Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents refused him my hand but he keeps bothering me; I am extremely stressed.

upset muslim woman, distressed sister

Salam alaikum,
I have been going through a personal crisis, and in my helpless state I have chosen to finally discuss it and ask for advice from someone with knowledge and compassion. I am very very sorry and extremely ashamed to be doing this, and I would request you to please delete this after you read it. I observe the veil- I try to take it seriously, but maybe I made mistakes in my demeanour and mannersism... well I do not know.

I studied at a co education university some 3 years back, and wearing the full veil and limiting interaction with men, I thought I was 'safe' and beyond any likelihood into falling into the traps of Shaytan. But there was this man in my class who used to turn up with notes and materials when I needed them, even though I never used to ask him. He also at times asked for my help with a few projects as I was considered to be a good student and he used to miss classes as he had to travel to his distant hometown often. Anyway, I thought with my dresscode and my general self-restraint in behaviour all was okay. Besides, this man was known in the class for being one of the better behaved and sensible people, and most girls felt he was safe and reliable and mature.
Till one day shortly after graduation he called up and said he wanted to marry me. I could not believe my ears. Anyway I just said I can say and do nothing without my familys consent and only they will decide. I brought the whole thing up with family and they immediately rejected the idea because he happened to be divorced and father of an infant son, and belonged to a village. He wanted to send over his mother to my place as I had said that everything would be through parents and not us directly- but my parents declined it and did not allow the visit.

Anyway I told him it is over as my family has refused.
He began to send me poetry and emotional messages which really irked me and I changed my number. However as you know the internet is there and he kept following me on the internet, googling everything about me- and being an active person in my career field, the internet had quite a bit about me.
For all these years that passed, he has been emailing me almost everyday- extremely sentimental avowals of his feelings. I did not respond except to correct him and remind him of how wrong he was. He would respond saying the whole thing was spiritual and pure and 'for Allahs sake', and there was nothing physical or evil about it as it was my qualities he appreciated and he had every right to want to formalize the relationship through marriage as marriage was the halal way.

Even though I did see the point I remained unresponsive and even at times rude because I can never think of doing anything against my parents wishes. I told him I would never ever do anything against their wishes and he must accept it with patience but he said he trusted Allah and he would never abandon the hope and I was on the wrong. He said the tie was spiritual and divine, and he even claimed he had dream-messages or whatever which told him this was meant to be.

Anyway I kept quiet and quite final in my refusal to entertain his wish. He just said he would wait for me for all eternity, and I thought he was just being dramatic. I said to him it was sinful that he kept thinking about me and that I do not allow him to either communicate with me or think of me in a way Allah does not like. He said he could not help it and the only thing he had was his dreams and no one could take that away from him. I just thought it was sick.
And then one day he wrote saying he could not bear this any longer and that if I did not allow him to think of me, he would dull his senses and get himself into a state of oblivion so that he can never commit this sin and I can be at peace- he said he had started taking drugs. I was horrified and thought alhamdulillah my parents refused this weird man. And did not care about it.
And now he has mailed me a long and very sentimental poem (he always wrote poetry and stuff) at the end of which he has written that he swears he shall take his life as there is no worth and meaning to it, and that he will convince me through his dying that he was true and that I have been cruel. He says He will make Allah his witness that my family and I did zulm on him and made him unable to live hs life; he says he cannot bear it and I shall soon hear the news, and the world will know his story.
I have been utterly shaken by this! I mean, whatever and whoever he is, at least he is a human being, and he has parents and a little son!!!!! And he holds ME and MY PARENTS responsible!!!! What if Allah does not forgive me and my family, as Alah listens to the cry of the one in pain? He swears by Allah that he is in pain. And it is true that where there is no nikah then things get worse, and my parents did refuse the nikah which is the halal way. But I love my parents and I don't want them to be punished in akhirah! I want to talk to him and beg him to stop but I have already stopped all communication with him for Allahs sake and I think if I call him and obviously he willl talk emotionally, may be I will be committing a sin again?
The biggest thing that is killing me is the feeling that maybe Allah is very very very angry with me and this is His punishment. I do not say I am an angel and maybe I have been careless or whatever, but does Allah punish so gravely for our human carlelessness? Wallahi I have prayed astaghfar over this matter many times too... but the fact that it is just going from bad to worse makes me think Allah is most severely angry with me.
I love my parents but they do not want to even hear his mention, ever. And as a human being, I do not want his life to be in vain and wasted in this horrible manner. I fear for my honour and my family's. I am in extreme distress.
And I am so ashamed and humiliated to have to say this. I have always had nothing to do with such disgusting petty stupid matters, by Allah! :'-( But I am driven to the point that I have no way but to tell my horrendous story in this manner. Please advise me; my mind is not in a stable state right now.
Please protect my secret and delete this filthy rubbish soon after reading it.
I am clueless and in great agony :'-(

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5 Responses »

  1. Assalamualikum

    Dear Sister

    You are in right path for not giving the boy any chance coz your parents are disgree to give
    marry with him. One most important thing that you told here that the boy are taking drugs.
    It's horrible for any human being to keep stay with drug.He is now out of sense. Everything
    what he say is not his real word. He has belongs to an addictive mind.Don't respone in his any mail
    whatever he say.It's his life. He will take his decission as well as you have to right to take your own decission. Keep ur namaz regulary & read Quran.Your parents decission is the best decission for you.
    Don't be upset dear sister.


  2. Salam Meow,

    As a parent, and the mother of three daughters...this is what I would say to you if you were my own daughter. Stop ALL and ANY communication with this man. What is going on does not sound healthy at all and to be honest, scares me too. Your parents have said no to his proposal yet he continues to pursue you. Even though you have made it crystal clear to him that you would never go against your parents wishes, he doesn't care. The problem here is, you continue to respond to his emails and such. Don't. What you are doing is to continue to put wood into the fire so, it continues to burn. Quit feeding the fire and it will burn out. I can not stress it not under ANY circumstances respond to him. If you have an email account, block his address. If you have a phone number, change it. As long as you speak with him or text him or email him...he is going to continue.


  3. Assalamualikum

    Dear sister

    I m agree with sister Najah.
    Don't keep any comunication with him.
    I want to give thanx sister Najah for her valuable advice.

    May Allah bless both of u.

  4. Dear Sister in question,
    Unknowingly the brother or the guy is emotionally blackmailing you.
    Allah (swt) knows best but this guy's state of emaan seems very weak.
    Take care of yourself and don't communicate with him.

  5. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister, Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala tests His servants, in order to increase their Imaan. The stronger one's Imaan is, greater will the tests be. So, just take this as a test. And do not worry, because insha Allah, you will have the person Allah has chosen for you to marry you. Just hope from Allah that He gets you married to a practicing Muslim who follows the Sunnah and loves Allah and His Messenger Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam more than anything or anybody in the World. Your parents did right. I have a sister, and she is in the same stage of life as you are, my parents have a similar attitude as yours. So, I understand. Just accept their decision and be pleased with them and with Allah Subhaanah for the Qadr - the good and the bad of it.

    May Allah enable us all to be patient
    Muhammad Waseem

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