Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents are forcing me to stay in a forced marriage

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Forced marriage

I'm on the verge of a divorce. I'm extremely confused. I've contacted sheikhs & been praying but nothing is getting better.

My parents arranged my marriage with my cousin 2 years ago. They didn't like the guy I wanted to marry so they rushed into the decision of emotionally forcing me to marry my cousin. I've been saying no to him for the past 10 years because I never liked him in that way. He was never attractive to me. But my entire family & all my relatives wanted me to marry him, they would try to persuade me to say yes every time they would see me. He's a religious, pious, wealthy man who lives in Saudi Arabia. My mom was telling me to please for her sake say yes. I didn't verbally say it but she took my silence as a yes.

After our nikkah 2 years ago I still didn't develop any feelings, we talked here & there but I would barely want to talk to him since I was always thinking about leaving the US where I was born & raised & moving to Saudi. I'm extremely close to my family that's why I made this decision for their sake but internally I was never happy. Even after we started living together I have no physical relationship with him because the thought just grosses me out. I'm not able to be a wife to him at all & he doesn't deserve that. I feel guilty every day.

Now we have come to a point that divorce is the best option because nothing is getting better. I felt so content with my decision & I was so excited to finally be able to be happy internally after 2 years of having this marriage that felt like a burden where I was being completely fake & putting on a happy face for the Sake of family. We did istikhara & carried forward with trying to convince our parents that we're not happy together. They all have accepted it although they're not happy & they are saying I will never be happy. I'm willing to take that chance so I don't have to ruin another guys life like I have been. He deserves so much better. I shouldve have taken a stand earlier but everything was so rushed & everyone was so happy. My nikkah was done on skype immediately after my mom assumed it's a yes from me. After that I couldn't back out & I just kept hoping for the best but was never happy. I'm miserable now, getting negativity from all family members & it is extremely hard for me adjusting in Saudi even more because I am not happy with my husband.

Now my parents are emotionally forcing me to suck it up & continue otherwise my own parents will divorce each other. So I told my husband that I'll just carry forward for the sake of my family & their reputation. I have no other choice. Please tell me how I should handle this?

Maha786

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13 Responses »

  1. Salam Alaykum! Im pretty sure your parents wont divorce each other just for you divorcing your husband which you never liked so just divorce him because you will be living with him for the rest of your life and you will never be happy even though your parents think you will.Your parents can't force you to marry who they want its your decision your life you arr adult not kid they cannot make your decision tell them that even if they cry.Just divorce him and make dua to Allah to find you a better man.Do you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life stuck with a husband you dont like or find attractive??You will not even enjoy sex...So my advice divorce or stay like that dont rely on your parents all the time just make dua and everything will turn out good inshallah.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Forced marriage has no place in Islam. A key requirement for nikah is the consent of both people getting married. A woman may give consent either through saying that she accepts the man as her husband, or by staying silent (some women might not feel comfortable or able to make a public declaration, so allowing her to consent through silence means she would not have to do so).

    It sounds like you have been clear from the start that you did not want to marry this man, and that you have been unhappy in your marriage. I really wish parents would listen to their children when they're told things like this - it would save a lot of anger and heartache.

    Before making any big decision about divorce or having to "suck it up", pray istikhara and ask Allah's guidance - trust that He will guide you to what is right for you. If you haven't already, it might help to consider marriage guidance counselling, to see if you and your husband can develop a relationship that you would both want? Remember though that there is precedent in the ahadith for a woman to request divorce on the grounds of not being happy with her spouse:
    The wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammaas (may Allah be pleased with him) came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said, “O Messenger of Allah, I do not find any fault with Thaabit ibn Qays in his character or his religious commitment, but I do not want to commit any act of kufr after becoming a Muslim.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her, “Will you give back his garden?” Because he had given her a garden as her mahr. She said, “Yes.” The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to Thaabit: “Take back your garden, and divorce her.” [Bukhari]

    Ultimately, your life is your own, so do what is right for you. Your parents are adults, and are accountable for their own actions, so don't let them push that responsibility onto you.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  3. I don't believe that Allah wants you to say miserable for the rest of your life. Live a true happy life not a fake one, your parents are selfish on this point, like you said born and raised in America and they send you to a place like the Middle East and expect you to live there normally. Sweeter, that just wrong and now your telling them that you are not happy, and all they could think of is their family name!!! I'm sorry but that just selfishness. My parents will do the same thing for the family name, but I won't let them break me and foce me into a marriage and live a unhappy life. Allah gives us a mind to think, he wants you to live a good life. Be smart, make wise decision and act uphon them, you are the only who can change your life, from darkness to light. And remember put your self first, who ever gets hurt from decision don't worry with time wounds heal. And I pray inchallah that everything goes well for you. Amen

  4. Why you say yes at the first time, once you say yes you should do your duty as a wife otherwise you are making yourself as sinner. Since now you have realised move out of this arrangement , at this point of time your husband is suffering. Either move in 100 percent or move out, leave your pious husband.

  5. assalamualaikum sister

    may be he is not attractive but now he is ur husband and none is more attractive than him to u , may be allah has chosen him for you sis , is he torturing u or abusing u .........then its all in ur mind you urself are not letting to live happily as u are the one who is not allowing yourself to accept this marriage , never forget after all they are ur parents they will think good about u sister give time for urself and try to accept this marriage u will be happy in ur life ...............when u said he is pious and good then wht is the problem ,,,,,,,,

  6. Sister,

    In the end of the day, this is your life you are talking about here. Stop worrying about what other people will think or say and think about yourself as well as your husband. There is no sense in any two human beings being together for the sake of marriage if they are both miserable. Your husband deserves a woman who desires him and will be good to him and you deserve to be happy too. Nothing wrong with that.

    Let everyone talk till their heart is content...none of it matters. Two years is a lifetime to be married to someone you don't want to be with. You do have a choice here sister, you just need to use it. Stop allowing those around you to dictate the rest of your life, open up your mouth and make yourself heard.

    Salam

  7. @Najah well said

  8. Maha786: After our nikkah 2 years ago I still didn't develop any feelings, we talked here & there but I would barely want to talk to him ........ Even after we started living together I have no physical relationship with him because the thought just grosses me out. I'm not able to be a wife to him at all & he doesn't deserve that. I feel guilty every day...... So I told my husband that I'll just carry forward for the sake of my family & their reputation.

    If you have no plan to consummate marriage with your husband, why just stay together for family sake. Is your husband much older then you?

  9. Sometimes it is okay to just be selfish. Imho ur parents are just emotionally blackmailing you. I dont think they're getting divorced. Maybe its better to get a divorce and move on.

  10. Aoa!i am engaged from about a year,but i am not happy with it.i am from a very narrow minded family.all they think about is of their family name. the guy is my fathers best friend's son and he is ten years older than me and i dont like him,i think we are from completly different family backgrounds.i am the youngest one in my family and we are six brothers and sisters so thats why i am very pampered from the begining.they kept me in an open enviroment,which made me a broad minded girl yet religious.i have plans for my future.the guy is from a backward and men dominated family and hes very mature.somehow i dont like him as my partner.from appearance to his character and from the way he thinks,none of it matches mine.my mother know that i am not happy with it.she dont have the courage to tell my father because he is so narrow minded and even if my father know about it,he will never agree to it because family name matters more to them than my happiness.is their anythng i can do to stop this marriage.help me!

    • sania, you can refuse firmly and let them know you will not agree to the marriage. I realize that in some cultures this is easier said than done. But make your opinion known and stand your ground.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  11. AOA! before i proceed i would like you to help me and asnswer my questions ASAP in a best possible way..

    • laleena, please register and submit your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. And we have answered many questions similar to yours (how to convince your parents to let you marry the one you choose) so please check our archives. You may find the answer to your question there.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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