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My parents have decided on a proposal for me but my heart is unsettled | IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice
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Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents have decided on a proposal for me but my heart is unsettled

Assalam-o-Alaikum fellow brothers and sisters,

I am a 27 year old girl belonging to a thoroughly middle class family from Pakistan. I am in a deep state of worry and despair at the moment and am in desperate need of honest advice and guidance, that complies with Islamic principles.

I am highly educated and work in a prestigious organization; recently, I have also been awarded a fully funded grant to pursue a Master's degree in the US - my siblings and my mother were very happy and supportive of this, my father not so much, because he doesn't fully appreciate how big of a deal the grant actually is.

A year and a half ago, I met a boy at my workplace - he was from a different organization and had been assigned to audit my organization's programs. We exchanged pleasantries and eventually he left - neither of us pursued each other at that time. A few months later, we both ran into each other through mutual friends and got to talking - these were just telephone conversations about our lives, hopes and dreams - nothing serious. Eventually, we started talking regularly and one day he told me he was interested in pursuing something serious and disclosed everything about himself to me, with the intention that he didn't want me to have any surprises later. Basically, his family life was messy as per typical Pakistani cultural standards - his mother got widowed when he was 10 years old, and his sister was 6 - she was still young and since didnt have anyone to support her, she got re-married to a man who was already married. She remains married to him till this day - they live separately and the step-father supports their household financially and has also been a father figure to both children all through their lives, paying for their education etc....

These revelations did make me think very hard about whether or not I could deal with all this emotional baggage, and I fervently prayed to Allah to guide me to come at the right decision (I realize I was praying for something that was not at that time Halal, but please bear with me). Eventually, I decided that these things didn't really matter and I told him that I was in - in that time I had discussed his core values, had deduced that he was a humble, kind, responsible person with great control over his anger - and all of these things were important for me in a potential spouse. Another thing that complicated the situation - and which prevented me from approaching my mother with this information - was that he had not by this time completed his professional qualification, despite the fact that he had a steady job at a good organization.

Long story short, we decided we both wanted to pursue the "relationship" with the explicit assumption that it was leading to marriage, as soon as he finished his degree -which he almost has, as of now- and was in a position to support me financially. We met a few times, in the company of friends, and nothing wrong or immoral took place, except conversation. We fell in love and respected each other enormously, shared everything with each other, made plans for the future together. When I found out about the scholarship, he made the decision to apply to the US as well, so we could go together, AFTER formalizing our relationship. During all this time - one year and four months - I prayed to Allah consistently for the best outcome for both of us and to keep us both chaste. While he wasn't very regular in his namaz, he was a decent person - he doesn't lie, treats people with kindness and generally doesn't engage in immoral activities.

In the backdrop of all this, my mother kept looking for proposals for me, but nothing ever materialized. She had encouraged me to find someone for myself if I had the chance, provided I didn't cross any limits and kept her in confidence. I wanted for him to finish his qualification, speak to his mother and have his mother approach my mother when the time was right. Two weeks ago a very decent proposal came for me - they accepted and so did my parents, immediately, without giving me the chance to have any say about it. The boy's parents are practicing Muslims and they belong to a much higher social class. The boy himself is settled abroad and has a steady job.

When my mother told me that she and my father had said yes to that proposal, I panicked and started crying and told her everything and also told her that I wanted to marry someone else. She reacted very furiously and made me pressure my friend into talking to his mother and making her call my mother at once. He did both those things, despite the fact that his home situation was in a lot of turmoil those days. He spoke to my sister as well, reassuring her that he was serious and committed to marrying me, he just needed a little bit of time to stand on firm ground before he could actually go through with the nikkah, My sister was convinced and told the same to my mother.

However, my mother refused categorically, called bad names to his mother and to him and abused me for betraying her trust and for acting immorally. I cried and begged her for her forgiveness and begged Allah for forgiveness, made taubah not to ever repeat the sin of meeting with a na-mehram, but still pleaded with both her and Allah to accept my choice for marriage. My mother went on to tell my father everything, all the details, and my father abused me, accusing me of committing zina, and of other terrible things. Neither of them budged from their position, and kept abusing me and blackmailing me emotionally to accept the other proposal. Their reasons for refusing my choice were grounded in their fear of what other people would say about his mother's second marriage and accused me of dishonoring them and bringing ruin to them and my sisters. While my sisters understood my pain and felt that my parents were being unfair, eventually, even they urged me to let my request go and just quietly accept what my parents were saying.

I have been through hell these past three weeks, I am deeply hurt and have caused hurt to a person I admire, respect and care for very deeply. I stopped talking to him a week ago, asking him to give me some space to think and come to terms with my parents' forced decision, and he hasn't bothered me ever since - not even a text. He told me he would stand by me in whatever I decided and that makes it all the more hard. I told my mother I would consider the other proposal, but requested her to not force me into it if I didn't like him. She is adamant that everything is decided and there is no way out. Despite the fact that I have been praying to Allah every minute of every day, I can't find it in my heart to accept my parent's decision, and can't soften their hearts for me. My heart still wants to marry the person I chose. Am I destined for hell if I refuse the proposal my parents have chosen for me? They have threatened to disown me and throw me out in the streets if I disobey them, but is it not my right, given to me by my religion, to be free to marry whom so ever my heart desires, provided he is of good faith? I am very, very, distressed, and am making dua constantly. My heart refuses to come to terms with my parents' decision. I need some guidance from people who are detached from the whole situation and can give me unbiased, honest answers, so I can make peace with all that is happening.

I look forward to hearing from you.

With all my sincere regards,
M

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31 Responses »

  1. Sister I think your family have done more wrong than you and what you have described doesn't permit you to be punished in hell as you say. You remained faithful and optimistic which is good. And this forced marriage is unfortunately a cultural thing that gets in the way of religion . No one should be forced to marriage. You have the right to decide your own spouse after all you will be spending your life with them till the end.

    I believe it's best you read some hadith and extracts from the Qur'an to your parents to back yourself in the situation they have put you in. Tell them you have met a good Muslim person as well who you prefer to marry. They should support you in this and not despise you after all you are following good examples by seeking marriage and not committting unlawful relationship outside of marriage. I hope things works out well for you. Do keeps us posted.

    • To the generally good advice above I wish to add following points:
      1. You could point out to your parents that with the exception of Aisha all wifes of the Prophet have been married before - so the mere fact that your sweethearts mother was married before can not be such a catastrophe (it is just a lame excuse).
      2. Certainly your parents are convinced that marrying their choice is the best for you - but they of course may be wrong like anyone (and like millions of parents before). Can you not point to some marriages among relatives where the parents were completely convinced that they made the right choice for their son / daughter and the marriage ended in a complete debacle?
      3. Your sweetheart probably said that he would stand by you in whatever you decided because he wants the best for you, and does not want to burden you with the feeling that you have to stand up against your parents up to the point where you would be disowned and be forced to cut all family ties. He wanted you to have a clear conscience should you decide that you can not bear the pressure anymore and give in.
      4. You should thoroughly contemplate just how strong your feelings for your sweetheart are. If you feel not merely attraction towards your sweetheart but love and can not let go of him, you should not enter a marriage with another man. Even if you see no chance for you two to marry, you should get over him first before accepting another proposal. Marrying while still loving somebody else sounds like a recipe for a failed marriage. You will always compare your husband with your sweetheart and always the thought will haunt you that you would be much happier with your sweetheart. Odds are that not only will you make yourself unhappy, but also a completely innocent person, who did not deserve this: the other man proposing to you.The man proposing to you hopes to find mutual love and happiness within this marriage. A marriage may turn out good, it may turn out bad (some people just do not fit together), but both parties should enter a marriage willing to do the best they can for ist success. If you feel attached to someone else, you can not do your best. What if you marry the other man and your husband falls in love with you only to find that the woman he married is unable to reciprocate his love but remains cold towards him? Would it not make him feel miserable? Disappointed? Do you think you could hide this from him? Do you think you could play the role of a loving wife day after day, month after month to make him happy?
      Can you run or jump with a broken leg? I think it has to heal first.
      You should thoroughly consider whether enduring the pressure of your family for a few months until they get worn out and give up is not preferable to months or even years of an unhappy marriage - in the worst case leaving you as a divorcee with children and your husband as a divorcee indebted with the costs of a southasian marriage and having to pay alimony.
      Your parents Intention to find a suitable man for you and your wish to please them are both honorable - but surely there is a line to draw when it destroys peoples happiness and lives.
      It is of course difficult to make your parents understand this line of reasoning. It may be a viable strategy if you make a relative, an aunt, uncle or grandparents understand this and he or she as a surrogate may succed in making them see their errors.

      • Thank you so much for your reply. It was exactly the balanced perspective that I so very badly needed to hear. I understand my parent's disappointment in me and I am ashamed and regretful of what I did.I have apologized to them many times since then.

        I also agree that it was wrong of me to keep my relationship with my friend from them up until the point that they put forward a proposal for me. However, when I did bring it up, I put forward a request to accept my friend's proposal; he intended to marry me, and had no hesitation whatsoever to ask my parents for my hand. In fact, he himself called up my mother requesting her to speak to his mother regarding our marriage, My mother was extremely impolite and hung up the phone when he requested that she speak to his mother.

        Since I wrote this post in January, there have been a lot of changes to my situation. I would appreciate your guidance and support moving forward. Like I said, I ended things with this guy so I could give my parent's choice a fair chance, When I spoke to the person my parents had picked for me, it became very clear that he had no intention of marrying anyone so suddenly and was under pressure from his mother to accept the proposal - he said that to me himself, along with a number of other strange things like how he doesnt pray because in Canada there is no concept of religion, and that he despises women who observe purdah etc... He was also extremely unambitious and sounded immature about a lot of things (He was 31 years old at this time). At the end of our first conversation he told me that he was relieved that I was leaving for the States in August since that meant that nothing could happen until then as it was too soon for him to commit to a Nikkah. He also asked me to keep our conversation between the two of us and not say anything to my mother and that he wanted to arrive at a decision himself. Ofcourse, I told everything to my mother, She, in turn, got super upset at me and accused me of sabotaging the conversation by bringing up my scholarship. She then made it clear that I would not be going for my masters in the US and that I would have to give up my scholarship and settle down with this guy. The guy himself asked me about my scholarship and its duration etc... Was I wrong in telling him about it? He also said to me that if I wanted to end this thing, he would be totally onboard. Tell me, is this the attitude of a person who is looking to settle down?

        Anyway, I stayed quiet at that time and didn't react to what my mother said. All this time I kept making dua and istkikhara and prayed tahajjud to ask Allah to make this easy for me. I did not even text my friend a single time and he did not bother me at all as well, although one of our mutual friends told me that he was very upset and depressed and was waiting to hear back from me all this time - I did not let that affect my resolve. I kept in touch with the other person for over a month - everytime it was the same conversation: he couldn't make up his mind about marriage. Repeatedly, he would ask me what i wanted and each time I would say that it was not up to me to make any decisions as it my parents were responsible for that and I would do whatever they said, His mother also stayed in touch with my mother and while earlier she was really eager to make a final decision as soon as possible, now she started make lame excuses about how her son couldn;t come to Pakistan before 6 months, how it was up to the children to come to an understanding etc... Basically, he was too much of a coward to take a stand against him mother, kept giving her his own version of things and wanted me to the one to back out of the whole thing, I did nit give him the chance to let that happen.

        One day, my mother picked me up from my office (this was almost 6 weeks after I had started talking to this other guy) and she seemed upset. I asked her what was the matter and she started yelling at me, again accusing me of betraying her, causing her disgrace and also of remaining in touch with my ex. She said that the interested party had ended thing saying that I had told the guy that I had a lot of other proposals and that I could marry anyone I wanted to. This was a flat out lie, I told my mother that I hadn;t said anything like this but she didnt believe me. I asked her if she had confronted the lady about any one the stuff that her son had said ( I had his text messages as proof) and she said that his mother said that he was only joking!!! So that story ended there, with both my parents convinced that I caused it to end because I was still talking to the other guy.

        Allah is my witness that I didn't do any such thing. I prayed and begged for Allah to make the right decision for me and in my heart I felt so much lightness and relief that this thing ended. Does that make me a terrible person? My mother also said to me that no matter what happened she would never accept my friends proposal for me - he wasn't even in the picture anymore.

        A month after this whole thing ended, I heard back from the university I had applied to and gotten accepted. It was at this time my sister approached me and asked me if i was still talking to my ex. I wasn't - partly because I was ashamed of the way i had treated him and caused insult to his family, She urged me to get in touch with him again, she said if he truly cared for me he'd understand and give me another chance. She also promised to stand by me if he agreed to marriage and help me convince my mother. I agreed to message him. He didn't reply for a few days, but the cakked me himself. He was very upset and hurt. I apologized to him and asked him for another chance, His mother asked to speak to me and asked me if I wanted to marry her son. I told her yes, She then said that she'll support our decision and would be happy to talk to my parents when the time was right. We resumed our talking and how things would work out while I was away for 2 years, Initially, he wanted to get married as soon as possible or at least get engaged before I leave in August, but I convinced him that my parents were still very emotional about the whole episode and we should wait to approach the topic with them again, He's agreed. He has also found a job in Dubai and moved there a week ago to strengthen his financial position.

        He has been understanding and sincere. I might be naive and immature, but I truly believe in my heart that he is the right person for me, He makes me better. I am closer to Allah, he is closer to Allah now, My mother doesn't know and I feel terrible about this. We both want to tell her as soon as possible. My sister (I never saw this coming, so I might be more stupid that I realize) just said to me that she doesnt want to be a part of this conversation! So I am on my own, once again. I'm sorry for all the details but I didn't want to leave anything out, What do you think I should do now?

        Thank you for your response and your time,

        Yours Sincerely,
        MI

        • Assalamu alaykum.
          I am not in the position to give you any exact advice right now, as I'm very young and inexperienced. But, please, know that I am praying for you and wish the best for you, dear. One thing that is clear to me, I think you should try speaking more with a third party around. Don't text him alone or have phone calls. This will only make it more difficult to wait to finally marry and for your parents to be able to handle this. Please try speaking to a local, trusted Imam about this. In shaa Allah he will help you and your parents understand. I'm sorry your parents if your parents are making this difficult for you, but, they still have a right over us to obey them wherever you are not going against Islam. You marrying without your will is WRONG, but, if they don't like you texting him, try to cut back on it. Help your parents as much as possible around the house and tell them in a kind manner, but repeatedly, that you would like to get married to him as soon as possible and that you have always prayed and done istikharaa that he is the best for you.
          I don't know if this works, but I have always wondered if it will. Ask your parents to make istikhaara about this matter. In shaa Allah the istikharaa will eventually make their hearts inclined to the right decision and you will know that wherever you have gone was the best for you. Try to get them to speak to an Imaam as well so you could also indirectly let your mother know that it's wrong for her to refuse a marriage merely because the mother re-married, and, that her hesitation to get you married might perhaps open the doors to fitna and zina, astaghfarullah, in shaa Allah not, but you understand what I mean.
          In shaa Allah, whatever man you will be married to, he will be good for you. 🙂

  2. Salam sister,
    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I also belong to a very strict Pakistani family. Recently my parents took me to Pakistan and forced me to marry a guy I dont like. I'm trying to take divorce now and I'm being pressurized to stay in this marriage. My parents have said they will disown me and will send me back to Pakistan if I take divorce. I'm in a terrible situation too.
    Sister you can perform istikhara and ask Allah for guidance. Be patient and Allah will help you. It's your right to pick your life partner and your parents can't force you to marry somebody you don't like.
    I know how it feels to be in that situation. You should also look at the proposal your parents have accepted. Maybe the guy is a right choice for you.
    Whatever you decide to do just make sure you're happy with it because at the end of the day you would be the one going through it. You can also try talking to your parents and explain your feelings. Eventhough I know Desi parents are very strict about marriage matters but you should still give it a try.
    May Allah bless you sister.

    • Do you live with your parents or in your own place? It seems to me that you're better off being disowned by such a family rather then being involved with them.

      My advice is to divorce your husband and let your family disown you if they want - it's their loss.

      One question: why did you allow yourself to be forced to marry a man you didn't want to anyway? You should've gone to the police and told them your family is forcing you into marriage. I'm pretty sure the law would protect you.

  3. Don't take any decisions and ask first r time to your parents and your boyfriend. Time is the best healer. Wait till you know your mind and ur family theirs.

  4. I too have some problems on my end, but this is very serious. Your parents aren't doing what they should be. They should be supporting you, and not forcing you into your marriage. After all, this is who you're giving your mind, body, and soul to. However, always, always respect your parents. Even though they're doing this to you, keep respecting them. Sometimes you want to scream at your parents -- but don't. They've done so many things for you. Just keep making dua'a so you can marry the man your heart wants. Remember, Allah will never give you something He knows you can't handle.

    • You are absolutely wrong Salwa, how do you know that person will not show his teeth later on. When his mother got divorced he would have got something from his mother as well.

      Firstly, you did wrong by contacting non mehram, its like transgressing someone property and then claiming your rights.

      If the person whom you like is of lesser practicing muslim (right aqeedah is of utmost importance) than the arranged proposal, then marry your parents choice.

      • Hi,

        You have clearly not read my post carefully. His mother got WIDOWED, not DIVORCED.

        Secondly, I already feel really bad about what I have done, and have repented. I would appreciate if I am not made to feel worse about it repeatedly,

        Also, are marriage decisions really that black and white? Should I JUST look at the extent of the other person's practice of the deen and then make a decision? None of us have forsaken this world, and strive each day to make our lives in THIS world easier, so should our decision for marriage - the MOST important decision of our life - be only based on the religious practice WITHOUT giving consideration to other relevant aspects of compatibility?

  5. I'm not seeing any submitted post by you. Please provide a link to the post, or the title of the post.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Wsalam sister,
    This does seem a difficult situation indeed!
    As you have been advised, offer istikhara prayer and ask Allah SWT for guidance and help. It is obvious that you are attached to your friend by now. Is he going to the US with you? Or will you be going alone?
    Does the other proposal guy live in US? Have you spoken to him? What about his religious practices? You cannot estimate his religiosity from his parents’ practice. Have your parents investigated about his habits and nature? The picture that you have sketched of your family makes me feel that you are all highly educated girls with core values that are highly regarded in the Pakistani society. However, our society has increasingly become materialistic, so, the question is why have people from a higher social class asked for your hand? I have my doubts about it being due to your good education or good upbringing. Hence, please investigate the proposal properly. Two weeks is too quick if your families haven’t known each other long.
    Your parents and you are right about lack of social acceptability for a guy with family baggage. It could also be true that he sees
    you as a stability in life that he did not have, but, you do; again due to your social standing, education and upbringing. He seems to realise that and which is why he is maintaining a respectful distance now. Are you sure you will be able to make peace with his family situation? How much do you know about it? A lot of times, things are not what they seem to be from the outside or your perspective might be different once you become a part of his home. How long does he need to establish himself? Will his course help him up his career and earning to give you a lifestyle that is
    acceptable to you? With him, the case is how much are you willing to compromise without resenting it later on and that is something that you know best about yourself.
    It is definitely a difficult situation. I have tried to give you perspectives on both according to my understanding. It is obvious your heart is set on your friend and it will be difficult to be impartial.
    Give your parents’ choice a chance and insist for him to be properly investigated.
    If at the end of it all, praying, insisting, thinking, your heart is not in this proposal, choose to respectfully decline and be firm on your refusal. This is not about a study grant or a job offer. It is about a lifetime. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

  7. Salam Every one , i have some different issue please guide me in right way. this is Tania From pakistan and i have a very serious issue please guide me properly, i am 23 years old and i am marred. when i was 19 years old i got marred now i have 2 babies the problem is that in starting days of my marraige life my husband gave me so much time and he used to satisfied me on bed properly but when the time passed he started ignored me infact after my second baby he don't come to me and i will say that 7 to 8 months have passed we didn't have a single intercourse so the problem is that i am a marred girl and i have also some feelings but my husband don't noticed that i am soo sexually frustrated i am sorry i am typing this line but all my marred sisters can understand my situation because previously 8 months i don't get any intercourse so all marred sisters can realize my condition how i am tolerating on my self 😮 so for pleasure i started fingering/masturbation & i am feeling soo shame to write this that three to four times i felt in like a lesbian activity with my one of my old school friend she knew my situation and one day we were watching porn together then we both couldn't control over self and she told me if your husband don't give u time then its a better option to relax but literally i am feeling soo shame on my this activity actually i didn' t want to do this but i did it in my foolish way. but ok i know i am blamable but isn't my husband blamable because his activities tends me to do this shamfull act 😮 so this is my situation and i want to ask my question that in these situation what i describe above is it permitted to do fingering/masturbation or using toys or felt in any activity like girl on girl relation what i describe above etc???? if not so how should i have pleasure if my husband don't satisfy me on bed???? kindly reply me with positve thanks.

    • Assalamu alaikum Tania.

      The sexual activities with your girl friend must stop. May Allah swt forgive you for what has taken place between the two of you. You were going through a difficult time and acted in such a way. It can never happen again. And pls don't watch porn. It's forbidden because it leads to wrongdoing.

      I would suggest you stick to masturbation for now. A sexual need is like every other need - it must be fulfilled. Please do not feel ashamed for needing sexual pleasure. It's a need created by Allah Himself. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have sexual desires.

      You need to address the problems within the marriage. Lack of sex is a sign of other things that are going wrong and that your husband is not fulfilling your needs overall.

      It's time to have a talk with him outside of the bedroom. Tell him how you feel. He has an obligation to fulfil your sexual needs. You must tell him you can't go on in a sexless marriage any more. It is affecting you more than he knows and is becoming unbearable.

      Pls don't put up with a sexless marriage. It will drive you to sin. If nothing changes you may need to consider therapy with or without him.

      May Allah swt grant you ease in your situation.

      • sis i have told him a lots of time but he always said me that he got bored from me & my body thats why he don't enjoyed while having sex with me 😮 he said to me we both should keep away from each other for a long time may be his desires again fire for me after a long time but this was his thinking but i need intercourse in fact sister if i use a slang word so plz don't mind i need a hard fucking i want to moaning this is my condition u can realize sister . and if my old school friend satisfies me from her middle finger or any material object & i satisfied her so sister whats wrong in it in this situation??? i m playing with the same gender not with any boy don't u think its better to do instead with any boy????

        • Tania... it's wrong because Allah swt doesn't allow it. Homosexual relations are haram and considered a crime against nature.

          Your husband is neglecting your needs and will be answerable to Allah swt. If he refuses to work on his problems and is leaving you unsatisfied he is sinful. You must separate from him because you are falling into sin.

          Divorce in this case is not disliked by Allah swt but becomes necessary. Your marriage is not preventing you from sin and you must address this.

          Every woman reading this will understand your desperation. But you cannot suffer like this. You have to seek divorce from him. If a wife isn't satisfying her husband he can take a second wife. But women don't have this freedom.

          Pls be brave and take steps to free yourself from this oppressive marriage where your husband doesn't care about your needs.

          Wish you all the best.

        • Tania Rafiq: he said to me we both should keep away from each other for a long time may be his desires again fire for me after a long time but this was his thinking but i need intercourse in fact sister if i use a slang word so plz don't mind i need a hard fucking i want to moaning this is my condition.

          Your husband may benefit by sex therapy. Logically your solution is the next best thing to sex with your husband. If you don't go for self service or your female friend, you may be tempted to do it with a man who gives you some attention. Being a woman unfortunately from religious point of view, sex with a woman is not allowed for you.

          With 2 kids and divorce you will have hard time finding a new husband.

        • Dear Tania,

          Let me start by saying that although most scholars consider masturbation haram in Islam, I find their argumentation weak, not convincing. My main objection is: if drinking alcohol, eating pork, usury could be unambiguously forbidden by Quran and hadith, then why not masturbation? Why is it that I could not find a reliable hadith, not obviously forged which explicitly said "it is forbidden to masturbate", if it really was forbidden? I have come to the conclusion that it`s just over-zealous scholars trying to control every aspect of life. I see no reason to consider masturbation a sin. It does not cause any damage to health. Almost everybody does oder has done it, so it is quite normal human behaviour, you need not feel shame for it. If it brings you relief, do it as often you wish.
          Secondly, you should come clear with yourself whether you only engaged in lesbian activity because there was no other partner available or because of preexisting homosexual / bisexual leanings. If the latter is the case, I know that there are muslim organisations in the US, UK and Canada to help deal with homosexual leanings (Muslims for progressive values in the US, Imaan in the UK, Salaam Canada) to contact, I do not know whether there is one in Pakistan (you may try and search the internet).
          Regarding your husband I have following advice to give:
          1. Rule out that his lack fo interest comes from medication he begun taking (some have this side-effect).
          2. Maybe you could get your husband to pleasure you with his hand. After going to bed in the evening snuggle up to him, embrace him, ask him to caress your body with his hands. If he declares that he has no interest in intercourse, then you should tell him that this is not what you expect from him (so he does not feel under pressure), but that caressing gives you the feeling of being loved and you are in need of 10-15 minutes of it. Try to make this 10-15 minutes of caressing a routine of every evening. Express with soft moaning how much you like it. At a later stage ask him to place his hand between your legs onto the inner side of your thigh, and later to move up. If he shows interest and enthusiasm you may go further and show / explain to him how he can get you to orgasm with his hand. With a little bit of luck he himself may get aroused and gain new interest in intercourse.
          3. Consider changing your appearance. Try out another hair colour. There exist even one-day contact lenses which make a change of eye-colour possible (though putting them in requires some practice). With lingerie of a corsage type or short negligee combined with stockings you can cover most of your body in an arousing way, leaving his imagination to fill out what he cannot see.
          4. Talk with your husband about his sexual desires. Find out what he does to gain relief. He may have secret desires he is too shy to tell you, but which you would be able and willing to fulfill.
          5. Never, ever tell him that you engaged in sexual activity with another person, regardless of how ashamed you feel or how painful your pricks of remorse are. There is no telling how he will react, but he will most likely be hurt, and it would probably cause great harm to your marriage. Do not cause him pain only to relieve your conscience, it will do more harm than use.
          Keep us posted whether any of this was helpful.

  8. Sister Sometimes parents are right!
    They mostly worry about thier children's future. Maybe they might be seeing what you cannot!
    It depends on your destiny!
    You cannot be sure 100% that you will have whatever you want or happen .
    Don't be disappointed!
    How can you be sure that after marriage he can be the person whom you are assumed!
    MY ADVICE TO YOU PRAY FOR BETTER NO MATTER WHAT WILL BE LATER!
    LISTEN MUFTI MENK's advice about marriage!(There is a lot but one of them for your question)
    RESPECT YOUR PARENTS BECAUSE MOSTLY THEY CAN SEE WHAT YOU CANNOT SEE!
    If you marry to the person whom you love this is your destiny if not please don't panic !
    I coudn't marry the girls whom I loved even I still love one of it deeply.
    I was so angry I said to dear Allah why ? , why ? why are you doing that?
    After seeing Mufti Menk's advice on youtube I got my answer so you will to inshaallah !
    Sister we are human!!!!

  9. Assalamu alaikum sister,

    To object to an intended spouse on the basis that his mother was remarried, is an unjust reason. In today's world, there are many from broken homes and they have suffered for that already without the need for predujice.

    However from a parent's perspective, I would be distraught in knowing that my daughter had fraternized with a man and had indicated nothing until she her parents put forward a proposal.

    This would naturally lead to the parents thinking the worst and you will later appreciate your father's reaction. What has probably hurt your father is that he gave you plenty of freedoms such as going to the US for study but you have repaid him unkindly.

    I believe that you behaved appropriately in this man's company but that doesn't make it ok unfortunately and without wanting to patronise, is why free mixing is forbidden. Mentally and emotionally you connected and that is a big deal. Relationships are not just physical of course and the emotional aspect is far more significant.

    Thus appreciate your parents pain at this situation. They clearly have done the best for you so far and they are angry at what you have done despite their efforts. You have broken their trust.

    Perhaps if this man had been man enough to approach your family earlier on when he declared his feeling to you and told you about his family. I would be thinking negatively of such a man who feels at ease at becoming close someone's daughter. Immediately you would think this is disrespectful and you would question his deen.

    Concerning your parents proposal, you cannot dismiss this, for this is they way it was meant to be done. You gain a better perspective of when viewing objectively, rather than being clouded with emotions. However, as others have said, you should not go ahead with any marriage if you're heart lies elsewhere.

    I'm sorry for your trouble and I hope I didn't come across as patronising. You are clearly intelligent and worldly, nevertheless this does not mean that you know better in this situation with regards to this man. Age and experience yield wisdom and as the previous commenter said, your parents see things you cannot yet see and so on.

    I say move on from the guy. It is merely a trial. He's just some guy at the end of the day but you can never replace your mother and father nor severe ties for such a thing!
    Show your parents willingness to cooperate with this proposal idea as they won't take you seriously if you then reject it. I would say they are appearing forceful on the matter, as they are in a panic about you and this other man. I am sure if you protested enough with reasoning, they would not force you.

    All the best, Inshaa'Allah

    • Dear Sister Amira,

      Thank you for your reply. It was exactly the balanced perspective that I so very badly needed to hear. I understand my parent's disappointment in me and I am ashamed and regretful of what I did.I have apologized to them many times since then.

      I also agree that it was wrong of me to keep my relationship with my friend from them up until the point that they put forward a proposal for me. However, when I did bring it up, I put forward a request to accept my friend's proposal; he intended to marry me, and had no hesitation whatsoever to ask my parents for my hand. In fact, he himself called up my mother requesting her to speak to his mother regarding our marriage, My mother was extremely impolite and hung up the phone when he requested that she speak to his mother.

      Since I wrote this post in January, there have been a lot of changes to my situation. I would appreciate your guidance and support moving forward. Like I said, I ended things with this guy so I could give my parent's choice a fair chance, When I spoke to the person my parents had picked for me, it became very clear that he had no intention of marrying anyone so suddenly and was under pressure from his mother to accept the proposal - he said that to me himself, along with a number of other strange things like how he doesnt pray because in Canada there is no concept of religion, and that he despises women who observe purdah etc... He was also extremely unambitious and sounded immature about a lot of things (He was 31 years old at this time). At the end of our first conversation he told me that he was relieved that I was leaving for the States in August since that meant that nothing could happen until then as it was too soon for him to commit to a Nikkah. He also asked me to keep our conversation between the two of us and not say anything to my mother and that he wanted to arrive at a decision himself. Ofcourse, I told everything to my mother, She, in turn, got super upset at me and accused me of sabotaging the conversation by bringing up my scholarship. She then made it clear that I would not be going for my masters in the US and that I would have to give up my scholarship and settle down with this guy. The guy himself asked me about my scholarship and its duration etc... Was I wrong in telling him about it? He also said to me that if I wanted to end this thing, he would be totally onboard. Tell me, is this the attitude of a person who is looking to settle down?

      Anyway, I stayed quiet at that time and didn't react to what my mother said. All this time I kept making dua and istkikhara and prayed tahajjud to ask Allah to make this easy for me. I did not even text my friend a single time and he did not bother me at all as well, although one of our mutual friends told me that he was very upset and depressed and was waiting to hear back from me all this time - I did not let that affect my resolve. I kept in touch with the other person for over a month - everytime it was the same conversation: he couldn't make up his mind about marriage. Repeatedly, he would ask me what i wanted and each time I would say that it was not up to me to make any decisions as it my parents were responsible for that and I would do whatever they said, His mother also stayed in touch with my mother and while earlier she was really eager to make a final decision as soon as possible, now she started make lame excuses about how her son couldn;t come to Pakistan before 6 months, how it was up to the children to come to an understanding etc... Basically, he was too much of a coward to take a stand against him mother, kept giving her his own version of things and wanted me to the one to back out of the whole thing, I did nit give him the chance to let that happen.

      One day, my mother picked me up from my office (this was almost 6 weeks after I had started talking to this other guy) and she seemed upset. I asked her what was the matter and she started yelling at me, again accusing me of betraying her, causing her disgrace and also of remaining in touch with my ex. She said that the interested party had ended thing saying that I had told the guy that I had a lot of other proposals and that I could marry anyone I wanted to. This was a flat out lie, I told my mother that I hadn;t said anything like this but she didnt believe me. I asked her if she had confronted the lady about any one the stuff that her son had said ( I had his text messages as proof) and she said that his mother said that he was only joking!!! So that story ended there, with both my parents convinced that I caused it to end because I was still talking to the other guy.

      Allah is my witness that I didn't do any such thing. I prayed and begged for Allah to make the right decision for me and in my heart I felt so much lightness and relief that this thing ended. Does that make me a terrible person? My mother also said to me that no matter what happened she would never accept my friends proposal for me - he wasn't even in the picture anymore.

      A month after this whole thing ended, I heard back from the university I had applied to and gotten accepted. It was at this time my sister approached me and asked me if i was still talking to my ex. I wasn't - partly because I was ashamed of the way i had treated him and caused insult to his family, She urged me to get in touch with him again, she said if he truly cared for me he'd understand and give me another chance. She also promised to stand by me if he agreed to marriage and help me convince my mother. I agreed to message him. He didn't reply for a few days, but the cakked me himself. He was very upset and hurt. I apologized to him and asked him for another chance, His mother asked to speak to me and asked me if I wanted to marry her son. I told her yes, She then said that she'll support our decision and would be happy to talk to my parents when the time was right. We resumed our talking and how things would work out while I was away for 2 years, Initially, he wanted to get married as soon as possible or at least get engaged before I leave in August, but I convinced him that my parents were still very emotional about the whole episode and we should wait to approach the topic with them again, He's agreed. He has also found a job in Dubai and moved there a week ago to strengthen his financial position.

      He has been understanding and sincere. I might be naive and immature, but I truly believe in my heart that he is the right person for me, He makes me better. I am closer to Allah, he is closer to Allah now, My mother doesn't know and I feel terrible about this. We both want to tell her as soon as possible. My sister (I never saw this coming, so I might be more stupid that I realize) just said to me that she doesnt want to be a part of this conversation! So I am on my own, once again. I'm sorry for all the details but I didn't want to leave anything out, What do you think I should do now?

      Thank you for your response and your time,

      Yours Sincerely,
      MI

      • I have been following your thread since you first posted. You are again in the position in which you found yourself asking advice for originally. You are again in contact with this man with the promise to marry, while your parents are in the dark.

        What happens the next time your mother suggests another potential spouse? The same sequence of events will unfold, with you telling your parents about this man and them feeling betrayed. For a second time.

        How do you know that your parents will agree and that you will not break this man's heart for a second time?

        Believe me, I understand that it's near impossible to let someone go when you are attached to them. However, your mother seems very much set against him, so things don't seem very hopeful for the two of you. You may be fighting a losing battle. Even if his mother or your sister promise to support you, how does that make any difference to how your parents feel about this man?

        It may have been kinder to break things off with this man completely so he isn't left waiting for you and can move on with his life.

        I pray you make good choices and find contentment in them.

        • Dearest Sister

          Thank you so much for your honest feedback. I agree completely with you about being in the same situation for the second time,

          My mother isn't looking for proposals for me anymore; I requested her not to because I will insh'Allah be leaving the country for 2 years so a (long distance - arranged) marriage isn't the best idea right now,

          Secondly, my mother had two main objections to him: his mother's second marriage and his uncertain financial circumstances. I think,being rational Muslims we can agree that the first reason is not entire valid from an Islamic perspective, And Allah willing if his financial circumstances improve in a few months from now, I hope that it would no longer be a concern.

          Is it wrong of me to hope and pray for a favorable outcome for our marriage? I am not asking for anything wrong and I am not meeting him, we have even limited or conversation now, and pray that we can be together. Am I making a terrible choice here?

          • There's nothing wrong with praying for a favourable outcome. What are any of us without hopes, dreams and prayer?

            Objecting on the grounds of this man's mother being a twice married woman is compound ignorance. Parents may have understandable concerns regarding their children's futures but at some point you must let them live their own lives and make their own mistakes, create their own happiness and fulfil their own destinies.

            I am relieved on your behalf that the marriage with the man of your mother's choice did not go ahead. He clearly stated he despised women who wear hijab which is an injunction from Allah Himself. In my mind this puts his faith into serious doubt. One may fall short of being a perfect or even a good Muslim, but to despise those who are trying to lead a Godly life speaks of contempt for Allah's commands.

            I pray there is a happy ending for the two of you.

          • Prayerful sister has got a point.
            I think it would be a good idea to get engaged before going to the US, so you can keep contact with your sweetheart without risking another fight with your mother if she happens to find out accidentally. If your mother objects, you can still point to 1. almost all Mothers of the Believers being widows and 2. That if he fails to get financially stable the engagement can still be annulled, it is not an irrevocable commitment.
            I am not from a Pakistani culture, so I have to ask: does it have to be your mother whose approval is to be gained? As far as I know it is the consent of the womans wali (your father)which is a requirement for an islamically valid marriage, not your mothers.
            On another note, I have doubts whether you handled the situation with the other man well. Calling him a suitor would be an overstatement as he did not seem to have had a real intention marrying you, so let`s call him candidate.
            Have you not betrayed the candidates trust by relaying your whole conversation to your mother when he specifically asked you to keep it between you? Imagine if the two of you would have ended up married due to family pressure – is betraying trust a good start for a marriage? When your mother relayed some points the two of you talked about to the candidates mother - have you not put him in a position where to save face and evade his others anger he had to lie, had to say he was joking, effectively putting the blame for ending the proposal onto you? And would he have had any restraints doing so when it became obvious to him that you did not keep silent as he asked you to, so that way he would also get a little revenge? Have you not been punished for this as the events unfolded first your mother accusing you of sabotage and then your parents thinking that you still maintained contact with your sweetheart? Would it have not been more prudent to take the opportunity offered by him to end it all, make clear to him that you are only pressured by your parents and then agree to a joint strategy to deal with the situation, for example both you and the candidate declaring to your respective parents after two weeks of conversations or so that you and your candidate came to the conclusion that you do not fit together – which actually was the truth?

  10. you know western society hasnt forced anyone to accept there ways.
    we ourself with our own will chose to love them and have made our culture. slowly removing religion from our lifes.
    you destroy a wall of shame and do whatever you like and choose yourself a mate.
    then you have silly quarrel and ask others for advice and others with half hearted knowlege in religion without fear give answers like by them and do not care about Allah and his Prophet.

  11. Asalamulaikum dear sister,
    Firstly, I would just like to say I am also Pakistani and have witnessed many cases of forced/arranged marriages failing...horrifically. Also, with all due respect your parents proposal guy seems like an absolute waste of time.
    Everyone here is saying here how you've done wrong by keeping in contact with the first guy and I don't really see why(as you had the intention of marriage). In addition to this, You have met with the presence of a third party and you have remained chaste. Nevertheless, I would like to congratulate you on being privileged enough to meet a Muslim man with decent morals.
    Our culture in all honesty is backwards causing a lot of our people to be very narrow minded. Unfortunately, it seems your parents fall under this category. I mean there is absolutely nothing wrong with being widowed and getting remarried. Right now, assuming your parents have never met the boy you like you could get him to come to your house in person and leave a good impression then ask for your hand(assuming they've never met him) but genuinely don't hide it from your mother. "A stream cannot sweep one away but the current it becomes can." Basically don't leave it until it becomes to big to handle, and nip it in the bud.
    My mother always said follow your dreams and NEVER let anyone hold you back.

  12. Assalam alaikum Sister MI

    I have just caught up with your post and I am very sorry to hear about the way your mother is treating you. I guessed there was this dominance of ignorant cultural thinking so to speak, with the prejudice against the mother of the man, whom you now wish to marry.

    The headline reads ' Mother forbids marriage to a practising Muslim but insists on a union for her daughter with a shameless being, who openly declares hatred for what Allah has ordained.'

    I'm sorry to put it in such a way but its disheartening to hear about her reactions and blaming you. That no-no proposal as you realised yourself was pathetic and didnt have the nerve to tell his mother the truth about not wanting to marry. Remind your mother you want to marry a man,  not a spineless, dunya loving, time waster.

    Unfortunately you are stuck since you cannot rely on your mother's choice and she is fervent against you marrying your intended spouse. The qualities one looks for in a spouse should first be deen. Wealth and beauty, however nice they are to have, come last.

    To be honest, the choice has to lie with you and no one here can really make that for you. All you are going to get here is from one extreme to the other in terms of opinion, as already above. From the coaxing follow your heart type statements, to, you are sooooo bad etc attitude @afsal Hussain, @noble comments(!) and you will just become more confused.

    By the way, you don't have to reply that you are sorry to everyone whose comment inspires you to do so. You shouldn't feel the need to as your here for advice not sentencing. Continue to make your peace with Allah on anything done  knowingly and unknowingly. Don't worry too much about seeking pardon from faceless comments.

    You have bought some time perhaps with your studying to reason with your parents. There is distance with the other guy as he is in Dubai. From what you have found, he has qualities one would want in a good spouse. Your mother has no basis in her argument against him but what is your father saying about it all?

    The only thing left to do is try to make them understand what are the requirements for a spouse as Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. advised. Your worship of Allah and your happiness come before your mother's pride. My daughters are still children, yet i always make dua that they marry a righteous Muslim Inshaa'Allah and Inshaa'Allah Sister, you will have the same. This is because the duty of care is passed on to the husband from her parents. The parents duty is to teach the child about Allah whilst simultaneously encouraging them to have an objective view and to somewhat question- as we cannot have blind faith nor do we force. Nor should we have societal tick lists in terms of material wealth in place of Islamic values.

    Thus reason with your parents, perhaps arrange for an Imam to speak with them, or someone they hold in high regard who is knowledgeable. Focus on your studies and be patient. No matter what, remain chaste. You have done so thus far and that wasn't done so for nothing.

    May Allah guide you rightly, Ameen.

  13. Crazybull, I think you were very harsh in your response. Why should she have kept the second suitor's conversation a secret from her mother? Firstly, her mother had the right to know anything that could help her decide whether the man was suitable or not. Secondly, his only intention for asking her to keep things secret was to blame her for things not going ahead. As you yourself pointed out, he had no intention of marrying her.

    Her mother blamed her as it is despite knowing what the man was like. Imagine if she had said nothing! It's not an admirable quality to accept responsibility when one is innocent.

    This man had no right to ask her to keep their conversation a secret. He is a suitor and her parents have the right to know whether he is serious about marrying her or not. And she did right by disclosing all.

    I don't know how you can decide that she's been "punished" for telling her mother. What gives any of us the right to say that any hardship that befalls another Muslim is a punishment?

    • Dear Prayerful sister,
      I said that I have doubts about handling the situation, not that I am sure of it. We both sit at computers in other parts, neither you or me can know for sure. Imranm can decide better, I merely gave her questions to consider, and if she answers them with "no" - I am perfectly okay with it. To answer your objections: firstly her mother seemed to be adamant about the candidate being suitable even before the first conversations (for whatever reasons), and secondly I see no evidence of him already having the intention to blame Imranm at the time of the first conversation. As neither me nor you can ask him, we will never know.
      I surely would be angry if someone would relay things I specifically asked to keep quiet about.
      Regarding "punishment" I believe we two have different understandings of the word. I used the word in the sense of suffering as a result for ones action. I am only guessing, but if Imranm would have kept secret as asked her mother may had not accused her of sabotage (for mentioning the scholarship) and the candidate may had not claimed that he was joking when confronted by his own mother with the contents of the conversation (resulting in Imranm blamed again). This was the point I was trying to make.
      Greetings,
      Crazybull


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