Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents want me to marry my cousin… who’s my ex.

Ex-husband, ex-wife, the ex

Asalam u Alaikum!

I am a 24 years old Muslim girl. I belong to a very good and pious family. we all including me offer prayer five times a day and i also observe fast during Ramzan.

When i was 18 years old i started chatting with my cousin. i was sincere to him and i always asked him not to discuss any vulgar thing or anything else but he still keep on chatting like that. we used to have fight on that and due to my inner nafs and shetan i was also attracted towards him but we never met and we were having never any physical contact but this chat was also a burden on me and i used to ask him daily not to chat these things with me etc.

It was all burden on my head and my guilt was killing me. After that my cousin started to have chat and phone calls with other girls in order to fulfill his desire and he used to tell me that he talks to other girls on these issues because i don't chat with him and all that. But i was happy in that because he was not now forcing me to discuss all that. But even then i was feeling myself away from Allah and i could not sleep whole night because of my past mistakes. I wish i would not have discussed even, i would have been pious today.

But after 6 years i finally decided to breakup with him. I started to talk another person who is very nice, he is really pious person. He has never drawn me away from Allah, in fact he brings me closer to Allah and Islamic rules. He has never asked me to meet and chat anything vulgar. He takes great care of my and my parents' respect. I have asked for forgiveness so many times to my Allah and i do offer prayer five times to bring myself near to Allah and vanish all those bad reflections from my  mind. May Allah forgive me !

But unfortunately my cousin wants to marry me now and he has still same habits, he is not good person but though he is my cousin so my family wants me to marry him. Kindly help me that what should i do? I know its all punishment of my sins which i have done in past but i want to marry a good human being and a good Muslim and that another person is out of my caste but he is very pious man, very nice human being. Please give me advice!


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5 Responses »

  1. you are saying you are a good person and he is a bad person but Islam does nt allow us to have chats with non mehram? so how can you say you are a good person and he is bad ; you both were doing the same thing. the only difference between you and him that you did nt involve in intimate conversation? i guess.
    how can be you so sure that your cousin used to have intimate chat with other girls may be he was lying to you.

    there is no issue you can simply reject the proposal.

    now the 2nd person whom you are talking about is he willing to send proposal at home or not? if he is so caring, religious he must send his parents to your home at least to let them know that you both want to marry if he is not established yet. i suggest you to be careful and ask him about marriage in a serious manner otherwise cut off contact with him he is wasting your time

  2. Sister,

    Simply tell your parents that you aren't interested in marrying your cousin.


    • Salam,

      I agree with sister Najah, you need to tell your parents that you have had chats with your cousin and have your doubts as to his character. It may be that he is lying to you to puff himself up and seem cool to himself. Or maybe he is talking to other girls. Tell tour parents you are not looking to marry just any boy, but that you want to marry a very pious boy who will make you a better person as well. This will inshAllah impress them and make them respect your decision.

      Salam and Best regards,

  3. Hello sister, I think you have misunderstood few concepts of Islam and piety. Establish 5 times and salah and ramadhan fasting are not only the yardsticks of piousness. The most important sign of piety is to stay away from sins.

    Be it a pious man or not, having any sort of pre-marriage relationship is haram sister. I dont think its correct to call him a bad person. In an angle, if you could look at yourself, even you had engaged in another relationship after breaking up with him. I would have agreed calling him so if you wouldnt have fallen to another relationship. Hence sister, lets stop calling ourselves as good and pious people first (including me). Do you know sister what Hazrath Fathima(r.a) replies when someone asked "when I can confirm that I am good muslim"? Fathima (r.a) said "When you realise you are the worst, you are good and when you realise you are the good, you are the worst" These are the attributes of piety along with respecting fellow muslims, not taunting and under estimating sinner, not being proud of ourselves, always feeling sinful, listening to the juniors and respecting elders, avoiding talking anything about the others, feeling happy on others joy etc

    However sister, first you should repent for the sin you did and doing. Then you should speak to your ex once again before talking any decision. You may speak to him and understand who he is now and dont judge him out if past experience. I suggest speaking to him once could be better than choosing new blindly bcs initial day of relationship, nobody look bad sister, even the worst will pretend to pious and behave as per your likes and only they will unveil their character after you being fell in love with him deeply. Then they will find themselves safe and they will bring out their hidden agendas. I am talking about general mentality of boys not particular about him. If really find your ex bad, then you can try to convince by saying you dont love him anymore and you never will be happy with him. You may make him abandon the marriage instead of you saying no and hurting your parents, If he is arrogant, ofcourse you can speak to your mom or dad veil up the matter and explain why you dont feel safe with him. However, you are never suggested go away with anyone by avoiding and neglecting your parents.

    Sister, sorry for the advises and poor english. I am a student of islamic knowledge and I think you are good enough understand usage of rough words in the beginning. Pray for me and feel free to reply on any further info.

  4. Don't marry the cousin, that sounds like a bad marriage. Just say no to drugs, and also the marriage with this cousin.

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