Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Getting pressured to marry someone I hate, I want to die

forced marriageI recently turned 18. I didn't have a really nice childhood. I live in a place where colorism is at its peak and anyone slightly different from the SET standards of colors is subjected to ridicule.

I was emotionally bullied all my school years by my SO-CALLED friends. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was on medication. I had to pretend I was fine because I was expected to be okay. It's been two years since I am depressed and am worse than ever and surprisingly nobody knows because I am not supposed to be depressed at all.

6 months before my exams my insomnia had worsened and so did my depression. I was yearning for my exams to finish and on the very day of my last exam, I got a proposal from my first cousin (my father's brothers son). I hate him so much. He bullied me too when I was young. Though it was not too directly but yet it completely destroyed me.

I hate his entire family. We both are so different. Our mindsets are not even a bit same. We have NOTHING in similar and I am emotionally manipulated by my dear mother to say yes to this proposal. He is the only son and brother of 3 sisters leaving him the heir of the property. My mum said, he's good looking, will earn well once he gets a job. When I told her I am not looking for looks or money she began saying, they're our family, you will get to visit us more often. If you get married to someone out of family, you will have restrictions and would be allowed to meet us rarely.

I can't give words to my hatred I have towards them. I hate his mother and sisters. Ever since childhood, they have been degrading us and bringing us down. My mom would tell us to ignore them because they were merely jealous which I soon realized upon growing up but I had already been emotionally abused to forget it.

It's two months and I have been crying. I feel so hopeless and helpless. I no longer feel interested in the things I used to force myself to find pleasure in. I have not been serious about my studies either. I just don't feel like doing anything now. There seems to be no way my mom would consider a no.

Every time I try to explain it to her that he and I are so different and he's so immature and degrading, she says you are lucky you got such a great proposal so early and what are the chances of getting such great proposals again. She says you can't trust strangers these days. Even if you develop understanding with someone, you can't trust them and there will be 100 flaws in them.

I told her this marriage won't work at all, she said, 'NONE OF YOUR marriage to ANYONE would work. You just sit at home and don't get married at all because you won't be happy with anyone.'

I want to die now because I feel like I would be eventually forced to say yes to this or if I didn't I wouldn't be happy with a stranger or a person of my choice. I am a writer and I have been looking forward to someone of the same field, sharing my interests and understanding me. I despite humans now. I don't want to get married to anyone but die.

- zephyr

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4 Responses »

  1. Be strong and respect yourself. Do not be influenced by anyone , it’s all about emotional blackmailing. This is your life and you are supposed to make any decision about yourself. Parents can only tell you prose and conse of about your decision but they can not force you. Compose yourself and come out from your depressive mode of life. Prove yourself that your are not dependent emotionally or physically either . Take a deep breath . Self pityness is the most dangerous thing , it can destroy your self esteem and make you so vulnerable even every one may think that he/ she can kick you off just like a stone sitting at road side. That is the reason , your class mates, cousins , and so on were used to bulling you. If someone try to attack to your self esteem, take a stand for yourself and confront with them. Initially it would be hard for you because you are not use to for it but once you got a confidence then you will find a new world around you. I promise, you will get it only you need a determination. Go ahead and explore yourself , talk to yourself , and make a list of positive things you have. Good luck

  2. You need to stand up for yourself for once. Tell them you would rather be dead than marry him and if they keep pressuring you, you will either leave home or commit suicide - that should do it. Obviously don't actually commit suicide, that's a direct ticket to hell.

    You need to let your parents know you're serious. Tell them you would rather be a spinster for life than marry him. And, what is it with marrying cousins? Its not forbidden but very highly discouraged.

    The IQ and school examination results of pakistanis in the UK is several points lower than Indians, Bangladeshis or Sri Lankans due to all this inbreeding. The last person anyone should want to marry is their cousin.

  3. Walikum Assalam, This is your life you have to explain to your parents about how you feel towards him in a very persistent manner and pray Tahajjud to talk to Allah and tell Him all your thoughts and pain InshaAllah your problem will be solved.

  4. Salam,

    Just say no. When she says stuff like this:
    I told her this marriage won't work at all, she said, 'NONE OF YOUR marriage to ANYONE would work. You just sit at home and don't get married at all because you won't be happy with anyone.'

    Then say we should call this marriage off immediately then. You don't need their permission to say no, they need yours to say yes. So say no. Say I'm not marrying this guy and if you're not calling it off I'm calling them right now and telling them I'm not marrying them. I'll say it now, and if you force this on me I'll say it to everyone during the ceremony and walk out. The answer is no.

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