyou for the rooleply,I have a couple of friends and I am married with a 17 year old son,I still feel hurt and bitter,will Allah swt ever forgive me,I see people with their families and I think if only I didn't take that step I would have family to,I have no inner peace and always ask Allah swt to forgive me,has Allah swt punished me that's why my daughter died,plz help me find my peace

    • i pray your okay and things are better for you

      • Thanks amna I am struggling a lot,I am really Lost very lost,don't think I will rest until my time comes ,plz pray for me,ur comments mean a lot to mex

        • Salam Zabeeda,

          I read through your post and I think it will help you to change the way you think. I've tried this technique myself and it helps a lot: No matter what, are the words that you are saying to yourself the truth?

          Ask yourself this question every time you have a depressing thought and try to challenge what you think is true. As an example I'll try it with what you said. You said that yous sister doesn't care about you and didn't even ask to see how you were doing. And you used this to convince yourself that she doesn't care. If this was true then why would your sister go to your mother and tell her that you have been crying the whole night? Why try to make your mother reconcile with you if she doesn't care? Therefore it must be true that your sister actually cares regardless of whether she asked you how you were doing. And by you picking at what she didn't do, you are just pushing yourself towards a depression that is based on false assumptions.

          Now as for your mother, she has a lot of pride, does wrong things too and doesn't tolerate you pointing out her faults. I don't think what you said was wrong enough to warrant her actions but she is who she is. She wanted to correct your behavior and didn't know how, so she first resorted to violence and when that didn't work, she threw her hands up and said she is disowning you. From her behavior I can guess that she does not read the Quran everyday. Reading the Quran with understanding changes a person's character. She would've realized that she shouldn't break family ties and would not resort to disowning you. She would've feared Allah for her actions of pulling your hair and would not have done so.

          As for you, if you don't already, please read a few lines of the Quran every morning and at night with understanding, the Quran actually asks that you do this. See the Quran as a command from Allah and that you must follow it, and fear the hellfire which is eternal. Do this and in about 1-2 years the way you think will change and so will your life as result of this.

          • Salaam I think you got me confused with the person who actually wrote this post,I wrote my story in the comments not the initial post,thanks everybody for the support you have shown really thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

        • I sure did, I put in the wrong name. Sorry about that.

  10. Hello, LostForever. I read all of your post, and I heard you. I’ve been in your position so I can understand. I’m not going quote something from a text or tell you my opinion because I read in your post what you already think and I believe if is totally valid. As someone who has been hurt and wants their mother and their sister to acknowledge their pain, know (even though it’s from a screen) that someone else from another part of the world gets it. If I had to offer you practical advice, then it would be don’t talk back (for now), I know how angry you feel, write down every time this happens to keep a record of it, if it gets worse go to the police wherever you are from. Religion, and culture do not come into this. Your parents are supposed to protect you, not own you as a piece of property. Best of luck, and I hope you are still in one piece.

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