Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents don’t love me anymore like they did before

Favoritism, loving one child more than the other, parents unequal love

Salaam. Im 22yrs old and am a girl. my problem is very difficult and rare. my parents used to love me so much till my high school.. i was one of the best students in my class and my dad always appreciated me for being good in studies. even my mom loved me. but not anymore.

i hav an elder sister. after my high school i started losing interests in studies didnt remain a topper although i always passed with a distinction but didnt get any positions. i had to appear in medical entrance test in which i didnt qualify. my dad didnt scold me or hurt me but he encouraged me to move on.

i again gave the test but didnt get selected 2nd time as well.. this also my dad supported me. now im doing a simple graduation not MBBS.. where as my elder sister is doing Engineering.

my family has never discriminated b/w me and my elder sister but now i some how feel they have started neglecting me, although they have not said anything verbally knowing that im an extremely emotional weak person. my family shows that they care for me and treat my sister and me equally but i feel that my parents who never treated us unequally have started treating me in a different manner because im mostly at home and im not doing anything special other than a simple graduation.

i sometimes feel im wrong in thinking so and blaming my parents but things happening around me make feel that im right. as i have already mentioned, me and my sister were always treated equally but now small differences make me insecure about my parents i feel they got her a new car and i wasnt given because i dont go to any Engineering college. i was told they will get it later when they get more money. i accepted happily. but then they got more money and brought a new Computer for my sister and i was given the old one with the promise that they will get me a new one as well when they more money...

they always got equal things for both of us but now they avoid me by saying that your sister needs it more.. they even got more clothes for her on last eid because she goes to college but then i cried alot and they came to know about it and they got me equal no.of clothes.. however now i feel things have started changing.. they tell me that they will get me whatever they got for my sister. but i know this will not happen...

i dont want these wordly things but yes i want their equal love and care..i want them to love me like they used to...i want them not to make any differences b/w me and my sister even on small money matters or big issues because its not money what matters but its the reason behind that.. it makes me feel that once if they treated us equally then why dont they do so anymore. and i feel and say to myself that they dont get me these things because i dont deserve them.

i always curse myself for not fulfilling my parents dream of becoming a Dr. my sister sometime fights with me on small issues but then she also taunts me and says that im BEKAAR and useless sitting at home and doing graduation.

i want to die because i love my family but i know committing a suicide is haraam. so that is what is stopping me from committing a suicide. i dont say that my parents dont love me at all. but being loved by them once ,i now feel they dont love me so much.. i always cry at night and due to this im always having health problems.

may Allah forgive me if im doubting my parents love but i cant help thinking this way because day by day i feel im useless for my family and they dont love and respect me like they used to do and i feel thay they love my sister more than they love me. i even told this to my dad once but he got so angry and scolded me so now onwards even if i feel this way i dont say it to them but only to Allah..

i do pray not 5 times but yes i do pray but this feeling keeps me distracted always.. please help me urgently.. please

- pari

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6 Responses »

  1. Pari,

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down right now. Listen to me my love, and listen to me clearly. You are not your sister, you...are you. You are unique in your own special way. You should be proud of your accomplishments and not think twice about what your sister is doing. Your graduation is not simple as you state, you worked very hard to get there and you need to remember that.

    My son and daughter pursued four years at school towards being doctors, yet they hated every moment of it. They felt pressured by their father as that is what HE wanted them to be. Four years in and they had enough. They each changed their majors into something THEY wanted and they are both doing well and very happy.
    Look for something that you want to do. Don't worry about what anyone else wants you to be, think about what it is that you excel at and would like to pursue a field in.

    It makes me sad that your father shut you down when you tried to explain to him how you were feeling. Maybe he thought you were ungrateful or misunderstood where you were coming from. Things may be tough now and then and that is normal in any family no matter where in the world you go. You should never...ever consider suicide as a way to make things better. It is not only a grave sin, it is not the answer to your problem.

    Love yourself and know that you have value no matter who or what you are. It does not matter whether you are a doctor or a simple housewife who spends her days caring for her husband and children, we all make a difference in what we do. Trust me on that.

    As for your parents, well...sometimes we do things that maybe aren't fair nor equal. Sometimes we do things because in our mindset, it is what needs to be done. I know it is easier said than done right now but you need to focus solely on you and think about where it is in life that you want to be.

    Your parents love you to the moon and back, even if they don't show it in a way that you would like to see it. Continue to work hard and God willing good things will come your way.


  2. Dear sister Pari,

    From what you have shared with us, it tells me wide and clear that your parents LOVES and CARES for you.
    Don't feel down. If you didn't become a doctor it does not matter at all. Every parents, esply asians wants their kids to become either doctor, engineer or lawyer but this most often does not always happen.

    One of my sister- one of the smart one in my family tried to become doctor- only because from a very young age such expectation was put on her by my parents. And you know my sister, she did the degree for it but still didnt make it through and now she is doing something totally different- company's secretary and working in a fairly good company and she enjoys it more.

    One of the directors in my work place, his father desprately wanted him to become a doctor but his heart was never in it. And now he is a financial director instead- something that he enjoys and his relationship with his father is good too despite not fulfilling his father's dream.

    This friend of mine she made it through to medicine but when it was her final year of medicine, she decided to drop out because she never liked it! And now she is a primary school teacher. Is she happy? Yes, she is soooo much happier than before despite of not meeting her initial expectation/ goal.

    Sister, you see life is way more than doctors, lawyers and engineers. Sometimes, it is good to think out of the box and see what other good opportunities are out there for us. You see, if I had my way I would probably loved to become a fashion designer- designing and tailoring clothes for muslimah girls and women but instead I work in an office, 9 to 6.

    Good parents never ever loveless any of their kids, even if the kid feels the parents are treating one better than the other. And your parents seems like a loving parent. The only time parents would feel really angry and failed when the kid starts to do bad and haram things- like when the kid gets involved in pre-martial relationship and/or drugs, gambling etc etc. And Alhamdulillah you seem like really wise person. please dont ever feel or think ur parents loves you less coz it is not true. My oldest sister, despite she is married and have three kids, my mother still buys and talks to her more than us but this does not mean at all my mother loves the rest of us less.

    You are very important, special and unique to your parents- each child is! Don't ever think or feel they don't love you only becuase u didn't make it to medicine. Life is more than worldly education. If anything, we as muslims should only and only PLEASE Allah (swt).

    Don't worry and take it easy.


  3. Salaam,

    Maybe you need to look at your situation from a different perspective. When I was younger I always thought my mom loved my brother more. She definately acted like it.... even other people thought that she loved him way more. He could go out with his friends, go to sports tournaments, go to his friends' birthday parties, etc, but my sister and I couldn't because we're girls. I thought she was being unfair.

    But as I got older I found out that my mom had a VERY big fear of people harming me and my sister... so I accepted that she was doing it out of love.

    And they bought my brother a computer and told me they'd get me one later. I, like you, thought this was not true. BUT 6 or 7 years later they did. They kept their promise. When he went to university, they got him a car, a tablet and a phone. I know that they will get me one too if they can. But I don't even need them right now.

    My mom also talked to him with more respect and friendliness. I was jealous when I was a kid, but I realized it was because he actually talked to her. My sister and I, at that age, were in our own little world of games and imagination, so my mom couldn't really connect with us.

    As my siblings and I got older, I started to spend more time with my mom, and my brother got pulled further and further into the life of a young man. Now my mom talks the most wih me. That doesn't mean she loves me more.

    A similar thing happened with my dad and I. My brother and sister STILL to this day think that my dad likes me more than them. I know that isn't true. The reason he treats me differently is that we both have the same interests. We both love electronics, math, programming, computers, etc. AND my dad loves to teach us new things. My siblings don't pay attention and try to get away from him when he tries to teach us things, but I listen (even though a lot of the time I am not interested).

    In your case, they give more things to your sister than you. But think to yourself if your parents are in a bad financial situation and they have enough money to buy a computer (and your sister needs a computer) should they buy a computer or save up to buy you a car when you don't really need one? I do agree that they shouldn't have given her more eid presents but maybe they thought of it as a way to congratulate her acceptance in engineering. That doesn't mean they love you less. Only your sister would feel a bit disappointed if she felt her acceptance wasn't appreciated.

    I am sure you know the story of Yusuf and what jealousy made his brothers do. that's why jealousy is bad.

    A helpful thing I once heard was to look at the world like a bird in the sky, everything is small and unimportant. Don't look at it like a worm on the ground, where every small rock is like a mountain. If you look at the world like a bird, commiting suicide is stupid because you still have so many opportunities ahead of you, and this is such a small problem.

    About how your sister treats you... well she's your SISTER. sisters almost always say mean things when they're angry that they wouldn't say normally 🙂 Take it lightly.

    I hope this helped.

  4. sister, may Allaah give you peace in this world and hereafter.

    there are many ways to succeed in life.

    [please, i beg you to go on youtube and watch the doc called "college conspiracy"

  5. My parents for tell any thing they don't forgive me and I never get an laptop or anything special
    But when brothers asks for it they give them
    My parent's don't love me and they only my brothers and I never get attention from them not even a special thing from them; even relatives and father friends love them not me I don't get any attention from them and I dont have friends in school; and in real life; and I am typing this from my own phone bought by me
    No one loves me
    I don't get attention
    My parents hates me
    And brothers also hate me
    So if I commute sucide so I will in heaven or hell
    If someone commit sucide so it's haram and I have nothing to do in life so sucide will be hila for me

  6. You are not alone my friend...I am a guy who is facing exactly your situation...Sometimes it feels better to know we are not alone..I believe in what holy scriptures says.."Even when your Father and Mother forsake you,God will take care of you..."Nothing can seperate us from his love...

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