Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents happiness or mine?

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I want to start off saying I know I went about things in the wrong manner but I could really use everyones help on conflict I'm facing.

I'll start from the beginning, I started talking to a guy from high school my first semester of college, and after the first time talking I knew I had feelings for him but never acted upon them until after the end of the semester when I admitted to having feelings after he told me.

I was raised in a very cultural and religious household and when my mom found out i felt horrible and decided to end things to find myself going back to him after a week, this happened multiple times throughout the first year because the guilt always got to me. I loved him but I put my moms wishes first and found myself miserable knowing i made the wrong choice so i would go back to him.

We wanted to get married from the beginning but i knew it would be difficult with the cultural difference, me being Afghan and him Pakistani. So I thought maybe after college when he has a job my parents will see not only does he make me happy but he can take care of me.

Its been 3 years now and we faced so many difficulties trying to get married and have my family accept him. I have gone through so much verbal abuse being called a whore by everyone in my family and told i was better off dead since i wouldn't disgrace my family for marrying someone outside the ethnicity.

This weekend my mom got into contact with him and told him to send his mother and sister, his family came to our house so hopeful and attempted to convince them to give their family a chance to show us they aren't bad people and that this marriage would make the children happy. Throughout the whole meeting my family shot down everything they said and I sat there too scared to say anything because i knew they would just curse me after they left and thats what happened.

My family tried to discourage them from wanting me by saying i couldnt cook, clean, i was short tempered, and even said i wouldnt be able to have children. I always knew that might be an issue so i already discussed this with the guy and he said that if he's marrying me its because he loves me and if children are meant for us then Allah will allow it. This one aspect made me fall even more in love with him. I know he's the one for me and even did istikarah if he was the one for me and i had good results that night of.

In an attempt to have my family see they're good people his mom and sister suggested they come again tomorrow with the guy. the next day when they came he appologized for everything and said he respected my mom and came because he respected them. My mom continued to shoot them down and said he shouldve ended things when she first talked to them. After his mom and sister were literally begging for a chance he felt upset that they were begging my mom because of him and he started to sound frustrated. I dont blame him for getting upset his sister looked as if she was about to cry trying to convince everyone.

They didnt like that he was upset and said he isnt good because he was getting upset but what how can you blame him, his dad was at the hospital because he was sick and his mother was begging mine and kept getting shot down. My family came to the conclusion that we wouldnt talk for a year after today and we would see if we were still in contact after then and within this year i was to convince my dad but if he didnt come around the relationship would be over.

After talking to him at the end of the day, I knew he was upset and he said that he was hurt for putting his family through the embarrassment for 2 days only to get rejected both times. He said that after today he would respect my moms agreement and we wouldn't talk for the year. But then after the year was over I would have one chance to leave with him if my dad didnt agree and if i didnt go then i would never hear from him again and he would just stay alone for the rest of his life.

After they left, everyone at home called me a slut and whore. They also said i should kill myself since there wasn't any other way of us being together. Im just so distraught with life now and i dont know what to do.

I've been hearing these things for 3 years I've started thinking they might be right. That I might be better off dead. I can't live without him and my family said theres no way i can marry him with their wishes. I'm scared to lose him, i love him so much and i know we would be happy together but my parents won't agree, today i tried talking to my dad and he threatened that if i even thought about it again he would kill me.

guidanceplease

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5 Responses »

  1. OP: I was raised in a very cultural and religious household and when my mom found out i felt horrible and decided to end things to find myself going back to him after a week, this happened multiple times throughout the first year.......Its been 3 years now and we faced so many difficulties trying to get married and have my family accept him. I have gone through so much verbal abuse being called a whore by everyone in my family and told i was better off dead since i wouldn't disgrace my family for marrying someone outside the ethnicity.

    Very cultural and religious people don't call their daughters whores and wish their daughters they were dead. Be brave and marry the best guy you can find.

  2. Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles but how dare your family say such horrible things to you! You have done your best to do this the right way and make things work but at the end of the day this is your life. If you trust and believe he is the one for you and he can make you happy than go be with him. Why should you be miserable and stay with a family who are so abusive! Regardless they are your family and I know you can not pick and choose them but If they truely loved you they wouldn't be so stubborn, harsh and selfish. You need to do what makes you happy. They say you are better off dead well then guess what, don't give them that satisfaction and go be with the man you love. Your father says he will kill you? then leave. Go live your life. You do not threaten to kill people you love. You come from different countries so what? I can't stand it when people discriminate others on things which has nothing to do with the human beings they are. No on is the same. As long as you share the same beliefs and he is a good man then that is all. You can never please everyone in life.
    Be strong my sister and I wish you the best!
    x

  3. Sister from my personal experince and as a sister in islam i would strongly advise u to not leave that guy!!! Ur famly and perents are very very selfish and crule people. Theyr not religious at all! They only care about them selves and that stupit culture nothing alse. Then why shuld u sacrifise ur happness and life for such a people.. belive me sister even if u leave this guy and marry to the guy ur perents chose for u, after marriege if u have any problam with ur husband or hes not being good to u stil ur perents will NOT support u. They will tell u to stay misreble and be patient as long as their "ezath" is safe in the eyea of socity. They will not care about u even in the future.

    So No point making ur life misrible for such a selfish people. Leave ur perents house and marry that guy. At the end of the day ur gonna be living with this guy not ur famly. Be bareve and leave.

  4. Salaam sister
    Seems like your family can't accept outside of their culture. I don't like to say "wrong" to ppl's culture belifes but it's just not right how they are calling you. I grew up in usa and i am from India and my family do wish the same culture from my future husband but that's extra, its not neccessary. My mom called me all kind of names when I wanted to marry a "bad Muslim guy". He was Muslim but didn't like any Islam rules in his life or followed at all. My parents knew he was worst than non believer. So everytime I kept contact with him my mom called me whore, ungrateful daughter and curse at me if I be with him. I didn't listen to my mom and just prayed and did isthekara and Allah made my heart showed that he was bad for me. Do I moved on. But your story is different. So I advice you do isthekara and make your final decision, only Allah can tell you if you should/shouldn't marry him. Don't worry about your mom. You just need to ignore her because you can't make her ever understand. Once you are married to him, she will learn to accept you and him. After marriage, your mom will come on her own. A mom can't stay away from her child. ISLAM should be your culture, religion and everything in life. Yes parents happiness is important but if they thinking wrong then it doesnt matter here. Your happiness is important and you shouldn't let him go. Its not easy to find a good man with good family background. So don't let go of him.

    Good luck and be strong and defend yourself! 🙂

  5. Salaam.. I'm in the exact same place as you sister.. Was wondering how you're getting on? Have they gave in? You still in contact with
    The guy?.. may Allah make things easy for us.. Ameen xx

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