Should I reveal my past to my husband to be?
I am going to marry this guy with the will of my family later this year inshAllah!! He is a really nice guy and I like him too.
I am confused if I should tell him about my past?? Since it aint the one I am proud of. I was physically involved with a guy but then I seriously repented and asked Allah for forgiveness!!
I am alhamdulillah a very practicing muslim now. But Islamically speaking, do I need to tell that to my future husband??
Since I read somewhere that we are not supposed to go out and tell about our sins to other people for it is something between Allah and and us!!
I want to know what islam says about that!! I'll be very thankful for the reply!!
-amena
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Salaam sister Amena.
You should not tell your husband about any of your past. You are right. It is between you and Allah swt.. As long as you repented sincerely and changed then InshaAllah Allah will remove your sin and cover it. To remove this covering when Allah has hidden it is a big sin!
So do not feel guilty about not telling your fiancee. It is between you and Allah and Allah swt of course has more of a right over you than your fiancee. Telling him this will also cause him unecessary pain and problems. Some things are best not known.
“All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/boasting-about-sins/ I appreciate you are not boasting - but this discussed revealing sins to others from islamic perspective.
One point though sister, if you have committed zina or there is any risk you may have an STI or any infection which can be transmitted through relations then I strongly recommend you get tested before you marry for obvious reasons.
May Allah swt bless your marriage and let you both grow together in love and deen.
Ameen
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
x
Assalamu alaykum Sister Amena,
Telling past has broken countless relationships and broken trust between couples. You may find evidence of it from many such problems posted on this website.
Guys ask first or guys and girls share past and then it troubles them.
So best is to conceal what Allah has concealed, by His wiil, Alhamdulillaah.
Never tell past, if a person asks, tell them, this is me right now, I am what I am right now and not what I was in the moment before. If you agree to accept me, you are "welcome" if not, then "don't come".
Keep it simple. Keep quite and pray to Allah for all good to come your way.
Salaam,
Your brother.
assalamu alaykum yes we should not go out and tell about your sis but you should not deceive people aswell my dear..... if you committed zina (sex) then your husband to be has the right to know because he think he is marrying a virgin and your not one evantually when you guys have sex for the first time he will enter you and come to know that your not a virgin this might cause alot of problems the fact him thinking about it cant accept it and he will feel betrayed because you have deceived him who knows he cud divorce you this is not good for both of your reputations........but your husband has the right to know its nobody elses bussiness....
if with other it was a kiss or hug or touch you had with other guys he need not to know but if its sex he has the right and like the sister said you need to go to be tested for infections.... zina is a major sin and the punishment is severe yes you can ask forgiveness from Allah but you still have to be lashed and thank GOD for his mercy these days most people dont perform this custom anymore.... please do not decceive the man .... its like you actually ugly but you put on make up to beautify yourself then the guy think ahhh i want her after marriage he wakes up the next day finds you without make up screams sees your ugly and later he might divorce cause you deceived him or he might regret marrying you and marry a second wife.....
Assalamu alaykum Sister Haniya,
Do you think the Prophet and sahabas would go on asking their prospective wives of their being virgin or not?
Why have we made such a big issue of it. If a Muslima is a virgin, Alhamdulillah and if not, and she has repented to Allah for her mistake, still Alhamdulillaah for guiding her back to Islam.
We should never reject a girl or divorce because of knowing that she did something in the past. Past is past, you have her in present and she is good, she is the best she could be.
Hymen breaks due to cycling, swimming etc and hence it is not necessary it is only due to sex. What about those girls to whom it happened while cycling or swimming and they are still virgins?
And why these double standards?
Kisses and hugs are okay? And virginity is not okay? What if every part of the body has been exposed to and used for zina except the private part? Is that okay?
Sister, people do mistakes in ignorance and in knowledge when Shaytaan is heavy on their mind. If they repent to Allah, they should be quite about it.
What if the guy is not a virgin? What if he had haraam relations in the past?
What we ought to realize is past is past. Gone is gone. We are what we are at the moment. If it is acceptable to both parties they should move on for marriage and if they want to "dig" the past and ruin the present on that basis, it is still their choice.
We should turn to Allah and seek refuge in Shaytaan, Insha Allah. Save ourselves from wickedness and ward off evil, Insha Allah.
If a person knows that he would be unable to make his wife satisfied and has defects in his body and still lies to her and hides from her these facts, then it can be called deception.
If a person has girl friends and says he is a pious Muslim and marries a woman, it can be called deception.
But if he did something in his past, is a very good person now and shows current goodness to a woman and she marries him on his goodness, can it be called deception?
We have to leave our matters to Allah.
And why should a man ask a woman of her past? What will he get if the past has blots? Will he be able to remove them? What if the past is clean? Will he be able to put a blot on it?
Gone is gone. We have the present and should focus on making it work out for the good in dunya and good in aakhirah. Insha Allah.
Hope you understand what we mean here by asking her to "conceal" what has happened.
Salaam,
Your brother.
look what you saying is something completely different..... zina adultery is a major act haraam.... its not about telling him about her past or telling her sins its about telling what is there her not being a virgin is not the past it is the present you cant have aids and then not tell your hubby to be about it he needs to know coz it concerns him even though you got the virus in the past and through your sin..... he needs to know its better then to find out after he sleeps with you!
ASA!
Brother very well said! the past is the past!! Men are always worried about how many men girls have slept with but they themselves are not virgins! and it should not matter if you are or are not a virgin, after all he is marrying her because of "love" not because she is or not a virgin! This sister has said she is very sorry for her past, and that is up to Allah to judge and forgive, not her fiancee or us...
And as for this sister, if she did have any intercourse in the past, well, her future husband will find out. It is at that time that she must come clean because he will ask. But i feel she should not tell unless he asks...
Haniyyya,
You really do have a way with your words, don't you.
Firstly, 'no', the sister does not have to be lashed. Allah promises to forgive the one who sincerely repents and He(swt) also warns us against revealing our sins to others. If Allah has covered her honour till now, the sister should have trust in Him(swt) that He(swt) will also do the same after her marriage.
Secondly, your comparison of this situation to a husband thinking his wife is beautiful and then 'ugly' when her make up comes off is completely insensitive and innappropriate.
This young sister is sincerely remorseful and is trying to move forward in her life. The last thing she needs to hear is such nonsense.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
One more thing: Sister, get your medical tests done to check for STD's. If God forbid, you are carrying a virus or anything that can be contracted, then of course you need to make any future husband aware of this. If he comes to learn of your past through this, there is nothing you can do about this and will have to deal with outcome.
If inshaAllah your test results are clear, then you do not need to tell your future husband anything to suggest that you had a past. Instead, just be grateful that Allah protected you and accept Allah's gift of Mercy on you by striving to be a better Muslimah and by keeping your secret between you and Allah only.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Very interesting replies ...
I agree with sister haniyyya 100% and disagree with all other answers.
First let me address brother munib post ....
Brother munib , I have seen several of your post on this site and most of the time you are a quoting quranic verses . It seems to me that you follow quran very strictly which is a good thing ,but it really amuses me that you don't quote any quranic verses regarding the issue of zina . You said that virginity is not a big thing . Wow .... This is more like a non-muslim talking . Most of my friends which are non-muslims talk like that . Nobody is going to check whether a woman bleeds or not . She must be a virgin before marriage whether her hymen is broken or not . This also goes for the males . They must also be virgin just like females .
Moreover, the Qur'an considers premarital sex as one of the major sins besides polytheism and murder
"And they who do not call upon another god with Allah and do not slay the soul, which Allah has forbidden except in the requirements of justice, and (who) do not commit fornication and he who does this shall find a requital of sin. The punishment shall be doubled to him on the day of resurrection, and he shall abide therein in abasement."
—Qur'an, [Qur'an 25:68]
"The woman and the man guilty of fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment"
—Qur'an, [Qur'an 24:2
And I assume that you all know the verse which states that a fornicator woman must marry a fornicator man and vice versa and a chaste woman should marry a chaste man .
If your husband himself committed sins then he has no right to ask for a virgin but if he is a virgin then he should marry a virgin
The comment below is not directed to the questioner and is general
P.S I don't really know why people are so afraid to tell their future spouse about their past . Why weren't they afraid when committing zina. Didn't they know the future consequences of committing zina .
It really makes me sad that there is no Islamic government which enforces the islamic punishment ... in this case flogging 100 times, that's the reason why fornication and adultery is so rampant in muslims now . I don't really care what people think but If Allah has ordered flogging then who are we to ignore it . People think that flogging and stoning to death is against human rights and doesn't apply in this modern era. Well , guess what . Allah's laws are for all times and they don't change . What has been said , has been said and muslims must follow it whether they like it or not .
Do whatever you like sisters and brothers . I have presented facts . Now it is up to you to follow it or not . Nobody will force you and it is your own free will which will decide .
Assalamu alaykum Soul,
Thank you for keeping note of my replies. Alhamdulillaah, each day I know of more people following my posts and reading the verses of the Blessed Qur'an in them as well.
You quoted verses from Surah An Nuur of 100 lashes for an adultery. But did you read regarding witnesses which follow these verses?
If there was no one to witness a girl's act, it is between her and Allah. Wa huwa alaa qulli shay in shaheed - And Allah is a witness to all things.
Soul, you may have done "sins" in life, as you are a human and no one other person knows it except you. Do you not do astagfaar for it and turn to Allah in repentance?
As Muslims we have to remember Aakhirah, we have to remember that even if we escape the worldly punishments, the Greater Punishment is yet awaiting the wrong doers. So better is to turn in repentance and seek forgiveness from the Punishment of Fire.
The verses you quoted here are Subhaan Allah very nice, but if you Insha Allah look a couple of verses later from verse 67 of Surah 25, Al Furqaan, you will Insha Allah see:
68. And those who cry not unto any other god along with Allah, nor take the life which Allah hath forbidden save in (course of) justice, nor commit adultery and whoso doeth this shall pay the penalty;
69. The doom will be doubled for him on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein disdained for ever;
70.Except him who repenteth and believeth and doth righteous work; as for such, Allah will change their evil deeds to good deeds. Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
71. And whosoever repenteth and doeth good, he verily repenteth toward Allah with true repentance.- Surah Al Furqaan.
Allah forbid, you just quoted "half" part of which sins to avoid and forgot to quote the part of what happens to those who do have committed those sins?
I hope when you read the above verses, you will realize that a Muslima or Muslima may have done zina, but if they turn to Allah in repentance, do righteous deeds, Allah will change their evil deeds in to good deeds and He is the forgiving and the Merciful and that repentance is a true repentance after which their hearts should no longer have love for what they did in the past of those sins and they should restrain their souls from committing them. I hope this helps. Insha Allah.
See the beauty of the Qur'an wheresoever Allah mentions war, He mentions peace as well, wheresoever Allah mentions evil, He mentions good as well, wheresoever Allah mentions revenge, He mentions forgiveness, wheresoever Allah mentions Hell He mentions Gardens of Jannah as well at many instances in the Qur'an.
Hence, when you study the Qur'an, you will know that forgiving is an Islamic virtue. Not only Allah says He forgives those who turn to Him, but He also wants us to be forgiving:
22. And let not those of you who possess wealth and abundance swear against giving to the near of kin and the poor and those who have had to emigrate for Allah’s sake. They should forgive and forebear. Do you not love that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving, Merciful. - Surah An Nuur.
The above is just an example of high morals on which Islam is based upon.
And lose virginity without marriage, having done zina, is not even a crime against another person, it is against our own souls. So why not be forgiving?
I did not say anywhere in my post to marry a girl who is not virgin. This is what non Muslims say.
Something missed your eye Soul, I said:
Do you think the Prophet and sahabas would go on asking their prospective wives of their being virgin or not?
Why have we made such a big issue of it. If a Muslima is a virgin, Alhamdulillah and if not, and she has repented to Allah for her mistake, still Alhamdulillaah (Allah Praise be to Allah) for guiding her back to Islam.
We should never reject a girl or divorce because of knowing that she did something in the past. Past is past, you have her in present and she is good, she is the best she could be.
I said why have we made it a big issue? If a Muslima is a virgin, it is nice, good for her own soul that she kept herself chaste and obeyed Allah, Insha Allah, an easy reckoning for her on Qiyamah. But if a Muslima is not a virgin, she "repented" to Allah, then I said, still, All Praise be to Allah for guiding her back to Islam.
What is wrong in this? This is what the verses of Surah Furqaan say, but unfortunately you copy pasted only the verse from inbetween which could suit your point.
Insha Allah, I hope your mind will open up to "Islamic outlook" which is Fundamentalist yet more wide than all of modern thinkers put together. It is not vulgar, it is not cheap, it is based on "Sublime morals".
I am also aware of the verses of Surah An Nuur:
26. Vile women are for vile men, and vile men for vile women. Good women are for good men, and good men for good women; such are innocent of that which people say: For them is pardon and a bountiful provision.
This verse deals with the accusations laid against innocent people as you can see in verses before this:
23. Lo! as for those who traduce virtuous, believing women (who are) careless, cursed are they in the world and the Hereafter. Theirs will be an awful doom
24. On the day when their tongues and their hands and their feet testify against them as to what they used to do,
25. On that day Allah will pay them their just due, and they will know that Allah, He is the Manifest Truth.
Allah protects the "izzat" of good women who are accused falsely and he says that the good are for the good, they are unaffected by what people say in "carelessness".
I would be doing great wrong if I would say no for marriage to a Muslima who had haraam relations in past and has repented to Allah truly.
Why should anyone of us reject her? Do we not want Allah to accept us after our repeated mistakes? Do we not want Allah to give us Jannah even after knowing we sinned? Do we not want Allah to forgive us for our past sins and accept our good works?
If we want Allah to do all this for us, how can we turn away a person who is just like us, asking Allah for forgiveness?
Would we like if Allah would condemn us and forsake us or reject our works us because we did "great sins" in the past?
No, we want Him to forgive. How then can we be so hard hearted?
How can we then keep such double standards?
We have to be forgiving. And if our prospective spouse did zina in past, repented to Allah, does righteous deeds now and is a good Muslim, what is the problem then?
All I want our youth to do is to reflect on the Qur'an and not just cram up tafsis and interpretations of scholars. Think for yourself, what Islam has in store for you, for your life, for your people. Use it to the best of your ability. Most importantly, do "taffakur", pondering upon the Qur'an.
I hope this helps.
If a person has decided, I will marry a virgin only, it is his "narrow mindedness". Rather he should say : Insha Allah, I will marry a good Muslima. Whether she is virgin or not. Who could be more clear of heart than one who has truly repented to Allah?
People share details of past and ask each other of the past and if not answered, force each other or compel each other to answer. When they know : O ! My wife had sex with two guys in her university days. O ! My wife had three lovers in high school, I doubt she may have slept with someone. O ! My wife told me when I asked her if she was virgin or not that she had a lover before we married and she had slept with him. I doubt her. I doubt if she does it again.
These people keep on doubting, being suspicious, their hearts break, they feel jealous, and YES, they say I feel " betrayed". What betrayed??? When you had not even known and married that girl, how can you say she "betrayed" you. She would betray if she had cheated after marriage. But no, people ruin their present relationships due to the past.
May Allah forgive and guide all Muslims. We have to do what Allah commands, abstain from what He forbids and try to be as good Muslims as we can, and we can go miles ahead in goodness, insha Allah. All we need is to stop making " big issues" of insignificant matters and giving insignificance to mattes that are "grave", really "serious". It is our Aakhirah, let every soul look up to what it sends before as a provision for itself and as Allah says, the best provision is to ward off evil.
197. The pilgrimage is (in) the well known months, and whoever is minded to perform the pilgrimage therein (let him remember that) there is (to be) no lewdness nor abuse nor angry conversation on the pilgrimage. And whatsoever good ye do Allah knoweth it. So make provision for yourselves (here after); for the best provision is to ward off evil. Therefore keep your duty unto Me, O men of understanding. - Surah Al Baqarah.
Salaam,
Your brother.
You quoted verses from Surah An Nuur of 100 lashes for an adultery. But did you read regarding witnesses which follow these verses?
If the fornicator himself/herself acknowledged that he/she committed fornication then why do you need 4 witness . If the person accused himself/herself accepts that he/she is guilty then why do you need to prove via 4 witness .... Common sense , isn't it .
Brother munib you have forgotten this verse
"The woman and the man guilty of fornication - flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment"
—Qur'an, [Qur'an 24:2
I hope you can see the (Let not compassion move you in their case ) part .
Do you still wanna argue on that .
Brother munib ....There are things which may not be acceptable to you but it may be acceptable to me and vice versa .
If you can accept a fornicator then good for you . But for me it is a big NO NO
Lets respect each others decisions and close this argument .
Think all of you need some biology classes - there is no foolproof way to find out if someone is a virgin or not.
The hymen can break because of various reasons other than intercourse - so stop scaring the woman and saying that her husband will find out. She already is sorry for what has happened and her retribution is between God and herself - who are all of you to speak of God's intent? Did you have a conversation with Allah about this and get his opinion?
Also it is true that most men have done it before marriage and so it is alright if she keeps it within herself - it takes a lot of tolerance and empathy especially for people of eastern cultures to accept that they are not the first person to experience the physical and emotional connection of sex with their spouse.
Lastly from her story it doesnt look like she was promiscous - people fall in love and physical/emotional unions often happen because of this. The role of marriage is to ensure that people take the committment seriously and the societal/cultural/legal sanctions around this help to reinforce the committment. That said - if someone is judging you because you crossed the bridge before signing a piece of paper saying it is legally, socially acceptable, then you have bigger issues to think of.
Marriage should be based on a lot more than just an unbroken piece of tissue and if the man doesnt understand this then you might want to think of whether he has his priorities right in the first place. It is important to focus on the fact that by agreeing to marriage you are committing to a new start and hence should be doing so for the right reasons.
Assalamu alaykum Sister Saniya,
Not all need biological classes, you should read all posts first and then include "all" in that class of biology.
No one is trying to bring anyone else down here, just have a closer look to other people's replies and you will know that the points you mentioned have been reflected by other people as well
Salaam,
Your brother.
Marriage should be based on a lot more than just an unbroken piece of tissue and if the man doesnt understand this then you might want to think of whether he has his priorities right in the first place. It is important to focus on the fact that by agreeing to marriage you are committing to a new start and hence should be doing so for the right reasons.
I don't know why you wrote that . Nobody is checking whether the girls hymen is broken or not . All that I am emphasizing is on the great sin zina . I am emphasizing on the SIN not A PIECE OF TISSUE .
And most people over here know that hymen can be broken by other activities not just by sex . I assume that most of the people over here are educated .
Please re-read the comments over here
Salaams Amena
It is between you and Allah I pray inshallah for you this works out for you keep praying to Allah and ask Allah only Allah will continue to be with you and only Allah knows you are truly sorry. You deserve a second chance like everyone else no one knows everything from the first time around live and learn, forgive and forget, past is past look to present sister remember that. Brother Muniib has given beautiful response to this and I strongly agree to.
Secondly I don’t agree with haniyyya or soul comments as they don’t help this sisters reply. Remember people come on this website for guidance, comfort, direction and assistant to see a light in there troubling issues. Allah doesn’t like people who have nothing nice to say to people who need that. Islam teaches people to have respect so please think about what you are say, you may be stating the facts but please re-consider for the person in question wanting a helping hand.
w/salaams
Dear Amena,
First of all, congratulations to you on finding your partner. Personally, I feel that if my partner had a past and he tell me about it, I would be very appreciative. It tells me that he is honest and he would rather I hear it from him than someone else. But that if for me. I'm not sure how it is in your situation. Do you want to tell him? Do you think it will affect your relationship greatly if he finds out from someone else. If yes, then you should. If he accepts it and moves on with you then it is fated by HIM. If not then he might not be the one. But know this, other people do not have the right to know. This is your past and they do not have the right to pry into your life.
Brothers and sisters..this is a very serious issue. When it comes to virginity, if a man or woman has lost it before marriage, I think you should reveal it to your potential spouse for various reasons:
1) He or she may discover the fact later in married life, and this kind of deception will very likely lead to a divorce. You need to make sure he knows this and ACCEPTS you as you are BEFORE you get married. If you don't tell him then you must be sure this fact NEVER comes out in the future, but no one can control the future. Remember, shaytaan always puts suspicions in a mans mind about these things, so you can hope he wont ask. But if he does and you dont give him a convincing answer, things may go awry.
A lot of you assume that most men are non-virgin. But what about those who have made the effort to keep themselves clean and new for their wives? Do they not deserve to know? How would they feel knowing that their efforts were wasted.
Depending on his mentality, it may be VERY DIFFICULT for him to accept later that his wife was so intimate with another man. It not a matter of forgiveness. It can literally make his blood boil. Its a matter of human psychology. This is not only male psychology, but applies to many women as well. So I feel your man should know. It only fair.
If you REALLY like him and he REALLY likes you, he will accept you as you are and UNDERSTAND that to ALLAH you are a virgin. If you do this you must also be prepared to make the extra effort in your marriage make him feel he is better and worthier than anyone you have ever been with before.
2) STD are prevalent nowadays and you may endanger an innocent person with terminal illnesses
3) This level of honesty on your part may lead him to respect you even more.
Remember, only a potential spouse needs to know. No one else!
Asalamoalaikim abc,
Although your rationale makes sense, it has been commanded by Allah swt that we conceal our sins.
It was narrated that Saalim ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: I heard Abu Hurayrah say: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)
But of course I completely understand your argument that one who has protected themselves till marriage would at least want someone along similar lines to them. In this case I suggest to those who have committed zina to steer away from potential prospects that they can sense place a high value on a woman’s chastity.
In regards to being exposed in front of the world, this is entirely up to Allah swt. If He wills it to be this way then it will happen regardless and if He does not, it never will. Allah swt has a plan for us all so if Allah forbids it does happen, then there is surely a path He has made for that person. Based on this fear, we cannot just reveal our past sins. We must place our faith in Him, sincerely repent from it and never walk that path again.
-Helping Sister
Another important point I forgot to add is that it is extremely important for those who have engaged in zina to get an STD test done so that they do not pass any infection to their spouse in ignorance. It is one’s duty to fulfil this obligation so abc has raised a good point: please get yourself checked if you have engaged in any haram sexual activity (even though the person may claim that they are STD free).
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum abc,
Everything sounds good. Just see how it would be when put in practice?
If a a girl tells a guy about her past and he does not agree for marriage proposal, do you think he would be able to limit it to himself?
There are many today who run to mom to tell things, who are not able to keep anything to themselves, should a person go on telling people about a sin when Allah has concealed it?
People hardly seem to understand repentance, they just like to make issues out of everything.
Salaam.
Your brother.
Salaam Sister,
I am experiencing this pain, my wife had spent some years in jahiliya but now she is a good practicing muslim and a good wife.
i found out about this after the marriage. it is hard for me to accept her, every single day i go through this pain and i have to hide this from my wife and fulfill my responsibilities as husband.
so the best thing you can do is marry to a person who also had a past. but if you marry with a person who has no past then never ever tell him about your past because that will ruin your relationship.
Akbar, I'm sorry to hear about how this transpired for you. My strong advice to you is to remember all the reasons you love your wife, and the good things she does for you, and forget about the past. Every time you look at her and think of something that pains you, push that thought away and replace it with a thought of a good time that you had together.
What's gone is gone, and no one can change it. It's very noble of you that you keep your pain to yourself, but now you have to try to release it, and return to the loving relationship you had. Remember that even many of the Sahabah were sinners before they embraced Islam, but they became good and pure people.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam O alaikum brother Akbar:)
I agree what brother Wael said masha Allah and I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT YOU ARE TREATING YOUR WIFE WELL AND KEEP ALL THIS TO YOURSELF. Brother we are living in the age of fitnah where shaytan is all too strong and creates problem in our relationships especially in marriage through waswasah. Also brother it takes a strong man like you to cope with these kind of things and I APPLAUSE you for that and want to tell you that we need more men like you;)
Brother, as now she is with you and is practising, caring and loving toward you then look at her good qualities and happiness she brought in your life. You both should help each other to strengthen your faith by gaining more knowledge so that, you can teach your children about this beautiful religion by showing them a good example by yourself.
I have seen so many cases of this nature and I think that there is a common problem here which is LACK OF COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE PARENTS AND CHILDREN. When children are growing up and reach their teens; they see sudden changes in their bodies, emotion and feel attraction toward opposite gender; that's the time they need guidance and someone who is a good friend to make them feel comfortable and welcoming. Unfortunately, parents often even ignore this very important phase in their children's life while too caught up with other worldly matters and forget that their children come first. Or if they realise that; then they feel shy to discuss these emotions and changes their children are going through. I think if mothers discuss these issues with their daughters and fathers with the sons then a lot of problems can be solved which can become a big issue in their later life. From early teens till late teens or in some cases early 20's is the time when not only feelings and emotion are very strong but physical changes are also taking place at the same time. If you go through most of the questions posted here bro then, you will see the proof that most of these brothers and sisters who have suffered are in their teens/late teens/early 20's and started off their relationship when they were very young and their judgements were clouded by so called love.
I wrote all this that either you are a parent or insha Allah you will be soon and to remind you that nothing in this world is more important than your children, no status, culture, family pride or so called family face comes first bro:) (I am sure you already know that bro) It's always your children, children and children or collectively your family including your WIFEY:). So, love her and make her feel special and when you have these kind of thoughts about her past then start dikr and if they are too strong then offer some nafl and ask Allah (swt) to protect you and your family from Shaytan:)
Remember that forgiveness is the most loveable act in the sight of Allah (swt) because he is the FORGIVER himself and appreciates his servants who have this quality (a very rare among humans).
Wasalam,
Your brother in Islam,
Muhammad1982:)
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Assalamualaikum
I want to commend brother wael and Muhammad1982 for their input. I took my position based on what I feel is natural and human, not necessarily most Islamic and most noble. Many men may disagree with me and regard virginity as a minor issue. All is not lost for those who sinned and repented. I just meant to say that don't impose your past on an innocent. It is safer and better to marry when the truth is on the table. Allah swt told us to conceal our sins but he did not say you can lie.
Let me just say that if you choose not to tell, then be prepared to totally forget the past yourself. As if it never happened. If you can do that and save your spouse the pain, its ok.
Also, don't tell half truths, they lead to suspicion. Yet its still bettes to sleep with the knowledge that you didnt hide anything, i feel.
All the same, a person who wants a pure companion should make it known beforehand, and if he or she asks, accept any answer as the truth. I don't condone suspicion!!
I feel i have contemplated this issue enough, and my final decision is to trust Allah and follow what i said above.
Salaam brothers and sisters,
This is not my post, nor am I looking for any sympathy here. I just wanted to share my opinion with those who have any questions or concerns.
As per surah noor if we are saved from sins then Allah has protected has from shaitan otherwise there was no way that we could protect ourselves from gave sins. So I am thankful to Allah to protect me from the sin of zina. I feel sorry for my wife who in the past couldn't save herself from this sin.
There are different factors for people who commit this sin
1. Enjoyment
2. Fulfilling desire
3. Age (age doesn't matter and also number of years doesn't matter i.e. for how many years a person commits this sin)
4. Company of friends
5. Parents were too busy to guide their children and most of the parents still don't know what their children have done
6. Lack of knowledge (even if have knowledge still do this sin because of shaitaan)
7. Motive of getting married with other zani
Whatever a zani does, if he/she repents then this person is forgiven, so it is best not to share this sin, no matter what this person has to go through. Although this person will be deceiving non-zani but this is worldly life which is nothing but a place of test, so in the akhirah people could go to different levels of jannah according to their deeds and sins.
Btw giving example of sahaba is irrelevant because whatever they did was during the time of jahiliya. If you want to share stories about sahaba wrong doing then share what they have done after accepting Islam.
Lastly, I am not a good Muslim either because I am still thinking about the sin that my wife committed in past and having hard time in accepting her from heart. As a good Muslim I should know this life is very short and a place of test that I am going through and perhaps failing this test. The real life is the eternal life where I will have a virgin wife (as Allah’s promise in Quran) but first I need to bring myself to that level that Allah forgives my sins.
"Whatever a zani does, if he/she repents then this person is forgiven, so it is best not to share this sin, no matter what this person has to go through. Although this person will be deceiving non-zani but this is worldly life which is nothing but a place of test, so in the akhirah people could go to different levels of jannah according to their deeds and sins."
This pasage from your post has brought so much warmth to my heart, subhanAllah. JazakAllah khair for your advice brother and may Allah swt give you strength to overcome your test, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
I am with this guy and he has been with girls in his past..he told me at the begining about all this and that he has kissed girls but no more..i have always been suspicous because i dont know maybe he has done more and he doesnt want to tell me because i wont be able to accept it and get along with it..
I have forgiven him..the fact that he has been with girls and drinking.. He has repented and he says that he repents to Allah everyday for all his faults and mistakes in the past.. Now he says that he wants to marry me but i am not sure if i am going to be ok as in like if i get to know if he had done zina.. I have forgiven him enough already..but i have seen him doing goods and he has changed heaps.. I am proud in a way.. but its really hard, i dont know what to say to him..i dont know if i should say yes or no to him.. I love him and he loves me heaps too.. can someone please guide me???
I had posted earlier as saparate as i was told but i never got a reply.. i need help i dont want to make a wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my life.. i want to make a decision that is for good and for both of us.
Please help me i need guidance as i dont hv anyone els to talk to.. 🙁
As salamu alaykum No promises,
Do you remember when you log in? Can you do it again? A short answer, ask him directly and do Istikhara for Allah(swt) guidance, if you not are able to let go his past, just let him go, to live thinking that he maybe did this or that won´t be fare for none of you. Allah(swt) knows best.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Hi Maria,
Well does that mean i have to delete this account and long in again as in register and start all over again..? and write my post all over again?
Hmm im not sure if you can find the post that i had posted wks ago.. if you could find and leave a reply that would be awesome 🙂
Sorry for any inconvenience
Salaams, No Promises,
The problem is that the post wasn´t registered, I cannot find it anywhere. Then you can use this account and post again as you did before, let me know when you do it and I will see if it has been done correctly, insha´Allah. Try to find it anyway, if you do just let me know.
You have a link on top how to submit a question. Thank you and I am sorry you have to go through all of this again.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam,
Also try to comprehend this, you know the past of your spouse or your fiance and you have the option to leave that person or accept that person. Let say you leave this person and then get married to somebody else who hides his past from you and compare to the first person if his past is more messed up then what will you do once you find out? will you leave this person as well and go find another one with this doubt once again in your mind how that person is going to be. at the end you will be changing partners like this.
Am I making some sense here or you are still lost in the past life 🙂 of somebody.
People who do not know the past of their spouse should not worry about it and should try to find out because that gives nothing but tears and broken heart.
People who know the past if they can accept it then and never bring this up then they should get married or move on in their life with their spouse. If they cannot accept it then they should not even try that else it will be very hard to live
i agree with sister haniyyya 100% as well, if your not a virgin then its better if you tell him the truth because anyways he will know when he first enters you, so to avoid arguments its better to tell the truth, but if you are still a virgin then dont reveal your past to him keep it between you and Allah, to tell you the truth it will be unfair for him, if he thinks your a virigin and then knows you are not, then you will be lying to him, because most guys to them tht issue is real big, and wants to marry a virigin only, others dont mind. But if the guy truley loves you he will get rl mad at first but with time he will forgive u slowly because you did tht long time ago and now you have changed, i tell you something and believe me honesty is the always the best thing but lying will lead you nowhere and will create more problems for you, pray for Allah to help you as well and inshAllah everything will turn out well for you ameen
Inayaa90:
not every girl bleeds during intercourse; this ideology is absolutely incorrect. No man can accuse his wife of zina as a result of no bleeding; the shariah court also does not take this into consideration as the ripping of the hymen can occur through various means. We know that the hymen is a soft tissue that can rip through rigorous activity such as biking, gymnastics, yoga, etc. So claiming that one’s husband may find out that she is no longer a virgin through the absence of bleeding is in fact incorrect.
If this notion is applied, then even those Muslimahs who are virgins and have never engaged in any pre-marital sexual activity in the past will be accused of something they have not done. Therefore, it's extremely important that we don't use this un-reliable method to assess a woman's virginity.
-Helping Sister
Thanks Helping sister for the information, i didnt knw tht so thank you, and i agree with you 🙂
There are other ways to know helping sister
What other ways other than Allah swt exposing that person's past sin is there brother A Muslim Man? I yet have no knowledge of any other scientific and empirical method that can gurantee a woman's abscence of virginity.
I am very curious to know which "other ways of knowing" are out there?
-Helping Sister
helping sis i am confused now, let say in case a girl lost her virginity beacuse of zina so when she gets married to another guy, should she tell him or keep it to herself? like he will know tht she is not a virigin when he enters her, i am kind of confused sister 🙁 because i always thought tht in these things a girl should be honest abt it, thanks in advnace 🙂
The secret of whether you are a virgin or not will be out sooner or later . It may come out just after marriage , maybe after 5 years or 10 years or may be even 20 years but it will come out eventually ....
Honesty is the best policy and it is better for you to start your marriage with truth and honesty .
How can you go on in your marriage with such a crucial secret .
“The secret of whether you are a virgin or not will be out sooner or later . It may come out just after marriage , maybe after 5 years or 10 years or may be even 20 years but it will come out eventually ....”
Brother a Muslim man, I find this claim of yours very dangerous. How can you guarantee that it will come out? Only Allah swt knows if it will or not and only if He wills it to be revealed, it will. You cannot expose yourself in fear that you will be exposed. Your claim is nauzubillah guaranteeing that it will be revealed and no one knows this but Allah swt.
There are numerous cases on IA that speak of this very issue—potential husband/wife reveal their past and now the person has a hard time accepting them although they feel that the person is ideal for them in all other aspects. We also see numerous cases of men accepting such women, marrying them and then treating them ill because they cannot trust them nor accept their repented past.
You see when Allah swt forgives, He not only wipes away your bad deeds and turns them into good deeds (if you sincerely repent) but he also forgets about those sins and never uses them against us—we humans do however.
A person wanting to know one’s past should then have enough strength to accept it the way it is and focus on the person who is presently in front of them, otherwise don’t question someone’s past if you don’t have the ability to accept it. We all sin, some larger than others but virginity isn’t everything my dear brother—there is much more to life.
If someone has sinned, truly repented, never returned to that path again, then they should be given another chance. You would like to be given another chance on the day of Qayyamat, wouldn’t you?
-Helping Sister
Inayaa90,
It is recommended that one conceals their past sin (and sincerely repents from it) and if Allah swt wills, He may or may not expose it. It is not compulsory on us to reveal any of our past sins to our potential spouse. We are humans and are prone to error. Of course, I am not encouraging that people commit zina and then hide their sin without regretting it. You must sincerely repent and never return to that sin again, inshAllah.
It was narrated that Saalim ibn ‘Abd-Allaah said: I heard Abu Hurayrah say: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990)
Also, an important point to keep in mind is that it is extremely important for those who have engaged in zina to get an STD test done (even though the person they were with may claim that they are STD free) so that they do not pass any infection to their spouse in ignorance. It is one’s duty to fulfill this obligation as they do not want to harm their spouse in the future due to their past sin.
-Helping Sister
I am personally finding this issue of concealing or exposing one’s past sin very frustrating. I no longer want to justify my beliefs. I do accept those people’s views who claim honesty is the best policy. I will no longer respond to these kinds of questions; they really get us no where if looked at practically.
Everyone will stick to their own views and beliefs at the end of the day.
I can only pray that Allah swt conceals our sins for which we have truly repented and asked forgiveness for, ameen.
-Helping Sister
Assalamu alaykum all,
There are many Muslimahs with a past and who have repented to Allah and pray for a good husband for themselves and many Muslim guys with a past who too have repented to Allah and pray for a good wife.
Brothers, let us be "Muslim men" who accept the good repentant Muslimahs as wife, repentance is a quality loved by Allah. We should love it too and we should love them too.
None of us is free from sin. Some have done greater sins and someone have committed minor sins. And any Muslimah who turns to Allah in repentance, true repentance, masha Allah, she is a good Muslimah.
As for me, Insha Allah I am ready for anyone Allah brings my way, a virgin or non virgin or divorcee, with kids or without kids, widow, whosoever Allah brings my way would be a blessing for me. Insha Allah. I wish to do good for myself, for people of the Muslim ummah, men and women. May Allah help me and other brothers who think the same and are content with what Allah gives rather than craving for more.
We should learn to keep the past as past. Repentance is always better.
I sometimes think I should change my name from Munib to some other, because it means one who is oft turning to Allah in repentance, and I feel I commit sins again and again and turn in repentance to Allah again and again, then I feel no, Alhamdulillaah, this is one of the best qualities a person can have, a quality loved by Allah. And I read verses of the Qur'an in praise of this quality of Repentance. Truly allah loves those who repent and is as per the Qur'an a quality which makes one see the truth in the creation of Allah.
Repentance to Allah:
A quality of Prophet Ibhrahiim praised by Allah in the Qur'an:
Inna ibraheema lahaleemun awwahun muneeb
For, behold, Abraham was most clement, most tender-hearted, intent upon turning to God again and again. - Surah Huud verse 75.
A command to the Prophet to be a muneeb:
Muneebeena ilayhi waittaqoohuwaaqeemoo alssalata wala takoonoomina almushrikeen
Turn ye back in repentance to Him, and fear Him: establish regular prayers, and be not ye among those who join gods with Allah - Surah Ar Ruum Verse 30
The signs of Allah are visible for every slave who turns to Him in Repentance:
Afalam yaraw ila ma baynaaydeehim wama khalfahum mina alssama-i waal-ardiin nasha/ nakhsif bihimu al-arda aw nusqitAAalayhim kisafan mina alssama-i inna fee thalikalaayatan likulli AAabdin muneeb
Have they not observed what is before them and what is behind them of the sky and the earth? If We will, We can make the earth swallow them, or cause obliteration from the sky to fall on them. Lo! herein surely is a portent for every slave who turneth (to Allah) repentant. - Surah Saba verse 9.
Again the earth and skies and the creation that we see are signs of Allah visible to a Repentant slave:
Tabsiratan wathikralikulli AAabdin muneeb
A vision and a reminder for every penitent slave. Surah Qaf verse 50.
One of the qualities which will take a person to Jannah is turing to Him Repentant:
Hatha ma tooAAadoona likulliawwabin hafeeth
Man khashiya alrrahmanabialghaybi wajaa biqalbin muneeb
Odkhulooha bisalamin thalikayawmu alkhuloodi
32. (And it is said): That is that which ye were promised. (It is) for every penitent and heedful one,
33. Who feareth the Beneficent in secret and cometh with a contrite heart.
34. Enter it (Jannah) in peace. This is the day of immortality. - Surah Qaf.
When I came across these verses, I felt, Alhamdulillaah, my name is good as it is. No need to change. It is human to sin, but it is a believing slave to turn in Repentance to Allah.
Brothers and sisters, love those who turn to Allah repentant, do not ignore them, do not make them feel lower than others, do not reject them for what they did in the past. If you feel bad about their past, remember these verses of Allah. These are the people of Jannah, these are the people who see the signs of Allah, these are the people who have the quality of the Prophets. Love those who turn repentant to Allah. If you love this quality of theirs, you will no longer feel bad about their past, Insha Allah.
Even on death bed people turn to Allah repentant, one true repentance may get us Jannah. We should repent ourselves and love those who repent to Allah and be kind to them.
May Allah have mercy on all Muslims.
Salaam,
Your brother.
courage is what we need to accept a person who has committed zina for years, might have also done abortions to hide zina, who lived a zina-ful life with a nah-mahram for 1 - 10 years. and then that person marry to a non-zani person hiding the past sins.
It is recommended to conceal your past sins if you have repented but once your spouse find that out then either he/she will accept you or will divorce you or will live a confused life. and if a non-zani won't accept a zani then hit that non-zani with the teachings of islam, so that non-zani can accept zani :).
Brother Munib, I admire you for accepting whatever comes on your way
Btw virgin=pure (could be a divorcee but not zani)
akbar qamar...... I like your style .... whatever you said is true and you have expressed brothermunib in a correct way 😀
Assalam O alaikum brothers and sisters,
Masha Allah this post has received many beautiful and varied responses ranging from personal preference, experience to Islamic stand point. I appreciate all your contributions and time investments but I am sorry to tell you that this post is now close for further comments so that we can give more time to other brothers and sisters who are in dire need of your valuable knowledge:)
Wasalam,
Muhammad1982.
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com