My sins are making me depressed
The Door of Allah's Forgiveness is Still Open!
Okay I come to this website whenever I feel sad and I read the posts that are similar to the problems I have but I never post mine because I was afraid of how much more the comments can damage me, but this time I really need to write and let my problems out and I hope you guys don't judge me. Please don't judge me. If you don't have anything nice to say just don't say anything, thank you.
So by the age of 15 I moved to a new country with my brothers and then in online I met a guy when I was 15 and he was much older than me about 23. He keep talking to me but I ignored him for a year but he didn't give up on me. So when I reached 16 I said okay we can be friends. And I was really hard-working - an A+ student - so I stayed friends with him until 17 and my brothers found out about us. And they advise me not to talk to him then I stop talking to him for a month and then he called me and we started talking again.
So all this while, when I was friends with him I didn't meet him. But when I fall in love with him he told me "lets meet in a hotel". And I keep saying no but then I said okay after a while. And first day when I was going to the hotel I prayed that nothing happens to me and nothing happened to me and I come back. Although we shared in the same bed and he took my clothes off but I came back with my virginity. Then he keep talking to me overnight making me believe that he loves me and he always be there for me no matter what.
And that time I started new school and I made new friends who were not innocent and I started going out and I wasn't myself anymore, so I agreed meeting him again and I said okay we can have sex and we did. And for a year he will see me every month for a whole day. I would pretend am going school but I wasn't.
Then I became pregnant and he told me there is a clinic I can go to and they will give me a pill. But I didn't have money to buy the pill so I asked him to come and give me the money then he came and he book a hotel but he didn't tell me that he book the hotel so when i came he said lets talk in the room its safe in there. I went in with him then he started taking advantage of me, coz this time am already pregnant he can have sex with me without worrying to make me pregnant. Then he was done he said he doesn't have money to buy me the pill and was really tired and feeling sick and he didn't even care but I didn't realise how bad he is I was really in love.
So I said fine and I went back home and can you imagine going back home with pregnancy and nobody knows and the sickness and still I have to go to school.
Then I manage to get the money I don't remember how and I called him to go with me the clinic coz I didn't know where it was and he promised me that he will take me but when I called him in the morning he didn't pick up the phone and I was already on my way to the place I was feeling weak and sad. And then I got off the train I walk in the street trying to find the clinic I remember a women stopped her car and she said "can I help you do you need me to drop you somewhere?". I said yes and she dropped me in front of the clinic, so I got the pill and terminated the pregnancy.
But I didn't even learn my lesson. I was addicted and I was in love and I keep seen him for few more months. I told my siblings I want to marry him and they said no. One of my brother said he will never let me marry him, so then i became exhausted and give up my relationship with him.
Then I started seeing another man but nothing happen between us but I told him that I have done something but he said he is okay with that and he wanted to marry me. Then my family said no coz they found out that he drinks and so on.
So I started dating another man and I also became pregnant for him although I didn't have proper sex with him - he put his private part a lil bit but he didn't care about me so he didn't stopped his sperm, and I didn't know that he put his sperm in me so I run away from him, then later I found out I was pregnant. Then I did an abortion again coz I was really depress and I couldn't keep the baby, coz this man was bad and he didn't want to marry me and he ignored me.
Then after a while I started dating another man and I had sex with him also and I dated him for a year. I fall in love with him so much he said he will marry me, and I believed him, he made me happy. So this time I am 19 and he is 35 as he told me. God knows how old he was coz later on I found out he was a liar, and he used women. So in conclusion he left me and move to america and when he was leaving he didnt say goodbye and he didnt contact me for 3 months and this 3 months was the worst time of my life.
Only Allah knows how much heart broken I became because I gave that man my heart. When I was with him I thought he was mine and we will be together forever, but then I had nothing. I was absolutely lost.
I was in college but I wasn't even studying so when he left me I started studying. I was doing well in my studies, I prayed and I tried to be myself again.
And my first bf asked me for marriage but I denied, then I started committing zina again with another guy. Then when I did for 3 times I stopped and went back to being good person, but it was hard because everyday I will remember what I did, and I was scared.
I was worried so again I dated another man. I committed zina for 2 times then I stopped, so this is when I really changed, started taking care of myself, I changed a lot about myself, got better grades, prayers so on.
So now in conclusion my family made me marry a man and I didnt tell the man about my history. He thinks am virgin, coz few people I trust know about my past and they all advise me not to expose my sins. They said Allah is concealing your secrets and they say am good person and I can be a good wife for him. The wedding is gonna happen after few months and walahi every night I sleep with sadness and stress, and besides that I should talk to him and pretend am happy and innocent, and now that am growing up am learning that how being tight is important, and that a women shouldn't have sex with a lot of men or men who has big private parts because it would make her vagina loose.
So anyways now what am most worried about is that am not tight and he would hate me for lying. And obviously am worried about my sins, but that I pray and I know that Allah is merciful but what am saying is right now this is what is bothering me.
Thank you hope you guys read my long story, and I hope it's not boring coz I can't even exaggerate, am stress and tired. Please advise me and tell me what I should do.
Muslimah223
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my name is sohaib and im 22 years old if what your saying is true come and meet me i am ready to marry
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Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
why do you want to marry her?? You didn't even see her ? How did you decide that you want to marry her.
bro are you serious right now, this is why people make fun of ignorant ass horny arab men.
Assalamu alaykum sisiter.
Remember, Allah (swt) is The Most Forgiving and The Merciful. Ask for forgiveness for all your sins sincerely and never commit those sins again.
I feel terrible for what has happened to you. However, do not stress because Allah (swt) says that the friends of Allah (swt) shall not fear nor shall they grieve.
As for your tightness issue, do some "kegel exercises". These exercises should tighten you once again.
Have your full trust in Allah (swt), okay sister?
Is this post is genuine or fake ?the way sleeping with multiple men is described looks like olympic race .i really doubt about authenticity of this post
If your new husband asks if you've been with anyone else before and it's important to him that he marry a virgin then please tell him the truth. It's likely he will eventually find out and have issues with it.
I'm sorry that you've gone through so much but the good news is that you've come back. Regardless of your life in this world and how others treat you here, inshallah you'll get the best husband in the afterlife. In this life I hope things work out well for you with this guy.
Salaam sister
Well u really are in a canfusing and difficult situation sister. May allah have marcy on u and make it easy for u.. The thing is you cant tell him evrything nor u can hid it from him. Allah camand us to hid our sins and not tell anyone. But If u want to save ur marriege from ending in divorce in the future then i think you really need to tell him and not keep him in dark. Dont tell him everything in details just tell him u have a bad past and ur not vargin anymore. Although theres no garentee he will eccept you for marriege and marry u. But Its better then having problams in the future and ending up in divorce, espicely when there will be possibility of having kids involved too. So after knowing if hes ready to marry you then ask him to never bring up ur past to u later after marrige. Only then i think this marrieg will work but remember sister if you hid it from him and hes the kind of guy whos more in to having "a vargin wife" then he will not tolirate all this might blame for betriying and leing to him. And may not want to live with u anymore
I knw we'r not supposed
tell anyone our sins but sister ur in a position where u have no other choice then tell him. Now or later you have to face the consequence of ur actions. That is why allah forbided zina and all this stuff.
Sorry sister I might sound harsh but i dont understand why you let so many guys fool you and used u. How come u even let the secound or third guy touched you when you clearly knew that some guys are evil and have minds full of dirt and discusting things. Why u didnt envolved ur family. If they said no to ur praposal then u should've just let go rather then being in contact with him behind ur famly. In the name of love you cantinued having zina with guys so easily???? I hope you actuly know ur sins are not small and you really are repending for ur actions.
Just in case if that man break off this engement then Plz sister never ever repeat ur actions again. Learn your lesson and never trust any guy to this level. If you really want to marry not zina then tell your perents to find you a good man. Or if you think your intersted in somone for marrige then involve his and your famly rather then dating and commting zina with him. Marrieg is not just for sex there are lots of other responsibiltes too so dont just think about sex and enjoyments.
May allah have marcy on you dear sister
I pray from heart that allah forgive you and bless you with a good hearted kind and loving husband.
So now in conclusion my family made me marry a man and I didn't tell the man about my history. He thinks am virgin, coz few people I trust know about my past and they all advise me not to expose my sins. They said Allah is concealing your secrets and they say am good person and I can be a good wife for him. The wedding is gonna happen after few months and walahi every night I sleep with sadness and stress, and besides that I should talk to him and pretend am happy and innocent, and now that am growing up am learning that how being tight is important, and that a women shouldn't have sex with a lot of men or men who has big private parts because it would make her vagina loose.
If your husband is a "virgin", how is he going to know you have a loose or tight .........
Sister, you need to stop. Just stop the dating, relationships with men, sexual contact with men, all of it. Whether this engagement works out or not, do not repeat your previous behaviors. You should not be dating in the first place. This is exactly why Islam forbids dating and premarital relationships, because it leads to the obvious, disastrous results you have experienced. It is a serious sin.
On to your current situation. First you said your family married you to him, then you said the wedding is in a few months. Have you done nikah yet or not? Perhaps you have done nikah and not rukhsati as is the custom in the subcontinent?
In any case, what some people told you is correct: we are supposed to conceal our sins and not reveal them.
With that said, I think your fiance has a right to know that you are not a virgin, especially if it is important to him. You should tell him, "I made a mistake in the past and I am not a virgin." Do not elaborate beyond that. Do not disclose names, details, or any of the information you have given us here. Do not tell him about the multiple men, the pregnancies or abortions. All of that will only cause him pain, and will certainly become a problem between you. Just tell him, "I will not disclose details, except that I committed a sin and I have made tawbah for that."
If he can accept that, ma-sha-Allah, wonderful. If he cannot, and he breaks off the engagement, then so be it. Actions have consequences, and you will have to accept it.
Secondly, you need to get an STD test before you get married, to make sure you have not contracted HIV, HSV, or any other sexually transmitted disease. It would not be fair to pass on a disease to your husband.
This "tightness" issue is a red herring and is the least of your concerns. I don't believe that having sex affects your tightness, as the body is elastic and tends to return to its previous condition. If you are concerned about it, however, you can do kegel exercises as one other person suggested. Google it.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Excellent advice Mashallah