Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My parents will be upset if I don’t consider this unsuitable proposal


Assalamu alaikum,

Please guide and advise me, I am in need of guidance.

I am 26 years old and ready for marriage. I was sent a proposal when I was 22. The man is a decent, practicing Muslim from a great well-educated family. The only "problem" with him is that he is from a different ethnicity. We are from the same country, just from two different cities and that is the reason my parents didn’t approve of him. I prayed Istikhara several times and prayed to Allah to remove this man from my life is Allah hasn’t written a future for us. Four years have gone by and the brother has sent his proposal around five times!

On the other hand, I got a proposal months ago from a man from the same culture as ours. He is well-educated too and has memorized the Quran in his teens masha Allah. I was pretty impressed by him so I decided to look into this proposal. I checked his social media first because it’s all public and I found out that he follows several indecent adult pages. This quickly put me off because he isn’t even ashamed of the fact that the entire world can see the stuff he is into but simply doesn’t care. I also found him to be very childish, from his social media. Anyhow, I still prayed Istikhara for this proposal but my heart simply isn’t content with it.

The problem is that both of my parents are pretty impressed by him. Unfortunately, both my father and mother--in fact most of my family--are pretty materialistic and racist. My entire family wants me to reject the first proposal solely because they are from a different culture and accept this second proposal because he earns a lot and is of the same culture. But my Istikharas and what I found out about him are guiding me otherwise. So rejecting this proposal and choosing the first one means upsetting both my parents. But am I wrong for choosing what’s right even if upsets my parents who are looking for the wrong things?

I have tried convincing them, tried to show them chats and answers from muftis and Islamic scholars too. They are very stubborn and they say that they will be upset with me if I choose the first proposal over the second one but they will look into the first one just for me. Basically blackmailing me until I choose what they choose for me. What am I supposed to do? Go ahead with the proposal of my choice even if it upsets them? Will Allah forgive me for this? Please please help.


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7 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister if I was you i would reject the sec proposal because you have found out few things before the marriage and has you have wrote that he is not ashamed of it so better to reject know rather then suffering rest of your life your parents will be angry and upset but within few months they will understand it’s better to do it know rather then you suffer and your kids suffer if you can’t see your future with him has you know few things about him rather then doing later reject know

  2. Strictly, tell and show them his social media page how he is. Most parents think that after a marriage guys will stop all those indecent things. This guys is immature and watches adult content which is a big turn off. Save yourself and don’t be shy to prove to your parents. Show evidence.

  3. Sister, choose the first man and let your parents be upset if they choose to feel that way. When you get married, YOU are the one who must live with the man. Not for a few days or a few months, but years and decades. The rest of your life. If you go with someone you do not like or respect, you will be deeply unhappy all your life. Just look at some of the posts on this website. It's a very common situation. Some of those women are so miserable they are suicidal.

    If you marry the first man, your parents might be upset for a while, but they'll get over it, especially when the grandchildren come, inshaAllah. The sight of a grandbaby tends to soothe any resentments.

    Your istikhara gave you the answer. Follow it.

    Wael Editor

  4. Asalamaualaykum,

    I agree with the others. Your feelings are a bit too enmeshed with your parents feelings, and breaking away from that is part of independence from your parents, which most parents are reluctant to face. Only through going with your heart and your own mind will you see that your parents will still accept you as a daughter and will recover just fine. Because Inshallah they will.



    • I am already married to someone because of my mum now I want to quit because I never love the guy but I can't ,my MoMA is no moreand I am left all alone ,I don't know what to and how to go with this ,the marriage is closer to 1yr now I still can't feel anything for him,what do I do

  5. Salam,

    You need to do what's right for you and what you can handle. I see people doing this in forums here where they will say yes to a marriage to appease the parents and then request a divorce later as if they did their part in putting in the time so now it's time to move on. You will be sleeping next to your husband, having kids and raising a family, it cannot be about just appeasing your parents.

    Your parents aren't being evil towards you it's just they want the best for you but that best is based on their values which you do not share. So if you're not materialistic and value religion more you need to tell them that you're going to disagree. You also need to tell them that you won't be able to run a marriage where you're unhappy with the proposal since the first day. Then just say no to the guy you don't want to be with and marry the one you want.

    • I am already married to someone because of my mum now I want to quit because I never love the guy but I can't ,my MoMA is no moreand I am left all alone ,I don't know what to and how to go with this ,the marriage is closer to 1yr now I still can't feel anything for him,what do I do

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