Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents are threatening divorce…am I being punished for my haram relationship?

Emotional blackmail.


I've been in love with someone for 11 years. I'm 23 and I've known him since we were little. I know it is forbidden to be in such relationships, and I am deeply regretful. I had stopped all contact with him as soon as I realized it was wrong, but we decided to make things halal by telling our families. His family happily agreed to talk to mine. Mine had the opposite reaction. They were hurt and upset, and rightfully so.

It all became worse because they had been looking at a proposal for me some time now. The man was well-settled and lived abroad. They made me speak to him on call, but I felt no compatibility. Now I could be biased because the other guy was in my heart for so long. As soon as I graduated, my father told me that he does not find the person I love suitable for me as we are the same age and he is not financially independent. He said he will not wait for him to stand on his own feet because he will be sinful if he delays my marriage.

There is nothing else wrong with him. He is a very kind and soft-spoken person. I continued to insist until it got so bad that my father threatened to divorce my mother if I do not agree to the proposal they have chosen for me. Furthermore, they called his parents and insulted them so that they will never contact again.

I spoke to a local imam and he told me that giving in to my parents will only lead to a disastrous marriage. I cannot marry someone if my heart is not in it. Since I am already emotionally invested in this other man, that will be unfair to both myself and the guy I am marrying. I once again brought this up with my parents. They got upset, saying that I am listening to an imam's advice over my own parents. I faced a lot of emotional blackmail, was physically beaten up because my mother claimed it is shaytan who is causing me to reject the proposal.

This went on for a month. My father said I could either marry of their choice and receive blessings and dua, or I could marry my own choice and not receive Allah's blessings and bad duas from my parents, and never see my parents faces again.

They asked me to write down my decision on the spot and sign it. I was so exhausted from the emotional and physical abuse I've been facing for a month that I wrote "whatever you want" and handed it over to them.

I faked smiles throughout my nikkah ceremony, and I've cried every night since the days leading up to it.  I felt numb while signing those papers. I accepted it as Allah's will, and asked Him to make me happy with this outcome. However, despite us going on dates for a week after the nikkah, I feel nothing but repulsion for the guy. Every time I look at him, I am reminded of what I had to go through just for him to be my husband, and it makes me angry. We don't speak on calls, we rarely speak on text, and when we are at dinner, it is nothing but small talk.

I am in severe depression ever since I got my nikah done. I have no motivation to get out of bed except to eat and pray. I've stopped speaking because there is nothing to say anymore. Sometimes I wonder if this is my punishment for the 11 years of haram I was involved in, and I ask for forgiveness everyday.

I often find myself planning my escape, but I know that if I get khula from this person, I will be kicked out of my home and have nowhere to go. I don't think I will be able to fullfull his rights as a husband once I move in with him, because everything about him repels me. Please guide me on what I should do.


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7 Responses »

  1. edit: every single day i contemplate how to get out of this marriage. meanwhile procedures for my moving abroad with him are in place. i dread every single phone call by him because 1. the conversations are so dry and 2. i hate him because of my parents obsession with him.

  2. All the things that your parents said in regards to Islam is made up to manipulate you. It’s pathetic that they treat there adult child as a little kid. Your parents weren’t going to get a divorce. They are not sinning by keeping you unmarried, saitan didn’t tell your mom to beat you, you don’t need your parents blessings when they are going against your will to do a force marriage, hence Allah will not bless them. You are not being punished by Allah. You have realized that you were in a relationship that was forbidden and wanted to make it halal, that in itself is not sinning because you are repenting.

    As far as what you should do now that you are married. All I can say is that it’s not fair to the guy. He wants to be loved. Ask him how he feels about you as the conversation is dry. Was he forced too or gone with it for marrying a family status. Don’t think that after you divorce that you can easily go back to your lover. Your lover will move on and his parents may not accept you as your father insulted them. You should have not gone with the wedding and gotten authorities involved. Not sure where you live but in UK there is a forced marriage insinuation. Oh and one more thing, when you bring up the divorce part to your parents part, they will make up and say Allah will punish you and curse because you are not listening to your parents, they will not take care of you, they will threaten you that they kill themselves, blah blah blah…no, that’s not all true.

    • i couldn't see at the time that they were just manipulating me because they took all my gadgets and cut me off entirely from the Internet. When I go on this forum i realize the same words have been said by so many other parents to their daughters.
      He was not forced. In fact, he constantly tells me how happy and excited he feels about all this. I wish I could return the excitement but I can't. He makes efforts to talk to me but I cannot help but give one word response and wishing for the phone call to be over as soon as possible. I have asked Allah to make space in my heart for him, but I just keep getting more and more depressed as time goes on. I'm terrified about what will happen when we move in together. I don't know if I'll be able to fulfill his rights as a husband.

  3. Assalamualaykum Ammara,

    You write:

    "[My parents said] I could marry my own choice and not receive Allah's blessings."

    This is completely contradictory to Islam. Islam leaves the choice entirely up to you. Parents should be involved, but no one should marry without their own consent/desire.

    Tami brings up some good points. How long have you been married now? Breaking off your current marriage does not guarantee you can be with the guy you want, as he may have moved on.

    However, that doesn't mean that divorce is not the right way to go. Allah will not fault you for this in the least, as you were blackmailed, manipulated, and didn't know better until now. We are not held responsible for what we didn't know before we knew it!

    I would suggest that you break off this marriage as soon as possible, whether or not you can be married to the guy of your choice, because you and the guy your married both deserve genuine love.

    Pray for Allah's guidance every step of the way until your problem is solved, and you are at peace.



    • it has not even been a month. but it feels like its been forever. i don't know how I can ask for divorce without getting beaten up by my parents and possibly kicked out. I thought about making my own income so i can just get away and find my own place to live. But they refused me from working too. I am trapped.

      • Where do you live? Your parents beat you, call the police. If you know you will get kicked out, have a back up plan and search for a shelter or a friends/relative house. It will take a long time for you to make money and move out. Where does the guy live?

      • Ammara,

        Please seek refuge in Allah and know that He has your best interest. Secondly, seek refuge with anyone trustworthy who would let you stay with them for a time. Your parents' behavior towards you is unacceptable, and you need to be able to get on your two feet eventually. It may take some time, but you have to start somewhere.

        Also, your parents have instilled a fear in you due to all their blackmail. Don't listen to what they are saying and choose to have hope and faith in Allah's mercy. Honestly, based on experience, I don't think they will kick you out. They are just saying that to manipulate you and the situation.

        I would not even think about the other guy you want to marry right now, as you have bigger problems...focus all your energy on getting this divorce, and then see where you stand. Just one step at a time, okay?

        May Allah guide and comfort you.



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