Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My older brother is abusive and causes me many problems

domestic violence

Asalam Alaikum brothers and sisters I hope you are all doing well InshaAllah.

to begin I'm 18 years old and I am going through a very difficult time in my life because of my older brother who is 22.  I don't feel safe living at home because of him. Has has caused the entire family many problems. He's very disrespectful towards my parents and even more towards me and my sister. I try to avoid him as much as possible because he's a bully and he tortures me constantly. He's on drugs and that's the main reason why he never gets along with my parents. He is very abusive verbally and physically. Sometimes even the smallest of things causes him to become full of rage such as saying "youre too loud " he begins cursing at me and yelling. I told my parents about his behavior towards me and they only say there's nothing we can do about it and to just stay away from him. Even though to avoid him I never know what he'll do next.

Last night very late at night he nearly broke the door of my room. The door was locked and he was trying to crush it open. I heard the sound of the loud noise of the door banging and I was scared and so was my young sister who's 14  so I tried to call my dad. He was trying to get my sisters phone and after he took it he cursed us out for no reason and called us hateful. He always threatens to slap or punch me. He slapped me because I didn't let him use my phone charger since I needed it. He's always too loud and never lets me sleep. He urinates all over the toilet area and never cleans after himself and I always have to clean the whole area after he gets it. It bothers me and Its so stressful. My sister and I use our parents bathroom because of the way he makes the other one so filthy all the time. Whenever I try to defend myself he gets mad and tell me to shut up and he threatens to beat me. He smokes in the house and my mom my sister and I all suffer from chest problems already and he's making us all cough even more.

He also constantly lies and brings strange people to our house. He tells horrible things to us and he physically abuse us. He never apologizes for anything wrong he does to us. He is an adult but he doesn't act like one at all. He's very immature and selfish. He acts like the whole world revolves around him and everyone has to let him do whatever he wants or he won't leave us alone even if he's completely wrong.

He was born in a Muslim family but he's not practising. He makes my mom cry all the time and hurts my dads feelings because of his awful behavior. I feel very hurt and it's so stressful. Living with him is misery. I dont think I can take living with him for any longer and im planning my moving out as soon as possible when I can.  The problem with that is I can't live alone by myself without a nonmahram because Ik it's haram for a Muslima to be living all on her own and my sister and I are 4 years apart and i don't want her to go through the misery . my mom crys and she always says she can't do anything about the way he is even though it bothers her.  I cry almost everyday. His words are extremely hurtful.

Everyday after salah I ask Allah swt to save us from my brother's bad behavior. The only time I feel at peace is when him in salah or reading the book of Allah. I make dua all the time but it doesn't seem like anything is going well. I feels like things are actually becoming worse and he's the worse part of my day. I need an escape from him. He's ruining my life and I'm young. Because of him I'm scared to even be home by myself with him. It's very unfair that he is causing us misery like this. I need some advice guidance anything that will help. Please brothers and sisters if you have any helpful advice I am sincerely in need of it. Thank you so much JazakAllah Khair



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3 Responses »

  1. Sister, your parents and yourself need to take action and check your brother into rehabilitation for drug addiction. By doing nothing and just having patience, you are all further ruining your brother. If he had a life-threatening disease, that made him go
    mad, would you all abandon him and do sabr over his condition??
    If taking action means being hard on him, then so be it. You all have to take this step together if you want your brother, alive and healthy, without worrying about what the society will think for you guys coming out and seeking help for his condition as i assume, that is what is holding your parents back.

  2. Assalaamualaykum Shayy,

    I agree with friend that your brother needs rehabilitation which will require the support of his family. If you feel that the situation has weakened you to the point where you don't feel that you can be of assistance to him and furthermore need to protect yourself, then I think that your plan to move away is a great idea. You can help him from a distance if you wish, but he first and foremost needs to realize that he needs help and be willing to get it.

    May Allah ease your way and give you the relief you need.



  3. Assalamu alaikum Sister,

    I agree with Friend.

    This is the result of your parents passive behaviour. This unpleasant individual knows no bounds and needs a harsh wake up call. I don't know where you live but the police should be called and he needs to be removed from the family home. He is an adult and they are not obliged to deal with him. He should be made to find his own way, I wonder how 'tough' he can be in the outside world? The reality is, spineless males like this can only oppress the weak and vulnerable.

    Your father has a greater duty to you and your sister. You have to speak up against this and convince your parents what they already know deep down. There is too much blind love towards wastes of spaces.

    The Prophet Nuh A.S. had to leave behind his own son to drown along with his equally disbelieving mother. However, people pay no attention to these stories from Allah, Himself, in His Glorious Qur'an. Thus if a prophet can be tested in such a manner, who are the rest of us to then think this couldn't happen to us.

    Remind your parents 'children (and wealth) are but trials.' They can't sacrifice your stability and happiness on account of what ever mess they think your brother will end up in if he is expelled from the family home. It's heartbreaking but most of us have experienced such injustices, now is the time to take a stand against this.

    In sha'a Allah things work out better for you and your sister and your parents are brave enough to do what is for the greater good.

    Take care

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