Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Muslim family hates black people

Somali men

Somali men at the beach

Asallem alaykoum,

I am a 20 year old Moroccan female who wishes to marry a Somalian (muslim) man. However, my mother has always sworn that she will never accept me to marry a black man.

I feel so heartbroken because my entire family hate black people and see them as lesser humans than them (Astarfurallah). However, I have never shared this attitude and I have always defended black people whenever they bring them up in discussion and say racist things about them.

It's horrible to know that my family will never accept this marriage and I don't know what to do. He is very religious, speaks arabic and knows more Quran than I do!!! But they do not care about this and are adamant to marry me to a Moroccan man. It is really breaking my heart as I love him a lot and I wish my family would see him the way I do.

What hurts me the most, is there are many Moroccan men my age who are not very religious, and are known for doing haraam things. Obviously, I am aware that this is a minority but it still saddens me to know that there is a very good hearted Muslim man wanting to marry me, but my parents are willing to reject him just because he is black.

What should I do about this?

Salma89

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6 Responses »

  1. Wallaykumassalaam Salma 89,

    I feel you. This is a very hard challenge, but you have to believe that because Allah has given you good values, He will not desert you and will be your strength through this. The first thing you should do is try to reason with your parents some more, even if it's hard or if they interrupt you. Keep repeating the same thing to them and ask them if they'd like to see you happy in life. Do not accept any "Moroccan" proposals in the meantime. Keep talking to them about this man, and in a soft but firm tone of voice. State that you do not share or agree with their attitude toward black people and that you will "not change your mind." In time, if you reject any other proposals coming your way, your parents will have to concede that you will not be marrying a Moroccan simply because he is "Moroccan." That you want to marry a man of your choice. You have no choice here but to try your hardest and hope for the best. Pray a 2-rakat Nafl or Hajah prayer several times until a situation of peace has been reached. Inshallah you will convince your parents in time.

    Ask your parents this: If they had a life-threatening illness and the only doctor in town was "black," would his skin color prevent them from seeking his services? Is he not a human like any other then?

    Hugs,

    Nor

  2. You are only 20. You probably don't even know what love is. TRUST ME. Do not go against your family right now. You will find "love" again, however you will never get a new family. Everything can be replaced if lost. One can get a new spouse, one can have children again if he/she loses a child, one can get fortune again if he/she has lost it. One can never get new parents nor siblings as they cannot be replaced.

    You have to decide whether it is worth it to lose your whole family for one man, this man, and you also have to think that this man may not even work out in the end.

    Your family is wrong to think about Blacks this way. This is un islamic. They cannot force you to marry anyone against your will, nor can they stop you. Islam gives you rights. You have A LOT of time, you're young. Give other men a chance. You don't need to get married right away. If you find someone else that you family likes too, this will be better. If after all this you still don't find someone and still love this man, then go ahead and marry this man but you have to be prepared to lose your family. You family might come around to accept this man eventually but there is also a big possibility that they will never accept it and cut off all relations with you. ONLY you have to decide what you are willing to give up and how much you are willing to give up.

  3. I had a similar issue a long time ago. I come from an Albanian family and Albanians are usually not very open to non-European nationalities. I realized I had to decide if I wanted a strained relationship to my entire family or just trust God that there might be someone out there both myself and my family will love. I was only 19 when I was convinced I needed to marry a Turkish man, but I gave that idea up to not start a conflict with my family. I don't regret my decision for a minute, because I'm now married to the best man in the world and my family adores him, too. Our relationship is amazing, and everyone is happy. Including myself.

    What I'm trying to say that is that...I feel like people place way too much importance on someone they like and want to be with. I don't believe in soul mates, so I don't believe I'm only compatible with one single person in this entire world. I don't believe that if I lose one love, I'll never love again. And you shouldn't think like that, either, because that's when you dwell on the one person you can't have and become unhappy.

    I'm not saying you should give up the idea of marrying a black man, or that your family is right in being racist...I don't agree with that at all! However, I am trying to present you with your realistic options, and they are:

    1) You give up the idea of marrying a black man to keep your family happy
    2) You go ahead and marry a black man and risk losing your family, or ruining your relationship with them
    3) Try to eductae your family abut racism, but with no expectation of them actually changing their views, agreeing with you or understanding you
    4) Marry the person of your choice and cut your family off

    Also, please don't convince yourself that there's only one decent man in all of Morocco. Anywhere you go in the world, there will probably be a lot more people that aren't for you than people that are for you. It's normal 🙂

    • Asalamu aleikum sister
      Racism is not allowed in Islam if you want to marry please go to the masjid and explain your situation to the Imam and get married through Islamic court don't worry about your family Allah most high is in control and he can change there hearts.may Allah remove all obstacles and Grant a blessed marriage and pious offsprings
      All will be well inshaAllah

  4. Your family should be so ashamed of themselves. They should also be told that in the US, they are considered Black. I am an American, with very fair features often mistaken for Arab, Indian or Hispanic, depending on how I am dressed. So they must hate me and my entire family too, although I could probably teach them a few lessons about Islam. This haram behavior is evident that people who claim they are Muslim and have family who have been Muslim for generations are in no way superior in knowledge or practice than those who recently accepted Islam. If anything, the reverse is often the case. Your parents should be told by someone in authority that they are wrong in their belief, that what they believe and are doing is against Islam, that they will in fact be punished for what they are doing, and that possibly any sin you incur they may be responsible for. You do not have to obey your parents if they insist you do something that goes against Islamic principles. Another example of why the Ummah suffers and is humiliated throughout the world because of racism and tribalism.

  5. Firstly, I want to address the racism part, since this is something that means a lot to me. My apologies if this is a long read.

    I remember seeing a quote on the internet, that went something along the lines of: "Some arab families will say they love Bilal AS, and nickname their kids after him, but will not allow their kids to marry someone who looks like him."

    Racism is a big problem in the world, and is also a big sin in Islam. Looking down on a group of people, seeing them as inferior based on their race, and thinking yourself to be superior based on your race, is a big sin, and is arguably one of the earliest sins to occur in the history of mankind.

    Why was shaitan kicked out of jannah? Because he looked down on someone, viewing them as inferior, and viewing himself as superior. When Allah said, bow to Adam, shaitan did not bow, and the reason he gave was "how could I bow to someone who is below me?" In some ways, this whole ordeal that we humans are in and the creation of earth partly was a result and began with that problem: the sin of looking down on others.

    Racism truly is an illness, and there is a lot of propaganda in the world that plants these seeds in our heads. No one comes out of the womb a racist. No, that comes from the outside. It starts when we are kids, we are fed hateful messages about certain races of people based on stereotypes. Then, when we are grown up, the seeds have been planted so deep, it is hard to remove them, and sometimes even harder to realize we have a problem.

    I commend you for talking to your parents and defending black people. It may not seem like you are making any progress, but if you continue to refute the things they say with logic, and remind them that what they are saying goes against the teachings of Islam, inshallah their minds will change, little by little. Just keep at it, and recognized that these hateful ideas were planted deeply in them, and for many years, so it will take a while for them to open their minds.

    This kind of hate also hurts black people. It damages their self esteem, and their psyches, while for other people this hatred they have towards blacks endangers the lives of black people. Because it ultimately questions their right to live. All the stereotypes about blacks you hear, all the insults, and negativity, all have one conclusion, ultimately: to question their humanity and right to live. To deny them their humanity and right to live. Stereotypes of blacks: "Ugly, stupid, rude, bad behavior, thugs, criminals, poor, impoverished, low intelligence" = no redeeming quality = inferior = worthless = no right to live. Do you see now what I mean when I say these hateful opinions are dangerous?

    I am somali myself, and when I am not receiving hate for being muslim, I am receiving hate for being black, and sometimes both at the same time. It is tough. Please remind your parents that unless they have rational reasons to object the man you want to marry (he smokes, drinks alcohol, is disrespectful to parents, does not follow Islam, etc.) to give him a chance and get to know him and what he is like. Do you have any relatives or people who could support you or help you? If there are any, ask them for help.

    Pray to Allah and ask Him for help. He will listen to you, friend. Do not lose hope. There is a solution for this problem. Pray additional prayers, and ask Allah for help in this problem any second it enters your mind. Tell your parents to look at a person's character and not their outside. Also, I have a question: does the somali guy know about this? Has his family met yours yet? Has he met your father?

    In the end, either you will end up marrying him, or not. Allah knows best. I will try and pray for you and for the best outcome for you that Allah wishes for you. Let your heart remain at comfort and at peace that Allah has control over all affairs, and has the ability to change people's hearts. Pray to Him that what He thinks is best for you happens; and that if this marriage is good for you, your family accepts it and you have a successful marriage, and if it is bad for you, that Allah keeps it away from you and gives you something better, inshallah.

    I hope to hear from you, and hope that what I wrote has been of any help to you.

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