Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents fight because of her parents’ family; I ended up turning to anti-depressants

depression suicide


I have just recently seen ths website, i am going thru very upseting times and i need to share and also sum advice.
We live in the city K...I am a 25 years old woman. We are five siblings, two sisters elder to me and two brothers (twins) younger to me.

My parents had a love marriage. my father is a professional while mother is a retired gov teacher. When v were young, our maternal grandparents home ws everythng to u s(thou v had paternal grandparents as well but my paternal aunts werent happy with my parent's marriage) I have two unmarried unemployed maternal aunts, both of them used to go to "Baba or Aalim" since i remember. When i was four, i used to find taweez at their home, in plant pots or under the bed....

When i was three, v had to move to another city I, cz of my father's job and v had an unforgettable time their. My two elder sis moved back to K for their professional education (as the institutes in the city I were vry few n scope ws little).

After 2 years of their moving, my father's job ws also lost, so he tried n got a job in K. All three of them were living at my maternal grandparent's house. My younger unmarried maternal aunt became very close to my father. She used to polish his shoes for office, iron his clothes, lay out his underwears on his bed in the morning for office and so on.

After nearly 6 months my mother n rest 3 of us moved back to K and all of us finally moved to our own house in K. Since then my mother noticed tht the maternal aunt's behaviour was unappropriate to her (she didnt talk to my mum as before) and was vry close to my father. My mother disliked it and asked my father not to visit my maternal grandparents' house nearly everyday but he misbehaved with my mother.

He said she (my aunt) is just like my daughter...n so on the circumstances became worst...nearly 3 years it went on then my maternal grands n aunts n uncles also objected on our youngest maternal aunt...things became worse n worse n now my father doesnt go to my nani's house, whole of my maternal grand's dnt talk to my mother (bcuz the involved aunt is actually the soul of them, she does everythng for them n they are now wholely dependent on my maternal khala...

So finally it happens so tht my home left broken, my father didnt divorce my mother becuz my elder sis are married n i am engaged. But i have left broken bcuz al of this. i got admission in the best medical college of K, but became weaker n weaker in studies ending geting supplies! (failing in exam) in the end of my 2nd yr at medical school, i started hving some symptoms..n ws put on anti-depressants..hv taken for like 3 yrs but the symptoms go on n off.

im myslf engaged, n by sharing al of it wid my fiance i hv broken my reputation in his vision,he often asks me hw after marriage im goin to take a responsibility of home n children n in-laws...So nowadays thou i hv completed my MBBS, but i dnt feel like im even alive. i dnt do a job n thou i motivate myslf to study on n take xams but i hv already failed twice! my mother is always weeping n my father is always complaining. they dnt talk to eachother so i hv to listen them both.

I am hving those symptoms again eg. Headache, Depressed mood especially at sunset, Horrible dreams mostly see Blood (like blood splashes on sum wall), becomes disoriented with time and date (i don't care wat time or date it is or what i shud be doing at what time), have cut down all social engagements, read books but its as if im just reading n reading and understanding nothing, poor focus and concentration...

i dnt want to go on anti-depressants again. can sumbody tel me wat to do. My father used to b a religious man but since v hv shifted to K, he offers only jumma prayers, gives zakat n charity thou. but in my opinion he has alot of ego problem,he thinks low of my mother,cz she isnt a professional n mismanaged.

~ Blue

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4 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    There are many reasons people go on antidepressants. Sometimes people can go off of them after a period of time and function adequately, and some folks have to take them for the majority of their life just to bring a balance to a disturbance in their brain chemistry.

    You went into a lot of detail about what has happened in your family, but that really doesn't factor in to what you need. If you feel you are having difficulty coping with life and your responsibilties for ANY reason, or maybe for no reason at all, then antidepressants may be helpful.

    Something that should be taken into account is that taking antidepressants doesn't mean you are crazy or weak. Many times, depression (whether it is a single episode or arises in multiple episodes over the course of life in a chronic fashion) is the result of chemical imbalances in the brain. A person cannot help these imbalances any more than a diabetic can help that their insulin production is impaired or someone with hypothyroid has less thyroid hormone. Granted, certain events and experiences can cause chemicals to flood (or become restricted) in our brains and cause the imbalance, but that is what medication is for: to help us become well again (or to help us function as normally as possible if becoming well again is not an option).

    What many people don't realize is that antidepressants were never meant to be the sole means of treatment for depression. Medications were always intended to be used in conjunction with counseling or therapy. Have you ever seen a counselor to talk about how growing up in your family has affected you? If not, I would strongly suggest you do so in addition to having a psychiatric evaluation to determine if medications are right for you at this time. If you can work with a counselor while taking antidepressants, you can work on coping skills and strategies to manage the stress in your current life that may make it possible for you to go off the medications again at some point in the future.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Sister Blue,

    Depression can be debilitating. As sister Amy suggested, therapy and developing coping skills. For me, exercising is a good mechanism to ward off depression.

    You can exercise and still remain modest. About four months ago, I was bicycling on a trail outside of my city, and passed two women in hijab riding the other direction. I was surprised, but managed a quick Assalamu Alaykum. They were dressed very modestly, yet I'm sure they were enjoying the exercise. Just getting out and chatting with a sister about current events while walking would also help. I find that anything that gets ones blood pumping a little bit helps depression.

    This is not a full solution, but only a part. You must integrate this with other things, like therapy, other projects and diversions for your time, and prayer.

    AmericanMuslim Editor.

  3. Salaam Sister Blue,

    Primarily, please understand that you are not responsible in any way for the poisonous environment in your house and do not delve too much into the affairs at home between your mom and dad.

    Basically you should de-focus from ‘them’ to ‘you’.

    There are various ways to lift your mood and ward off depression to a great extent. Exercise daily, eat healthy, develop an interesting hobby, take time out with friends, study Quran, learn about Islam and strive to get closer to Allah.

    May Allah give wisdom and direction to your family and help you in recovering from these testing times.


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