My past is affecting my future and is making husband over protective
Assalaam, I was sexually abused by my father from the age of 8-17yrs. By 18 I had enough strength to put an end to all the form of abuse. I was in contact with my neighbour who was a childhood friend. We grew really close, just over the phone may I add, as I was never allowed out. I confided in him before my family knew. I finally had enough of the emotional abuse by now & my family blaming me for having an attitude, thats when I told them the truth to why dad hated me now, & why I wad constantly threatend by him. anyway, I ended up marrying my neighbour.
He knows everything about my past and we've been married 2years and have a little baby. Everytime we argue he bring up my past. He's very controlling and when I answer him back he tells me he's not my dad. & I shouldn't be taking it out on him. I'm over my past but I think its affected him more than its affected me. As I'm happy I'm out of the life I had its my iman that helped me try get over it.
I just don't know how to control the situation when we argue he drags my past into it. I get very defensive or just unintentionally blank out. Then he feels like I'm ignoring him.
He doesnt want me going to my mothers house if my brother in laws there. I hardly talk around him. I don't even give him eye contact. But my sister and her husband are always at my mums. I feel like im taken away from my family because of his over protectiveness. Please help.
Wasalaaam.
-umamelia
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Assalamu alaykum Umamelia,
You "confided" in a non Mahram and now you are paying it's price. You "grew" close without nikah and then you "ended" up marrying that man.
Don't worry. Trust Allah. Repent for past.
Be kind and speak with him in good language without getting defensive or offensive.
Islam does not forbid family life in modesty, so he should not ban your entry in to your home.
Whatsoever troubles your heart, speak to him clearly about it.
Read the Qur'an with meanings. Try to read it with him along side or you may alternately read for one another.
Overprotectiveness after a limit causes annoyance, so let him know of it in kindness.
Insha Allah, the Qur'an being read to each other will act as a mirror and healing for your hearts and will show a way of conduct.
Keep repeating Surah Hujurat with meanings from time to time, Insha Allah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Brother Muniib has given you excellent advice. Basically just talk to him and tell him how you feel and I'm pretty sure he should listen. Sister I think his over protectiveness comes from the fact that he loves you alot and since you've through alot already he just wishes to protect you from further harm.
Salaam sister, I am sorry to hear about what happened and about your husbands behaviour. I think it was a mistake for you to reveal everything to him, however its done, so repent for tha close relationship InshaAllah. But you are of course not at fault for what your father did.
It is not fair of your husband to deny you the right to see your family. I am not sure if he is concerned for you well being or if he is just plain controlling. But your family have rights over you. The only advice I can think of is speak to him kindly and remind him that your family have rights over you. If he is worried about you being around brother in laws, reassure him that your sisters and family are around. If he is still concerned then maybe he will feel better coming with you or invite them to see you. Make sure you keep in touch with family via phone calls as well and let them know you care.
It is no wonder you black out when he drags up the past, this is really unfair of him to do so. Next time he does this and compains you are ignoring him, just explain that its something you do not want to be constantly reminded of. It is in the past, and you were innocent in all of this.Be honest, and open your heart, ask him not to bring it up again as its hurtful and thats why you blank out. InshaAllah if he cares he will try to stop. Alternatively consider marriage counselling if he is willing.
I pray that Allah swt helps you overcome these obstacles.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaams Sister
I'm so sorry for the abuse which you've been through with your father. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You probably needed somebody to speak to and you confided in your neighbour. Your life must have been in turmoil and you shared all your feelings with your husband.
Sister now, your husband does not have any right to use this against you in any way or to hurt your feelings. Please speak to him about this. I would advise you not to keep quiet as this behaviour may still continue. Tell him that this was my past and I need you to help me forget this. It doesn't seem that your past has affected him, he's probably just using your past to his advantage: as a way of mocking you when your'll have disagreements. You should be straight forward with him. Tell him to leave the past in the past. He should be understanding. He should realize that what you've been through isn't easy for you to deal with.
Regarding visits to your parents house-It does seem like your husband is being protectice? Is your dad around when you want to visit? Did you ask your husband the reason for not allowing you to visit your family? Encourage your husband to be with you when you go to them. Explain to your husband that you can't simply cut-off family ties. Explain to him about trust and how important it is in a relationship.
Sister a "good talk" with your husband is what your'll need right now
Rumaysa
I'm not too knowledgable in Islam but I am seeking to change this. I believe I read someone where, maybe if you google it- but in islam
a couple should not argue over previously discussed situations and arguments. I'm sure i read it somewhere but I can't help you on where i found it. But regardless, I hope you all the best and I will pray for you.
Salaam
your muslim brother
Aasim
Asalaam, thank u soo much 4 ur views & input. Just 2 answer a few of your questions, no my father is no longer around & hasnt been 4 the last 5years. my husband doesnt feel comfortable around my family as ther are language barriers, & when he does come with me its always a quick 20-30mins visits.
I try & go round every saturday & he doesnt mind me spending the whole day ther but as long as theres no brother in law.
Sometimes he'll wake up in the mornings in a bad mood a when I ask him wats rong he replies, I dreamed of ur father last night. Theres nothing I can do 2 stop him from thinking about him.
My husband has been recently talking 2 his doctor & his doctor thinks he's showing signs of someone that suffers from aspergers syndrome, hes asked him 2 seek councelling so insha allah that will help.
Please make dua that his mind tries 2 forget about him & turns more 2 the deen & concentrats on this family he has.