Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents don’t approve of my perfect choice

The Perfect Choice

The Perfect Choice

cAssalam O Alaikum wa rehmatullahi wa barakatahu!

Dear Brothers/Sisters,

I want to put your attention on an issue that a brother is facing and needs your valuable suggestions and advises.

It’s about a marriage problem, may be a common subject for you. That brother is now-a-days studying in a foreign country. He used to attend Islamic lectures there and just by chance he came across a girl for which he thinks could be his potential life partner. After meeting with her he found that she possesses almost all those qualities and habits which he wants to be in his life partner.

Later he performed Istikhara to seek help from Allah and found some positive signs and his mind becomes clear. He tried to tell his mother many times but couldn't find himself brave enough to discuss this matter but after doing Istikhara he finds some courage and decided to tell his mother about this in a suitable time. Since few years ago, he forced his parents to find a girl for him but till now they couldn’t able to find one for him. So after getting some signs from Istikhara he asked his parents to delay his marriage or hold on for some time. But when he did this second or third time, his mother asked the reason for it and he told her that he like someone here and feels that she is perfectly suits his criteria. His mother straightly refused and said that don’t think about this.

Now he is so disappointed that he doesn’t want to talk with his family about marriage topic. The reality is that his parents haven’t found anyone till now and they are insisting that later they will find and you just forget about your choice. That brother is very obedient to his parents and never wants to go against his parent’s decision but at the same time he doesn’t want his wish to be ruined.

Please tell me whether it is forbidden to marry according to your choice? If he has no choice and didn’t come across that girl by chance then it’s OK but now he is willing to pursue her and his parents is not agreeing. At now his situation is that he cannot consider anyone else because he thinks that she is exactly the same which he was waiting for a long time and she is perfectly according to the image which was already in his mind and according to his imagination.

So what should be his action under this situation? He wants to do his marriage with a total agreement of his parents. He wants to start his efforts for her after getting the permission of his parents but they are stopping him at first stage. What should be the behavior of his parents in this scenario? That brother is very shy and always gives up and surrenders himself for his parent’s wishes and desires but this time he doesn’t want to give up and is so depressed.

Please suggest him and give some good advises for him to take him out from this situation. May Allah bless you.

Jazakallah Khairan!

Wassalam,

- Truth Seeker


Tagged as: , , , , ,

35 Responses »

  1. Salam Alaykum, I came accross this website because i also am in a similar situation and as a woman i thought my opinion from the other point of view may help, a man who wishes to marry me has his parents as an obstacle, this situation is also stressing me out, my mother knows about the situation and I am in a difficult position as in our culture its not really a nice thing to tell your mum oh btw the guys family dissapproves of me but alhamdullilah i have a very understanding mum who is involved as the guy has appoached her and explained his intentions and obstables, in no way would my mum be willing to approach the guys family as this is viewed as lowering our family, i believe that there are only three options, the guy either fights for the girl and doesn't give up, in my case the guys family dont have a valid reason to turn me away its purely because they wish to choose a girl, this guy also wants to obey his parents and is finding it extremely difficult, also he has recently told his family and they went absolutly bilistic, saying who is this girl (we are in the same university he explained) and how i am not suitable and if he wishes to proceed with this then it will end up with someone in prison or in hospital, it is a tough situation but the logical options i would say to anyone in this situation is to try your hardest to convince your parents no matter how hard it may be or how long, if it comes to a point where it is a definite no from them then the guy either proceeds with marrying that girl without his family (keeping in mind he must approch her in marriage when he is ready financially and is stable to offer her a life that they are both happy with as in this scenario I'm guessing bringing the girl home is not an option), if disobeying the parents is not an option for him then he must stop dreaming and forget this girl, because the longer him waiting and aimlessly hoping for it will make it harder to forget and be more difficult emotionally, i personally believe there must be a limit, ofcourse disobeying your parents is not something any muslim wishes to do as the status of parents in islam is made clear, however choosing a spouse is an individual decision and if there is nothing wrong with the girl and they don't have valid reasons against her than i see it as an injustice , inshAllah this brother finds the strength to make the best out of this situation. Salam alaykum 

    • Walaikumussalam,

      In Shaa Allah, Jazakallah Khairan sister...

      Yes you are right. The brother now a days is thinking of ways that how to talk with his parents and how to convince them. He wants to resolve this issue politely rather to fight with someone. May Allah help him and give him courage to handle this matter efficiently ... "AMEEN"

      Furthermore if you have some ideas about how to talk with parents to convince them then do please share your valuable suggestions. May Allah bless you.

      Wassalam,

  2. Waiyyakum. Thank you and ameen. I'll remember him and all insha'Allah.

  3. Brother, another thing is that in this country parents usually don't interfere too much in marriage case and they don't impose their decision on their child. Its purely the choice of the person to find his/her life partner. When they find someone suitable for them then they inform their parents that they want to marry. So that's why the Muslim community here is suggesting him to ask her directly about her willingness. If she agrees only then he can proceed otherwise nobody can do anything even if somebody talk with her parents directly. Because the final authority is she, nobody can force her. It's the culture here that everyone gets married according to their choice. So what's your suggestion in this?

    • You mean to say that, if the girl agree then her parents will not bother and they will agree to it? If yes, then let that brother get a pious friend with him and ask the girl directly of her willingness. If he wants to do over the phone, then let there be someone near that brother and talk to the points. These all should be done for precautionary measures only.
      Keep in mind, even if the culture there is unIslamic, we as muslims should follow only Islamic culture and not western culture.

      • Yes brother I do agree with you...

        Her parents may have some objection but its the rare case here, the parents here give their children full authority to find their prospective life partner. So the only action that the brother can take at this time is to find some means to ask the willingness of girl, and Insha-Allah if she agrees then the next step for him is to convince his parents and the girl also needs to discuss with her parents. This is the straight forward procedure which I think, provided that Allah do agrees with this plan too.

        Is there any dua for making ease during discussion? That brother is not finding himself brave enough to talk this matter directly. He feels very nervous whenever he thinks about this. He never had such a experience before and don't know how to deal with it and how to talk and what to discuss. But the people in his surrounding are keep on advising him that nothing could happen unless he takes some action by himself...

        • - "Allâhumma lâ sahla illâ mâ ja‘altahu sahlâ wa anta taj‘alu al-hazana idhâ shi’ta sahlâ ".

          {Oh Allah! Nothing is easy except what You have made easy. If You wish, You can make the difficult easy.}

          - "Allâhumma innî a‘ûdh u bika min al-hammi wa al- hazan. Wa a‘ûdhu bika min al-‘ajzi wa al-kasal. Wa a‘ûdhu bika min al-jubni wa al-bukhl. Wa a‘ûdhu bika min ghalabat id-dayni wa qahr ir-rijal".

          {Oh Allah, I seek refuge in You from worry and grief, from helplessness and laziness, from cowardice and stinginess, and from overpowering of debt and from oppression of men.}

          - "Rabbi ishrah lee sadree, wayassir lee amree, wa'h lul uq datam mil lisanee, yafqahu qawli. "

          {"O my Lord! Expand me my breast; Ease my task for me; And remove the impediment from my speech. So they may understand what I say"}

          Du'a can be read in English too doesn't matter.

          • Jazakallah brother, keep remembering that brother in your special prayers. Your guidance is very good and helpful. May Allah bless you and reward you..."AMEEN". Insha-Allah I will ask for further guidance when some question comes in my mind.

  4. Its Pakistan. You are true, after Nikkah the couples are halal to each other but sometimes due to financial reasons they keep on living in their parent's home and delay the function. But after Nikkah there is no sin if they meet each other and hang out. After Nikkah both can be satisfied, the boy will not worry about that someone else may purpose her and the girl also feel comfortable that the boy is not cheating her. The only difference is that they spend some more time living apart. But even if they do engagement, still its not permissible to meet each other. That's the point...

    Actually by school I mean University and doing Master.

    • Oh okay !

      • And brother what is the ruling of making understanding before marriage? He discussed with some trusted married brothers here in the community to talk on his behalf but they said that he needs to talk himself with that girl to make things clear. They told him about the culture here that people used to have some understanding before marriage and making some points clear, otherwise its very difficult. He wanted to involve a married brother in the process so that he can talk with the brother and his wife can talk with the girl. But they suggested its better that the two persons who wants to get marry firstly talk directly and if there comes some problem then they will interfere. Their opinion is that they should discuss the matter themselves and then decide how to proceed with it, like convincing parents...

        • In my culture, if a guy tries to talk to a girl about marriage and if some of her family or relatives sees their disscussion, thats it, that guy is going to get hurt real bad, maybe broken bones.
          I believe he needs to have a third party. Or let that married couple do the talking with her or her parents. Because firstly he doesn't need to make any points clear to her neither does he need to know her before marriage, infact there is nothing to discuss because they are not even engaged. His parents are the obstacle in the way and that girl would be of no help here. All he needs to know about her is, if she would be willing to accept his formal marriage proposal if it comes ? If yes, then fly to parents. If no, have patience and move ahead. After engagement its a different story. Now they are total strangers and shaytan is patiently working.

          • Brother if you don't mind can you tell me which country you belongs to?

            The situation here is that her parents are not in the same city and also there is a language barrier. He cannot directly talk with her parents unless there is some translator between them. Actually he also exactly wanted this that the married couple talk with her parents but they are living too far away from here.

  5. Jazakallah brother for such comprehensive answers. Me and he studying in the same school abroad. He shared his feelings with me so I want to help him and take him out of this situation successfully.

    Actually in our country, its the custom that if its not possible to get married due to financial or some other reason then they do Nikkah first, and after that the boy and girl keep on living in their parent's home as usual. After sometime when the situation becomes feasible then they give marriage party and invite their relatives and then the girl moved to the boy's home. For the brother's case, actually the girl is also a student so what he want is to do Nikkah with the consent of his and her parents and then continue their education as usual at their places. During this period of time they can meet each other during vacations and have some outing. After she completed her degree then he can formally give his marriage party and start living together. This is the ideal situation which is in his mind, may Allah help him and make it easy for him..."AMEEN"

    For the choice of marriage, he said that he never ever thought that such thing could be happened with him because he never interested in girls and avoid talking with them. Whenever somebody has asked him to search for his life partner, he always answered that "I don't need to search for it, in fact my life partner will find me. There will be only girl on this earth which Allah has made for me and I will get her automatically". Seems strange but true. And when he come across that girl he feels that his research completes before its starting. That brother has also done his homework. Few years ago he has made a list of attributes which he wanted to be in his wife. And this is the first time he feels that he found the one which contains all the attributes and exactly the same as he want. It never happens before that's why he is feeling that Allah has given him the opportunity to do effort for his best match.

    • Wa iyyakum.

      Regarding the marriage custom in your country that you've explained. I've never heard of that. Which country is that ? In Islam, once nikkah is done then they are lawfully wedded couple.

  6. Well said brother...

    Can you send me this dua in Arabic?

    Now I have some clear understandings to tell him. I will suggest him to talk with his parents when he will go home. Before that he should make himself close to Allah and just before going he should ask that girl through some means about her willingness. You are right that he should try his level best and should not give up so quickly. And I think it is not wise to just give up and then blame destiny as an excuse. Although destiny has already been decreed by Allah but we have also given the free choice.

    Brother, another question comes in my mind. How can we decide that something is written in our fate or not? Maybe his parents will argue with him and giving him the reason that she is not in your fate. Or if the brother just give up after a little effort making an excuse that she is not written in my destiny then is it right?

    • Du'a - ‎الل هُمَّ لَكَ أَسْلَمْنَا وَبِكَ آمَنَّا‎ "‎‏ وَعَلَيْكَ تَوَكَّلْنَا وَبِكَ خَاصَمْنَا وَإِلَيْكَ حاَكَمْنا
      فَاغْفِرْ لَنَا مَا قَدَّمْنَا وَمَا أَخَّرْنَا وَمَا أَسْرَرْنَا وَما أَعْلَنَّا أَنْتَ المُقَدِّمُ
      وَأَنْتَ المُؤَخِّرُ لا إِلهَ إِلا أَنْتَ.‏‎ "‎

      Bro, we can never ever know of whats written in our fate. We can't even guess. What ever is written, it will only unfold before our eyes by our actions.
      No one can tell of who is/is not in our fate. Only Allah knows.

      “And with Him are the keys of the Ghayb (all that is hidden), none knows them but He. And He knows whatever there is in the land and in the sea; not a leaf falls, but He knows it. There is not a grain in the darkness of the earth nor anything fresh or dry, but is written in a Clear Record”
      [al-An’aam 6:59]

      therefore his parents have no authority to say that " she is not in your fate".
      If they agree to his demand, then she is in his fate. If not, then she is not. Simple as that.

      He have to try his best.

      • And is it good for that brother to do Salaat ul Hajaat and ask Allah to make it easy for him, keeping in view that he has already performed Salaat ul Istikhara and got some positive signs? Even he has seen some good dreams. Not only his parents but most of his relatives, whenever they talk with him, start asking him about his marriage things and curious about that. Even many people are ready to introduce someone to him. This makes him more confused. He don't want to think about marriage choice because his mind is pretty clear and he feels that its impossible for him to consider anyone else. He don't want to meet anyone for marriage purpose. In the past also, he never look upon any girl intentionally, and for marriage purpose but at now he don't like to look at anyone even by mistake and if it happens he feels himself dishonest.

        So he wants to get into a halal relation as early as possible. He can delay marriage but he wants to do Nikkah as early as possible to restrain himself from sin. He knows that she is non-mehram to him and even thinking of her may increases his account of sins. Whats your opinion about this?

        • Firstly, regarding "Salaat al-Haajah", it is not prescribed in Islam. Imaam al-Tirmidhi (may Allah have mercy on him) narrated a hadeeth about Salaat al-Haajah in his Sunan , but he pointed out that it is da’eef (weak).
          Al-Tirmidhi said: “This is a ghareeb hadeeth. The fact that Faa’id ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan is among the narrators makes the hadeeth very weak.
          Al-Albaani said: “It is very weak indeed.”
          Al-Haakim said:“Fabricated ahaadeeth were narrated from Ibn Abi Awfaa.”( Mishkaat al-Masaabeeh , 1/417).
          This hadeeth was also narrated by Ibn Maajah, may Allaah have mercy on him, in his Sunan , 1/144, also via Faa’id ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan. Al-Albaani said, in Da’eef Sunan Ibn Maajah , no. 293: “(It is) very weak.”

          On the basis of the above, this prayer is not prescribed in Islam, but if a Muslim is faced with distress or needs somthing, he should pray and make du’a in general (i,e. The obligatory and non-obligatory prayers which are authentic) because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And seek help in patience and prayer…” [al-Baqarah 2:45].

          Secondly, you said that the brother is not considering anymore marriage choices, infact he can't consider anyone else. This brother is putting himself in an uneccessary situation. It is evident by now that this brother has got some feelings for that girl. He should realise that no-one is stopping him from marrying that girl agaisnt his parents wishes. But since he doesn't like to go against his parents wish, if they deny then he may make one choice instead of regretting, overthining etc. Once he come to a final decision, he should continue getting on with life and move forward. By him, not considering anyone else, he is giving himself an unwanted test/challenge. Why should he make it more hard than it already is ? Tell him to keep an open mind and if needed he should try to forget that girl and search for others.

          Thirdly, he should lower his gaze anyways as it is obligatory and an order from Allah.

          “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexualacts). That is purer for them. Verily, Allaah is All‑Aware of what they do." (24:39)

          Fourthly, You/he must have mistaken when you said " He can delay marriage but he wants to do Nikkah as early as possible ", Nikkah and marriage is one and the same. Nikkah is Islamic marriage. Once nikkah is done, he is married.

          Let him do it then because a person has to marry inorder to avoid sins.

          Finally, Yes thinking of her is most certainly a sin. It is recorded in Shaami that, " just as it is Haraam to look at that which is not permissible, it is Haraam to even think and ponder over that which is not permissible."
          Even merely thinking of her can grow his feelings for her thus it will become more difficult to forget her and inturn will only put him in a depressed situation.

          • If you dont mind me ask, what is your relation with that brother ?

  7. " If there's a WILL, there's a WAY "
    " If you don't TRY, you can't succeed "

    Allah said in the Qur'an-
    " And He will provide him from (sources) he could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed, Allah has set a measure for all things"

    Give this du'a to your brother for he seems helpless.

    "O Allah! To You I have submitted, and in You do I believe, and in You I put my trust, to You do I turn, and for You I argued. O Allah, I seekrefuge with You through Your Power; there is none worthy of worship except You Alone; that You safeguard me against going astray. You are the Ever Living, the One Who sustainsand protects all that exists; the One Who never dies, whereas human beings and jinn will all die " ( Du'a by the Prophet (PBUH)

  8. Assalam O Alaikum!

    Still I am not getting a clear solution which I can tell to that brother. One solution seems to be talking with parents and make them agree but for that he needs to be well prepared and anticipate their questions. So please suggest a good way to discuss with parents so that they may agree with the brother's choice. Of-course the discussion should be in polite and respectful manner. This problem is also affecting his study in abroad. He cannot give full attention to his study and his mind is confused...

    So please advise a good and straight forward solution as early as possible.

    Jazakallah!

    • Tell that brother to explain the qualities of that girl to his parents. If they deny they need a valid islamic reason to deny her and put peace in that brother's mind. If no reason whatsoever to deny, then there is no sin in marrying that girl.
      Few choices-
      1) Forget that girl, obey his parents which results in maitaining family unity and no divisions. Thus marrying to his parents choice.
      2) Marry that girl, this may perhaps change his fathers mind later on and accept them. Causing few troubles obviously.
      3) Have patience and keep on convincing his parents till they give up to his demand.

      • Brother, please also suggest whether it is good to explain on telephone or talk directly when he will visit there as he is going to his home in January. As he is keeping silence now a days, he also didn't ask that girl about her willingness. So what is better for him, whether to talk with his parents first or with that girl first?
        Only once he talked a little with his mom about the matter but seeing her unwillingness he stops and didn't talk again. He respect that girl very much and don't want to decrease her dignity...

        • 1) I believe that talking to parents about his situation shouldn't be done on the phone. Talking face to face is much preffered.

          2) He gave up so quickly when he told his mum once. He shouldn't give up too easily. If he did, then its never going to work and he can just dream.

          3) Before talking to his parents, first he have to make sure with the girl about her commitment through her family etc. If the girl is not willing then that boy is just wasting his precious time overthinking.

          Tell him that, if that girl isn't written in his fate, then no matter what he do- it won't happen and he should go on with his life.

          • Actually when he talked with his mom, she said that if she discussed it with his father then there will be fight in home. They were not willing to listen him rather they were insisting him to forget about her and wait for their decision. He tried to tell her mom that she contains all the qualities which he wanted to be in his life partner. He feels as she is exactly the same which he was waiting for since long time..

  9. Ameen, Jazakallah brother...

    Actually that brother is not taking any action now a days and waiting for a proper guidance and solution. He is just observing silence now a days and trying to seek help from Allah. But I know he cannot get away from this for a long time, he needs to face it. He cannot turn his face away from this problem.

    I am waiting for the reply of brother Waseem. He always used to give some good advises and valuable suggestions. I saw his comments in almost every post and find them very good. He not only discuss the problem but also try to give some solution. That's makes me write here. I hope he will also give some reasonable solution to this problem also...

    Wassalam,

  10. Asslam alekum warahmatullahi barkatohu

    Brother I am right now face similar condition and don’t know how to deal with this I believe in Allah SWT and try to be patience in this situation. And think someone is come forward to help me or understand me. But there is no one.

    Every one try to predict feature every one think and tell me something is good for you because of this it is happen to you. And give me suggestion like pray to Allah SWT, and I am doing this also. Many people say this is happen because of Allah SWT, And trying to justify this condition or self decision with the help of Allah SWT name.

    I have some different openion with myself in quran sharif there is written we send good and bad thing to people for test, and many place in quran sharif written we are here for test means me, my friend my family and all of us is here for test no one knows right and wrong accept Allah SWT. If you think you are right and your parents is wrong then try to guide him. I know that when you try to do they say something you are child you don’t know how to deal with real life, or say don’t argue with elders, or sometimes say the girl is doing black magic. I said this because yes I am face this I am not the guy who continuous try to talk on that point but when I am try to express my feeling people around me say, I don’t know I am here right or wrong but yes when our guardian not with us then we have to find our way with our self may Allah SWT guard us Siratee Mustaqeem. Allah says in Quran Surah Al-Baqara [2:153] “O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.”

    Right now I am tried to find way to come out. I am tried to find the meaning of life and try to find how to deal with situation in my own ways. Because yes I am lost believe of my family and guardian. There is many reason not like my feeling regards to girl or love because I know this is not good for before marriage. And I know that as my age I don’t have to do this. I am with my family and like a honest son i am try to do what is good for our family even if I have to sacrifice myself but I don’t play with any more life for sake of our family. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, "When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him"

    Right now my family is also wants to marry another girl and many people also wants I have to accept this proposal. All of think if I am engage with this girl then day by day I have come out of my problem and after that I like this girl and marry her. They want to fix our wedding mostly in next month.

    I am read many article regarding marriage issue and find many solutions to deal with this according to Islamic point view

    Marriage it is a Sunnah but at the same time, you need to be ready. Marriage at right time is beautiful, at other times, it can cause major problems. You are only required to seek marriage when you are ready. If you are definitely not ready and you still marry, and it causes difficulties for you and your partner you are sinful. Someone who is also unhappy and unhealthy in ways that builds on your misery like pieces of a sick puzzle. These kinds of matches are destructive, and lead to silent, non-communicative marriages; or infidelity and/or divorce.

    Don’t think you, your friend and your family is making that decision is right, make dua to Allah SWT to protect you and your family with and misunderstanding and making wrong decision. You have to know this in this world shayata also present and they misguide many people even you and your family and any of all of us. u have to know the meaning of marriage why we have to marry, to complete the procedure of life like if I born then I have to marry and after that I have to die? No it’s not like that if Allah SWT sends us in this world then there is some reason. and Allah SWT want my servant pray for me and completely believe on me "La ilaha illalaah mohammadur rasull allah". we have to marry a girl those who try to help us making our imaan strong and guard when we are one wrong path, who guide our child proper Islamic ways and because of that our child found good life when we are not with them. Don’t try to blindly believe on any girl. If the girl having good characteristic then with a small struggle Allah SWT make this situation simple for you.

    I don’t want to misguide you many of my points is wrong or many of my sentence harsh because of my frustration or lack of knowledge but try to understand what I want to say. And try to get help through Allah SWT, in this website there is many people mashaallah many of strong Islamic knowledge they guide you and Allah Also help you and guide you. Try to find your solution through Quran Sharif "This is the Book; In it is guidance sure, without doubt, to those who fear God"(Qur’an, 2:2)

    Fi Amaanullah.
    May Allah protect you

  11. Brother and Sister, please suggest him a solution along with how to proceed with that solution. The situation is that he is going to visit his country in the coming January and he is worried that may be his parents make him engaged with someone forcefully. It will be very difficult for him to accept because he cannot give that place to anyone else. How should he deal with this problem? He stopped talking with his family on marriage things and also there is silence from other side. He is suspecting that may be there is some storm generating behind this silence which he needs to deal with when he will go home. He doesn't want to fight with anyone and want to resolve the issue politely. He respects and love his parents that's why he wants to get the willingness of his parents in this important decision. He now becomes a football, couldn't be able to find any way out.

    Please guide him according to your experience....

    Jazakallah!

  12. Jazakallah for your valuable responses. Let me tell you few more things about that brother. He neither considered anyone for his prospective life partner nor has any relation with a girl in the past and solely leaves this decision for his parents. Also he was keep on insisting his parents few years ago but at that time they made fun of him and said that you are in a hurry, so he kept silence and start observing patience after that. And this time also, he didn't do it intentionally. It happened just by chance or coincidentally. He wants to get into a Halal relationship that's why he asked for his parent’s consent before making any connection with that girl. He wants to come under Nikkah as early as possible rather to make connections before marriage (although a little discussion before marriage is OK). He is much confused and thinks that if his parents suggest some other option for him at now then it will be very difficult for him to accept. He wants to be honest and loyal to his relations and he doesn't want to ruin anyone’s life. For marriage case, I think parents are supposed to be good advisers rather than decision makers (it’s my opinion, maybe I am wrong). So if somehow that brother feels someone perfect for him then there should be nothing wrong unless he had already committed with someone else. He wants to do the right things in proper and decent way. He also got some elder brothers (married brothers in community) into trust in that country so that they can do something for him.

  13. Salaams,

    Disobedience to parents is not a blanket issue. There are exceptions, one of which is if the parents are urging a child to sin or do something disobedient to Allah. I think when it comes to these marriage issues where the parent is 'forbidding' an adult child from marrying someone without good cause, those intentions can sometimes fall into a gray area which can be possibly forcing the child into disobedience.

    Ultimately, it is the parent's DUTY to help find a suitable spouse for their children. In this case, it appears the parents have shirked that duty.

    Further, it is the son's RIGHT to choose his own spouse. That is not a parent's right. The parents can bring prospective candidates, but the child has the right to accept or reject their options in the end.

    Between the fact that this brother's parents have done nothing toward helping him find a good wife, and he has found one on his own which he appears to be keeping halal interactions with, there is no justifiable reason why the parents should deny him this.

    And this is where their doing so becomes possible promotion of disobedience: Marriage is a sunnah. It is half the faith. We all know that if a young man or woman wants to marry, has the means to marry, and has found someone to marry, to not do so puts them in temptation's way. This is to be avoided, so any parent who is not helping their child avoid temptation is actively helping their child edge toward potential disobedience (in my view).

    I do agree this brother should do all he can to try to win his parent's approval, but in the end if they remain stubborn he should be able to move forward in the direction Allah has shown that He Himself supports. Yes, that will probably cause disturbance in the family, but that is a much more manageable situation than trying to hang on as a single man, hoping to please his parents by meeting what appear to be unreasonable standards, and in doing so wind up in a sinful situation which he must answer directly to Allah for.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • This is very much right it does not come under their disobedience, it is girl or boy who accepts in nikah sharia doesn't allow parents to pick or say yes or no. Therefore islam
      Encourages people to chose their spouse of their will. And keep respecting parents plus keep convincing them.

  14. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    That brother must be in a very difficult situation right now. Because I know of many brothers who would put their parent as a high priority and then the rest. They love their parents so much. That brother, you're talking about is in the same situation may be.
    He can try to continue convincing his dad and mom. He shouldn't give up. They might eventually listen to him. He can try to tell the girl's parents to meet his family if his family would accept. If its all in vain, then he can still marry her against his parents wish but then he would have to disobey his parents, which he can't do. This will certainly hurt his parents. Tough indeed.
    I think its best if he forget that girl, after all efforts in vain. His parents can insha'Allah decide the best for him. Its best if he have patience and wait for the right time. I think he really should stick with his parents opinion. They know best. He can find many girls to marry but can't find anymore parents. Insha'Allah he make the right decision.

  15. w salam.i think his parents should agree for his marriage bt if they dont agree,he should leave that girl and should marry according to parents.parents always think better than children.ALLAH will bless him.

Leave a Response